


When Looking For Yourself, I’m Useless

by pteryx99



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 1980s AU, Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, College, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Drug Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Height difference, Homophobia, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Ilness, Injury, M/M, MIT!Tony, Minor Character Death, PTSD, Pining, School Uniform!Tony, Self Destructive!Tony, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Teacher-Student Relationship, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark/Everyone - Freeform, Trauma, Underage Drinking, Vietnam War, Violence, War, past underage relationship, this is gonna be a long ride!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-10-15 06:56:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 128,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17523992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pteryx99/pseuds/pteryx99
Summary: As Tony nears the end of high school, wrapped up in the parties, drugs, sex and alcohol that ravaged the 80s, he falls behind in class. His father Howard accepts nothing less than the best, and hires him a tutor - ex-Vietnam soldier Steve Rogers.





	1. Ashes to Ashes

Leaves continued to crisp on branches outside the class window. Tony was always thoughtful in his history classes, and it had reached the dull peak of Fall where he could watch the leaves dwindle away and eventually be crushed under the smart polished loafers or Mary Janes of his fellow students passing by the glass. He always thought that the elaborate garden centred in the buildings of his school was over the top, rose bush arches and lanky orange trees surrounding a regularly polished stone path, lined with benches often occupied by boys and girls flirting, or fighting. 

Although he appreciated the decadence of his private school, never forgetting to remind himself that it was probably better than any run of the mill high school in Manhattan; _“You are going to one of the top schools in this country Anthony. For once be grateful.” _The classes were easy, he dived through organic chemistry, and physics, and even French, and yet and yet and yet…__

____

____

The shrill chime of the bell rang through the class, and in an almost Pavlovian style his class-mates packed up their bags, chattering amongst themselves. A pretty blonde smiled at him, waving goodbye and then tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. All Tony had to do was smile back, provoking a blush out of the girl as she left. He understood the politics of this school, CEO’s would send their pretty young daughters to the top private schools, with the hopes of them meeting a smart, business-minded young man with affluent parents during their study, and if they had to choose anyone, Tony Stark would be the one. But Tony didn’t mind the flirting, the teasing, the stolen kisses around the trees behind the school gates, the empty promises he would whisper to every doe eyed girl who looked at him like he’d hung the moon.

He was still packing away his unopened text book until he heard his teachers voice, trying to talk over the chatter which was fading out of the class; “Tony, can I speak to you for a moment?” 

He sighed to himself, throwing his satchel over his shoulder and buttoning up his uniform blazer. “All right, I surrender.” He threw his hands up and pulled the corner of his mouth into a smile, earning a sigh from the teacher. “Like France in 1940! See, History.” He smiled, pretending as if he didn’t know why he’d been called over.

“I wish you showed that level of tenacity on your assignments.” The teacher gave him an unimpressed look, shaking his head and dropping down a stack of papers on the desk, “What do you call this Tony?”

Tony glanced down, noticing his own handwriting and a red F circled three times. _“Subtle.” _He thought to himself. “That looks like my most recent paper on The Industrial Revolution, but I could be wrong, which is unlike me.” He spoke pointedly, yet again receiving a disapproving sigh from his teacher.__

____

____

“I don’t know what’s going on with you Tony, you’ve got straight A’s in all your other classes, so why now are you suddenly dropping grades on topics you used to fly through?” Tony tried to interject, but was interrupted “I have given you enough chances, I’m going to call your father and let him know that you either put your head down and study or you drop my class.” Tony’s stomach filled with dread, he knew he could easily pass History and do better, but something inside him was not motivated enough. He always had a preference for the sciences and technology, but that didn’t mean he was bad at everything else, he was above average, a boy genius, a prodigy. And now his father knew that he wasn’t performing to his preferred standard, and he wasn’t going to hear the end of it. He hoped his father would soon have to go on another business trip to Seattle or somewhere further, like Italy, and he wouldn’t have to bare his dad expressing his disappointment in him for longer than was absolutely necessary. 

Eventually, he was excused, and was greeted by James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes, who was visibly annoyed that he was made to wait for his friend. “Let me guess, got held behind for talking back? Passing dirty notes across the class?” Rhodey had known Tony for long enough that his usual behaviour and attitude was nothing new to him, and Tony had too much pride to tell his friend he was failing, so he encouraged the banter-

“Almost, a very explicit message got to the teacher, he assumed it was for him and promptly offered to take me to dinner first. Big misunderstanding.” He smirked, and he had a confident stride that masked the anxiety building up inside him. He had become good at pretending, wearing the mask of an arrogant rich boy just too big for his boots, it was believable, he almost believed himself most of the time. 

Rhodey snickered, “Asshole.”

The day dragged on, being in school was generally laborious for Tony, he completed the work quickly and spent most of his spare time in class thinking of ways to further advance the technology in his fathers weapons, trying to make himself useful, noticed, using his genius to try and win the attention of his father. Even though it had come to be expected, the most he would get for developing a powerful new engine or building a motherboard from scratch is a pat on the back or a brief smile for a picture for the newspaper, and Tony would look at those papers, the black and white shots would often hide what happened before and after it was captured- _“I don’t care if you don’t want to be in the photograph Anthony, this is my legacy, I want it to be known that the Stark’s will continue to be the future of this country.”_

____

____

The bell for last period was painful, he knew Jarvis would be waiting outside to pick him up. He walked slowly as if taking longer would delay the events to come, but he knew deep down it was better to just rip off the band-aid per-say. He slid into the back seat, letting his bag fall off his shoulder onto the plush leather seat of the Bentley, sighing. He decided not to speak, saving his breath, Jarvis didn’t speak either, the whole way home neither of them uttered a word, both silently preparing for the evening ahead. Jarvis, despite being their butler, understood Tony, possibly in a way his father wouldn’t, he knew that Tony enjoyed the comfortable silence every now again, when he was tired of being the one controlling the conversation all the time or while he was mentally preparing to be berated for not being the prodigal son he as expected to be. Jarvis didn’t expect too much of Tony, and he was fine with that. 

They pulled up to the mansion, clouds encased the already setting sun, Tony liked how early it got dark in the fall but right now the greyness of the sky loomed over the mansion, like something from a newspaper comic around Halloween. When Howard was home, it didn’t seem like home, and it didn’t seem like home when he was gone too, either way, he knew he wasn’t overreacting. He entered to see his mother and father sat at the dining room table, his mother looking distant, letting Howard take the floor as Tony strode into the main room. 

“Don’t. Say. Anything.” Howard directed his finger towards Tony, his voice blunt but stern, Tony inhaled, and exhaled, routinely, and not too loud, trying to calm himself down “Pathetic.” The voice loomed in his head.

“I wasn’t going to-“ Tony was cut off by a now louder voice,

“What did I just say?” He rose to his feet swiftly “Failing? I thought you were better than that, Anthony.” It was times like this when Tony remembered how much he hates being addressed by his full name. “Apparently not, I mean- history of all subjects? It is child’s play Anthony.” He allowed his father to rant, he didn’t want to interject, despite all the defensive thoughts filling up his brain, and eventually he would be able to tune out the shouting. 

“It’s pathetic! I didn’t send you to one of the most el-“

“Elite schools in the country.” Tony continued in a droll tone, “Yeah I remembered after the 500 other times you told me.” He muttered, not daring to make eye contact with his father, Tony could recognise his building anger by his breathing.

A raised finger in his face now, “I’ve had it with your attitude. This is obviously all some big cry for attention, a pathetic attempt at that, I will not- I repeat I will not raise a failure.” His voice was growing louder, and Tony just stood there, clenching his jaw and his eyes down on the floor. “Well you’ve got my attention now, but it won’t be from me.” Tony thought to himself “what a surprise” but he dared not to talk aloud.

“I’ve hired you a tutor, he’ll come over three times a week after school meaning no going out doing whatever it is you do.”

This peaked Tony’s interest, “what?! I’ve never needed a tutor, I’m- I can do it myself, a tutor would just make me feel… stupid.” He looked up at his father, narrowing his brows. Tony felt offended, but what else did he expect? A cry for attention? No, don’t be stupid, he just didn’t like history, it probably stemmed from his father, who would only ever talk about his time in the war, providing technology and meeting soldiers who would then go on to be awarded silver stars. 

“Well apparently you do, since you’re incapable.” He almost spat the words, and then straightened himself out, levelling his voice back down into his normal, condescending tone rather than his angry, disappointed, condescending tone. “His name is Steve Rogers, I met him at a military camp while I was showcasing some new semi-automatics. Turns out he had a rough go of it in the war, teaches history now, I’ve offered him a formidable sum to teach your lazy, unmotivated ass for a couple of hours after school.” Tony inwardly groaned, knowing his fathers mind was made up.

“Well, whatever, you’re paying for it. No skin off my back. Can I go now.” Tony raised his chin almost competitively with his father, who gave him a disappointed head shake, which he was used to receiving. 

“Go, get out of my sight.” Howard mumbled as he turned away, back to Maria, who had said nothing during the entire encounter. Tony loved his mother, and knew that she didn’t want to get in the middle of him and Howard, but sometimes he hated how she would sit there with that distant look in her eyes, trying to block out all the names Howard would call Tony over something otherwise inconsequential.

That night he listened to David Bowie on his Walkman, _‘Ashes to Ashes’, _retrieving the hidden bottle of bourbon from his wardrobe, he figured Jarvis had probably come upon it at some point, and had known Howard would have killed him for it, so he didn’t say a word, he was grateful for that, at least. He felt like a disappointment, his father never failed in that department- _‘Time and again I tell myself I’ll stay clean tonight’ _– he hated the taste, but he tolerated it, like he tolerated a lot of things. _‘I never done good things, I never done good things’_____

______ _ _


	2. Burn It Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Always said I was a good kid  
>  Always said I had a way with words  
> Never knew I could be speechless  
> Don’t know how I’ll ever break this curse_  
> ~Daughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Graphic Violence, War Flashbacks, PTSD, Anxiety, Drug Abuse

_The Fifth Infantry Division had discovered a tunnel entrance by a village in the South of Vietnam, they were sure that the passage had been used to ambush other U.S soldiers in the First and Second Divisions. They lined the tunnel entrance with explosives, a small house made of bamboo and red clay just outside the forest where the cavern entrance resided homed a young woman, and a child. Her husband may have entered the conflict, in an attempt to protect their farm._

_He didn’t approve the order, he knew the rural areas would be affected by the explosives. The Airborne Divisions had already destroyed the agriculture, napalm bombs shattering villages and those who lived in them. War wasn’t easy, he constantly reminded himself-_

_Bang. The first bomb went off. Flames cascade the trees surrounding the village, spreading quickly to the rice fields behind the houses. There was only a pit in the dirt where part of the underground tunnel had been revealed, leaves began to turn to charcoal and ash fell to where the entrance once was._

_Another Bang. The straw houses began to collapse, punctured by the impact. This time it was followed by screams from the Viet Cong soldiers based underground, and the families in the village, trying to flee from the fire. The screams never seemed to end, there was nothing but agony, dust and ash. He watched, blurry eyed as the flamethrower unit moved in towards the village, and in the end all there was was fire. He tried to clear his vision but all he could see was red. ___

__Steve sat up suddenly, he had half expected to wake up and see his room on fire, it felt like there embers in his lungs and fireworks in his heart._ _

__He attempted to level his breathing, inhaling through his nose - _1 ,2, 3, 4 _\- the room began to open around him, and the feeling of being encased in smoke rose out of his chest as he exhaled through his mouth - _1, 2, 3, 4____ _

______He repeated that until the room revealed itself. The dingy street lamp outside his apartment window flickered, irregularly, which was only slightly annoying, but part of it brought him back to reality. After a discontented sigh, he pulled himself out of bed, it was late, the wall clock showed 1:02 am. The city bustle of Manhattan provided enough light, creating a shadowed path to the bathroom. The tiles were cold under his feet, and as he lifted his head to look at himself in the mirror above the sink, he saw a crooked reflection. He wondered whether the nail holding up the mirror had come out of place or whether this was just how he saw things now._ _ _ _ _ _

______The faucet creaked and cried when he turned it, trying to ignore the swamp like smell coming from the almost ancient pipes in his building, bending down to splash his face. The cold burned on his cheeks, and his senses became more clear as he tried to completely wake up from his nightmare. He heard a cat mewling outside of his window, and a distant thumping from the apartment two doors down, he had his head in the water long enough to drown out the screams replaying in the back of his mind._ _ _ _ _ _

______He reached over to grab a towel hanging up, it was course on his skin as he dried his face, once he was done he stared at himself again in the crooked mirror, deciding to straighten it. He turned and left the bathroom, sighing to himself as the mirror rotated out of place._ _ _ _ _ _

______The nightmares were a fairly common occurrence to Steve by now, but the call he received from Howard Stark earlier that afternoon seemed to stir up memories repressed in the depth of his mind. He was polite on the phone, as he always was, but once he hung up, he seemed to recall the same voice on the other line presenting his unit with more than a couple dozen upgraded firearms, impressed and proud as spoke to the soldiers. That same week Steve noticed Stark Industries labelled automatics lying next to corpses of five marines in his unit._ _ _ _ _ _

______Despite this, he attempted to focus on the ‘Why?” rather than the ‘What?” of his phone call with the multi-millionaire. He had only met Stark a couple times, but guessed that the man has his sources, and was fully aware about Steve’s new career. He taught at a fairly large school on the Lower East Side, but Stark was offering much more than what he was currently being paid. The thing that puzzled Steve the most was that, Stark could have hired someone much more qualified, and expensive than Steve Rogers, and although Steve was just a normal man, he assumed that someone as prestigious as Howard Stark would not make such tedious business calls himself regarding his sons achievement._ _ _ _ _ _

_______“I’m hoping you can teach him something about morality, and for goodness sakes some integrity, God knows the boy needs some.” _Stark had uttered into the telephone, he remembered reading in a newspaper that the Stark son was a bright boy, a genius from a young age. He couldn’t really imagine the son of the wealthiest man in New York was a troublemaker.__ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Meanwhile, in the Upper East Side, Tony had snuck out of the mansion, hopping into Rhodey’s Chevrolet Camaro before the house woke up. His father had never technically used the word ‘grounded’ so he saw no issue with sneaking out to go to a ketamine infested house party. Rhodey had reminded him earlier that day that they were going to the home of the pretty blonde who smiled at Tony at the end of class, whose name, admittedly, had already escaped his memory. Tony didn’t educate himself with the majority of his peers, he disliked the idea that he was snobbish and just settled with the idea that he was too busy to know the names of every banker or CEO’s bratty son or daughter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I could’ve drove.” Tony offered, and looked over at his friend who almost instinctively shook his head, almost like it was a programmed response when in Tony’s presence._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Rhodey let out a scoff, followed by a smirk, “You’re kidding me right? You smell like you already came from the party. Couldn’t you have at least put on some cologne after downing what I assume was a bottle of Absinthe.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony smiled, for the first time since him and his father had argued that afternoon, “I smell great. And anyway if your plan is to pick up girls tonight, I could’ve hitched us a considerably better ride than this eye sore you call a vehicle.” Tony realised he was being considerably more snotty, he always was after being in the presence of Howard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That comment earned him an eye roll from the driver, rolling through the darkened suburbs, “Oh yeah? You might as well bring the chauffeur.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony stretched out in the passenger seat, rolling his shoulders and trying to relieve some tension before they arrived at the party, “You know, that’s not a bad idea. Considering I do not want to be in any condition to drive after tonight.” Tony grunted as he titled his head back, he wouldn’t tell his best friend that he was planning on getting drunk to forget being berated by his father, and in all honesty, he wasn’t telling himself that either. However Rhodey had known Tony long enough that he didn’t question it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They pulled up outside the two story home, it was in a quiet suburban neighbourhood, from the outside it didn’t look like there was much going on, but the queue of cars parked alongside the street suggested there was more than what met the eye. They stepped out, and already the thump of the music from within the house was becoming more clear, and he spotted empty red cups on the white front porch which went unnoticed in the darkness driving by, and as he was straightening his denim jacket, a teenager appeared from the house, visibly drunk and looking as if he were about to drop his red cup filled to the brim with god knows what into the pile with the others, Tony cringed at the image._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The kid locked eyes with Tony and turned back into the house, not so subtly announcing his arrival to the rest of the party goers; ‘Yo Tony Stark’s here!” and with that Tony prepared himself to be pawed and gawked at, not that he didn’t enjoy some of it, in fact it might just be the very distraction he needs. Rhodey appeared beside him, patting him on the shoulder; “Get ready to face the limelight.” He warned and ascended up the porch, not waiting up for him. Sometimes he appreciate how Rhodey didn’t suck up to him, like the general population of school and everyone else who encountered him. He shortly followed, receiving a wave of ‘heys’ and high fives and suggestive brushes on the shoulder. The music was already too loud for his liking but the more he drank the more he could tune it out, so he headed straight for the drinks table, flashing his usual charming grin at those who were probably mentally lining up to talk to him, or receive even a couple minutes of attention._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He tried to pour himself a gin and tonic, already interrupted by a faceless girl offering to pour it for him, irritated, he just smiled dryly, turning away to try and relocate his friend._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________After spotting Rhodey’s varsity jacket amongst the crowd he diverted in his direction, trying to avoid those around him. He held up his drink and spoke loudly into his friends ear, attempting to be heard over the muffled song lyrics and shouting, “Hey, you know where I get something stronger?” He hoped that his meaning would be caught, and it was, prompting Rhodey to look at Tony in that disapproving way that made Tony tingle almost every time. He straightened his back, his stance was that of authority and protectiveness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t think so Tony.” He replied flatly, causing Tony to roll his eyes and take a rather large swig on his drink._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Whatever, Narc.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It didn’t take Tony long to find someone with what he needed, who gave it to him for free, something that people had a tendency of doing, it made him wonder why people with money are often given expensive things for free, and those without are left with the scraps, but he wasn’t in the mood to think philosophy, and retreated to the nearest bathroom. Rolling up a twenty dollar bill, making sure it’s even all around, always a perfectionist. _”This is stupid.” _he scolded himself mentally, remembering the look Rhodey gave him, and how he was too smart to keep getting involved with this kind of thing. But he craved a distraction, and following the drug fuelled 70s, the stuff wasn’t exactly hard to come by. He shaped the pearlescent powder into two equal lines, doting on them for longer than was necessary, this wasn’t nearly as fun on your own.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He hadn’t meant to act the way he did to Rhodey, but he would rather let guilt eat him up, then talk to him about what was going on inside his head. And the voices in his head continued to chew away at him, until he couldn’t let his thoughts consume him anymore more, he looked down at the counter, and realised he had allowed the powder to consume him before he could make a well rounded decision. The scattered remains were brushed to the floor under his palm, he thought it almost poetic, how it sprinkled onto the tile like snow, disappearing among the cracks as if it had never existed at all, melting away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He studied himself in the mirror, running a hand through his thick brown locks, a strand fell over his eye, it annoyed him to appear disheveled. He expected nothing less of himself than perfection, even if it was for a crowd of coked up spoilt teenagers. God, he was such a cliché, and he hated it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Exiting the bathroom he was greeted by Natasha, her dark brows narrowing, glancing behind Tony’s frame. “I expected someone else to come out of there with you.” Her voice was smooth, complimenting how her plush red painted lips curved into a smirk, suggestive. Her hair was curled, the red locks bouncing off of her shoulders and Tony could never help but admire her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Were you getting jealous?” Tony challenged, returning a smirk. He was so cool, in everything he did, his mock confidence radiated, consuming everyone who spoke to him. Nobody would have ever been able to infer that the starlet was having a morality crisis just moments ago. But Tony always tried harder with Natasha, they were friends, but she knew him better than he knew her, and there was something about the way her mouth curved and her eyelashes curled that made Tony feel like she could see through his clothes and skin, it was uncomfortably intimate, and he hated feeling vulnerable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She let out a chesty laugh, never baring her teeth when she smiled, as if that was revealing too much about herself. “I heard you were around, and when I didn’t see you taking up most of the spotlight I assumed there was only one other place you could be.” Tony tilted his head to the side, she spoke as if she knew what he had been up to, but she wasn’t explicit, and really, neither was Tony._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He linked arms with her and strolled down the hall, “Wow, you know me so well.” As sarcastic as ever, he spoke to her with a fondness in his voice, “C’mon, dance with me, I’m bored.” He spun her by the tip of her fingers, letting her swivel round to face him. Tony hated not having anything to do, as a child it was said he could never sit still, and now he’s not much different. He always has to be doing something, with his hands, with his brain, with his body, he moved his hips to the music with his partner, and began to feel the effects of all the intoxicants he’d had burning his stomach, heightening his senses._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He spun and spun, eventually losing Natasha, and finding himself with a new partner, taller, broader, he could barely even make out his face. It was hot, the more people drank, and smoked, and snorted, it was like the living room filled with steam. They were all closer, bodies sliding off of one another, hotter, the music was pounding, heavy on his chest. He felt so alive and yet he had a gnawing feeling in his rib cage. The boy he had started to dance with moved closer, they both silently agreed that nobody would notice them, getting closer, grinding, sweaty, hotter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________All of a sudden it felt like bile had built up in Tony’s throat, acid burning his tongue and his insides, and he tried to escape, pushing through the crowd and making his way upstairs, almost tripping, everything was blurred, like he was wearing steamed up lenses. He pushed into the closest bedroom to try and catch his breath, he didn’t know what was happening to him, he felt too much and nothing all at once, the breath caught in his lungs and punching, pushing at his chest trying to get out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He wanted to hide, to turn off all the noise, but he heard the door open again from behind him, allowing a sliver of light into the room. He turned to see the boy from downstairs, and swallowed, they both knew what this was, a confession. An anonymous confession shared between two boys with a secret, or in Tony’s case, lots of secrets, dirty, shameful little lies. They kissed and it was raw, no passion between them, Tony’s mind was running at a million miles per hour, finding another distraction from the world around him. His jacket was messily shrugged to the floor, there was no care here, just another distraction, he told himself, you’re supposed to enjoy this. Before they could reach the bed, there was a disturbing gush of light into the room, the door hitting the wall, the boys instinctively jumping apart. Tony saw his friend, and felt more bile build up in his throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I just came to see if you were okay…” Rhodey blinked, his lips parted, lost for words. He barely noticed Tony’s anonymous friend quickly slip past him out of the room. The two looked at each other for what felt like an eternity, his friends face showed confusion, hurt, shock all at once. He didn’t utter another word before he turned and cooly walked away, as if he hadn’t seen anything, and at that moment Tony felt as if he could pass out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER: Tony and Steve will meet in the next chapter, stay tuned :)


	3. No Below

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You didn't know me but you got cold too_  
>  And your mind was heavy and you thought you might lose it  
> ~Speedy Ortiz

Sunlight spilled into the room, his face felt numb, and he realised he was face down on a hardwood floor. He peeled his cheek from the ground, slowly, as not to disturb to dull headache residing in the back of his head. He groaned, as he rose, the light through the shutters was just too bright, and his headache turned into a migraine, he didn’t drink that much, surely?

He realised he was in the living room, his eyes trailing over other passed out teens on couches, one boy hung over a pool table, drool pooling on the green velvet. The room was humid, he felt dirty, not just physically. Stepping over his peers, one could’ve thought there was a pile of corpses if not for one of their distant snores, and the lingering smell of vomit. He saw his jacket thrown over the back of a couch, trying to lift it as carefully as he could without waking the student whose skinny legs dangled over it, trapping it. As he retrieved it, prompting a small whine from them as they sleepily readjusted themselves, Tony tried to recall how it had gotten there, or in all honesty how he got there.

_”Hey, Hey Rhodey, where ya going? That-that was nothing you know?” He followed him downstairs. There was a hint of panic in his voice that if not for the alcohol and the drugs he could have easily concealed. He reached out for his friend, and was shrugged off, not angrily, or aggressively, it was dismissive and distant. ___

__Tony realised his friend had walked in on him with a guy, and like that, the guilt and regret was back, he knew, deep down, he knew that metaphorically drowning his sorrows didn’t help. But that wasn’t going to stop him from trying again, and again and again, until the pain in his soul was dead, with its lungs full of liquor, murdered by denial._ _

_”I just need some air.” Rhodey hadn’t looked at him, heading fast for the door, and Tony, now I’m the centre of the party became trapped, barged into place by people who were too drunk to care, they danced around him, huddled together like penguins seeking warmth. He pushed, but he didn’t try, he didn’t moan, or shout, he just accepted it, with a heavy, drunk heart, and made his way back to the drinks table._

____Once it had all come back to him, he saw no point in staying, he should have, out of courtesy, found the host and thanked her. But he felt thankless, and she was most likely among those passed out, so left. It was much too bright outside, he winced and shook his head, the street had opened up in the day light, the roads seemed less narrow, and it was much harder to ignore the long, sleek black Bentley parked just across the street._ _ _ _

_____Fuck. ____ _ _ _

______He hung his head and sighed, the lack of subtlety is what really got him, and he was too drained to imagine how his father knew where he ended up._ _ _ _ _ _

______The walk to the car felt like miles, and he released yet another groan as he slid into the back seat, Jarvis’ beady eyes looked back at him in the wind screen mirror, “Eventful night, sir?” He spoke casually, his voice always leaked with satire despite rarely smiling, or laughing, in any case, Tony was not in the mood for it._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Just take me home, please, Jarvis.” He swiped a hand across his brow, rubbing his eyes in circular motions, “So I can face the music.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______-_ _ _ _ _ _

______He had been formally ‘grounded’ after that night, but not by his father. Howard was nowhere to be found, and Tony had learnt he was off for the weekend, and that he had left promptly after sending Jarvis to retrieve him. Tony didn’t care to learn where or why he went, it could be business, or maybe his father couldn’t stand to share any more space with him, neither option seemed impossible at that point. Maria was capable of being a stern and strict mother, but being around Howard was consuming at best. “I don’t know why you keep doing this Tony, we only want the best for you.” She sounded sad, he tried to deduce what the ‘best’ thing for him was, mentally blocking out most of what she was saying, “-No going out, all weekend, on Monday your tutor will come over once you get home from school. I expect you to be polite, respectful, and try and get all of your work done in your time with him.” He shook his head, sometimes it felt like everyone around him were just puppets, and his father pulled and clawed at the strings, turning everyone against him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why are you going along with this, mom?” He sighed, “You know full well I don’t need a tutor, and I’ve always been able to get the work done alone. This is about him trying to control me, contain me-whatever!” His head thumped, almost punishing him for speaking out of turn, and he felt like he deserved it, he never wanted to yell at his mother. He looked down at his dirtied socks, hurt in his voice; “Whatever this is, don’t even act like it’s an attempt to show that he cares.” It was quiet for a moment._ _ _ _ _ _

______“He cares about you very much Tony. One day you will see that.” She squeezed his arm, and disappeared into the kitchen. It might have been an attempt at comfort, or regret, which was odd, considering he was the one being punished. The living room was quiet, the mansion had six bedroom, four bathrooms, a tv room, a basement, an attic, all that space and no one to fill it. It made him feel small, and he had the whole weekend to spend in it._ _ _ _ _ _

______-_ _ _ _ _ _

______He spent the weekend in the lab in the basement, he was grateful that his father had allowed him to use it, but it was most likely a way to keep him useful, and that he was. He could play his music aloud when his father was away, _Joy Division _had cancelled out any sound of machinery in the lab, wires splitting and shocking. It all gave him a sense of control, he controlled the noise, he controlled the technology, he made with his bare hands at 18 what engineers in their forties couldn’t manufacture. And so he built away the hours, the days turned into nights quickly which he was thankful for, and he tried to keep himself busy, he didn’t want to think about the party, or his father, or how his best friend had walked in on him making out with another guy.___ _ _ _ _ _

________He’d experimented with boys in the past, this wasn’t something new. When he was in middle school, he attended a private boarding school, he shared a room with another boy whom he barely ever spoke to, and came home at the weekends. There was a boy called Alex, he was taller than Tony at the time, blonde, kept hair and eyes so green. They read The Great Gatsby in literature, and he always thought of Alex as the light across the bay. So bright, and he always reached out but found it impossible to touch him. Until one day, blonde Alex came to Tony’s room, asking to borrow a pencil. It was a futile attempt at a lie, maybe he wasn’t really trying, but they both knew. Moments later they were on Tony’s bed, their kisses were sloppy, rushed, inexperienced, his lips tasted like mint, he had obviously made an effort and tried too hard. They rutted against each other, their gangly legs tied up like knots, it was animalistic, neither of them knew how to act or what to do. Both of them had held in their secrets for so long, they let out the pain and tension through soft and shaken moans._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A few weeks later Alex transferred to another school, no notice, no warning, barely a goodbye, his ‘first love’ was gone without a trace.  
Ever since then Tony had had his fair share of his experience with girls and guys alike, he knew he had started to build a reputation among his peers. It didn’t bother him much, he liked the obvious way girls looked at him , and the less obvious way guys looked at him. Everybody wanted something from him, although he was numb to it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Monday was painful, the classes dragged on and all he could think about was how much of his valuable me time would be wasted by that tutor, and that he hadn’t seen Rhodey all day. He was sure that he was avoiding him, which sucked, but he hadn’t told anyone, or his parents, so all in all it could have been worse. All Tony wanted to was explain himself, and by that he meant come up with an excuse, playing it off cool; _”Oh that? He was just talking to me about the midterm paper,” – “No, no, she was just a very masculine girl, too broad, got all self conscious when you walked in,” _He felt pathetic, after all he had known Rhodey for years, and in that time he had probably witnessed Tony doing a lot worse than kissing a boy. But his fear wasn’t that Rhodey would tell someone, or stop being his friend. He was scared that his best friend would no longer look at him the same way, that he would look dirty and abnormal, or that all their last roughhousing, teasing, nights spent at each others houses laughing until the sun came up would all be interpreted in the wrong way.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________At lunch he met Natasha,Tony wanted to be away from everyone and everything so they huddled close together by a fence, out of view from everyone. Tony lit up a cigarette, running a hand through his hair with a sigh, “Hey have you seen Rhodey today?” He asked casually._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Nat squinted at him and tilted her head, watch him blow smoke out of his mouth, “He said he was studying, but I don’t believe him.” She groaned and rolled her eyes, “You two are being weird.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Huh? I don’t catch your meaning.” He said lightly in mock ignorance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“My meaning is that you’re totally gay.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Tony choked, smoke jittering out of his mouth, he coughed and tried to ignore the burning in the back of his throat. Shaking his head, he looked ahead at the school, did she really just say that? He began to panic but masked it between drags, oh god, he must have told everyone. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said defensively, but his guard wasn’t high enough, it wasn’t convincing, and it felt like Natasha was looking right through him and watching his heart pump faster inside him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Oh come on Tones, Rhodey told me, but I’m not sure he even believed it himself. But I know, I’ve always known.” She was so matter of fact about it, as if she hadn’t just faced Tony with all his deepest secrets, laying them out in front of him like playing cards._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He snorted, “Gay? I mean- that’s just stupid, its all just words anyway. Stupid formations of sounds and syllables,” he shook his head, she noticed his fingers become shakier as he inhaled fumes, he thought she didn’t but she did, she always did. She reached and placed her delicate hand on his shoulder, looking at him with more meaning and care than she ever had the entirety of their friendship._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Tony. I don’t care.” Her voice was almost a whisper, like she knew that she was in on the secret._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He sighed a long sigh, tapping ash away with his index finger and watching it burn some grass on the ground beneath them, “I’m not gay.” He inhaled again, breathing in the smoke like he was trying to stop himself saying anymore, trying to suffocate the words he had kept in for so long. He exhaled, and was silent for a moment, “I don’t know what I am.” The words pained him to speak, he hadn’t ever really thought about it, he just kissed and fucked whoever whenever he felt like it, but he knew he could never tell anyone about how he felt towards other guys, and that his most of the time he had to get horribly intoxicated on whatever he could find just so he didn’t feel as guilty. She tried to read all the different emotions in his face, studying the way he crushed his cigarette under his polished shoe. The school bell chimed in the distance, provoking an annoyed noise from both of them, he stood up, trying to play it off as he always did, but there was a part of him that held back. “We’re cool right?” He held out his hand, gesturing between the both of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yeah, we’re cool.” Her plush lips curved into a softer, gentler smile. She stood up to walk with him back to the main school building._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He nodded, thoughtfully. “Yeah, that’s good, because uh- I was worried you would be hurt.” He put on a somber voice, “because you can no longer get with me.” He decided to smirk, looking over at her playfully. She rolled her eyes in his direction, mumbling a ‘shut up’. When she looked away his smile had faded._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That day after last period he had lingered in the halls, getting wrapped up in conversations he didn’t really care about. He was late home, he drove himself to school meaning he didn’t need to be chauffeured. The lateness was a purposeful thing, he hoped it would mean he spent less time with this godforsaken tutor. He formed an image in his head of what the man would be like and cringed. He imagined sharing his space with a condescending old veteran, with a face full of scars that his father probably saw and hoped it would scare him into submission. The man in his head was stern, cold faced and calculated, an old fart trying to maintain his authority while bent over a textbook. Or a complete glory hound, longing for the days where mass violence wasn’t protested against._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________As he entered his home and removed his heard, he could hear a distant chatter, it was his mother, and a new voice. He stopped in his tracks down the hall, releasing a frustrated huff. Rolling his neck and composing himself, he emerged into the living room, he saw his mother sat with a man who had his back to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________His jacket hung over the back of his chair, it was brown and worn, but what really captured Tony’s eye was his back, he’d never seen an ordinary shirt hug someone’s frame so perfectly, he could see the outline of his muscles, bulging, almost like they were trying to escape. _’surely not’ _he thought to himself, this guys supposed to be teaching history right? Not a personal trainer. His mother caught him out of the corner of her eye as he walked towards them, “Oh! Steve, here he is, finally.” He remembered his father mentioning that name, he was very confused.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The man turned to look at him, he smiled. He smiled with his eyes, it was calming, welcoming, and Tony didn’t like it at all. His face was chiselled, his nose looked sculpted and even and his eyes were so blue, blondish hair pushed back. He was outrageously good looking, it shook to his core, he thought that this must be a test. He rose to his feet, he wasn’t too much taller than Tony but it felt like he towered over him, he was so broad, Tony tried to mentally measure the distance between his shoulders. “Tony, I’ve heard a lot about you.” A soft spoken voice arose from this building of a man, his arm extending with an open palm. The veins in his forearm were almost insulting, pulsing out of his skin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He accepted the handshake, looking the man in the eye almost challengingly. “I’m sure you have.” He glanced at his mother, his grip was tight, “Can I call you Steve? I feel like if I call you Mister Rogers you’re gonna sit me down and tell me not to talk to strangers.” He smirked as he released his grip, prompting a warning _”Tony…” _from under his mother’s breath.  
Steve smiled and looked at Maria, shaking his head, “its fine. And you’re an adult Tony. Just call me Steve.” Tony was a genius, recognised as well as self proclaimed, but the childish part of his brain began to take over; ‘don’t tell me what I am,’ he thought. ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________There was a pause in the room, and Tony begged to fill the silence before anyone else, “Okay, mom, is it alright if me and Steve get started so this can be over as soon as possible.” She shook her head in disapproval, clicking her tongue on the roof of her mouth, before giving Steve an enamoured smile as she left the room, leaving the two of them alone. It wasn’t until then that Tony realised the exact reason why Steve had been chosen by his father. He was polite, calm, he stood with his back straight, trained, a solider. He looked like he would follow orders in a heartbeat, a ‘how high?’ kind of man. He was everything Howard wanted Tony to be, and now he resented Steve for it. This wasn’t just about passing, it was a message, he was sure of it, another way to control him, and make him be the perfect son he always wanted, see, having an extraordinary mind wasn’t enough, he realised that, he didn’t care about history, of all things, he would have a PHD by the time he was 20._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Tony refused to sit, and Steve knew the signs, he understood body language, the way another man stood when he felt defensive. He rolled his shoulders, okay, maybe this kid does have some built up ‘issues’. ‘Not a problem’, it was a pain, but it wasn’t a problem. “Tony, I know you would much rather be somewhere else, but I’m here for a reason. I’m not trying to make your life hell.” He remained calm, his voice was almost stoic with the amount of self control he had._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He almost wanted to keep fighting it, he looked at the floor for a moment, but there was little fight left. He sat down at the long dining table, pulling a notepad out from his bag, “let’s just begin, alright.” The boy muttered, undoing his top shirt button and loosening his uniform tie. He realised that this wasn’t going to be easy, that there is a reason Howard Stark must’ve hired him specifically, He didn’t want to be at war with this boy, but the pay was good, and something inside him inclined him to stay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope the introduction hasn’t been too long, also this fic is mainly Tony centred but there will be more focus on Steve in the future :)


	4. Somebody to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Everyday I try and I try and I try  
>  But everybody wants to put me down  
> They say I'm going crazy  
> They say I got a lot of water in my brain_  
> ~Queen

A week and a half had gone by since their first session, they didn’t talk with each other unless it was academic, Tony made sure of that. The way his father would speak to Steve when he was actually around made his stomach churn. Tony would sit back and watch, rolling his eyes as Howard fawned over the golden boy, war hero. Steve wouldn’t engage in conversation about the war, Tony noticed how he would only smile and nod as Howard probed, sharing anecdotes before disappearing to his office. Tony wasn’t jealous, he wasn’t jealous of anyone, certainly not a second rate history teacher with more brawn for brains, he realised he sounded bitter. The most he could do was get through the lessons until his father realised he didn’t need them, or until he disowns him and adopts Steve. Bitter.

It was a Friday evening, his mother and father were attending some sort of corporate dinner, he was told the details but he didn’t listen. He looked over Steve next to him, who was organising a small folder while he let Tony answer some pre written questions. Tony sighed, dropping his pen onto the table and crossing his arms, “You ever gonna teach me about the war, you know, the one were in?” He tilted his head,

“It’s not in your curriculum so, no.” The tutor didn’t look up from his paper. 

“That’s a shame. Probably would’ve been helpful to have a first hand account and all.” He wasn’t genuine, scribbling in the corner of his paper now, spinning circles in ink and creating a mess of the sheet. It was silent, and already darkening outside. Tony realised he could get a quick smoke in before his parents came home. Being grounded really limited his options, “Hey, can, I take a break early? Thanks.” He didn’t wait for an answer and rose to his feet quickly, 

Steve looked up in surprise, scoffing as the boy headed for the balcony, “Hey, Tony, come on.” No response, Tony ran a hand through his hair and scratched the back of his head before he pulled on the sliding doors. Students like Tony Stark were part of the reason home schooling and additional tutoring existed, he thought, too difficult, rebellious, but he was so smart, probably smarter than Steve would ever be. He was old fashioned in that way, obedient in the patriotic way, it wasn’t ever like him to go against authority. Fighting for what was right drove him, but somewhere along the way the meaning blurred and a part of him could empathise. He didn’t believe that Tony was just some spoilt rich kid with too much time on his hands, but he didn’t exactly relish in being ignored and disrespected just because the kid thought he was too good for him.

Steve swallowed his pride and followed him shortly, Tony leaned on the balcony, his jeans hanging just slightly too low, and smoke pouring out of lips. He had heard the older man step out, and still felt it necessary to turn back and scan his eyes over him, tracing up and down his form, “Oh, it’s you.” He said pointedly, passive aggressive, quickly interrupting the silence before Steve could comment, “I don’t need a chaperone.” He waved Steve away dismissively, letting out a petty and audible grown as Steve continued on and leant on the railing beside him.

Tony decided to stay quiet until spoken to, which was unlike him, blowing smoke out into the open darkness. “Your old man doesn’t let you smoke?” Steve inferred, tilting his head towards the boy,

“Something like that.” He empathised each word with annoyance, tapping away ash into nowhere. He placed the stick between his teeth, as he dug through his pockets, looking over with Steve with big dark eyes that were only made brighter in light of the moon. “You got nothing better to do than stand here with me?” He spoke through his teeth, his tone never matched his sweet appearance, always so angry, Steve wondered why he was always so angry.

Steve sighed, trying not look at the fumes cascading off of the cigarette and how they rose up into the sky, “You know, acting like this-“ He gave him a meaningful nod, “Isn’t gonna help you in anyway. You think you’re invincible Tony Stark. But you gotta realise that you have to do what the rest of us have to to get by. My advice: lose the attitude, keep your head down and I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible.” He spoke in earnest, yet there a stern layer under his words.

The boy almost laughed, pulling his cigarette from his mouth, he just held it, watching it burn downwards, slowly peeling towards his fingertips, “Wow. That’s deep, man.” Satire leaked through his voice, and flicked the cigarette into the abyss. “Quite frankly I think I’ve been pleasant.” He smiled, turning away back inside without another word.

Steve looked in from outside, watching the boys movements, no, he thought, Tony Stark was not just some moody teen. He couldn’t put his finger on it, the Stark boy was uncharted water, that nobody wanted to tread. 

“Do you know what I don’t understand?” Steve followed him in, and gave Tony a look with narrowed brows, he had a habit of always looking like he was looking at something just too far away but it was amplified now as he crossed his arms. 

“Couldn’t imagine what.” Tony mumbled, he had sat back down and started writing again, Steve wondered how he could talk and read and write all at once and still produce good quality work. But this was Steve’s next point, it was only good, when it could have been outstanding.

He tried not to show how Tony’s tone annoyed him, instead the older man just raised his chin slightly, like he was initiating a challenge. “There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be giving me above average work. I mean it’s not like you have an issue with literary subjects, your English is great, better than mine admittedly, you understand all the topics we’ve been through so far, so why am I only able to give you C’s when you should be getting A+’s?” 

Tony stopped what he was doing, dropping his pen on the table abruptly, he looked up toward Steve and into his eyes for as long as he could bare it; “Maybe I need a tutor who actually, you know, tutors, instead of giving me life lessons.” He clenched his jaw, turning this into a stand off now. Steve didn’t respond, it felt like they were looking at one another for an eternity, the struggle between a man who needed to help, and the boy who didn’t want it. There was an overwhelming amount of pride in both of them, if anyone were to walk in now they would die from the tension that radiated from their stare down. 

The difference here was that, Steve was supposed to be the adult, mature, responsible, Tony had felt like he had won when Steve gave up, sitting back down beside him. This little victory kept him going through the rest of the session, his ego fulfilled enough with the concept of one upping this man. 

After Steve had left, his parents still hadn’t returned home. He took this opportunity to circle around the telephone in his room, and wonder if he should call Rhodey. He had been avoiding him pretty much at every opportunity, they would catch each other’s eye in the hall, and Rhodey would not so casually turn in the opposite direction. It made him feel dirty, like he repulsed his friend so much he couldn’t stand to be around him. He had a drink, for courage, dialling the number before he could regret it. The phone rang for a painfully long time. 

There was a buzz, and silence. “Hello? Stark to Rhodes.” He chimed down the phone, trying to stay light. Still more silence.

“…Hey Tony.” 

He cupped his hand over the phone, sighing in relief, which doubled as a way to calm himself down, “Thought you went missing, I made posters and everything.” He spoke in a way that allowed others to hear his smirk in his voice without even looking at him, but there was yet another awkward pause. Tony sat on the edge of his bed, looking around as if he was trying to find something to make conversation out of.

“Sorry- I uh… I’ve been busy.” 

“Oh, Yeah.” Tony’s voice quietened, anxiety began building up in his sides. Usually Tony was fine filling the space, it was easy for him, he enjoyed consuming the silence. But he wasn’t ready to talk about this, he probably never could, if it weren’t for the fact that Natasha and Clint had been pushing him to ‘get over it’, he could have gone his whole life without addressing it. There was too many feelings involved, he had known Rhodey longer than Natasha, he didn’t want to spoil his friendship by bringing up things that didn’t need to be brought up. “Rhodey I-“

He was interrupted, “I don’t hate you Tony, Nat told me that’s what you think. It’s not. So just- get that outta your head now.” He was firm with him, so much that Tony almost believed him. “I’m just confused.” He finally let out, followed by a long exhale.

“About what?” 

“Well… I mean, you’ve always been popular with the girls Tony, there’s no denying that.” He sounded like he was still trying to put pieces together in his head, but the thing is that he didn’t have enough pieces. “I mean I’ve seen you with girls, and… I just don’t get it.”

Tony half smiled, “Who said I don’t like girls? Girls are great.” He spoke with greater confidence, “But when I party with girls, sure it’s fun but-it’s not the same.” He had never confessed this much about anything in his life before, it scared him, but it scared him more to keep it a secret, and possibly lose his friend. 

After a short pause, the boy on the other end spoke again, like he had been overwhelmed with curiosity, no matter how much he tried to hide it; “Did you ever… about me?” Tony was able to fill the gaps, he had imagined Rhodey saying these exact words countless times, was he grossed out?

“Don’t flatter yourself buddy, you’re not exactly my type.” His voice was lighter, and he sweared he could hear the whisper of a laugh on the other line, he hoped. But he got too caught up in his own thoughts, his tone changing, “I understand if you don’t want to be as close anymore. Or even talk.” 

“It’s not that Tony. I just wish you’d told me. I mean I’ve seen you almost every day for five years, I’ve known you since kindergarten. I mean that-that wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, you have obviously been in that situation multiple times.” His friend tried to interject but failed, “And don’t act like I didn’t know what you were doing alongside that Tony. It’s all been so much for me to take in, sometimes you don’t know how much space you take up sometimes. And yet you don’t tell me anything.”

He allowed him to carry on his rant. At this point he felt like he deserved it, but he made a point of listening to his friend, he didn’t want to take up more space.

“So this is isn’t about me being… queer?” 

“It’s weird for me to think about, but you’re my friend, I’ve put up with enough that this is barely the worst thing in the world.” Towards the end there was a slight fondness to his tone, and that was enough to put Tony’s mind at ease, for now. 

They spoke for a short while after, it was sort of friendly and only a slight bit awkward after Tony had finally explained himself. That was something he was able to wipe off his mind, Rhodey would get over it, eventually, maybe. Even if they weren’t as close as they used to be, at least he could rely on him. They said their goodbyes, and Tony put down the phone, he dropped it hard, trying to release as much anxiety as he could. 

-

Steve found himself at a bar that night, quiet, dingy, tucked in an alleyway and barely lit by a street lamp. Most men inside were like himself, alone, hardened, bent over tables with a solitary drink in front of them, shadows from the overhanging wooden columns shielding their solemn faces. He ordered a whiskey, sitting at a booth and pulling out ungraded papers from his day job. 

He had arranged to meet Sam, it had been a long time since they last met. Steve met him at a veterans support group that he had reluctantly attended, most of them were a waste of time, Feds would hire out rooms in recreational centres, putting out bottled water and food for good appearances. But Sam actually made an effort to try and support other ex-soldiers, there was this silent agreement amongst almost all of the men who came home to just never talk about their experience, the idea was for those who weren’t physically to just carry on with their lives, in a way, that was all Steve was trying to do too.

The jukebox was broken, which he appreciated. Through the quiet all that could be heard was glasses clinking together and alcohol being poured for the sour faced old men sat on the bar stools. He heard a brief chime as the front door opened, not looking up from the papers. Inaudible mumbling from the bar just moments before a figure slid into the booth opposite him out of the corner of his eye. “Do you ever give yourself a break?” A deep voice uttered across from his, gesturing at the paperwork Steve had sprawled across the greasy dark wood table. Steve smiled slightly at his friend, gathering the work and shoving them back into his bag out of courtesy. 

“Just killing time.” He shrugged, looking at his friend and wrapping his large hand around his glass for something to do with his hands. Sam was usually straight faced, but generally had this air of swagger around him, his beard chiseled his cheekbones, constantly making him look serious, for the most part. But he could understand why, Sam was in the Aerial Infantry, but being high up, above the action had its consequences too.

He smiled at him briefly, sipping at his drink, Steve heard him swallow tightly, almost forced. “You not drinking?” He tilted his own glass at Steve’s full one. The blonde sat back against the booth, his hands rested in his lap, one firm hand gripping his own thigh.

Another shrug, “It doesn’t really do anything for me.” He spoke short, admittedly he was exhausted, dealing with four different classes filled with thirty students didn’t compare to dealing with Tony Stark alone. But he realised the boy was trying to make him feel like that, which is why he resisted, and at no-ones fault but his own, he resulted in being almost completely flaked out. 

“Wish I had that problem.” He chuckled lightly back into his glass. They didn’t speak much, when they did it was all the basics, like always, making sure to cover all the bases. Work, hobbies, have you been getting enough sleep? Yes. Always the same lie, it came so naturally. Until one question threw him off, “Are you seeing anyone?” Sam smiled seeing Steve tilt off his kilter, scrunching up his face like Sam had just said something completely offensive and ridiculous.

“You know the answer to that already.” Steve finally took a sip from his drink then, he was visibly agitated.

His friend laughed a little, shaking his head, “Come on, you haven’t met anyone?” He was never usually one to pry. “Don’t tell me you haven’t hooked up with anyone since-“ 

He stopped himself, spinning his drink and looking into it. There was a long exhale from Steve, “I’ve been working, or trying to. Even if I had time, not interested.” He was always stubborn, looking at Sam like he was selling him a pitch. 

Neither of them spoke, he could hear a man behind him striking a match, a fizzle as he lit his cigarette with it. “Steve.” His voice was sharp like the liqueur in his glass, “You gotta move on sometime.” 

He knew he was right, but it wasn’t that easy. His past was a part of him, he couldn’t just cut it off and throw it in the river, just let it go forever. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to forget, to move on, he wanted to try and live a normal life, one day, if he had the money, move away from the city and all its noise to the countryside. He imagined somewhere small, surrounded by fields covered in shades of brown and yellow, he enjoyed that thought. He could spend all day sat on a porch drawing. Realistically, he never knew if he could survive that way, loudness, conflict, aggression, it was all programmed into his system, he was a solider, and he always would be.

“Well. Put yourself out there. Maybe you’ll find someone.” He suggested, trying to be light. 

Maybe. He thought. Maybe.


	5. Choke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Oh, you clever little things  
>  The sycophantic teens  
> What a precious basket case_  
> ~I Don’t Know How But They Found Me

He had managed to get out of school early. His original plan, which was to buy pot, and then get home in time for his session with Steve. But low and behold, Jarvis was waiting for him outside the school gates, which also meant his father was home. His urge to get high was doubled now. _”Ugh.”_

His head fell back on the back seat, letting his eyelids fall shut. Jarvis was about to pull away before they both became alerted at a tapping on the car windows. Tony sat up and rolled down the glass, revealing the pretty blonde girl who was also in his history. She pointed to the car and laughed a little, and Tony just smiled in amusement, waiting for her to make her point. “Hi Tony,” she started, her cheeks slightly flushed and her lashes long, blonde hair curled and resting above her shoulders, she didn’t seem like the ditsy blondes who would swoon after Tony gave them a compliment, but Tony knew she was interested nonetheless. Despite the composed way she presented herself to him, he noticed how her mouth parted slightly after speaking, her tongue between her teeth. “I heard you were at my party a couple weeks ago.” He smiled and nodded, _”Was I?”_ He calculated in his head, then suddenly remembering a passing conversation with Rhodes. _”I was, fuck. Fuck that night. What’s her name?”_

“Oh, right, yeah. Great night.” He grinned, it didn’t matter how false Tony Stark’s smile was, his eyes always dazzled, temporarily blinding whoever he flashed it too, never being able to clearly see him for what he was. 

She simply mirrored his expression, “That’s great, well, I’m having another party next week. Friday. It’s at this abandoned house on the corner on fifth. You should come.” 

“Spooky.” He tilted his head to the side, “Didn’t peg you for the type.”

“I have to make do because my house got wrecked last time.” She laughed.

“Well we’ll just call it late Halloween.” He smirked, “Why don’t you give me your number so I can call you about it?” He looked her up and down after his question, she just smiled, trying to conceal her blush as she pulled a pen and paper out of her bag. “Oh, don’t forget to put your name on there, I don’t want to accidentally call you when I’m ordering a pizza or something.” He added casually. She ripped the paper and hand it to him. She waved goodbye, turning back towards the school and readjusting her hand bag on her shoulder, Jarvis looked in the windscreen mirror and took the silence as an indication to leave. He glanced down at the paper: it read; ‘Christine’ in un-perfect cursive.

“You have quite a way with women sir.” He chimed from the front seat.

“Really? I thought I’d lost my mojo.” He said in a mock quizzical tone, he could see the drivers eyes crease slightly in the reflection of the mirror, showing the hint of a smile.

Nobody was apparently around when he arrived home, assuming his mother was out and his father most likely up in his office. He still had some time to spare, changing into an oversized AC/DC shirt, it was stained with motor oil and had holes scattered across the torso. Fittingly pairing it with dark grey sweats. Usually this meant he was going to go down into the lab, clear his mind before his tutor came over to spoil his mood. He made a quick turn down the hall, trying to pass his fathers office without being noticed, failing, ultimately.

“Tony, come here.” Stopped in his tracks and running a tight hand through his hair, causing it fall back down messily. He appeared in the doorway, leaning on the mahogany frame,

“Yes?” He answered in a glib tone.

His father almost began speaking until he looked his son over, it made Tony feel vulnerable, like he was scanning for flaws and imperfections. It occurred enough that he could hang his shoulders, with the appearance of apathy, instead of letting his insecurity get the best of him and whip him into shape. 

“What are you doing?” Disappointment leaked through an exasperated sigh. “Your tutor will be here soon.”

“Actually I’ve still got half an hour so I’m going to the basement. That alright with you?” 

“You’re having a guest over and you’re dressed like that.” It was more of a statement than a question.

 _’Since when do you care what I look like? And why am I supposed to care what he thinks of me?_ ’ He squinted at his father as his thought. “You’re right. I forgot, I’ll go change into my finest attire.” With anyone else Tony would come across light, fun, never taking anything too seriously. Right now it just seemed sad, there was a bitterness in the air, a distance in his voice. His father shook his head, deciding not to engage. 

“Well in half an hour you’ll meet Steve upstairs and get started right away. I don’t want an attitude from you either.” He was blunt, looking off into a paper.

“There’s a desk in the lab, or does his highness require a throne?” The boy crossed his arms, tilting his head as if he was asking a genuine question. His father didn’t reply, just silently shaking his head into his paper, they both let the quiet sit in the air until Tony gave up, throwing up his hands and retreating to the basement. 

He decided to work in silence, he has been working on upgrading DUM-E’s claw before he made the step towards AI, which would be a long and hard process, that he knew would be a frustrating endeavour. He had already manufactured the better design, scrapping the old reinforced steel for a stronger, more durable Titanium. The edges were sleeker, lined with delicate bumps that made grabbing easier. In order to replace the original claw, he would need to take out the spine of the machine, it was almost 5 feet long, and the metal made it heavy, making this process harder. One day, he imagined, in his own lab, in his own house, he would have dozens of robots attached to the ceiling, and then then he would have no need for a partner. Not like he needed one now anyway. 

He was about to try and start the replacement, until he heard the lab door open. He groaned and checked his watch, feeling his space had been invaded for one time too many. He looked up at Steve and then looked back down at the machine lying across the lab table, like a corpse, and Tony was examining its skeleton. “I still have ten more minutes til we’re supposed to start.” His voice was always an octave deeper when he was concentrating. Steve had only just walked in, and his presence was instantly not welcome.

“Your butler told me you were down here.” Tony felt Steve’s eyes looking at him as he walked into the lab, and then could tell that the man was eyeing up the place, it was probably better than anything he had ever seen in his life, but Tony didn’t care to transgress that with him.  
“He has a name.” 

Steve ignored him, Tony noticed a lot of people were doing that today, was it him? No, Tony attracted people, he didn’t push them away. The reality was that Tony did attract people, like a magnet, if he came across someone too similar to himself, he pushed them away.

Steve placed himself on a lone couch in the corner of the lab, flicking through his papers. There was a sudden crashing, metal clanging on the floor. Steve took little notice until the crashing became louder and was followed by frustrated and strained groans. The man looked up to see a now slightly sweaty Tony Stark, looking especially small in his large clothes and being semi-crushed by the weight of a machine, barely able to hold the weight of the long contraption and stand upright. 

Tony tried not to make it too obvious that he was struggling, maybe this was a two man job, but he has the intelligence of about five or even more men put together, so who’s help did he need really? But before he could interject, he felt his arms relax as the load was lifted out of his arms, without his consent, he might add. Steve didn’t even look like was struggling, the younger man paused for a second, his eyes trailing over the mans arms in the tight white tee he was wearing as he took the machine out of his arms. The veins in his bicep pulsed, trailing down his forearms like vines, emphasising shades of green and blue on his pale skin. It looked like his chest was trying to burst out of his shirt, the fabric lined his torso like it was made to fit his body. Tony hadn’t realised he had been gawking until-

“What do you want to do with this?” The tutor spoke as if he was holding a measly paper weight. 

His senses were back under his control, his mouth suddenly felt very dry and his clothes almost became suffocating somehow. “Uh- just hold it there.” Quickly grabbing the replacement claw and reinforced mechanical spine, now haphazardly fitting it where he had sloppily tried to remove the old ones. The man just watched him at work, this was the first time he felt like he had actually helped Tony in some way. They looked at one another, without really looking, until Tony’s conscious decided to take over and snap him out of his fugue-like state

 _’Oh Lord. A beefcake who reads. What a cliché.’_ He would’ve rolled is eyes if it wouldn’t be so obvious. He cleared his throat, standing the robot upright and finishing by tightening a few screws, “By the way,” He said pointedly, “I could have done that by myself.” 

Steve smiled a smug smile, it made Tony want to punch it right off his face. But now he knew this guy was some secret boxing champion or something, he didn’t really feel like facing the consequences. Tony has gotten into a couple scraps over his life, nothing too consequential, there was one time in elementary school, he was six, and just hand crafted an improved motherboard, which some kid then stuck a piece of gum to, he responded in a way which he thought was appropriate at the time, though he realised pulling Steve’s hair wouldn’t be affective at all. Or this other time, some guy had walked in on him and a girl at a party, and then given him a nasty cut above his brow, now the lady in question was the guys girlfriend but that detail isn’t important. Yeah, trying to fight Steve was quickly becoming a worse idea, but he would still try and fight him on another level, one that would end in an eye roll and not a neck brace.

“Okay tough guy, I just didn’t want to see you drop your uhh…” Steve held out a hand and gestured towards DUM-E, “your thing.”

“Robot.” He corrected in a second. 

“Really? I thought robots were like square and had eyes and hands.” A smile perked at the corner of his mouth, taking a lighter tone than usual, and Tony tried his hardest to ignore it.

“You watch too many movies.” He put it blankly. “Anyway, we might as well get on with the Korean War or whatever.” He found a space at a lab table, pulling up two rolling chairs to it. The teacher retrieved his notebook and textbooks, it was a nice change in scenery for both of them, the lab was all walls, clutters of blue prints and designs on almost every surface, microscopes and magnets. 

Sitting beside each other, the table Tony had decided on was the smallest of them all, away from all of his and his fathers work as if he thought Steve would wreck it just by being near it. He knew he wouldn’t, but the thought agitated him anyway. Still, they were uncomfortably close, the clanging of the metal work bench as Steve placed his books onto it added to their equal unease. “Not movies. I read a lot of comics when I was younger.” 

Tony snorted, “Course’ you did.” He almost smiled. Almost, his lips were parted like they were trying to, but no, not with him, not around him, never. 

The sharpness of Tony’s slender elbow resting on the table made an unnecessary thud, adding to the awkward ambience in the lab.

“Tony…” 

‘ _Oh God. What now?’_

“Your robot is pretty cool.” 

Usually, Tony’s mind worked at a million miles an hour, always processing, computing, analysing, thinking, like a computer, but it all came to a halt. Steve didn’t take his silence too seriously, interpreting it as Tony’s usual blatant rudeness and indecency. But Tony felt… confused, it was a rare occurrence, the bears stopped turning for a moment. 

It wasn’t a great compliment, or a Nobel prize or any prestigious recognition by any means, but this man, the physical embodiment of everything his father ever wanted, had said this minute, irrelevant comment. And it didn’t come from Howard’s mouth, he’d wished it had, but it felt better coming from his teachers mouth than if he could even imagine his father saying such a thing. Tony knew his father had only hired Steve with the intention of transforming Tony into the perfect soldier, the machine, that’s what he thought. But Steve had just done something his father would never do. It was perfect irony, but Tony couldn’t think of what to do with himself about it. 

“I know…” He was quiet, and it echoed, Tony was louder than he ever was right now than if he was at a party or parading himself in a classroom. The smallness of his voice boomed, until he couldn’t bare how much noise his quietness made, talking faster now, “Right now I can only control him with a remote, but soon I’ll be able program AI into his system… that’s artificial intelligence, have you heard of that before? Actually, don’t worry, I doubt you have.” He couldn’t stop himself, “Basically, he’ll be able to work on command and move on his own and do whatever I tell him.” He tried to regain the suaveness to his voice. “But, whatever.” He finished with a tight smile, feeling exposed, small, inadequate all at once, hiding it behind a casual cross of the arms, leaning back into his chair, trying to match himself with the man across from him. 

“Doesn’t that scare you?” 

The boys eyes widened, staring at Steve like he had just told the world his deepest secrets, “Does what scare me?” 

“You know, like, robots coming alive and taking over the world.” It was slightly playful, like Steve had picked up on a joke that Tony hadn’t. 

“Again. You read too many comic books.” 

He smiled, happy that Tony had at least paid attention to one thing he’d said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a little longer, think I’m gonna figure out an update schedule, enjoy!


	6. Rebel Yell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He lives in his own heaven  
>  Collects it to go from the seven eleven  
> Well he's out all night to collect a fare  
> Just so long, just so long, it don't mess up his hair_  
> ~Billy Idol

Support group meetings often left Steve feeling wearisome. Listening to other veterans share their experiences in a dull, beige room with motivational posters plastered on every surface possible was more emotionally draining then he initially thought. He often didn’t speak up much, reliving what happened did not register to him as therapeutic. Sometimes though he would offer words of advice, real advice, not just a feeble; _hang in there buddy!’_ , But to remember to eat, sleep, if you can, remember that you all did what you could.

It was a Friday night, but he didn’t feel like going out, he felt like drawing. Sitting on a lonely rocking chair in the corner of his apartment, lit by the light of the street. He thought of what to draw and while he could doodle all day, nothing in his dim apartment inspired him. The last thing in his dull week that piqued his interest was the session in Tony’s lab. His day job was more monotonous than usual, and ever since that night Tony made sure that they only had lessons together upstairs, and barely talked, not even as many snide comments, passive aggressive looks at one another, and Steve noticed. 

It was interesting, viewing Tony in a different light, out of uniform, in his natural habitat. He had become used to seeing this sheltered rich boy, in his elite private school attire, surrounded by chandeliers and leant up against a sleek, long mahogany table. He seemed so much more genuine this way, not that Tony didn’t speak his mind, but the way his brows narrowed when he was concentrated on the machinery, engineering more with his mind than with his hands, biting down on his lip thoughtfully. His loose clothing had made him look childlike, his band tee hung over his hips, messy, worn, he could imagine him as an apprentice in a garage, with his shirt covered in black stains, under a car and a wrench in between his teeth. Before he had even thought about it, Steve found himself sketching a long thin machine, and black outlining delicate hands, far too delicate, caressing the metal, it was rough, his mind not really there, but he continued to shade slender fingers looking so out of place on the draft paper.

He was lost in the spinning of his pencil until a shrill clanging flooded his otherwise silent apartment. It sent a shiver up his back, crawling up his neck and into his ears. He had no idea who would be calling at this time of night, he considered ignoring it, or answering with a prompt; _’if you’re selling, I’m not interested.’_ and hanging up before the caller could get another word in, but he was too tired.

“Hello?” He rubbed his eyes as he spoke into the phone.

“Hey. This is gonna sound… odd. I kiiinda need your help. And by kinda I mean a lot.”

-

Earlier that evening, in downtown Manhattan; the first thing Tony thought when his and Natasha’s cab pulled up outside the abandoned two story home was- _’This is New York. Surely they would have torn this place down and thrown up some apartments.’_ followed by- _’Maybe it’s haunted.’_ but he quickly threw out that idea because demons weren’t real and if they were he would have been haunted a million times by now because of course he would. There were gates and tape surrounding the building, it appeared to tilt to the side, the windows were all most broken but the shield of night protected any party goers being spotted by passers by. The cab dropped them off on the opposite side of the road by a bodega which they pretended was their stop. 

Right away he knew that Christine was not the host of this party, she was a sophisticated and at the most, uptight young woman. This house with its shattered glass, burnt black patches on the ground surrounding it, splintered with pieces of wood and ghosts of plastic bags, was the complete and utter opposite. So why would she lie? Was it just poor phrasing? He didn’t especially care, if she wanted him to come so badly she only had to mention a party, after weeks of just going to school, coming home, having to be tutored three nights away, the routine began to itch away at him and he needed to scratch it. 

Rhodey had insisted on getting his own cab, and Tony knew it was because of him. They still talked at school, hung out at lunch, smoked together, their usual shenanigans. But his friend was still coming to grips with it all, he didn’t view Tony negatively, mostly. They had a silent understanding about their relationship with one another.

Crossing the street together, the music grew louder, shouting, screaming, all grew louder. They had to climb through a hole in the metal fence behind the house, Nat made sure she didn’t catch her hair or her leather jacket on the untangled spikes, she didn’t wait for for him, her boots trudging into the house while Tony almost barely got through without catching his sleeve on the metal, it pulled and gave him a tiny cut on his forearm. Looking at the backdoors of the _fine_ establishment, dreading what was possibly inside, he thought to himself, the light stinging of his fresh cut in the back of his mind; ‘ _Great start. This is a good sign.’_

Inside the abandoned home was humid, dank, it smelled like pot and other things he wasn’t going to try. No furniture, teens used damp cardboard to sit on, although there was a stained mattress covering a window, and a cheap looking boombox playing a scratchy but overly loud rendition of _Ace Of Spades_. He recognised some people there, the stoners, the rich kids trying too hard, and there were some tattooed punks slightly too old to be talking to the girls they were talking to. 

Someone handed him a drink, it smelled foul, he focused on the assortment of graffiti on the walls as he drank it so he couldn’t think of the taste. He realigned with Natasha, who had found Rhodey, they were both with… Pepper. Okay, this was officially the strangest party he had ever been to, and frankly he could tell she thought the same, she looked disgusted, if anything or anyone came close to touching her she reclined into herself, mumbling under her breath about how _’She didn’t know why you brought me here.’_

Being with his usual group of people helped him settle into the party, it wasn’t what he was used to by any means, but he didn’t mind it, it wasn’t somebodies home, anymore, so they could smoke, drink, litter, fuck, all they wanted, where they wanted, it was organised chaos at best. “Having fun?” Rhodey made a semi-concerned face at Pepper, her clothes were far too ‘nice’ and made her stick out like a sunflower at a junkyard. 

“No.” She said it as if he was stupid for asking, she spoke like that to Tony in most circumstances, which he enjoyed, She was head of the student council and Howard often sponsored organised events and dances which meant that that was their main form of communication. During those times she would often boss him about even though it was _kindaaaa_ his money she was using, he didn’t mind, she didn’t suck up to him. 

They laughed in unison, she didn’t. Natasha brushed Peppers arm with her delicate fingers, whispering something to her in a low voice that it was inaudible over the music, which made the taller red head release a comforted, contented sigh despite her still troubled expression. Rhodey and Tony drank quietly beside each other as the girls began to laugh together, involved in some sort of joke that no one else was allowed to be a part of. He tried not to notice his friend ignoring him, and his mystery beverage helped to drain out his senses, quickly having an effect on him, so whatever it was, it worked, it helped him tune out the noiseless noise, couples fighting, not just bickering, screaming, throwing things, the last shards of glass hanging onto the window frames being pelted by bricks, the rock music and its bass that made his stomach rumble. He loved the chaos, but he didn’t want to think about it, or be a part of it, just indulge himself in the madness of a party and sift away and not feel anything. 

“I’m gonna… mingle.” He spun his hand, gesturing around to Rhodey, who in turn gave him a slightly concerned but reaffirming nod.

Tony wandered around into the next room, there was a couple practically humping in a corner next to a clutter of empty beer bottles, but he wasn’t interested in them, it was the lone lanky guy on the opposite side of the dingy room who caught his eye. The whole house was dark as it is yet he still wore an oversized grey hoodie, a shadow casted over his eyes.

“Hey.” He spoke cooly, leaning towards the shady looking guy, “I’m lookin’ to buy.” Giving him a suggestive glance, knowing not to make eye contact, he still smiled, the faint curve of a smirk drawn onto his lips. There was no movement from either of them for a while, Tony had his money ready, rested in his palm, the paper folding between his fingers. A sudden movement and both of them knew to slide their palms against each others, making the trade, and with a nod, and the flash of a grin, Tony turned back and tried to find somewhere to use. His eyes searched for a room with a door, but to no avail, the only doors that could hide him were on the ground, or in the yard. 

“Yo, Tony, You okay?” His friend spoke from beside him, making him jump slightly, but he managed to hide it. 

“More than okay.” A tight smile formed on his face as he accepted a beer from Rhodes. More drinking, clutching onto the warm bottle hoping he could never let go.

“Look… Tony. I’m sorry.” The serious one now made sympathetic eyes at Tony. He has obviously been drinking, “I didn’t mean to get all… all jittery.” 

He savoured the drink on his tongue, letting the heat fill up his throat. Trying not to see the guilt on his friends face, it made him feel sick. He wasn’t the one who should feel ashamed, or guilty. He gripped onto the others shoulder, tightly, Tony was reassuring and warm to those he cared about, in his own way, shining his usual wide smile. “It’s fine. Don’t get all sappy. It’s not cute.” 

“You’re such a dick.” He muttered, and then laughed, it looked like a release, Tony released his ha d almost nervously.

“No one likes a jock that’s too in touch with his feelings. And you love me.” 

“Shut up and drink your drink.” 

He obeyed, eventually letting himself dance, it wasn’t smooth, the music wasn’t either. He let people around him ply him with more drinks, he danced with Rhodey, reluctantly, Natasha joined, pepper leaned against a wall and watched, carefully clutching her drink to her chest and giving disapproving looks to mostly everyone around her. There was a great shatter, but it wasn’t loud enough to disrupt the music, he continued to shake his head, his hips, his hands swinging in the air. 

Suddenly, the music stopped, causing a wave of groans from everyone dancing, besides those too intoxicated to even register. It was followed by the sound of more shattering glass, shrieks, one man on top of another, their bodies had denting the boom box and their kicks destroying the tape player in the side. Others began to surround them as they thought, little pieces of glass stained red surrounded them like petals in a field, but they weren’t rolling around like lovers, they were shouting, lunging fists at each other rhythmically. 

Like one domino had been tipped, a siren screamed, as the wailing grew louder, partygoers dropped their drinks, cigarettes, blunts, pipes, all in unison, heading towards the back door. Tony joined the bustle, some had begun climbing over the fence, vaulting themselves onto the other side like their lives depended on it. 

“Tony! Wake up! Time to go!” Rhodey tugged on his arm as he ran past, and Tony could see him lifting up parts of the fence to let others out quicker, he didn’t know why he paused, or stalled, but Tony was one of the last to retreat. Looking into the back yard again through the grates, others had ran through the alleys behind him, he just had to take it all in, hearing himself breath, smiling.

Well, not for long-

Large hands pushed him face first against the metal gate, choking out a drunk moan. The air was cold in his throat as his skin rubbed between the twining metal. He didn’t hear what was said to him, although the clicking of the cuffs rang through one ear, chiming in his head. Time became a plastic paper ghost, spinning, slowly in the night wind, As his head was pushed into the back of a car flashing red and blue, he felt too heavy for his head, realising that he wasn’t really spinning. He wasn’t transparent anymore.

He could imagine it now, he pondered, now sat in a cramped jail cell in a busy station that smelled too much like sweat and cleaning products, what his father would do. He would stroll into the police station, keep up appearances by dropping a penny or too into a donation box, before flashing his ID and business card which would let everyone know he had a lot more to spare and a lot less to lose when he bailed out his disappointment of a son. Who was he kidding though? He would probably send Jarvis.

An older, hardened man with a faded and frankly ugly tattoo on his bicep, covered in moles leered at him. He was trying to be intimidating, it was working, they both knew someone like him shouldn’t be there, he was petite on the cell bench, his body barely covering enough space to able to claim it from his temporary cell mates. “You like what you see?” The younger man challenged, prompting the grease stained brute of a man to charge up to him like a bull, he instinctively jumped to his feet, pressing his back against the wall like he was trying to merge into it, away from the predator. 

“Tony Stark?” A young, slightly irritated policeman opened the cell door, Tony hung his head, out of relief and anxiety at the mention of his name, setting more eyes on him, “You’ve got one phone call. Come on.” He walked sideways away from the man, who growled at him as he slipped away. Other officers shoved by him on his way to the dirty, and kind of sticky phone on the side of the wall, covered in scratches and old pieces of gum. 

He held the phone, his finger hovering in front of the worn numbers, pondering on who he could call. He couldn’t call his father, no way. He couldn’t call his mom, because that would basically be calling his father. He could try and get a hold of Rhodey, his parents always loved Tony, surely they would be cool with it? No… he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t do any of that. Tony, thankfully, remembered his address book, as old fashioned as it was. Peering over all the names of his friends and acquaintances, he’d forgotten how messy it had gotten, there was a large scribble covering half of a number, reading; _’DAD – don’t call ever!!!’_. He knew Natasha wouldn’t be home, and honestly she probably couldn’t ever show her face in a police station, he had no idea what she got up to.  
It was slightly embarrassing, people who knew who he was stared and whispered, or didn’t even try to be subtle, letting everyone who didn’t know, know. He realised he had begun to gain a reputation in the public eye, one time he saw a magazine a subtitle that read; _MILLIONAIRES PLAYBOY SON SEEN PARTYING IT UP AT COKE-FUELLED SUPERMODEL BASH_ , which wasn’t a complete exaggeration, but a lot less flattering than his male peers thought- 

“Hey, hurry up. I haven’t got all day.” 

Scanning over the numbers again, did he really have no one he could rely on right now? A number right at the back, the name above it catching his eye; _stupid big army jerk_. Oh. Right. Howard had given Tony Steve’s number if he ever needed to reschedule a lesson or ask for additional help. _Fuck_ He inwardly groaned, wondering why his life had come to this, he knew a million people, he was liked by everyone, he had enough money to do and have whatever he wanted. And yet he was left with no choice but to ask help from someone that he wanted to despise.

Reluctantly pressing down each number, each click felt like karma flicking the back of his ear. As it rung he tried to prepare himself, think of what to say, how to say it, _’God what am I doing. This is stupid,’_

“Hello?”

 _Of course he was at home._ “Hey. This is gonna sound… odd. I kiiinda need your help. And by kinda I mean a lot.” He cringed at himself as he spoke, feeling so helpless, so… alone.

He heard some rustling, which eventually stopped, and it was silent, _Oh God, Please don’t hang up._

“Oh, Tony. Hi. It’s kind of late isn’t it? I wouldn’t have thought you’d be spending your Friday evening doing my work, you don’t do it on weekdays.” The man chuckled slightly on the other line, “What do you need?” His voice was smooth, deep, Tony hoped his tone wouldn’t change once he broke the news to him.

“Uhhh. Yeah! Work, lots of hard work!” He coughed, trying to splutter some confidence out of his chest, glancing at the police officer who was giving him a skeptical and unimpressed look. “But while I was… researching, I kind of got into some trouble and nowImathepolicestationandIneedsomeonetobailmeout.”

More silence, maybe the older man didn’t understand his rushed words, and he hoped he didn’t, this felt like an awful, terrible mistake. 

“…Where are you?” Tony could hear his clenched jaw and purses lips through the phone, stern seething through his teeth and into the telephone.

“The station on 6th.” He bit his lip, chewing, maybe if regretted calling hard enough it would just reverse and have never happened.

The line went dead.

The officer guided him back to the cell, he assumed he would be forcibly grabbed, dragged, but since half the station now knew he was Howard Stark’s son, it was obvious they didn’t want a lawsuit. He held his head in his hands, not wanting to stir up another encounter. Was Steve going to come? Probably not, was he going to tell his dad? Probably. Oh well, he deserved it, he knew he didn’t really have anyone looking out for him. Any way would have ended up awful, but at least he tried. He hated it, but he tried.

Waiting, for what felt like an eternity, fighting the urge not to engage with the clearly more physically able men muttering comments clearly meant to heard. _’Little spoilt rich boy, waiting for daddy to come bail him out’_. He wrapped his black denim jacket around himself, it was like he hadn’t drunk anything at all, the whole experience sobered him up more than coffee ever could.

“Tony Stark?” The same officer bellowed, his head shot up- “Someone’s here for you. Come on.” He ignored the snickers, he didn’t care who was there to pick him up now. He just wanted this night to be over. 

Low and behold, there stood Steve Rogers. Standing tall in his tan jacket, shades of grey under his eyes and the look of disappointment on his face, it looked like his fathers. “Come on.” He spoke softer than his father would have. And begun walking out the door. The cold hit them both, like a slap, across Tony’s cheek. “This is not how I expected to spend my evening.” He scoffed, shaking his head, but he didn’t know who he was doing it too.

“I’ll give you the money for the bail.” The boy placed his hands in his jacket pockets, looking down at his feet and trying to speak casually, as if this is a common occurrence for him.

Another scoff, a shake of the head, “Yeah. So, trespassing and holding? I’m hoping it was just pot but considering the price of the bail I’m guessing it wasn’t.” The sides of his lips clenched together, occasionally allowing a dimple to show itself, but his now serious manner wouldn’t allow it.

“Hey, don’t judge. I didn’t ask you to come here and-“

“Well you asked me to come. And I’m here.” Tony looked up at him, he felt smaller than ever, the mans broad shoulders were like a mountain, shadowing a tree on the flatlands, making something otherwise outstretched, full of life, weaving and winding look like a spec of dust. That’s how Tony felt next to Steve, a spec of dust ready to be swept away. 

Tony’s stubbornness to remain solid, secure, unmoved shown through his big black eyes, staring up at the soldier. He couldn’t be too much of a dick, he saved his skin, but god he made it easy for him to get angry. “You don’t know me.” Resentment consumed his voice, his fists clenched, but who was he defending? Himself?

“I know that you think you’re untouchable. But you can’t keep thinking you don’t need help Tony because you’re above it all. I’m here, because I want to help you.” Steve was trying to be clear, nailing the hammer in the hypothetical coffin as hard as he could and Tony felt like he was inside it. Struggling to breath, asphyxiated by the cold air and Steve’s words. He chewed on it for awhile, letting the autumn breeze burn his throat and sizzle on his lips. 

“Help me get an A or help me stop doing coke every weekend?” A weak, sarcastic smile formed on his face, weak, cold, but the way Tony’s eyes brightened up when he smiled made it feel okay. Satire was a defence, a barrier he put up between himself and this building of a man, and it always seemed to work. 

“Hopefully both.” The man spoke to himself, “I’ll take you home.” 

Sirens and cats and dogs all howled in unison, cars tooting at each other like an angry conversation. They both liked the city at night, both quietly appreciating the background noise to themselves as they walked side by side. Tony had never known someone who spoke to him in that way, so bold, as if they really knew what they were talking about! Steve basically worked FOR Tony, for his father, but it was like he wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, or overstep his boundaries. It was like he actually wanted to get into Tony’s mind and understand him as a…as a person. Instead of just their bosses son that they had to put up with so that they could get a decent salary. But he wouldn’t let him get in his head, he couldn’t.

Steve passed Tony a helmet, it was plain, black, it was clear the solider didn’t like his things flashy, the complete opposite of himself. Until he saw what would be taking him home, a long, wide 42’ Harley-Davidson, pipes shining as they ran down the sides of the Liberator. He laughed aloud-

“Of course you ride a motorcycle.” Tony shook his head, his eyes wide to match his grin as he locked eyes with Steve. “You’re taking me home on this?”

“I don’t have a car. I prefer this. More dynamic.” Shrugging his shoulders, The breeze skimmed through his hair and off his shoulders like it was nothing.

Tony eyed up the bike, making mental notes, “You’re in a biker gang. That’s why you’re all jacked.” Tony pointed as if he had uncovered some great secret. 

The older man almost smiled, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to that Tony.” 

“Then don’t, just take me home.” Fitting the helmet onto his head, adjusting the straps like he was excited, but he wasn’t excited to go home. Steve didn’t wear a helmet, maybe when you’ve spent so much time preparing and expecting death, when you come home, these tedious things don’t seem so scary anymore. Once Steve had mounted his machine, Tony became hesitant, realising he had to climb on and share so much intimate space with him. At least he didn’t have to look at him. Sitting behind him now, his chest pressed against the dents in his back, tentatively placing his hands on his sides.

He was right it was dynamic. The traffic couldn’t contain them, weaving in and out of cars, the boy could understand why he liked the bike, the speed, the adrenaline, the rush, it exhilarated both of them, pressure building in his ears, lights flashing by like artificial stars shooting past them, like luck was on their side as they built speed, higher and higher. Small hands clutched around the mans torso like he was going to fall or like he never wanted to let go, This was the rush, he felt more now, with the wind grazing his exposed neck then he had at any brainless, mindless, repetitive party. And he just wanted to scream. And he screamed, and no one could hear him, the driver couldn’t hear him, the whole of New York couldn’t hear him, and he loved it. He loved not being heard for once.

When they stopped outside the mansion, it was like the whole world had ceased to spin, the moon halted in its course and the sun no longer expected all the planets to move around it. Now it was too quiet, he despised the suburban area of the city, crickets, grass. But it didn’t matter, because you couldn’t see the stars anywhere in this city. 

The pair had to cool down, Tony placing the helmet where he was once sat, “You know… if you tell my dad, I totally get it. But- I will hate you.” He was so matter-of-fact about it.

“I thought you already hated me.” 

Breath hitched in his throat, but came loose quickly, “Darn. My cover is blown.” 

They shared the silence, allowing themselves to smile, like the adrenaline was the only drug they needed, until they both retreated. Fight or flight.


	7. Disorder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It's getting faster, moving faster now, it's getting out of hand,  
>  On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, it's a no man's land,  
> Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now,  
> I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow._  
> ~Joy Division

The browned leaves had begun to merge into the dirt, swept away on the paved streets. Nights were shorter, shorter than they already were in the city where the lights seemed to illicit and endless day even in the darkness. Tony planned to spend the entire Saturday in bed, or if he found the willpower to go down into the lab and take frequent labs on the couch. His bedroom was warm when he woke, the teasing heat of spring edging its way in, head pounding. It was only then in his sleep state that he realised there was pounding at his door. 

“What?!” Trying to raise his voice in his slightly drool stained pillow only worsened the pain in his head. He had forgotten to close his curtains before he passed out on his bed last night, which made opening his eyes a challenge.

“Tony can you come out here please.” It was his mother’s voice, soft, too soft, filled with dread. He felt sick and he didn’t know whether it was because she had asked him directly without getting Jarvis or because of last nights activities. 

He dragged himself up, hanging off of the bed by the tip of his toes. He only noticed he was still in his outfit from last night after glancing at the mirror in the corner of his room. They reeked of smoke, his shirt lined with creases where he slept. He threw on his robe to try and mask the smell. Stepping out into the hallway, looking at his tired mother with a sigh. Her yellow hair was greying, her roots shining silver tied back in a tight neat bun, pearls always hung around her neck. “What?” He grumbled, blowing on a loose strand of hair caught on his tongue. 

She shook her head, it was sorrowful, angry, turning away from him and retreating down the hall. It was a look he had received many times before, but she stormed away from him, knowing he would follow. And he did, worry rising in his chest.

She led him downstairs, “Oh what am I being shunned?” It was eerily silent, there was nothing Tony hated more. Coming down the stairs he saw his father, and his mother quickly joined him. He was too tired to contain his groan, he knew what was coming and why, he was just surprised that Howard was actually here. “Is there a surprise party for me? Because if there is you’re making it super obvious right now.” He crosses his arms, standing on one of the last couple steps, purposefully keeping as far away and as high up as he could from his disappointed parents, who grew more irritated with every apathetic word slipping out of his dry mouth.

“Cut out the comedic’s and get downstairs Tony.” 

He trudged down as if there was someone at the top of the staircase with a rope trying to pull him back up. “Can you just ground me or punish me and get it over with? This feels like an intervention.” He saw his parents just shake their heads, tired.

“I can’t even look at you right now.” His mother spoke with sadness in her voice, looking around the house and mentally nitpicking the décor like it was less painful and tiring than being around her son. “I don’t know what to say to you.” His father was disturbingly quiet, and his mother was trying to fill up space or buy time, she seemed more nervous than Tony did.

The boy remained still, stood between this with his hands tucked under his biceps. Finally, his father turned to him like this was a business meeting, serious and cold, no affection just calculated politics. “I, for some reason, thought that your behaviour couldn’t get any worse. I feel naïve, because you’ve outdone yourself, yet again.” Tony tried to breathe in and out at a steady pace, his teeth clenched. “A misdemeanour? What is it this time Tony? Drugs? And you seriously, stupidly thought I would never find out.” Couldn’t bare to make eye contact with his father, Howard didn’t have to do much to push Tony into a hole, feeling small, stupid, like a child. 

_”Whaddayou care?”_ Tony muttered, rubbing some of the sleep out of his eye.

His father stood, and again he felt like he was back in that over cramped jail cell, surrounded by predators and forced into a corner. 

“Let me tell you something. I don’t care what you do, but you will _not_ disgrace what I have built for this family. I just can’t fathom how idiotic yo-“

“-Idiotic, moronic, disappointing, mistake.” Tony scoffed, his eyes red as he faces his father, “can’t you be a little more original?” He strained out the words, everything his father uttered to him tore down the wall he had built up around him and it had begun to show.

“You’re a child.” Disgust spat out of his mouth.

“Well I’m your child. Or do you forget about that?” When tony was upset the features of his face began to crack. The way he composed his expressions faltered, like a glitch in his system. The corner of his mouth would twitch, and he would blink more than usual.

“I created you. Don’t think I can’t un-make you.” 

They stared at each other, like the entire room could be up in flames, the carved marble columns falling into ash, glass sculptures shattering, dissolving, and they would only be consumed with their undeniable distaste for one another’s company, his father with his disappointment and Tony’s need to be a disappointment, and how he should feel glad that he is being seen amongst the smoke.

And he ran out of air, turning on his heels away from his father, away from the fire. Replacing his robe with his jacket he must have thrown over the couch last night when he came in, but Jarvis hadn’t moved it. Grabbing his keys out of the bowl by the door, 

“Where are you going?” Howard voice boomed across the living area, Tony spun once again, shoving his keys into his jacket pocket.

“Out! Is that alright with you warden?!” Heading towards the garage after shouting at his father, he heard his mother cry his name but he ignored, just trying to escape, to run away, like a child. 

He fumbled trying to put the keys into his car, the wall clock in the garage read 2:36pm, did he really sleep in that late? But it made him thankful that he didn’t have to be awake for too much of the day. Once he was inside his Porsche, waiting for the garage doors to slowly rise up, he breathed in and out, slowly and steadily, he didn’t really know where he was going, or why, but that’s what people did when they were running out of a burning building right? You just run until you can’t see the smoke anymore, it doesn’t matter where you end up, as long as you don’t get burnt. 

He slammed on the gas pedal as soon as there was enough room for his car to slide through the gap, he felt pathetic, he hadn’t even let his parents grant him a punishment, and that it would now be even worse when they finally get a chance to. Then he remembered he had a debt, _God_ the last person he wanted to see right now was Steve Rogers, but it would kill time, and if he found out he was the person who told his father then he would have a chance to slash a tire on his outrageously cool motorcycle. Anger fuelled his thoughts, he would never do that, really, but hypothetically, the thought pleased him. He could tamper with his gears so he couldn’t ride around looking all cool, _Ugh. Stupid dumb cool muscly moron._.

He remembered he was in the car with Jarvis once, and he pointed out Steve’s apartment as they passed by it. Only then, driving around with no cause, he realised just how strange his family was. Everyone including their butler had excess knowledge of everyone who came within 5 inches of their home, anyone who raised their attention immediately became a subject of interest, and it never took long to find out almost every detail of their life. Tony wondered if his father found out what Steve had for breakfast every morning too.

Eventually, after driving around the city, taking in the crowded streets, letting it pass by him, he found Steve’s apartment, mostly recognising it from the motorcycle parked outside. He pulled up onto the street. The tall apartment block shielded the sun, all brick no paint, dreary looking. Deciding actually going inside the mans apartment was too much closeness into each others lives, he got out, leaning against his car and retrieving a cigarette, slipping it out of the pack between his slim fingers. 

He could think about how to approach this, he could. Instead he lobbed an empty beer bottle he saw on the pavement at the east side of the building and hoped for the best. Some confused and muffled shouts erupted from the building, a dog barked. He waited and smoked until a narrow browed, stern faced Steve Rogers appeared in a window on the third floor, staring out looking for a cause until his eyes set on the young man.

Tony allowed a dry smile, holding up his palm and giving a short wave up to him. The window was dirty, covered in dust but he could still make out the man shaking his head. Everyone was tired of him today, he understood.

After the noise inside the building settled, a tired looking Steve Rogers emerged, walking over to Tony with his hands in his pockets. 

“You’re pretty brave bringing a car like that to this neighbourhood.” He tilted his head, standing opposite the boy, smoke flowing out of his mouth, legs crossed. 

Tony smiled, flicking the cigarette onto the ground, “You know, I thought about getting the bus, good for the environment and all. But… the rates have just skyrocketed you know?” He shook his head convincingly, earning a genuine but unsure laugh from the older man.

“Yeah well, they don’t have waiters on the subway either so…” The hint of a smile appeared.

“Ha, ha.” He grinned, it felt like he didn’t have to think about his father, or his mother’s disappointed faces, he much preferred someone like Steve being disappointed in him because it didn’t matter as much, he almost wanted it.

He noticed Steve looking at him intently, like he was trying to look through him, _Nu-uh, Not today Mister_.

“So. Why are you here? Seeing each other this much outside of sessions is… odd.” With that Tony reaches back inside his car, retrieving a cheque book from the glove compartment. A completely normal item for an eighteen year old to carry around. Pulling out a pen and mumbling to himself as he wrote in it,

“Well I still, owe you, as such.” He tore out the paper, handing it out. The man stared at it until Tony’s growing impatience provoked him to scrunch up his face, tapping his foot; “Oh my god take it I hate giving people things.” 

The older man sighed, placing his hands on his hips, his hair wasn’t styled like it usually was, but he still appeared put together. “I don’t need it Tony, it’s fine.” 

The boys eyes widened, he glanced at Steve’s crumbling apartment block and then back at him, irritated. Looking at the man in frustration, he shook the cheque up and down – “just take it.” He faltered, like he was tired of fighting but couldn’t stop. He hated the lack of control over his life right now. He couldn’t control his arrest, or his parents finding out about, and now this man, this man he barely knew, who knew that he was _Tony Stark_ and he was refusing him? Making him wait on him? Rely on him? He usually enjoyed people who were willing to match his level, or at least try, but right now he couldn’t take it.

“No.” 

It felt like fire in his ears, it shouldn’t bother him, but he was already bothered. This man was someone who seemingly up until now was inconsequential to his life, a headache, a rash above everything, and now it was like he had the power and he needed to snatch it away from him, he wouldn’t let him know how much he affected him.

He tore the cheque in half, letting it fall to the floor slowly in the brisk spring breeze. It landed silently, but Tony acted like a hammer had dropped. “Okay.” He smiled tightly. “I suppose I should just say thank you then. Don’t know if I’ll get an opportunity to say that before my father ships me off to some training camp in Russia or a cave in Afghanistan or something.” A brief laugh escaped from his lips, casual, like always.

Tony expected a measly apology from Steve, or some feeble attempt at explaining and justifying himself, yet the man just blinked at him. “Nothing gets past your old man does it?” It was almost sympathetic, which signalled to Tony that Steve wasn’t the one who told the Stark’s. it wasn’t in the paper, so…

“Unfortunately so.” Neither of them spoke as a man walked between them, eyeing up Tony’s vehicle as he walked past. “Look, I’m gonna pay you back, whether you like it or not. Believe it or not I don’t need your pity money.”

“Its not pity Tony.”

“Then what is it? What is all of this about?” He snapped gesturing between the both of them, filling the space with his accusing finger.

“I am supposed to be your… mentor. If anything, but I really wanna help you kid. I mean – drugs?” He could hear his fathers voice ring through his head. “I mean it’s one thing smoking pot, and I suppose I knew my fair share of men who used a lot more morphine then they needed when we were out there, but you’re… incredibly intelligent. Why waste it?”

They both noticed that this was the first time Steve had revealed something about his life, probably the first time either one of them had. 

“I seem to think I’m doing just fine, but thank you, I’m absolutely grateful that the great Sergeant Steven Rogers thinks that _I_ am intelligent, I-“

“Okay, I get it.” His frustration showed, Tony knew, like he always did, if he just pushed and pushed and pushed, that this man wouldn’t keep trying. People don’t get bored of Tony, they just get tired, exhausted almost, burnt out. “And it’s Captain, actually.” But the man just kept pushing back.

The boy scoffed, he had put his hand on his chest in mock happiness, but he now had shoved it into his pocket. “Well, Cap, I appreciate the thought. But no thanks. I’m good. I’m Tony Stark.” And he just smiled, in the way that if, the entire was spinning, and everyone on it was moving, the entire universe and all it’s people would stop whenever he smiled. And it worked, it always worked.

“Whatever you say Tony, I’ll see you Monday.” The man nodded, turning as back towards the building. 

“Yeah, hopefully,” he mumbled, getting back into his car, like he had just evaded another interrogation, thankfully he felt a lot less shitty about this one. “Oh!” The man turned around, raising a curious brow. “You wouldn’t happen to know if there’s a phone around here wouldja? I have a business call to make.” 

“I’m not sure whether I’m scared to know what business but, there’s one on the corner at the top of the street.” 

Tony had driven away, not entirely displeased with their encounter. He had felt like he had put off the inevitable with his father, like when he got home there would be crew of men in jumpsuits with nets waiting to throw him in a cardboard box and ship him across the ocean. The whole thing left a dull taste on his tongue, and talking to Steve didn’t seem to better or worse the feeling. 

But right now he was on a warpath, So, Steve wasn’t the one who told Howard. And maybe he never would, maybe it was an anonymous tip or a PI that his father hired to keep a close eye on him and make sure that he didn’t fuck up too royally, either by hooking up with some office candidates daughter or getting arrested. He wished he had been caught doing the latter if that was the case. However, he did have an inkling of an idea, and he was rarely ever wrong.

He had slid into the phone booth, pulling out his address book and retrieving the torn piece of paper he had slid in between the pages. Like it didn’t deserve a place written by his own hand. Dialling the numbers he felt like he was back in that sweaty police station, cramped in a box.

“Hey Christine.” His tone was light, he figured, as a researcher, not to be biased. He had a hypothesis, that he was going to test, he was a scientist in nature after all.

“Tony? I didn’t think you’d call.” He could hear her smile through the phone, the sweet airy-ness to her voice, but he wasn’t buying it.

“I missed you at that party of yours. Just like last time. Weird huh?” 

“Not really.” The cadence on the other line changed, more serious, deeper. Neither of them spoke, had to rearrange some numbers in his head. “Wanna come over? My parents aren’t home.” It sounded like an invitation as well as a threat, he felt maybe he was about to receive the excitement and distraction he needed. He got her address, a time, he figured he would do some more mindless driving until then. By the time he arrived at her home, it felt like he had been around New York five times. But even in the fading sunlight, he recognised the home and memories attached to it, his mystery make out, Rhodey, everything, he felt more guilt. But he wanted a reason now, why? What was the reason for all of it? This girl was not nearly as special or endearing to be this much of a headache, so he doubted she was engineering the downfall of his reputation. 

Tony despised knocking. He despised waiting, the only part about it he could bare was that he didn’t have to open the door himself. But he wasn’t really old money. She opened the door with the same dry smile he had given Steve a few hours ago. “Come in.” She pulled the door open further, a smug layer filtering through her tone.

“Am I a vampire?” He beamed, letting his satire sift through him, diffusing the unspoken tension between them. “I’m here to suck your- you know what never mind, can’t do the voice.” 

She laughed through her teeth, the sound barely escaping the space between her lips. “So I’m guessing you wanna know why the cops showed last night huh?”

Hypothesis officially proven to be true. 

“So you invite me to this ‘party’ that’s pretty much a glorified crack den, and then call the cops? Why? What have I ever done to you?” 

She laughed for real this time, “Typical. A Stark acting they can do no wrong. I’m guessing even Howard Stark doesn’t care about the actions of his son since you’re here and not grounded or anything.” 

Tony snapped his fingers, “Everheart. Right. Your father works for the Bugle. So what is this? Hoping to score some brownie points? Land me and my family in some hot water and hope what? The pot overflows?”

“I hoped maybe that if your father acknowledged your illegal actions then he would be able to acknowledge the horror and destruction he caused during the war. I blame him. And I blame you for being no better, you walk around doing whatever you please just like him.” Informed, assertive, he soaked it in, in a petty way he enjoyed his father being told off, and being told off by this girl and not his father. Still, not particularly caring about what she was talking about, he just looked at her smile, like she was onto something brilliant.

“I could change your mind?” He added when she had finished her rant, with a smirk, and a simple offering of his waving palm.

Kissing her felt like an agreement, a ‘Hey, you don’t like me, I don’t particularly like you anymore, but, what are we if not human right?’. He talked his way out of that in the only language he knew best. Barely removing their clothes, their touches weren’t gentle, the subtlest hint of affection was rubbed off with a tight grip on the lower back, or a slight knudge. In her room, he begun to remember kissing someone else next to the bed, someone taller, stronger. But she wasn’t exactly being soft with him, her hands on his chest, forcing his down onto her made bed. He just laughed, seizing control as she climbed on to him, smacking their lips together once again, like she was sick of hearing his voice. 

Being inside her, fucking into her, felt like a release. A fun distraction at best. Her moans were so soft, like all of the anger and resentment lifted right out of her in breathy, cloudy bubbles. The way her mouth fell open like she was struggling to even speak, and her blonde locks bounced slightly above her shoulders just as she was. He let her move her hips at her own pace, riding him, back and forth, out of rhythm, out of mind. Watching her satisfied him, even if it didn’t, he thought she might kill him if he tried to flip her over, and take back some of the control.

When it was over, he sat on the side of her bed, his elbows rested upon his knees. He glanced at the door and imagined the shadow of his friend there weeks before, but it was quiet now, she sprawled out on her bed, arms tucked under her pillow, when she adjusted herself to get comfortable she would release delicate purrs. Collecting his t shirt, standing up with a grunt in his chest, and leaving out of her front door once again.


	8. Killing Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Under a blue moon I saw you_  
>  So soon you'll take me  
> Up in your arms  
> Too late to beg you or cancel it  
> Though I know it must be the killing time  
> Unwillingly mine  
> ~Echo and the Bunnymen

The air around the mansion was suspiciously quiet, it was oddly bright for the evening, the soft winds seemed to slither around the walls of the home, untouched and unmoving. It was too big, too wide to be moved. Steve had thought a lot about the last few times he had seen Tony, he saw the side of him he had a couple times read about in the paper, and the side he often saw, defensive, arrogant, and he continued to act this way even after directly asking him for his help. He didn’t need to ask why Tony chose him, of all people to come to his aid, Tony could pass it off as ‘ _Well, you’re supposed to help me and I don’t care what you think of me’_ for as long and as hard as he could. The difference was, Steve knew the look in a mans eye when they were about to head into battle, shoulders squared, voice deep, he saw it in Tony, and he knew that if Tony thought he was untouchable, unbreakable, then he would be, because everyone around him would believe it too. Steve was an even match, Tony’s ego matched with the soldiers pride making him a level competitor, the enemy you fight before you finally face the champion. In that way, Steve felt like Tony was just preparing himself, prolonging the inevitable before he had to come face to face with an enemy he was not ready and not able to beat.

No matter how enriching it was to go head to head with Tony Stark, it was just as fun to actually talk with him, despite too much fun being tiring. Which is what he planned to do as Jarvis opened the front door for him, allowing him to walk first into the mansion. 

It made him recall one of the first times he had tutored Tony, and he had been waiting by the dining table, Jarvis opened the door for him, as usual, he was shouting something about how one day they will have no need for Jarvis because he was going to program a facial scanner that lets people in and out of the home, and how it would stop ‘unwanted visitors’ entering. Steve thought it was like something out of a movie about the future and didn’t really think about how it was an obvious nod to his presence, Jarvis let out a simple yet sarcastic _”Very funny sir,”_ , and his mother gave him a light scold. 

Walking into the main room he saw Maria Stark, holding a finger up to her chin thoughtfully until her eyes set upon him. “Oh!” She threw her hands up in genuine surprise. “Oh Steve I forgot you were coming, Howard’s not here, Tony’s downstairs doing whatever it is he does,” She placed a hand on the back of his arm, “I’ll walk you, God knows what he’s doing.” Maria, like himself wasn’t too knowledgable about what exactly Howard and Tony did, Steve was more of an artist than a scientist, despite being more of a fighter than a mediator. 

She walked slightly ahead of them down to the lab, he could hear some AC/DC song he didn’t know the name of getting louder with each step. He could hear her mumbling something to herself, “Tony! Your teachers he-“ She tried to raise her voice over the music, but Tony was louder,

“Ah! Don’t interrupt my flow!” He was on his back on the floor, stretched out beneath a large machine that Steve could tell was an engine of some sort, the machine was held up by two axels either side, his legs sticking out of one side. 

“Well can you at least turn that music off?!” He abruptly slid out from beneath the engine, jumping to his feet, he masked his frustration with a smile. 

“Flow interrupted.” He wiped his arm across his head, smearing some blackish oil across his cheek. “You want me to turn the music off?!”

“Yes. Please.” She nodded, gesturing to Steve. At that, Tony had pulled up a complex and thick block covered in buttons, he had his side to them, dressed so rugged, his brown locks fell messily onto his hands were covered in oil, yet he held himself like a ballerina would, legs straight, back straight, curving at the navel of his spin, his fingers held onto the brick tightly. The robot he had ‘helped’ him with the last time he was in the lab with him began to move towards the boombox above a work top, still blasting the same tune. It freaked slightly, Steve always thought robots had legs but this one rolled across the floor, with another tap on a round yellow button the head of the machine turned, and then suddenly swung quickly to the side, knocking the boombox onto the floor with a crash, shattering the record that faded away on the ground. 

The boy stared at it for awhile, and then turned back to them with his wide smile, “It’s off.” 

His mother sighed, muttering a sorry to Steve before turning out, “You better clean this up.” 

“Yes mother!” He called while she began back upstairs. 

Steve watched Tony set the controller onto his desk, feeling now like he could finally speak as Tony noted something down on a beige coloured pad. Resting his hand on the table next to the boy, he was wearing a long sleeve tee underneath a band shirt that Steve honestly hadn’t heard of before, judging by the music he came into it probably wasn’t his thing. He looked intently into the pad before circling around back to the machine, Steve enjoyed watching him work but he couldn’t just stare at him all night. “Your dad out?” He leaned on the desk, his lips pursed.

“I haven’t seen him since Saturday afternoon. My mom says he’s on a ‘business trip’. That’s just code for he doesn’t wanna see me.” He turned a screwdriver into his robot, his focus had completely turned away from his other project. 

“I woulda thought everyone wants to see you. You’re Tony Stark after all.” He smiled over at Tony, who was squatting behind his creation.

He peaked his head out to the side, smiling back at him, “I’m sorry, Steve Rogers, are you trying to be… Funny?” His eyes had a way of creasing at the corners when he smiled, right now drops of motor oil slipped into the cracks and stained them black. No matter how defensive the kid got, he was a lot more vulnerable to Steve in his natural state like this, the side that the papers didn’t get to see. He averted his eyes, “Anyway, he’ll be back soon…don’t you worry about it.” His voice quietened and then he stuck the screwdriver between his teeth, squinting thoughtfully. Steve had tested the waters, at this point it was still just that, testing, he didn’t know what would happen if he swam too far, maybe he oughta get to doing his job now?

“I’ll be here if you wanna do this, at some point this evening?” The older man took a seat at the desk, dropping his books onto the table.

“I know how much you love my company.” He muttered, he must have actually begun to use the screwdriver while Steve wasn’t looking. “You got somewhere more important to be?” Tony chewed on his tongue, this is what he really looked like when he was focusing, thinking, processing, when he did essays in front of Steve it was like they were an afterthought, he would scribble them out in mere minutes, and they were fine, he just didn’t care. He didn’t care about talking to Steve either.

“I’m visiting an old friend.” 

Tony stopped, turning his head towards his teacher, “Oh.” Steve heard the boys knees click as he stood up, placing his tools on a work top and stepping over the pieces of plastic and glass from the dead boombox.

“Thank you.” Steve let out a huff, turning to the correct page in his textbook. Tony placed himself on the opposite side of the desk, immediately resting his chin in his hand like he was bored already. “So, did you complete that essay I asked you t-“

“Who’s your friend?” Tony leaned all the way back in his chair, obviously trying to procrastinate.

He exhaled, long and tired, “Tony I-“

“What? I won’t make you add on missed time. I’m the one paying you anyway.” He tilted his head back.

“Your dad pays me. You just try my patience.” Steve looked down into the book, trying not to look at the boys smile, because he rarely smiled at Steve so when he did it threw him off.

“Fine.” Tony zipped forward, elbows on his knees and his cheek in his palm, overtly staring at the work Steve was preparing for him. 

Steve kept glancing at him, the kid was trying to annoy him and it annoyed him even more that it was working. It annoyed him how much Tony loved to annoy him. 

“You really wanna know?” He squashed his palms together, placing them on the metal table, above his books, his bulking arms and large, veiny hands just seemed to make everything else look small.

Tony placed a delicate, dirty hand on his chest, “With all my heart Cap’.” 

Steve allowed himself to roll his eyes, he knew he was becoming less and less professional every time he saw Tony. “I’m going to a cemetery. Or a burial vault, I suppose.” 

Tony squinted, blinking profusely, Steve often imagined when he made those faces in times of confusion it was because there was a calculator in head, and someone inside his stubborn brain was tapping away at numbers and equals signs with a trigger finger. Once his expression faltered, that meant he had come to a conclusion, and he just nodded, allowing his teacher to talk, both of them stayed quiet because Steve expected Tony to retreat, and abandon all conversation before there were too many feelings involved.

Instead, his brown eyes beamed at Steve, thoughtful, it was a look he had never got from him before, his lashes were thick and black. Sometimes his eyes would grow wide like this when he was angry, right now they were soft, consuming almost, why did Tony have this affect on people? His sarcasm was like liquor, it made everyone dumb, his smile worked like tranquil, stunning, sleeping anyone who he thought deserved it. And that look in his eyes right now, ‘ _God_ ’ Steve thought, that was the killing blow.

So he just let himself go.

“I lost my… friend, in the war. I mean, literally, lost. They set up these stones in some tomb for everyone who went missing. I go there at least once a month, when I can.” The soldier had never allowed himself to speak this openly to Tony, or Sam, or anyone for that matter. And he hadn’t realised he was staring into Tony’s eyes as he spoke, sinking deeper.

“What was his name?” Steve only just realised a shade of stubble growing on Tony’s chin.

“James Buchanan Barnes.” His throat felt sore as it came out. “I called him Bucky.” 

_And just like that he was back in that field, yields of crops burnt down into nothing, a group of marines decided to storm a cave system they had found emerging from a jungle like forest. There were five of them in total, wielding 47’s and more explosives than they could have ever needed. Steve was the first one to enter, it was dark, mostly lit but some holes above them and some torches, he could feel dirt bouncing off of his shoulders. Bucky was right behind him, Steve was already brave, but him being there always gave him the confidence to feel invincible._

_The enemy emerged, out of the darkness, the infantry was quick but they were quicker, they knew the caves. It was like they came out of the walls, they didn’t have the advanced weaponry but they didn’t need it, and without his order someone had set off a grenade._

_And then flames had begun travelling down the winding, narrow system suffocating, the ceiling began the crumble above them, he couldn’t hear the screams over the ringing in his ears. He held up his guard for long enough, until an enemy fighter engaged him out of the fire. And so, his companion, instinctively, stupidly, rushed to his aid, fighting him, hand to hand now, while the fire tried to clear them out._

_And he tried, God, he tried. Once the smoke and all the flames from the pits of hell themselves had taken his partner and his enemy, he just kept running, head first. And there was nothing, no one._

Tony’s eyes had moved down to look at Steve’s chest, perplexed yet understanding, Steve had wondered what look must have come across his face while he had been talking that managed to scare the boy away.

“I’m sorry…” there was a hitch in his throat, his voice had gone deep and serious. “Why did you stay there? After all that, why keep fighting?” He had looked back up at Steve, who had turned pale, solemn.

He placed his hand flat on the table in front of them, stretching out his fingers, “I asked myself that often. But you never stop fighting Tony.” They locked eyes, like it was the first time he said something that clicked in Tony’s head, like an answer he had been trying to reach for so long but he just couldn’t find it. They both inhaled, in through the nose, letting the air fill their lungs, and out, staring, sharing the oxygen with each other for the first time. Tony frowned, and Steve’s lips formed the tense line they usually did. He knew Tony wouldn’t ask about the war anymore.

Tony leaned across the table, retrieving his chunky brick of a controller and looking over at his robot, still surrounded by pieces of plastic and metal. “Hang on…” he mumbled, pressing down on a few red buttons, then some blue, then a yellow. Steve hadn’t really registered what he was up to now, his mind elsewhere, although he could hear the thing rolling around the lab, occasionally bumping into desk corners and treading broken glass around the floor, clanging and shattering. He had stopped rubbing his eyes and noticed the machine, barely, carrying a tray that held a half full bottle of whiskey in an almost ornate glass bottle, and two glasses. It wobbled, watching it made Steve all the more nervous, but the technology, and watching Tony watch it seemed to distract him for the most part. It set the silver tray down onto the table with a thud, the objects it carried threatened to fall over as it did, shaking profusely, luckily they all remained upright.

“Hey, Tony it’s oka-“

“Wait, wait, wait watch this.” He bit on his tongue again, his brows curved. Steve heard a few more clicks from across the table and then the machine picked up the whiskey bottle between its claw, turning it without care, spilling over both of the glasses and eventually filling them up, not without filling up the tray and flickering over some paperwork. With a shaky hand, it dropped the bottle, retrieving a glass and handing it in Steve’s direction, which he took as quick as he could, imagining it being dropped all over him.

He allowed himself to chuckle, briefly, “Thank you, Tony but I-“ 

“Ah, don’t thank me.” Tony pointed at the robot, he made a face like it was another person in the room and he didn’t want to appear like he was talking about it so obviously. And it made Steve smile, and want to roll his eyes, and want to cry. 

He looked up to the almost menacing claw, pointing directly at him, “Thank you.” He tipped the rim of the glass toward it, to which Tony must have programmed, or something, making it turn, and roll into the corner, crashing into a corner as it did. 

Placing his unwanted drink on the table, facing Tony, he could tell that he was proud of what he had just done, but for once read the room and warranted it inappropriate. Steve knew Tony didn’t realise it, but all his thoughts flashed on his face even in mere seconds, and it was easy for him to read. “Impressive. You couldn’t have done that yourself?” 

Tony head up his hands, shrugging, “I could. But I didn’t want to.” He took the other glass, leaning back in his chair. 

“You shouldn’t be drinking. You’re not 21.” Steve voice aired concern, playful concern.

“Yeah and you should be. Jesus.” Tony scoffed, smiling into his glass, as if we was about to sip, but he stopped himself, pointing it in the older mans direction. “Hey, I’m offering you the opportunity to share a drink with me.”

“I’m flattered.” His voice suggested otherwise. Tony made a face. For the first time, they were on equal footing, Tony allowed someone to be of a higher status than himself, but why? Why now? Tony made it clear he doesn’t ascribe to pity, this was acceptance. Reluctant, stubborn, acceptance, in his own way, in their own way. Steve picked up the glass, tipping it in Tony’s direction, and they both drank, Steve only just dipped at it, refusing to partake in anymore. But by accepting, he realised he and Tony had just made a silent, mutual agreement.

Both glasses landed on the table simultaneously, Tony’s half full, Steve’s almost as it was before. The boys lips parted slightly, dampened, eyeing up Steve’s glass, and then Steve, his eyes flickering like he had just read the full terms of their contract, turning away like reality had just slapped him around the face. “I don’t hate you, you know.” _Oh._ He was referring to the other night. There was something about the almost petulant way he now refused to look at Steve and the etching in his voice that made it sound like he was a kid whose parents were making him apologise. “You’re not a total asshole and I suppose I’ve been somewhat of a dick.” He waved his hand in circles, as if he was just telling a story.

“Somewhat.” The hint of a smirk appeared upon his mouth 

Tony has picked up his drink, sipping at it, “I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.” The sarcasm had aired back out of his lungs, up his throat and into his voice, like all the anxiety, all the tension from their conversation had soaked out of his breath. Steve had let himself laugh, it was more of a chuckle, he felt wrong doing it, he couldn’t quite think of why. Maybe it was because for the first time he realised that Tony, with his brunet hair failing sit upright above his head, curling slightly above his forehead, his grease stained cheeks and the way his lips reddened, plump around the rim of the glass, the way his dirty fingers tapped on the glass while his index finger stuck in the air, and the slickness of his voice, was in fact, lovely. 

He had seen a different side of him tonight, softer, if he could even be soft. A side that just listened to the noise instead of being the noise. Once they had finally begun to do some work together, Tony almost looked surprised as if their whole encounter was going to stop Steve from doing his job, of course. But he also mentally punched himself whenever he sneaked a glance at Tony while he was scribbling on his notepad, writing dates, names of political figures, it even seemed unimportant to Steve that night. 

Tony didn’t walk Steve out after their session, he didn’t expect him to, until he stood up to say goodbye. Usually, the boy remained seated, barely waving Steve out the door and letting his mother or Jarvis walk him out, or if on the odd chance Howard was around Tony would quickly retreat upstairs or downstairs while his father entrapped him in conversation. But on that night, Tony had stood, leaning on his table like he was about to go somewhere but he wasn’t really sure where, he had never seen him so… awkward, it made Steve feel like he needed to leave, so he did, as fast as possible.

He never brought flowers to the memorial, he saw that someone had, he couldn’t imagine who. One time when they were both about eighteen, Steve had brought Bucky flowers, he called them lame and patted him on the shoulder, but he accepted them nonetheless. He had the idea because he saw Bucky gift some pretty girl an assorted bouquet a few years back, it worked like a charm, when he tried it with Bucky he laughed in his face, _”I’m not a chick, man.”_. He could still hear his voice. 

It was cold, the memorial was like a locker, full of shelves of names of those never found, forever lost. The stones were marble, Bucky’s was on the bottom row, often making him feel especially glum looking down. His name had passed his lips for the first time in… too long, it had been years, and he still tried to convince himself that not acknowledging it, not thinking about it, visiting him as much as he could so that he could try and accept it would make it all better. Yet he looked at the flowers, he thought about talking to Tony, and how it felt like a little bit of smoke escaped his lungs. 

And the smoke blew from his lungs, the ash from the cave sifted onto the ground, the dirt fell from his eyes, there was change in the air. It was acceptance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Quick update! I’ve really appreciate the support I’ve received so far thank u guys, it means a lot <3


	9. Heart of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Once I had a love and it was a gas  
>  Soon turned out had a heart of glass  
> Seemed like the real thing only to find  
> Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind  
> Lost inside adorable illusion  
> And I cannot hide  
> I'm the one you're using  
> Please don't push me aside”_  
> ~Blondie

Moving on always seemed like a peculiar phrase. You could, physically, move on, when everything and everyone around you reminds you of the pain every photograph or seat they once sat on brings back all the suffering. Mentally moving on, is, in practice, much more difficult. It’s easy to move to the middle of nowhere, but memories follow you, the look of their face when you made a stupid joke follows you, the way they made you smile when they remembered that song you said you liked just because you liked it. Steve, however, thought that ‘moving on’ was just code for running away, an overt act of cowardice that one only commits when when they try and rewrite their own history, erasing the parts that are especially traumatic so that you don’t look back and see the disgusting horrible monster, because no one wants that, that’s why you just lock it up, swallow the key, burn the key, whatever. Erase it, burn it, but Steve couldn’t do that, he didn’t want to. You should face pain head on, recognise it, question it, when you had no one else, memories and the pain that came with them were your best friend, they were the man that had your back on the battlefield.

But he said none of that, sat in that miserable circle with other ‘vets looking for hope and trying to escape their own past, the guilt. They all had regrets, sure, how couldn’t you? Steve didn’t talk about his regrets, they were all part of the pain. Still, he sat back in his moderately comfortable plastic chair, hands in his lap. One man told the story of how he accidentally shot his teammate in friendly fire, today in much more detail than last week, and the week before that, and so on, it was all he ever spoke about, and Sam, god bless him, he tried; _”You gotta move on, remember you had no way of knowing, that it wasn’t your fault.”_. But, it wasn’t ever so easy. 

By the end of the group meetings, steve always felt exhausted, he didn’t even know why he kept going to them. He didn’t need it, he didn’t want it, maybe he was just trying to support his friend. He stayed back after everyone had left, Sam was stacking chairs, so he decided to help him out. 

“Look, I know you have so much fun with me but group ended at 2:30.” 

Steve released a breathy laugh, dropping two chairs onto another one, “You looked like you were struggling.” 

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Irony leaked through his deep monotone voice. Once he had gathered all of the once circled chairs, he leaned on a stack of them, “Long day?” 

He was going to have a long day, after teaching his school, getting out as early as he could so he could help out at group. Next stop was his lesson with Tony. “You could say that. Got that Stark job to get to next.” He leaned on the now cleared buffet table.

“That rich asshole? That why you’re still here in this miserable place killing time?”

“It pays well.”

His friend snorted, crossing his large arms. “I bet. He should give you a Lamborghini for putting up with that little spoilt bastard too.”

“He can be difficult, but the kid’s okay.” 

Sam raised an eyebrow, cautious, “well you got a day job.” He said pointedly, “Spend too much time over that side of town I’m gonna lose you to all those stuck up socialites.” He smiled.

Steve returned the smile. “Oh so you’re jealous?” 

“Oh me? Jealous of you,” he laughed again, “You’re really losing it buddy.” He patted him on the shoulder and strode across the depressingly grey carpet. Steve began to follow, eventually exceeding him out the door. It was bright outside, warm, the spring sun had started setting on the city. “Oh, before I forget, Our sponsors are hosting some charity, ball, fancy rich asshole thing. You know, support the troops, well, it would be good to have another rep with me if you’re up for it.” 

Steve stopped, looking over at him with a shrug. “Sure, it will help me to better integrate into my New York socialite lifestyle.” He bared a wide smile, mounting his motorcycle. 

“Ha-ha. Well it’s black tie, so you’re gonna have to change out of that grandpa get-up.” 

“I think I dress fine.”

Sam smirked at him, “Buy yourself a $30 suit. I’ll call you with the details. And have fun with your elitist buddies.” He waved a placid hand, they shared goodbyes. 

On his ride to the Stark mansion, he became contemplative, something he had been a lot more of recently. He thought about Bucky, and moving on, and Tony, and how he had allowed himself to look at Tony in a way he hadn’t let himself look at anyone since Bucky. And how that was wrong, incredibly, incredibly wrong. 

Another day, another evening at the Stark’s. a sunny evening, the light beamed around the building, Steve was hopeful.

Jarvis let him in, again. There was nobody else around, the setting sun set shadows over the empty and lifeless polished floors. “He’s outside in the garden. He’s instructed me to let you know you’ll be working there this evening.” He then offered him a drink, walked him outside etcetera. He didn’t really pay attention it made him feel rude. But he felt exposed. 

Tony was stretched out on his stomach on a black and gold towel. It looked like something most families would save for special occasions, or special guests, and Tony was using his bony knees to rub it into the damp grass. He was fiddling with something small, he had his books in front of him for once, although they were covered with dirt. Not many homes in the city had a backyard that wasn’t shared, concrete, or up high, you could see the whole landscape of the city in the curve of Tony’s back, it radiated behind him and the perfectly trimmed hedges that lined the yard. The was a lawn chair beside him, which was so obviously out of place, he must have purposely moved it. 

“What’s with the change of scenery?” Steve sunk his hands into his jacket pockets, looking down at him with narrowed brows, and a faint smile on his lips.

He didn’t look up at him, the thing was multicoloured, square, he seemed very frustrated with it. “I have been banned from the lab.” He turned his head to look at the double doors leading inside, “but you can’t ban me from the OUTSIDE!” He shouted, he didn’t necessarily know who he was yelling at, Steve smiled fully at him, something about his childish rebellion filled him with warmth.

He took a seat on the lawn chair, legs spread, “Aren’t you a little too old to be playing with toys?” 

Tony glared at him, and then glared back at the object in his hands, “It’s not a toy. It’s a Rubix cube. And it’s my second worst enemy.”

“Who’s your first?”

Tony didn’t reply, squinting down at the puzzle. 

Steve looked around the lawn, there was a pool in the corner which looked unused. He pulled some textbooks and some papers from his bag, he almost forgot what he was supposed to be doing there looking at the arch lining Tony’s back, he was still in his uniform shirt, his blazer folded beneath his elbows. “You want me to give it a try?” 

Tony scoffed, shaking his head like Steve had said something preposterous. “If I cant do it, then I don’t see it happening for you.” 

The older man muttered under his breath but knew he would be heard, “You always have something to say don’t you?” With a sigh he got out the work him and tony would be doing: _September 15th, 1950, U.S Troops invade at Inchon._

“Don’t you?” Tony tilted his head up with a smirk, devilish, “Have something you wanna say to me?” He kicked one of his legs in the air. Now, there were a lot of things Steve wanted to say, but right now, looking at him he couldn’t think of anything. 

“How about you put down the toy and we can get onto something much more interesting?” He didn’t believe what he was saying himself, so he doubted Tony did. Still, he complied. He could’ve sworn he heard Tony mumbling under his breath as he put the cube to side, pulling his books in front of him; _”it’s not a toy…”_ he pulled out a pen, shifting around on his stomach to get comfortable, if he could even be comfortable, the towel scrunched up beneath him and the point of his shoes dug into the dirt.

Actually teaching Tony was easy, he didn’t ask a lot of questions, usually just making snide remarks or calling some president a loser, or theorised how if he was Harry Truman than none of this would have happened because he was, quote, a “pussy” who was intimidated by Stalins “big moustache.” However interacting with him, generally speaking, was now a complex mission and he didn’t know what strategy to use, his incessant need to be right, or try to outwit Steve made Steve want to fight back, but the way his eyes glimmered after making a sarcastic comment or the way the collar of shirt hung a little too low revealing his olive collarbones was also incredibly endearing that he wanted to melt. He just tried to teach him, and get it over with, so he didn’t have to deal with any of it. 

He had gone through the topic, giving Tony a lengthy essay which meant he would be quiet. It felt odd, almost too natural, sat higher than Tony, who was sprawled out on the ground like a child. Outside of the jarring bright lights and echoing metal of the lab or the overly perfect ornate wooden chairs in his living room he looked serene for a second. But it was Tony, and all of this was some petty act of rebellion, and he didn’t want to be doing history work, but as Steve pulled out his sketch pad, hiding it behind his textbook, he tried to capture Tony like this. The setting sun glowing on the peach hairs on the crane of his neck as he bent over his notebook, his legs crossed behind him and a smudge of dirt on his ankle where his smart trousers had lifted slightly. He carved out the navel of his back and the creases on his white shirt. Outlining his plump lips wrapped around the end of his pen in thought. He didn’t think too much of it, he didn’t really see Tony that way, he was just inspired, he told himself, just mindless sketching.

Once Tony had completed the work, Steve had slammed the sketch pad between two pages of his textbook which detailed how Korea had been divided into north and south, and became aware at how dark it had started become, the lights coming from the city seemed to blur the changing from day to night.

“Where are your parents?” Steve had begun to fold up the lawn chair he had been sat on, although Tony told him not to bother. 

“The Warden is still away on a business trip or whatever, my mother is visiting some aunt or… friend? I don’t know. Why do you care?” The boy raised an eyebrow, rolling up the towel. Steve noticed him gently kick the rubix cube in petulance when he thought he wasn’t looking.

“Uh… you’re not banned from your lab because of last week are you?” They began to walk inside together, the mud had hardened significantly since he came out. 

Tony snorted, “Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble, he loves you too much.” Steve tried to interject, but Tony didn’t allow him to speak, “I think he thought he was being too nice letting me be in there alone while he’s not here.” He shrugged, although he was clearly bothered, scratching the back of his neck and then pulling on a few hairs on the back of his head.

“What about if you have adult supervision?” Steve offered with a smile.

“Thanks, but I prefer to work alone.” He tilted his head to side. “And I need to order a pizza. Because Jarvis is having a break tonight.” 

“You don’t know how to cook?” Steve had taken a seat inside, to which Tony looked at him as if to say _”Make yourself at home”_.

“No?” He squinted at him again like he was talking nonsense. “Oh, do you?”

“We can’t all have Lobster Thermidor on a whim.” 

Tony turned his back on him, it looked like he was walking towards the glass water jug on the coffee table, until he spun on his heels, pointing in Steve’s direction. “I can make a mean cheese sandwich.”

“Crust or no crust?” The older man added as the boy turned back toward the water jug.

“No crust. Do you think I’m an animal?” 

Steve just smiled to himself, assuming that Tony was just getting a drink for himself. Decided to slip his sketchbook from the plastic pages of the history book, revealing his drawing, he thought he would organise his bag. 

“Aw, man.”

The voice behind him caused him to jump, and he was never easily shaken, he turned around to look at Tony, horrified. He felt that if he could die in that moment he could, he had been in the middle of gory, intense conflict, but right now, he was mortified. He could see Tony looking at the drawing over his shoulder, what was he going to think of him?

“I need to lose a few pounds huh?” 

He had said it with a smirk, placing a small glass of water beside the drawing, and turning away like nothing had happened. 

Steve quickly thought that he mustn’t talk in fear that his words wouldn’t come out correctly and he would stutter like a guilty pervert. Tony was on the other side of the room, casually flicking through some documents on a counter, what game was he playing? Whatever it was Steve detested every minute of it. 

“Oh.” Tony piped up, his finger has been tracing some piece of paper that he couldn’t make out, facing Steve with a grin. “Happy Valentines Day.”

 _What?_. “Oh… I completely forgot. You too.” He coughed, his voice forcefully maintaining its deep stoic-ness. Tony was going to act natural? Okay, he will do the same. Hopefully it will make both of them forget this had ever happened. “Spending it with anyone special?” 

Tony was chewing his bottom lip, causing it to turn a bruised red. “Maybe. haven’t decided yet.” 

Steve maintained eye contact with him as he sipped at the water, _What was that supposed to mean?_

“It’s a stupid holiday anyway...” The boy murmured into his own glass.

“I’ll drink to that.” Steve chuckled lightly.

It wasn’t painfully quiet, Steve thought if he didn’t have the water he might choke and die right in that’s moment. Until a small voice rose across the room.

“But if you’re not doing anything, I guess you could supervise me in the lab?” Looking down at his toes, he tried to play it off, casually leaning against the wall, crossing his arms with unsure dignication. Steve didn’t have to think of his answer.

“…Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter, establishing chapter, but I hope you enjoy!


	10. Liability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy  
>  'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore  
> And then they are bored of me  
> I know that it's exciting  
> Running through the night, but  
> Every perfect summer's  
> Eating me alive until you're gone  
> Better on my own”_  
> ~Lorde

His suit was slightly too big which only bothered him a little bit. He looked across at his mother, she was also wearing black. He shifted his sort of short black tie to which his mother scolded him and told him he was making himself look ‘scruffy’. “He’s too good to ride in the same car as me now? I didn’t even wanna come to this thing.” Tony shifted in his seat, Jarvis was being an awfully quiet driver and it made him uncomfortable, his mother just looked frustrated. The car was almost as long as a limousine, the seats black with quilted leather.

She huffed, popping open her purse and rummaging through it, “He wanted to drive alone, you know how he gets. You do the same thing you know?” 

Lights flashed by as they drove past, he was not particularly looking forward to this evening. Charity events were just an excuse for his father to save face in the public eye so that people forgot that he was actually a millionaire who didn’t really care about anyone else, the worst part was everyone else who attended was just the same, except Howard was richer, smarter, that made him and Tony and even Maria when it came down to it, social targets. All of them knew that every cheesy grinned, Chanel laced WASP wanted to see them all fall, it was all part of the game, behind every _”Oh Howard, how have you been? Oh that Tony’s growing up to be such a dashing young man.”_ was a spiteful nest of vipers. Howard always told him he should get used to it, because that was how the rest of his life was going to be. Yay.

“I am hardly the same as him, I don’t just not talk to him for weeks for no reason.” He tapped his foot on the velvet lining.

“You know the reason. And you know that’s not true.” 

He shook his head, then decided to try and change the subject, “You look really pretty you know?” He grinned at his unimpressed mother, she reached out her hand and brushed her thumb across his cheek.

“Thank you sweetie. You’re still coming.” She pulled back her hand, triggering a defeated scoff from the teenager. “I heard that Andrew Buchanan is bringing his daughter, she’s supposed to be lovely.” She waved her finger in his direction, looking back down into her purse, looking for something.

“She’s like 19. You know that’s way too young for me.” 

She tutted and pulled a lipstick and a small mirror out of her purse, muttering as she applied it, “Your father has told me to tell you to be polite and respectful. I expect the same.” The car stopped, he groaned and tugged on his hair, causing it to fall over the side of his forehead.

“What is this even for? And why am I supposed to care?” He realised he sounded whiney, he hoped it was endearing enough for his mother to give in. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. 

“We are supporting our troops, I think, I say We, because you are coming.” The doors swung out either side of them, faceless men in red suits letting both of them out. Taking the elevator up, the event hall wasn’t anything too special, there were chandeliers, and fancy looking flower arrangements, he wanted to groan out loud at all the stuck up suits standing around with champagne glasses, acting important, but he knew his mother might pinch him. 

He was showered in damp handshakes and french like cheek kisses as soon as he tried to get through the room, debutantes batting their eyelashes at him and CEOs that were way too old to be digging their fingers into his shoulders the way that they were, he was used to it. 

Then he saw his father, surrounded by guffawing corporate goons, he waved Tony and Maria over. Kissing his wife on the cheek and placing a firm hand on Tony’s upper back, “Fellas you haven’t met my son, you know he’s a genius?” He wanted to sliver away, instead he just smiled while the swarm of well dressed sharks stared at him like a puppy. 

His father showed him off as if he were his prized possession, although he never spoke like that about him in private. A waiter walking around with a tray of champagne glasses passed by to which Tony slyly retrieved one, and then his father took it out of his hands, laughing while he did it so that nobody would notice. The hand on his back tightened, what? He wasn’t allowed to have any fun? “You know Tony’s doing his masters in Advanced Chemistry?” They all murmured chains of praise and admiration in unison. What he won’t mention to them is how he’s failing a high school humanity subject, and that he makes him feel deeply ashamed of it almost every time he sees him, and how this is the first time he’s spoken to his father since he got arrested, and probably the first time his father has touched him since a new Stark Industries factory was opened downtown and they had to take a picture for the paper. 

“Well look who it is, get over here!” Howard bellowed, Tony couldn’t see who it was amongst the crowd swallowing him up. Suddenly there was an opening and he thought he might be able to escape through it, until it was filled with two muscular suited bodies. Looking up, he hoped the classical musical would shield the sound of his _”You’ve gotta be kidding me.”_ and how he was suddenly more provoked than ever. “Folks this is Steve Rogers, he’s a fine man, this is why we do it. He was out there, fighting the good fight, you know?” The hand on Tony’s back lifted and placed itself onto Steve’s shoulder, he didn’t know whether he was thankful or annoyed. Steve gave a brief nod, and a polite smile. “And this is?” He gestured to the man beside Steve, for some reason, Tony actually wanted to know, he was broad and mysterious, he smiled and shook hands with everyone, but he barely looked at Tony. 

“Sam.” He answered briefly, his smile was charming, he was asked about how he knew Steve, and his role in the war, and his involvement with the event. Tony learned he was in the aerial unit, he always wanted to fly, but… not like that. “I met Steve some time after the war had ended, at a… memorial, convinced him to come by to our little organisation and uh… help out.” His voice commanded the room, Steve just nodded again, and, like Tony, grabbed a convenient glass of champagne as a waitress passed by. 

Steve finally spoke up, patting the back of his friends arm, clearing his throat. “Sam, this is Tony, who I’ve been… working with.” He gave him a meaningful look, until Sam finally turned to Tony and shook his hand, short and firm. 

“Yeah, I saw an article about you in the paper,” He seemed uninterested in what he was saying.

“Was it a good read?” Tony smirked.

“Kinda.” His voice was deep with a sarcastic twang to his words.

“Well- I- Uh, didn’t realise I’d be seeing you here, Howard, Tony.” Steve nodded at the both of them, wanting to get away, Tony flashed everyone a wide smile and slipped away between Steve and his father. Although he heard them all now talking about something or the other, one of his fathers ‘associates’ or whatever he called them put a tight arm around his shoulder, his smile was predatory, and he had waves of wrinkles under his grey eyes. 

“You know, Tony, I would love to talk to you one time about covalent bonds and what-not.” God, could this guy be any less subtle? He might as well just put his clammy mittens on Tony’s head and push it down in front of everyone. He felt like laughing, he also felt itchy. It was sort of flattering and only kind of creepy, again, he was used to it, the difference was that people thought he was too young to notice, but he had been pawed up by enough affluential married old men to understand the signals. 

“You know, I would love that, but right now that buffet table is calling to me and I haven’t eaten all day.” He felt people looking at him, he patted the mans chest and laughed awkwardly as he squirmed out of his grip. 

And then the music suddenly changed, noticing all the men taking their tired wives who were dripping in pearls by their wrinkly, polished finger-nailed hands over to the dance floor. He saw Steve talking with his mother while everyone began dancing, his father was elsewhere, he was giving her this sweet, _’I’ll have her home by nine’_ smile and then linked arms with her, guiding her over and locking hands as she swayed with him to the music. _”Ew.”_ He thought, _”Stay away from my mother.”_

“Hi! Tony! Remember me?” A bright faced blonde with a little bit too much blush across her pale cheeks appeared next to him. Admittedly, the most enticing part about her was her above average chest. 

“Oh, Yeah. Hi.” He lied. With a grin. This would turn out to be a fun distraction from this evening. God, why did Steve have to be here? 

“Um… Do you like, wanna dance with me?” She lowered her eyes, she was wearing some glittery blue eyeshadow that matched her prom like teal gown. 

“Sure.” He took her hand, and began leading her over, “Just to let you know, I do have two left feet.” She giggled, tucking a long curled strand of hair behind her ear before she took his other hand. She swayed in time with him, not standing too close.

He looked over her shoulder, and from across the room he noticed a familiar set of eyes on him, and there was Steve, dancing with his probably enthused mother and also looking over her head. When they caught eyes the older man glanced away, mouthing something to Maria that made her laugh. 

He was moving, side to side with this girl and, who was pretty, would probably be approved of by his mother, not his father, (who told him not to get into a relationship and waste his time), and now he was staring at this man, who for some reason was everywhere he looked, he had nowhere to turn without seeing his dumb, smug, face and chiselled jaw. He looked good in that suit, of course, it made him look sophisticated, like he actually could fit in with those around him, it was an all black three piece. Hm, good choice. It complimented his frame, he had wide shoulders and a slim waist, it made him angry that he felt pleased looking at him. 

Then, he realised Steve was looking at him that whole time. And he was just looking back. Like they were both trying to figure out each others existence at this ball together, they were so far apart, they had their own partners, and it was like they were both filling up each others space. Everything was so fast, but it was all moving so slow at the same time.

“Tony?” He snapped back into reality, at the green, painted eyes looking up at him. Offering her a mindless _”Hm?”_ to which she gave him a suggestive glance.”Do you wanna go somewhere?” He wasn’t really paying attention to her, he was like an animal, he had made eye contact, and now he was just moving on instinct, he couldn’t tell himself whether he was heading for a fight or he was gonna run away.

“Yeah, sure.” He wasn’t looking at her when she said it, and he wasn’t looking at her when he pressed his lips against her ear and whispered something that only the two of them would know. He matched Steve, who’s chest raised slightly in offence, still staring back at the boy as if he couldn’t stop. Since the last time they saw each other, him and Steve had started a game, it was just between the two of them, and neither of them knew the rules. Until he decided enough was enough, and to escape, he pulled the girl across the floor, turning to her with little anecdotes that continued to make her giggle, sweeping her onto the empty balcony and shutting the tall glass doors behind them. He didn’t want to think about whether Steve was looking.

The night air was thick, warm. The music and the high society chatter all became muffled. 

He didn’t wanna talk, he knew that anyone could come out at any moment and it thrilled him. He pushed her against the nearest wall, that was thankfully shielded from the door by some tall, fake carved hedges. “You sure this is okay?” His hands were placed on her hips, her lips were parted, glossy, she bit on her lower one and nodded her head, eager, he almost felt bad, almost. 

He kissed her and wished that he was drunk. He wished that he enjoyed it more, he wished that Steve wasn’t inside, he wished that man hadn’t touched him. After all, this was his idea of fun, of letting go, why did it all of a sudden feel so forced? His lips trailed down her neck, causing frail moans to fall out of her mouth. He hoped everything and everyone would just stop, he planted kisses along her jawline and wished it was someone else, someone who cared. _God_ , he sounded like a girl. 

He had gotten so in his head he didn’t hear the balcony door open. The symphonies blaring inside became clearer, as did his sight once the girl had gently pushed him away from her. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to regain his balance, 

“Oh-“ He turned as he heard a low voice come around the hedges, the girl had turned an even brighter shade of red than the one she had painted on her face. It was Steve’s… friend, he looked unimpressed. 

“Oh, Shaun, was it? Hi.”

“It’s Sam.” He had a lot of bass in his voice, his now annoyed voice that matched his annoyed expression. The girl fixed her dress, and her hair, squeezing past both of them and retreating back inside.

He bit his tongue, smiling, his heart was beating too fast for how still he was right now. “My apologies, you know, there’s so many people in here.”

“Mhm.” His lips were pursed. “Well I think your dad was about to give a speech so.” With that, he turned back inside, letting the doors shut behind him.

He wasn’t embarrassed, all of it had just made him feel like shifting away in the air, like a paper bag, or a bubble. He was supposed to be having fun, best years of your life or something like that, right? Fake it till you make it? He dragged himself back inside, and saw his father at the head of the room, with a champagne glass and a small spoon in his hands, his mother next to him. He joined the crowd, he couldn’t see Steve, or Sam, or that girl. Now everyone was paying attention to Howard.

“I’d like to make a speech.” He spoke with candour, “First of all, I think we should all toast the amazing coordinators for organising such a lovely evening.” Everyone clapped, but they didn’t care, he knew Howard didn’t care. “And I think that we should all focus on the reason why we are all here today. Now I don’t want to get into politics, but as much as I think Reagan is doing a fine job, there is not nearly enough support for the soldiers who have risked their lives for our country when they come home.” Everyone murmured in unison some form of agreement.  
“This cause is very near and dear to my heart, being able to raise money for those who fought for our freedoms, and pay tribute to those who lost their lives is why we do it.” He went on, Tony couldn’t stand to listen to his voice anymore. He saw a fire exit sign to his sign which revealed a stairwell, pushing through the doors and deciding to go up, and up and up, until he could barely breathe.

He shoved his way out into the rooftop, it was much colder. Walking slowly to the edge, perching himself on a vent and lighting up a cigarette to warm himself up. Eyes up to the sky, thankful that he was finally alone, although the knew he was going to be penalised for it later. He was tired of thinking so much all the time, he was tired of everyone knowing his name, he was tired of everyone touching him. But he knew he’d have to get used to it and get over it if he wanted to survive. And all the thoughts he’d been having lately would have to disappear if he wanted to get anywhere.

“You’re not gonna jump are you?” 

He recognised the voice and he actually smiled, clutching the cigarette between his fingers and feeling the heat travel closer to his skin.“If I do, will you catch me?” With a smirk, he closed his mouth around the stick, and then blew out, watching the smoke go nowhere. He heard dull footsteps come close to him, he refused to look. He refused to look even when he sat down beside him, but he knew exactly what kind of face the man was making, and so his expression turned serious, “I’m not gonna jump you idiot. And I don’t need anyone to save me.” 

“You sure about that cowboy?” Steve raised that brow, and deepened his voice in that usual way he did when he wasn’t buying what Tony was trying to sell.

“When am I not sure about anything?” 

Steve scoffed, and shook his head, “Yeah, you’re right.” 

You could barely hear the music now, just a distant thumping coming from beneath them. Tony looked up at the sky, searching for something in the blackness. “Did you know, all the lights were to turn off in the city, no cars, to TVs, no nothing. You would be able to see the stars. Hell, you might even be able to see Mars.” He flicked his cigarette onto the ground, his head tilted back, consumed by the darkness above him. “There’s so much fake in this city, you can’t see how cool the real world is…” when he finally looked at Steve, his lips looked dry, like he had suddenly became aware of how much he had revealed to him even though he had said so little. “I wanna go to space one day. That would be cool.” He spoke quietly then to himself.

“When I was in Vietnam, it was nothing like it is here. At night, the whole sky was filled with lights, just like Times Square. But it was real. And I’ve lived in the city my whole life, so I never knew any different. I wish I got to see it in different circumstances.” He shrugged his shoulders, slipping his fingers between his jacket and letting it fall open. 

“What are you doing up here?” Tony finally sighed. “You’re not stalking me are you?” 

Steve laughed, “Funnily enough not everything is about you. I didn’t know you were gonna be up here.” Tony made a face, “Your dad was saying some stuff that I suppose I couldn’t really listen to. Thought I’d get some air.”

“You can say it, he’s a dick.” Steve laughed a little more, which made Tony smile. 

“Well, it’s just fate or coincidence that put us both here at this point in time.” 

“I don’t believe in that superstitious crap.” 

“Why’s that?” 

“Not that it’s any different to you, but it’s just not logical. Yes there is a biological reason why we do the things that we do and why and when, but the idea of fate is just… you can’t see it like you can see chemicals in the brain. Maybe it’s easier for people like you to accept so that you can you know, go to war, watch people die, and then pass it off as if it was just ‘Fate’.” He waved his hands around, obviously irritated and he’d found the perfect person to get it out to. 

“Alright Tony, I get it-“

“Do you? Do you get it?” He inhaled, filling his chest. They both knew he was talking about something else. 

“Get What Tony? What is it you want me to get?” His eyes were pleading at him, and Tony didn’t really have an answer. He saw Steve’s frustration with him finally reach it’s peak, and he enjoyed it. “Because I see the way you walk around acting like you’re above everyone, like you don’t care, and I don’t buy it.” Tony stood up quickly, turning to look over the edge of the building, down at the noisy, loaded streets, like something Steve said struck a chord.

“Why are you here? Why are you talking to me?” He was talking at himself, his arms crossed. Steve had stood up, behind him, like he was ready for something to happen. Tony spun back around, his face now lighted up with anger, resentment, frustration. “You are my teacher, that is it, you are paid to put up with me! Just like everyone else. So why don’t you do us both a favour and leave me the hell alone.”

Steve reflected his stance, crossing his arms in an act of defiance. “Who did you call when you needed bailing out? Tony Stark who has all the friends and all the money in the world, who did you call? And who showed up? Huh?” 

“Why? Come on then Rogers, if you’re so determined to do, whatever this is, then tell me why you did it, why you do all of it? Because I’m having a little trouble figuring it out, if it’s not because you are PAID to, why?” Steve could see flames lighting up his dark eyes, dark, confused, angry, eyes.

“Because maybe, for some, crazy reason, I _care_ about what happens to you. I have been put in a position of trust, and I’ll be damned if I break that.” 

He suddenly felt sick, like he deserved it, but like he didn’t deserve what Steve was saying to him. He didn’t believe it, but even if it was true, he didn’t deserve that, especially from Steve.

“So what am I? Your mission? You’ve decided you’ve gotta stop me becoming more fucked up?” 

“For goodness sakes, Tony, no you’re… you’re…” he chewed on his words for as long as Tony would let him before he cut him off in anger.

“What?! What am I?” 

“A pain.” Steve empathised in a blunt, forceful, voice. “A pain in my ass.” There was something fond in his voice, underneath the frustration, and afterwards he sighed.

Tony’s eyes were wide, red, he looked too young to be full of so much anger. When Tony argued it was like he aged a hundred years on his manner alone, but right now, the thickness of his lashes, wet and clumped together, the way he was trying so hard not to let go, he could’ve looked innocent. He swallowed the lump in his throat, gradually building his defences back up. He wasn’t supposed to care, how could tony hate someone who was trying so hard to care. Why couldn’t Steve just hate him?

“Well you know what? You’re-“ Tony’s shaky stubborn voice was cut off by the rooftop door swinging open. 

They both turned to look at it, both of their faces covered with rage and guilt and all of the above. It was Sam, he stared at both of them, like he didn’t know what to make of it. 

“Hey, Steve, I was just looking for you, everyone’s clearing out… I called us a cab?” 

Tony straightened himself out, rolling his shoulders, like he was getting back into character. “Well I suppose that’s my queue.” He walked around Steve, it had gotten cold, but he was focused on maintaining his stature so much that a shiver refused to go through him. “Good evening. Steve.” He nodded at the man, clearly disgruntled and trying to calm down, “Saul.” He nodded at his friend and retreated down the stairwell,

“Assho- it’s Sam!” He called after him, but he wasn’t listening.

Sam looked at Steve, who just shook his head.

-

Steve told Sam he would make his own way home, and sent Sam away in the cab on his home. He thought he’d walk, clear his head. Maybe he would lose his second job after tonight, that Tony would tell Howard that he disrespected him and then he would never have to see Tony again. He wouldn’t have to look at this scared, confused little boy who didn’t even know what he wanted himself. And to be honest, he didn’t know what he wanted either, his life wasn’t good before Tony came into it, but ever since he had, he didn’t think about Bucky as much, he didn’t feel so trapped, but he’d be lying if he said the kid wasn’t trouble. 

He lingered outside the event hall, watching women in gowns climb into cars he could only dream about driving, valets lining up to give bald rich schmucks their keys. It was mostly empty by then, watching the last few cars join the traffic. 

“Hey. You’re that army guy right? I saw you talking to Howard, even saw With that boy of his at some point.” An older man appeared beside him, he didn’t know why he was asking because he clearly already knew what he was talking about.

“That’d be me sir.” He pursed his lips together, not in the mood to chat.

The man chuckled, “Ha- ‘sir’, I always liked how you military folks acted. The way that everyone should be, respect and all that.” He just nodded back at the stranger, “You know, I get it, the Stark kid and everything.”

Steve squinted, he didn’t understand, until it occurred to him that it was the aged man he noticed getting awfully close to Tony earlier that evening, he didn’t like seeing it then, but he didn’t want to think about it, now, he was beginning to see he was right to be upset. “I don’t catch your meaning.” His irritation flared on his cheeks.

“Well, you know, we all try and have a little bit of something we can’t have, some of us are more successful than others clearly.” He was so matter of fact about it, all of a sudden he felt enraged. “I mean, I only wish I got the chance to-“ 

With a tight hand, Steve swung a clean fist into the mans jaw, realising he had let him say what he was going to say for long enough. There was a thud as he hit the concrete, he groaned as he writhed around. Steve wondered if he had hit him a little too hard as he walked away. Shaking out his hand and his reddening knuckles. Nope. That was just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick update because I’m gonna be pretty busy this week! Boy, this was long, thanks for all the support thus far, I’m loving writing this, so, thanks!


	11. I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I don't want to have to shout it out_  
>  I don't want my hair to fall out  
> I don't want to be filled with doubt  
> I don't want to be a good boy scout  
> I don't want to have to learn to count  
> I don't want to have the biggest amount  
> I don't want to grow up  
> ~The Ramones

The nights started to draw in later, the dewy spring afternoons leaving an orange glow on the stone pavings and the hardwood floor that lined the inside of the Stark mansion. Tony was in a slightly better mood this evening, Steve had been particularly quiet and his father wasn’t home. This was their first tutoring session since the charity ball, they sat indoors around the dining table, and Steve conveniently had so many other papers to grade while Tony completed his work that he didn’t have to try and make small talk. But Tony didn’t want to talk about it either way, better left swept under the rug like a crusty nail nobody wants to pick up or acknowledge, it’s better to just pretend it’s not there.

As soon as the ornate wall clock struck five thirty p.m, Steve began packing up his books, his eyes seemed to dart everywhere but Tony as he individually closed each one, slotting them into his bag in pairs, “I’ll see you Monday then?” He coughed into his fist after he spoke, grabbing his jacket as he stood. 

Tony rose with him, pulling down the long sleeves of his grey Black Sabbath shirt down to his wrists, “I think I’m ready for my exams. So, I won’t, you know, need you.” He slid some papers around the table with the tips of his fingers, watching them slip in and and underneath one another.

Like he thought, this finally caused the man to look at him. His pink lips parted in thought, narrowing his brows in his usual way, “Oh.” He suddenly shook his head, continuing to close his satchel, “If that’s what you think, then okay, I’ll have to talk to your dad about it of course.” 

“Yeah, well, if he’s here. Which might be never.” His lips curled into a smile but his eyes were dull, wrapping his arms around himself. He watched how Steve’s big hands threw his bag over his shoulder, despite how strong they looked, veins popping out of his skin he moved around so thoughtfully, like he didn’t want his bag to knock into anything, or he didn’t want his chair to make a sound as he pushed it back into place under the table. 

Steve just nodded, frank and short. And began heading for the door, “Monday, then?”

“Monday.” Tony smiled at the back of his head, following him slowly to the door.

-

Tony’s hand was sprawled out on Natasha’s thigh over her thick black tights, she barely had to convince him twice, dragging the brush of dark navy paint across his nails. His knees touched hers, both cross legged on his bedroom floor, Rhodey was sifting through his vinyl collection, stopping on an album by The Police, and then sitting beside Pepper on Tony’s bed, keeping a reasonable distance. 

“See, I told you he has a crush on Sting.” Tony mock whispered into Natasha’s ear, causing her to grin and miss his nail, painting his cuticles blue which she then aggressively corrected with the tip of her finger. 

He heard his friend tutting defensively on the bed behind him, “Yeah well you look like Lou Reed with all that crap on.” Rhodey muttered and gently kicked the back of Tony’s shoulder, provoking agitated shrieks from both him and Natasha.

“You’re gonna ruin it! Also I take that as a compliment.” He said pointedly and passed her his other hand, admiring his left one.

“Can you both just make out already so me and Nat can leave?” Pepper voiced, her legs folded over one another, hanging off the side of the bed, long and sleek. Sitting upright, Tony often imagined a book atop of her strawberry blonde head.

“I would, but he’s saving himself for marriage.” Giving his friend a longing glance, which resulted in him receiving an eye roll. The last time Tony had properly been able to hang out with his friends was the night he got arrested, which was also the last party he had been too since then. He had been invited out and been tempted by some glamorous parties upstate, supermodels and actors or the occasional frat party. But he didn’t often partake, a bunch of ‘roid monkeys combined with coke and their odd respect for their fathers made him uncomfortable, although he always thought he could talk to anyone. 

“Man shut up.” He sneered, Pepper chuckled with her lips still tightly closed together. Tony smiled, tilting his head back and watching Rhodey sip at his beer, “What’re you looking at?” 

“Beer me.” He nodded in the direction of the case sitting on his bedside table.

“You cant get it yourself?” 

“I’m currently indisposed.” He tried to wave his hand in his friends face but Natasha pulled it back down to her thigh so she could continue painting.

He tutted once again, mumbling, “Yeah I was indisposed with your mom last night.” reaching over and grabbing a beer, removing the cap for him with a click, and a fizz, placing it on the floor beside Tony’s knee, his jeans had a slight wear in them, a small hole in his thigh. “There you go, your highness.” 

“You two are like an old married couple.” Pepper sighed, she had brought her own drink, something red and bubbly, she rolled her eyes into it like it wasn’t the fiftieth time already this evening something had provoked that reaction from her.

“Maybe its time you find someone to couple up with, you’re gonna be a lonely old cat lady.” Tony looked at his beer when he said it but he could just imagine the face Pepper was making behind his back. 

“I- ugh!” He picked up his lukewarm bottle with his free hand, turning to her, amused. “I hate this idea I have to like, find a guy or something when I’m perfectly fine on my own.” 

“Amen.” Natasha murmured under her breath, twisting the cap back onto the nail polish bottle and replacing it with a beer. She then muttered something to Tony not to touch anything until they dry, as if he was going to be allowed to keep it on for longer than this night. He had the curtains drawn in his room, he’d hung strips of multicoloured lights across the ceiling which pulsed, giving life to his bedroom that was just too neat and decorated for a teenage boy. Nights like these, dimly lit, music filling the room, with people he actually was able to class as friends, that he cared about and hoped cared about him too, made him feel a little bit normal.

Tony stood up, stretching his bag and shaking out his legs, God, he felt like an old man. He enjoyed talking with them all, laughing with them, again mocking Rhodey for his taste in music as _Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic_ played through the room. Pepper didn’t often hang out with them but she had been on Natasha’s side more than usual, at school, on the field behind the gate where they would all smoke, she wouldn’t. They were an odd pairing, The taller of the two seemed too uptight, polished, Nat liked shady parties and weird older dudes with tattoos and mommy issues. He thought Natasha might find her assertiveness if not bossiness endearing, admittedly he did too.

He had gotten lost in thought and realised he had already finished his drink, it was his third of the night already. It hadn’t had an effect on him yet. 

“Hey!” He had been changing over the record on the vinyl player, _Tears for Fears_  
,when he had glanced over at his empty beer and formed a terrible awful idea. “We should play spin the bottle.” 

They collectively groaned, “That’s not gonna work with just the four of us.” Rhodey leaned back on Tony’s bed, holding a new beer above his stomach.

“Beside that, we can’t play games. We always fight or get distracted and they never last more than five minutes.” Nat crossed her arms, Pepper passed her a glance, and all of a sudden her red painted lips parted, and she shrugged, causing her hair to fall down her back. “I mean, I’m down for anything.” 

“I know someone else who never lasts more than five minutes.” Tony snorted and nodded in Rhodey direction before sitting cross legged on his carpet. Pepper laughed this time but it might have just been because she had already drank about half of her wine.

“Why am I even friends with you?” They all sat down on the floor in a tight circle, Pepper in her flare bottom jeans tucked her knees under her sharp chin, hair tucked behind her ears. Tony placed the bottle in between them all, on its side, he put a coaster beneath it so it would turn easier on the carpet and got himself another drink.

After some debating and arguing about the game itself, the rules, until Rhodey reluctantly decided to stop the bickering and spun the bottle himself. They all watched it spin in circles, threatening to wobble off of the coaster, clutching their drinks like they were all anxious about something. It whistled as it slowed down. 

It came to a stop, the rim pointing at Natasha’s foot. She said nothing and almost smirked at him, watching the usually confident boy become increasingly uncomfortable. He settled for a kiss on her cheek. Pepper and Tony both awed sarcastically together, both breaking out into tipsy giggles once they realised. 

After calming down they decided to spin again, Tony continued to drink and moved his head along with it as he watched it spin circles. It was Nats turn, and the bottle had abruptly landed on Pepper, who stubbornly tried to mask the redness in her cheeks when the petite red head curved her lips in her direction and Tony and Rhodey passed each other suggestive glances. 

They kissed, for a little longer than people playing the game usually would, but it was gentle, Tony felt bad looking, like he had walked in on something private although they were all playing together, he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He noticed how Pepper dragged her finger behind her ear to pull her hair behind it although it was already neatly draped down her slender back. As Natasha pulled away she laughed a little, rubbing her lips together in thought. 

Things suddenly became very quiet, it made Tony feel unnerved so without thinking he spun the bottle, and things became increasingly slow, blurry almost, that he didn’t notice the pairs of eyes on him as the bottle landed on a disgruntled and uncomfortable looking Rhodey. The music seemed to drown out the silence as they tried not to look at each other, but not enough to stop Tony forming a crooked grin and matching laugh when he was nervous. Both of them were about to speak at the same time until they were cut off by a louder, slurries voice from the slim ginger girl across from them,

“Hey! I want pizza! Let’s order a pizza!” Pepper sounded as if she was drunk with a hint of daycare assistant trying to distract the children from pulling each other’s hair out, and Tony was thankful for it, he knew James was too. 

“Great idea!” Boomed Tony suddenly, rising to his feet and swiftly finishing his beer making his head vibrate. “I’m thinking Don’s.” 

“No way!” Ah, Great, this is the first time Pepper would witness a classic group shouting match where they all drink too much and then decide it’s a competition between who can be the loudest or more aggressive. Natasha had decided to join in. “Leo’s is the ONLY pizza place worth ordering from! I’m not eating that watery crap from Don’s!” She curved her eyebrows inwards, crossing her arms petulantly.

“Yeah man, Don’s is the worst.” Rhodey nodded his head and placed himself on a velvet blue chair in the corner of his room. 

“Don’s isn’t that bad…” Pepper shrugged her shoulders, causing Nat and Rhodey to scoff in disbelief. She glared at both of them, obviously not understanding what the big deal was.

“Thank you, Pepper!” Tony waved his hands around as the alcohol rushed to his head and to his stomach. “Finally someone with some sense around here.” He wandered around in circles, finding himself with another beer in his hand, dangling his phone by the chord and waving it in Natasha’s face, “If you hate Don’s so much why don’t you tell em?” It was stupid, childish, but she wasn’t one to refuse a challenge or a bet, she would rather make a fool out of herself than have Tony make a fool out of her, she wasn’t a sore loser but there was that one time she twisted Rhode’s wrist after he laughed at her for missing every pin the first and last time they all went bowling together. 

She snatched the phone from his hands like she was going to tear the chord in half. Locating the pizza places number from a pile of menus on Tony’s bedside table. All watching her tentatively as it rang. She shook her head in irritation, he couldn’t imagine what Pepper must be thinking of all of them right now. Not a lot of people got to see them like this, when they weren’t ignoring others while they smoked or while tony was chatting up seniors in the hallways and Natasha wasn’t death staring any other male (apart from Clint) who came within five inches of them all. 

It buzzed. “Hi I’d like to order a pizza…” She squinted around the room. “Thanks it’s a ‘fuck you DON if that’s even your real name, your pizza is GARBAGE and your delivery driver ‘Jake’ or whatever isn’t even that cute!” She slammed the phone back down. 

_”Who’s Jake?”_ Tony whispered to Pepper.

 _”I don’t know. It’s probably best not to go there.”_ She said it like it was obvious.

Tony ended up clapping, tapping his fingers along his palm. “That was great, now we can never order from there ever again.” 

She glared at him. 

“We should call someone else next.” Pepper bit her lip like she was suggesting something scandalous.

“I know just the guy.” Natasha fumbled around until she found a pen and some paper, she wrote down a number and shoved it in peppers lap. “It’s Clint. You should call him and pretend to be Tiffany Washington, he’s crushing on her I know it.” They both laughed, Pepper unconvincingly shouting that she would feel bad about it.

“Nah that’s too far.” But even Rhodey who was often the voice of reason was laughing in between words at the thought. Tony of course, egging them all on. They went back and forth toying with the prank for at least a songs length until Pepper finally worked up the courage and stifled her laughter so that she could make the call, her manicured fingers delicately pressing each number on the phone, they all had to stifle their laughs then as the phone was ringing. Tony tipping more of the warm liquid down his throat while no one was paying attention. 

“Hello?” She deepened her voice into the phone, blocking out the shrill undertones in her natural cadence. “…Hey its Tiffany, I was just wondering if you wanted to like, go out some time?” She giggled unnaturally and twirled a lock of her hair around her finger in a ditsy manner, which made Natasha choke laughs into her fist, smudging her lipstick slightly. He heard Rhodey do the same, muttering different versions of _’this is so bad._ and _’we are going to hell for this._

“Great! He-he I’ll see you then.” She then quickly hung up the phone, burying her face in her hands, “I feel terrible!”

They finally let their laughter free, “He ditched us for some jock losers, so, frankly, I don’t feel bad at all.” Tony smiled, which was enough to convince them and let them laugh a little more without guilt. 

“Oh! I know who we can call next.” Tony hastily pulled out his pocket book, flipping to a page. In curiosity Rhodey had wandered back over to them, looking over Tony’s shoulder as he copied the number from his scribbled handwriting. 

“No way man you can’t prank call your teacher.” 

However, Tony, now drunk, with all sense of reason stunted and replaces by his feelings of anger, confusion and the like decided it was the best idea in the entire world.

“He won’t know its m-“ He had to stop himself after the man on the other side picked up almost immediately. He was quiet, thinking of what to say.

“Hello? Hello?” Steve’s tired voice echoed down the phone.

“Hey! Beef jerky! What’s it like being a big giant muscle turkey all the time?” Natasha inwardly laughed as Tony’s progressively slurry and jumbled speech. He just hoped they were all too drunk not to take too much notice.

“…Tony?” He said it in such a familiar way that it made him sick, as if he had already come up with a lecture in his head about him drinking and he now wished that one of them would hang up, unfortunately, Tony was on a warpath, a fumbling, messy warpath.

“Pfft. Maybe.” He dragged out the words, uttering them childishly.

“Let me guess, you’ve been drinking?” He wasn’t condescending at all, it was just the way he _knew_ , he knew everything. 

“Oh gee, the smarty smart guy has figured it out. You know it’s such a cliché to be smart and handsome? I would know. But then you’ve gotta be all strong on top of it? Yeesh!” 

There was silence on the other end.

“Oh, and another thing! You can do art too? Nice drawing of me by the way! Hey, why’d you do that? Am I like your muse or something?”

“Tony maybe you sho-“

“No! Stop telling me what I ‘should’ do, you’re just like everyone else! Except you’re not are you? You like, draw pictures of me and stuff and you’re super nice even though you’re a total dick about it, and no matter how hard I try and hate you, you’re just so… so…” He faltered, staring down at the numbers which blurred in front of him. “But now, I hate fighting with you. Before I wanted to so badly because you’re just like this perfect soldier and you get on my nerves but… _God_ I hate you.” He let it out with a forced sigh, running his free hand over his face. “I’m gonna go, so um, yeah.” He didn’t want to hear him speak, in fear of what he might say, dropping the phone, the click it made as it slotted back into place was painful. 

Only then had he remembered the shocked slash uncomfortable eyes on him in the room, each pair holding a million questions and not enough courage to ask them.

“So…” he filled his cheeks with a wide, toothless grin. “Pizza?”


	12. When You’re Near Me I Have Difficulty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _I used to be an iceman_  
>  Living in iceman town  
> So I'm warning all you cool cool icemen  
> You'd better be prepared to be melted right down  
> down”  
> ~XTC

Quiet chatter filled the class, the English teacher was writing something way too long on the chalkboard, thankfully listening to his classmates mindless chatter drowned out the sound of scraping chalk noting down the definition of a metaphor for the fifty billionth time. As if there weren’t cheesy bright coloured posters some students five years ago made with all the definitions of every literary technique in alphabetical order. _Alliteration, Allusion, Colloquialism, Epigraph._

They had been reading ‘ _A Streetcar Named Desire_ ‘ when someone asked a vague question about why Blanche puts shades over all the lamps, as if they weren’t toward the end of the play and that question hadn’t been asked fifty billion times. He’d been given the part of Blanche, earning some laughs from those around him but he didn’t mind. Some kid named Tom who was covered in acne which covered his freckles matching his scraggly red hair had been asked to read out Stanley’s part, but he was no Marlon Brando. 

“Tony? Would you like to continue?” Ms. Watts spoke loudly from the front of the class, dropping the chalk on her desk and placing a hand on her hip. She always dressed in purple, or variations of it, today she wore a lavender pencil skirt that failed to compliment her wide hips. 

With a nod, he sat back in the uncomfortable chair, “Of course, I would love that.” He picked up the flimsy book with an over-exaggerated ‘Ahem’ which made the brunette next to him giggle. “Yes, it will do! I’m anxious to get out of here – This place is a trap!” He read in his own voice, he considered doing a southern accent but this wasn’t drama class and he didn’t care enough. 

_”What a pretty blue jacket. _- _”It’s lilac coloured._ A boy and a girl read the parts of Stella and Eunice in droll, bores voices. __

__“You’re both mistaken.” Tony chimed, “It’s Della Robbia blue. The blue of the robe in the old Madonna pictures. Are these grapes washed?”_ _

__He liked the movie, but he always felt reading the origin of movies made him hate them. He especially loved Blanche, he didn’t know why, she had the elegance of his mother and the movements of a scared cat, but it definitely was not his portrayal of her. Whenever teachers made the class read out a play it just sounded like someone was playing the same note on a piano over and over again until everyone got to leave and they smashed every key. He thought it was pointless but it was a decent waste of time._ _

__They read through their lines relatively quickly, all pausing a little before each line as they realised it was their turn. He done it more than once but his mind was elsewhere. He thought about Marlon Brando, and his father talking about the one time he met Brando at a party when they watched the movie in the living room. But they weren’t really watching it together, Tony was watching it because he loved the movie star, at the time he was too young to know exactly _why_ , and Howard mentioned it at as he was passing through before he went back to his office. And then he thought about the scene where Brando took off shit shirt to reveal the almost skin tight white tee hugging his large muscular frame, which made him think of Steve. Which made him remember again that it was Monday. He got so wrapped up in his thoughts he hadn’t realised he had a whole monologue to read aloud._ _

__He muttered a thoughtless apology, moving the book closer to his face so he would focus more on the words. “I can smell the sea air. The rest of my time I’m going to spend on the sea. And when I die, I’m going to die on the sea. You know what I shall die of? I shall die of eating an unwashed grape one day out on the ocean. I will die – with my hand in the hand in the hand of some nice looking ship’s doctor, a very young one with a small blonde moustache and a big silver watch.” He dreaded this evening, Steve hadn’t told his parents about the phone call, or the argument, and he didn’t know if he was thankful or annoyed about that. Maybe he would cancel, or tell his parents tonight, and they would give up and leave him alone with his robots forever. “That unwashed grape has transported her soul to heaven, and I’ll be buried at sea sewn up in a clean white sack, and dropped overboard – at noon – in the blaze of summer – and into as ocean as blue as my first lovers eyes.”_ _

__The boy reading Eunice had begun speaking just as the bell rang, provoking grateful sighs from everyone as they quickly packed away their texts. The teacher tried to say well done and bye to the class but retired to cleaning the chalk board when no one responded._ _

__As he was leaving she jumped in remembrance, releasing an eccentric, “Oh! Tony!” He turned and smiled. “First of all, great job today. Also, Mr Webb wanted to speak to you, I know it’s lunch but he told me it wouldn’t be long.”_ _

__Part of him got excited, maybe his history teacher would tell him he was back up to A grades and then he wouldn’t need to be tutored anymore, and focus on more important things like boys and upgrading his machines. “Thank you Ms. I’ll go, a life on the stage awaits.” She grinned as he turned on his heels out the door, and up the corridor._ _

__He made his way through the hall which was now filled with students and their expensive briefcases, making sure he didn’t get wrapped up in any conversations with any bright eyed blondes twirling their hair around their finger._ _

__Tony barely knocked on the classroom door, opening it without being told to enter because he hated that._ _

__“Tony, come in, it’ll only be a sec.” He made himself comfortable, sitting on a desk opposite his teachers. “I know you’re getting extra help outside of class now, which is great. You have been improving.” Tony relief showed on his face. “But you’re still not at the level I expect you to be.” Too soon. “Look, I understand you have other commitments outside of this school, I know you don’t care about doing high school essay subjects when you’re already part-time at MIT. But you’re here for a reason. So, step it up.” The man didn’t give him a moment to talk but he didn’t want to, reorganising his bag on his uniformed shoulder, and leaving with a brief, _”Got it.”_ He met with Rhodey and Clint, begrudgingly going through his day and dreading the evening._ _

__-_ _

__Steve arrived early. He had thought about pretending he was sick so he wouldn’t have to see Tony. He had ignored the fight, that was easy enough, but Tony had gone out of his way to confront him, embarrass him? He didn’t know what his plan was but it didn’t sit right with him. He felt exposed, like a pervert._ _

__Jarvis let him in, no Tony. His mother was sat at the table around some documents, there was an open chair beside her that he must have been sat in._ _

__“Steve!” She looked at the ornate grandfather clock, “You’re early, that’s fine, he’s down by the lake. I’ll have Jarvis walk you.”_ _

__“I’m sure I can find it, thanks Maria.” Passing her a reaffirming smile._ _

__“If you insist, there’s a path outside, it’s quite small.” She muttered something about shrubbery and how it was too cold for Tony to be down there as he stepped outside, walking down the paved pathway as it turned into some loose stones and eventually dirt. It took him down a cosy little nook hidden in the crook of the estate. He wondered why they hadn’t gotten rid of it, maybe Tony liked it too much? Dark green leaves hung over an oval pond, rimmed with moss and flowers that had barely begun to bloom._ _

__As he walked further, he saw him. The dirt quietened his footsteps as he approached the cove, light shimmered through the trees onto the water and onto his smooth olive skinned back. The boy sat on the edge of the water, he was only wearing shorts, tentatively dipping his toes into the water. His reflection looked back up at him, soft, brown curls hanging over his head. Something about him looked so serene, and he knew his presence would ruin it, one of the only times the boy wasn’t fixing something, writing, talking, moving, it was all too good to be true, like he had planned this._ _

__“Hi… Tony.” He finally spoke, interrupting the peaceful silence and the distant sound of reeds brushing against each other._ _

__The boy turned his head to the side, but he didn’t move. “Howdy. You’re early.” There was a slight tinge of resentment in his voice._ _

__“Yeah…” he cleared his throat, tilting his head back and forth uncomfortably. “I spoke to your mom the other night-“_ _

__“Oh, she mad? Am I in trouble?” He finally turned to look at him, exposing his golden collarbones to the man and his nonplussed expression._ _

__He wasn’t a shy or anxious man at all, he often felt confident in most situations, but he felt his breath hitch in his throat. When you’re on the field, you’re taught to predict you’re enemies next move, in a fight, you need to be able react to you’re opponents body movements to protect yourself, he couldn’t do that with Tony. He was vulnerable, in a joust without a shield. The argument was just a punch in his defences, the phone call threw him off. “What? No, I actually spoke to her about arranging a trip to the museum. Expand your… knowledge, and what not.”_ _

__Tony blinked, his eyes were chocolate in the warm light, sparkles across his chest. “Neat.” He smiled dryly, it was sedative, “It’s a date.” He turned his head back to the water, slipping his foot into the water a little deeper, it wasn’t clear, definitely not blue, more like a pale, old apple colour._ _

__Quickly he had to think of what to say, his reflexes were way way down, he couldn’t let his guard down, not right now._ _

__“Actually, I think we should talk about the elephant in the room. Or, pond.” He laughed a little awkwardly, coughing and reverting back to his serious expression. With that, Tony rose to his feet, lifting his leg gently and stepping into the water submerging himself into the moss pend._ _

__“Talk? I think I’ve still got about twenty minutes there Cap. Talk? Talk about what?” He fully sunk into the water, his head dipping above and turning to look at him with a curvaceous smirk across his lips that looked especially red._ _

__He sighed, his shoulders bobbed up and down, water slipping down the pale bumps. “Tony, come on. I didn’t wanna talk to your parents about this…” Maybe he would let excuses pour out of his mouth, and pretend it was all some tedious issue. “You’re an adult.” He treaded carefully towards the pond, folding his arms in and out of each other as the boy watched him with cautious and cocky eyes._ _

__“Sorry, I can only talk to people in the water.” His tongue was sharp although his smile and his big eyes were soft._ _

__“I’m not getting in there. You’re trying to distract me.” It was working, he couldn’t help but look. “You know you have a pool? It’s not cold in there?”_ _

__“Here why don’t you find out-“ he smacked his hand forward, splashing some water towards him, spraying across where he once was sat and over the mans shoes. He snorted and smiled playfully, watching Steve retort a little._ _

__He didn’t want to point his finger, but he was tempted. In more ways than one. “Knock it off.” He splashed him again. “Tony.” He warned. Realising he was getting nowhere, and that he wasn’t going to run away from these problems forever, with a submissive groan he dipped the tip of his foot in the water and with a gentle kick, splashed a little bit of water back at the boy. “We need to talk.” He couldn’t help but smile._ _

__Tony let out a dramatic, fake gasp. “I’m telling my mom!” Steve’s smile faded, looking at the boy who was treading the not very deep water with a pleasing expression, sharing with him some vulnerability in an effort to get him to do the same. He was sick of Tony pretending to be light, and that he didn’t care, he was sick of being his opponent._ _

__The boy swam back to edge, pulling himself up and standing on hid feet that squelched in the dirt, mud slipping between his toes._ _

__“There’s nothing to talk about.” He said bluntly, “I was drunk. I called a lot of people, you just happened to be one of them. It was just a…” He waved his damp hand in the air, droplets flicking off of his finger drawing Steve’s attention to his glazed chest and stomach. Quickly looking away. “Stupid prank call with friends, you know, teen stuff.” An apathetic shrug and a smirk which was only met by Steve’s straight brows._ _

__“I don’t think that was it. I think you have a lot on your chest you wanna tell me, and drinking just gave you an excuse to let it out. You think I don’t see it, I do, you like to think you’ve got this big brick wall in front you but, I can see through you Tony, like glass, or water.”_ _

__“Nice analogy Dickins.”_ _

__“Yeah? I thought I was Uh… what’d you call me? Beef Jerky?” He allowed a smirk to pass across his stone face._ _

__The boy grinned and looked at the floor, tapping his foot on the mud, “And muscle turkey…”_ _

__“Ouch.”_ _

__Somehow the silence between them has begun to feel comfortable. They had spent so many evenings in silence, talking with glares and smirks that it became familiar. It was their own language. Steve hoped nobody else understood it too, what was that? Jealousy?_ _

__“Im sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I draw… everything. It’s just something I do.”  
“Okay… that’s a load of crap but okay.” He finally spoke, he had been contemplating for a while, so Steve let him talk like he always did. “Like you said, I’m an adult right? Or so you say. It’s fine, I like it.” His wide brown eyes locked onto his, “it’s kinda cool actually.”_ _

__Steve didn’t want to look anywhere else, he felt like he couldn’t, he felt like he was out in the open, exposed in the middle of gunfire with no armour, no cover._ _

__“Anyway I’m sorry I called you a muscle turkey. That was out of line.” Sarcasm dripped off of him like the water running down his pale limbs. He bent down and picked up his watch from the ground, brushing some dirt off of the silver, he was lucky he didn’t step on it, it probably, cost more than his important. “Hm. Ten minutes. Anything else you wanna ‘talk’ about?”_ _

__The hair on the back of his neck was wet, it had grazed the water although a chocolate curl fell over his head, if he let his hair grow any longer it probably wouldn’t stand up right and would fall into his eyes. His hands, wet and small were covered in small burns and some scrapes, he assumed it was from engineering, crafting, but the rest of him was smooth like porcelain, he wasn’t particularly muscular but like he was in good shape. Usually stood with his back straight, but his toes sinking into the mud left him unbalanced. Oh? Was there anything he wanted to talk about?_ _

__A lot of things. “No. It’s fine.”_ _

__The boys raised brow and curved smirk showed that he wasn’t convinced. “Listen…” he crossed his arms, releasing a frustrated huff. “I don’t hate you.” Steve squinted. “I hate that I don’t hate you.” His tone was frank, then suddenly the expression upon his face changed, like he had been a little too frank for comfort. He turned suddenly, looking at Steve over his shoulder with a mischievous grin. “You comin’?”_ _

__He felt the air sucked out of his lungs, he didn’t know what to make of their situation, if he could call it that, when they first met, the boy had some personal vendetta against him, a spoilt kid with too much time and too many issues and now, he could see this smart, lovely and vulnerable person, who talked with his smile on the rare occasion he didn’t wanna talk, and had gotten to the point where he would share little fragments of his real thoughts or feelings, and then it would be gone in a flash, just giving you a taste before he snatched it right from your mouth._ _

__“No, no. You know I can’t do that.”_ _

__He shrugged and started walking around the pond, “Your loss, I got five minut-“_ _

__He stopped in his tracks, a shrub shielded Steve’s view of his legs, which became rigid, as well as the rest of his body. He started muttering to himself, bending down, Steve could hear him wincing as he fiddled with something he couldn’t see. Curiously, with confusion across his face, Steve began to walk around, “You okay over there?”_ _

__“Yeah – I’m – fine, just – stay over there.”_ _

__Ignoring him, he walked around the pond, and the unkept flowers around it, behind the yellow plant he saw a spiny branch with multiple sharp sticks poking out of each side, almost wrapped around his dainty white calf. A branch had dug into his skin, creating a nasty red wound on his leg, with each attempt to pull it out he was making the wound worse. Steve could hear him stifling painful noises as he chewed on his lower lip._ _

__He instinctively kneeled down despite Tony’s stubborn protests through some breathy noises. “I can do it – Ah – it’s fine honestly. I don’t need-“ he choked on a sob as Steve began to pull out the branch, his hands wrapped firmly on the boys calf to apply pressure._ _

__“You’re alright…” Steve mumbled to him, giving him a gentle pat behind his calf to try and calm him down. Tony was trying to act like he was fine, like always, looking down at Steve attempting to mend the wound with wide, red eyes, and Steve ignored all of his feeble attempts to shrug him away as it would cause him more pain, and all the quiet and desperate; ‘leave me alones’ and ‘I’m fine, it’s just a scratch’s’._ _

__Once he had removed it, he gently adjusted the boy against a thick tree. Looking up at him finally, he tried to give him a comforting smile. Which was quickly rejected by Tony’s scrunched up nose. “Listen, Rogers, I don’t need your help, I’m fine, it doesn’t even hurt.”_ _

__“I believe you, I just need to stop the bleeding before I take you up.” He grinned, he looked around and cursed under his breath that he hadn’t brought his jacket. Red trickled down towards his ankle, and he didn’t want it to get worse._ _

__He tore off the the end of his white sleeve, tugging on it enough to make a clean rip, exposing the rest of his arm. Tony stared at him in silence, watching the man tie the white cloth around his leg, the muscles in his now bare arm rippling as he did._ _

__Tony was still staring at Steve once he stood to meet his gaze, blinking, his bare back against the tree. “Th-that was unnecessary.” He said pointedly._ _

__“I’ll get you a bandage when we get back to the house, can you walk?”_ _

__“Pfft. Can I walk? What a stupid question, you know- you need to quit –“ he lifted a foot, and then tried to step on his wounded leg, wobbling. With two big hands Steve firmly grasped his shoulders._ _

__“Wanna try that again Tiger?” The corner of his mouth turned up, glancing down at Tony’s begrudged features._ _

__“I can walk to my house. Thank you very much. Also don’t call me that. Also I don’t need your help.” Another fragile attempt at walking and he let out an audible pained groan, his leg was too painful to stand on right now, even he should know that._ _

__Steve sighed. “Okay, you’re not doing this all day. Come on.” With a singular movement, Steve wrapped his arm around the boys damp torso, hulking him over his shoulder._ _

__“Whaaaaat are you doing?!” Tony gasped and gripped onto the back of Steve’s shirt in a sudden shock. “Put me down now. I’m fine, oh my god, I’m going to kill you.”_ _

__“You’ll thank me later.” His arm was strong around his waist, but he wouldn’t hold him too tightly. A part of him knew he could just lean on him, the boys arm draped over him like a wounded soldier, but a part of him enjoyed this. He didn’t know whether it was because Tony’s squirmy frame fit on his shoulder like a pillow or that was his way of asserting to Tony that – Hey – quit messing with me._ _

__He hauled up the small hill, and across the lawn. He kicked at his chest in childish stubbornness. “Rogers, I swear to god, you are going to pay for this, seriously.” He rambled. “You can’t just-“ Steve sweared he heard Tony laugh. “Put me down!”  
He set him down on a lawn chair outside, where he could finally see Tony’s reddened cheeks. _ _

__“Okay, I’m just gonna run in and-“ a small pair of hands wrapped around his bicep, thread from his ripped sleeve hanging over his fingers, he could see a faint bruise on his wrist. A pair of pleading eyes and a weak smile looking up at him._ _

__“I’m okay, don’t tell my mom. I don’t want my dad to know.”_ _

__He felt his stomach jump, looking at his eyes. He knew not to press, he just knew, peeling Tony’s hands off his arm and letting his hand fall onto his lap softly. “Wheres your first aid kit?”_ _

__“Bathroom cabinet. First bathroom, the one by the front door, not the other one.”_ _

__He nodded firmly. Tony trusted him, he now realised. And no matter how much he tried to reject his help and stubbornly act as if he needed no one but his brain, he felt an instinctive, primal urge to… protect him. He told himself that he was doing his duty as a soldier. It was easy to try and believe that. The kid wanted to hate him, and it would be easier if he hated him too, they could fight, and battle each others egos in chaotic peace. But everything was just chaos even though no one was saying anything. Just looks and smirks._ _

__He fixed up his leg the best he could, avoiding Jarvis and Maria. Jarvis gave him suspicious glances but was quiet as always he often felt like the only person he spoke to in more than simple sentences was Tony._ _

__“You do this a lot? What am I saying, you’re good at everything.” He folded his arms petulantly, admiring slash hating the bandage over his leg._ _

__“I did this a lot. And I’ve given up trying to guess whether your ‘compliments’ are genuine.”_ _

__“Given up? I expected more from you Cap.”_ _

__“Was throwing you over my shoulder not enough?” He teased, a rare occurrence._ _

__“If you tell anyone about that. You’re dead.” Somehow his glare was not threatening or convincing, it was somehow a little bit… fond._ _

__“I’ll take your word for it big guy.”_ _

__“Hey. Steve.”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“Thank you.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heylo, thanks everyone for the support! I love reading comments and seeing all the Kudos pop up, I’m going away for a few days so I won’t have time to write but I’ll try and have the next chapter up ASAP <3


	13. Why Do You Feel So Down?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I've gone weak and I'm sick of speaking  
>  So hear me out you're the cure or something more  
> I think you're one of a kind so I'll never like myself  
> I think you're older and wiser so I won't let you tell  
> I think it over and over and hope you're thinking too  
> I think it over and over and hope I'm over you”_  
> ~Declan McKenna

Tony was attempting to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He didn’t particularly like them and thought it would be easier to just buy something while he was out. He was putting in more effort for this day trip than he had initially intended or wanted. 

“You are a culinary artist sir.” Jarvis examined the butter smeared across the granite kitchen top, and moved some jars around just to make it a little bit neater, but he knew Tony didn’t like people disrupting his ‘processes’. 

Purple jam spilled over the side of a sloppily cut slice of bread, in an attempt to cut the crusts he had ripped off most the side. When he tried to get a new one his mother nagged at him for wasting food, as if they were struggling and a slice of bread was their livelihood. Okay, maybe he had had a good five attempts before that, but with enough practice he could’ve been perfect, or maybe just better.

“I was gonna go for grilled cheese but I thought I’d class it up a bit.” He retorted, he tried to scoop out the peanut butter with the same knife he used for the jelly but Jarvis swiftly pulled it out of his grasp and replaced it with a clean one. 

“It’s not grilled if you use a microwave Tony.” His mother added as she passed through the kitchen. 

“That’s why I said I’d class it up a bit. Jeez.” 

She scanned the counter as she glided past, tutting. “You better clean this up before Steve gets here.”

“Why do you care so much about what he thinks, I mean, you know he’s met me, right?.” He slapped the two pieces of bread together with their different spreads of flavours, pushing them together firmly and pushing the mixture out the sides. To which his mother rolled her eyes again. 

“So you are aware of how you behave? Interesting.” 

“I’m not trying to impress anyone, of all people him. Besides we’re not gonna be here.”

“I just wished you’d be more considerate. It was his idea for you to go out on this trip and your father thinks it will be a good for you.”

“Well if _He_ thinks so then of course I should.” He muttered childishly as he cut the sandwich in half. “I’m surprised he didn’t try and take my place and go with him with the way he talks about him, but then he would actually have to be here.” 

“Enough.” She snapped, faltering and releasing a tired sigh. “Anyway I thought you were warming up to Steve.”

“Never.”

“Well it sure looked like it.”

“No.” 

The doorbell chimed through the house, Maria looked at the kitchen almost frantically, “That will be him, you clean this up and be civil.” Jarvis had gone away since their conversation but must have gone to answer the door.  
Steve entered, casually strolling through the wallpapered structures and sculptures until he reached the kitchen. There was a breakfast bar that separated the kitchen and the dining room, a large arched window where Steve looked through at Tony fumbling with utensils. 

He was dressed in a plaid green shirt, rolled up to his elbows, Tony interrupted his greeting by pointing his butter knife in his direction. “You want one of these for the road, because I’m about to put this away. Let me guess you have some kind of fatal peanut allergy or something, that would be hilarious.” He trailed off as he spoke, rambling to himself.

Steve did laugh, accepting his offer as Maria danced over to him, placing a hand on his arm as she spoke mindless small talk to him. Tony began to get out more slices of bread and began his process once again, tuning in and out of their conversation. Eventually, he overheard Jarvis come and quietly say something unintelligible which made him and his mother reside upstairs. 

Tony raised the knife again, the blade pointing towards the archway extending into the living. A plain white tee hung from a velvet hanger, “That’s for you by the way.” He gave it little thought, going right back to slathering spreads onto unbuttered slices of bread. 

“Oh- Tony, it’s fine.” Steve blinked in surprise.

“Nah, it was my fault anyway. And we couldn’t have you walking around like some sort of punk with one sleeve could we?” He carelessly smushed the opposing slices of bread together.

Steve had made his way into the kitchen, after feeling the material of the tee, it was a lot thicker and would probably be harder to tear. He didn’t really spare himself expensive clothing, he mostly dressed for practicality, but he thanked Tony anyway, surprised that he had thought about it. He leaned on the counter beside him with his arms crossed. “This the ‘mean’ sandwich you told me about?”

“I went for something other than cheese. If you don’t want it, I’ll eat it, I don’t care.” Tony shrugged as he packed them into separate brown paper bags. 

“My mom made me those when I was really little.” He smiled fondly.

“Hmm, I bet she still does.”

“Uh, she’s passed.”

Tony looked up, he had been dropping knives in the sink and putting lids back on jars, his eyes had that wide look he had when Steve talked about Bucky. “I’m sorry to hear that.” Tony quickly averted his eyes and packed the sandwich bags into a backpack. 

The man nodded. “So. You feeling good about today?” 

Tony jumped and perched himself on another counter, instead of cleaning the one he made the mess on. “Oh yeah, I’m super excited to go look at a bunch of stolen relics from their native countries and then give them a five dollar donation.” 

“Anthony don’t be a smart ass.” His mother chimed as she re entered the kitchen. 

He smirked and kicked his legs, glancing at Steve’s blank expression. “Fine. I’m kidding. It will be cool. Way better than an assignment.” 

“I’m ready when you are sir.” Jarvis stood straight, his hands folded together. Sometimes Tony hated being driven around by him, because he wasn’t just some servant or butler, he was his friend. The only person he really felt like had his back. 

Tony hopped off of the counter, flashing Steve with a smirk as he walked past, “Let’s go see some paintings.” He gave his mother a brief kiss on the cheek as he walked swiftly past, Steve followed in suit, also feeling uncomfortable with the idea of being chauffeured. 

“Have fun, both of you.” 

“Bye!” He shouted as the three of them left, Steve giving a weak wave.

Tony rambled in the car about how the bare white walls in museums gave him headaches and then he would need to wear his glasses which he hated. Things between them were unusually easy, after the last time they saw each other, Tony caught Steve glancing at him from across the back seat of the car more than once, his hands were sprawled across his knees, broad and slightly uneasy. 

It was a nice day, some clouds looming over the car as they drove. Tony wore a short sleeved shirt, buttons open exposing his pale neck, he was hopeful it would be a nice day. _nice_ , a nice day with Steve. Was it weird he was actually looking forward to doing something normal for once? A normal student goes the museum with his… tutor. Nice, and normal. Like a field trip except instead of your entire class it’s just you and instead of your teacher it’s some buff asshole who works for your dad. Except he’s not an asshole anymore, and you hate that he’s not an asshole and that you’re thankful the whole class isn’t there.

Yeah, totally normal. 

Jarvis dropped them off right outside, a wide pebble path led up to a large white building with stone columns and some overly edited posters hanging down them. Steve walked quietly with his hands in his pockets, “So… what do you wanna see first?”

“Brooke Shields in a bikini.” Tony slapped his fist against his open palm, Steve gave him an unimpressed glance as they began walking across the path. “Okay, I’m kidding. I didn’t realise I had a choice in the matter.” 

“Of course you do. You’re the reason I’m here.” He spoke casually, but as the words left his mouth he stared down at the grass lining the path. “I mean, this is all for your benefit. Not mine.” He seemed unsure of himself, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets.

“My benefit? Did you know I know every atomic number and electron configuration of every element on the periodic table?” 

“I didn’t actually.” The older man looked up, the corner of his mouth curving upwards. “Do you know which year Kennedy was assassinated?”

Tony squinted, annoyed that he had been questioned and more annoyed he didn’t know the answer. “I know where his space center is.”

Steve raised an eyebrow, “Yeah?”

“Yeah it’s in ‘stop asking me stupid questions’ ville.”

Steve shook his head with a brief chuckle, rolling his eyes as he did. “Sure. Not like it’s my job or anything.” 

Tony darted ahead of him, turning to face him and walking slowly backwards. Checking behind him occasionally so he didn’t trip. “No. Today your job is to go take me to look at some old crap. Let’s focus on that part.”

“Nicely put.” Steve said with a smile, walking around the boy to ascend up the marble staircase into the museum. He heard Tony quickly turn around to catch up to his side.  
The ceilings inside were high, the roof was covered in a detailed painting of cherubs draped in pearl or robes on a blue landscape of the sky, the floors were overly shiny, like they had been polished and steamed five times that day already to remove the dirt from peoples shoes and general grub from hordes of children on field trips. He saw couples slowly making their way around with interlocked arms, and his immediate instinct was to groan until he noticed a gold leaf archway which had a carved sign above it: ‘Natural Science Exhibit’. 

“I have an idea. Why don’t we skip all the boring history stuff and go look at something actually interesting.” He raised a finger toward the sign, leaning up against a glass cabinet with a small engraving that read _’don’t touch the glass’_ , Steve decided to let him, amused by the smirk across Tony’s face, he had just noticed that he had a dimple in the right side of his cheek, only occasionally making an appearance. 

“What do I teach you again?” Steve tilted his head to the side, his thumbs were hanging over his jean pockets. An elderly woman walked past and gave Tony a disapproving look which distracted him for a second. 

“Uhh, how to be an honourable U.S citizen, no wait I got it, how to always look like you massive stick up your butt.” He squinted, mimicking the soldiers expression, and stood upright, crossing his arms and jutting his chest out. “Am I- am I doing it right?” 

Steve stared, a mixture of irritation and amusement, he couldn’t help but let a shy smile creep onto his face, to which Tony broke his forced expression and grinned. When they first met, this probably would’ve been blatant disrespect, rebellion against his authority, now, with his big smile and bright brown eyes it was different. He was never conscious of it when he really smiled, he was so used to pretending, posing for the cameras, faking politeness to older executives that when he really, truly smiled, which only a select amount of people got to see, it was with his eyes. They crinkled as his mouth spread into a bright, toothy grin, it was so genuine he didn’t realise he was doing it, or why. He felt natural, teasing Steve, joking with him even if he didn’t find him particularly funny. It was just the way Steve’s slight smirk said _’Oh you little shit’_ in that fond way that many people couldn’t achieve. 

“Tony…” He stared at the boys lips, plump as they curved into a grin. Steve stifled a laugh, running his thumb against his own lip like he was hiding something. “Fine. Come on.” He turned as he spoke, leading the way.

Tony was slightly confused, firstly because he was trying to tease Steve, and irritate him, and he couldn’t tell if it worked. But he enjoyed it, he enjoyed it nonetheless. “You won’t regret this, actually you might.” Tony caught up to his side once again, hating the feeling that he was behind someone following orders, but with Steve he didn’t feel like he had to walk ahead, he didn’t want to.

Tony strode around the exhibits, bending down to stare at sculptures and structures behind glass. He mumbled things to himself that Steve didn’t try and understand but he listened anyway. At one point Tony got out his glasses, they were slightly rounded and a dark shade of brown with thin rims, he didn’t say anything, hoping Steve wouldn’t notice or make a comment which would make him angry. Steve did make a comment, to which Tony snarkily replied, “Yeah, they’re for fashion, obviously.” 

Steve resorted to quietly watching Tony looking at fossils and machines. He was completely wrapped up in his own head, the same way he was when he was in the lab, focused, thinking. He was looking at some model of an atomic bomb, Steve assumed he was reading the text beneath it. “Did you know that no element heavier than iron can be produced in the stars?”

Steve just blinked as Tony stood upright to look at him. “Does it say that on the thing?”

“No. Just thought of it.” He carried on walking, and Steve felt inclined to follow him. “Actually, uh, they think that all the heavy elements are made in explosions, in space.” 

“I didn’t know that.” He glanced around. “You know a lot about space?”

“It’s just physics. Nuclear psychics actually.” He shrugged and looked around thoughtfully in a way that made Steve smile. Tony didn’t realise how endearing he was when he wasn’t trying to be endearing to everybody around him. 

“That what you wanna do? Space stuff and all that?”

Tony snorted. “What _I_ wanna do? I’m the heir to Stark Industries, no, that is what I’ll be.” 

“You interested in weapons?” 

“I know about them. Sure. I know about everything.” Tony fiddled with the frame of his glasses in annoyance as he spoke. 

“I thought you liked robots? You could put robots in space.” 

“They’ve already done that.” Tony muttered, he was reading from a golden carved slab and then paused. Turning back to look at Steve. “I’m lucky. I don’t have to worry about who I want to be because that’s already been decided for me. I’m Howard Starks son. That’s it.” 

“You’re not just Howard Starks son, Tony. You’re…” He trailed off in thought, captured in his stare.

“What?” 

Just as Steve began to speak again, a loud tour guide swung around the corner with a small group following behind him. Obviously tourists, dressed like they wanted to get robbed their first time in New York. Tony passed Steve a glance, and the pair waited for the group to pass them before he tagged along to the back, Steve following with a reluctant sigh. 

The man leading the tour was an older man, skinny with hair receding all the way down the back of his head. Wearing a blue uniform blazer not too unlike the one he wore for school, his voice was booming but monotonous and droll at the same time. Tony joined the group to get out of his conversation, but he could barely pay attention to what the man was saying as his eyes were focused on the bushy squirrel eyebrows stuck to the mans face.

Tony elbowed the crook of Steve’s arm and nodded his head towards the boring tour guide, and Steve raised a curious eyebrow. When the man turned his back, Tony raised his hands, pressing the back of them against his brows and wiggling his fingers. 

Steve made a face of slight panic, whispering at him, _”Knock it off.”_. Tony lowered his hands, smirking over at Steve which caused him to stifle a laugh. The man turned around and then Steve noticed it, the eyebrows. Tony pretended to listen, smirking, a small giggle escaping from his lips, contagiously passing onto Steve.

An older mousey haired woman in front of them turned her head, giving them _both_ disapproving looks. Steve placed a fist in front of his mouth and cleared his throat, forcing his twisted face back into its natural stern expression. 

“If you’re not gonna listen then we should go.” 

“Fine.” Tony whispered to Steve as they turned back around, “But I really think we should save that animal on that mans face.” 

“You need to stop.” 

“I support animal rights and what that man was doing was cruel.”

Steve smiled and ran a hand across his eyes. “You’re right. Maybe we should go back.”

“Are you serious?”

“No. You’re crazy” 

“You have a lot of audacity callin me crazy.” 

They shared a knowing smile, holding their glances for a little too long. Tony looked away. Steve stared at him for a short while, thoughtful, they made their way into the war exhibit. 

“So…” Steve started which caused Tony to raise an eyebrow at him. “You and Jarvis are close huh?” 

“Hmm? I suppose, why’d you ask?” Tony crossed his arms, scanning a glass case full of old medals. 

“Just wondering. Most high society folks treat their butlers like uh…”

“The help? Is that what you’re gonna say?” Steve shook his head, “He’s kinda like my dad. Oh, should I say that? I probably shouldn’t, Oh well.” He threw his hands up in the air like he was slapping away the words slipping out of his mouth, failing, Steve let him ramble on. “He’s not just some guy my parents keep around, my dads known him since… before I was born? He’s a great guy.” Tony wandered around, Steve noticed him pushing his glasses up his nose, his other hand was flexing, fingers stretching out and balling into a fist, an anxious tick? Or just a habit. “One time, when I was like 16 I think, I like _screamed_ at him.”

“Why?” He asked sincerely.

“Let’s just say I was… going through some stuff, teenage hormone whatever and I came home and he asked me something, I don’t even remember what. And I just completely lashed out, I was like ‘you aren’t my father! Stop acting like it!’” He pointed his fingers, acting it out like Steve was his audience and he was completely sucked in to his performance. “Stupid? Right? I know, I still feel stupid about it.” 

“I’m sure he knows that Tony.” 

“Yeah. Right. Well, that night I overheard him talking to my mom who was all, ‘he’s so disrespectful I can’t believe he spoke to you like that, I’m gonna tell Howard.’ and you know what he said?” 

Steve nodded in his direction, letting him talk. 

“He said, ‘he just misses his father.’” He said in a matter of fact way, “My dad was off somewhere doing something, but Jarvis lied. He knew I didn’t miss him, he said it because he was trying to have my back, even though I was a complete asshole.” The boy shrugged, looking off with a slight smile. “So, to answer your question, yes. We are close. Also I don’t know why I told you that. Weird, huh?” He pointed his finger, looking to Steve like he had come to a revelation.. “History!”

“It feels good to have someone who’s got your back.” The man looked at a uniform from World War Two, his eyes trailing over it in thought.

“Even when you’re being an asshole?” Tony kept his eyes locked on Steve. The faint of a smirk on his lips, but something suggested that he wasn’t talking about Steve.

“That’s how you know someone’s really looking out for you.” Steve looked up at him thoughtfully. 

Looking at each other in the dimly lit section of the museum, surrounded by morbid framed love letters covered in dirt and models of planes, they both suddenly became very aware of each others existence, more than usual, having been sharing shifty glances and awkward bumps of the shoulder the whole time they had been walking around together. Tony suddenly realised the significance of their argument on the rooftop, somehow feeling very vulnerable knowing there was another person who ‘had his back’. And somehow he felt comforted and warm. Maybe it was just because the exhibit began to fill with people. 

“Hey lets go look at some paintings. You draw right?” He pretended he had forgotten, hurrying past him to the war period art exhibit. Which unsurprisingly had no one looking around it. It was a small square of a room, with some scattered large pairings on each wall, and a marble bench placed promptly in the middle. Tony almost ran around, sitting on the left side of the bench, listening to Steve’s cautious footsteps as he followed in suit, the high ceilings causing his military boots to echo around the room. 

He sat down on the right side of the bench. An empty gap between them. 

On the wall in front of them was a large painting, right in the centre. It was alone on the all, with a gold ornate frame. It was called _’The Triumph Of Death’_. It was chaotic, fire, water, death. They both took it in, quietly, quietly acknowledging each other’s presence, Tony’s silence was ever present, like he had said too much and was aware of it. Instead, they stared at the fire, and the death. Until Tony couldn’t take Steve’s silence over his.

“Do you feel like someone’s got your back?” His eyes stayed on the painting.

“…I used to.” Steve’s eyes also stayed on the painting.

“Bucky?” His voice was quiet.

“Tony I don’t really…” The boys big brown eyes beamed at him, it was like he knew he couldn’t handle it, and he couldn’t handle it even more when he snatched his eyes away, back to the painting. With a heavy sigh, he spoke. “All of us had to look out for each other. It was rough. I lost both my parents, quite young actually. Buck’ was my best friend, I moved in with him and his family. He liked to tease me but he never let anyone pick on me.” He adjusted himself on the uncomfortable flat bench, sprawling his large hand out on the space between them both.

“You? You got picked on?” Tony scoffed in disbelief.

“I was a scrawny kid, my parents didn’t have a lot of money. Thank you very much.” A brief chuckle escaped his drawn lips. “Anyway, uh. We joined the corps together, when I finally got some weight on me of course and I didn’t need him to stick up for me. But then there men with guns, and they weren’t just bullies with little flip knives and rocks. And even though I didn’t need his help, God. It felt good to have him there.” His face hardened, longing eyes staring at the haunted painting, and the violence. 

Tony and Steve stared at the lonely painting. The silence echoing. Steve almost moved his hand into his pocket and then, he felt a sudden warmth over his knuckles. He nearly jumped, slowly he looked down at the bench and there it was. A small bruised hand layer carefully over his and suddenly he felt like chest had been set on fire. He tried to think logically, scaling up the pale arm where their hands met, the boys eyes were still on the portrait, his jaw was clenched, throat tight. He knew, they both were aware now, this wasn’t an accident. 

Steve joined him, not sure what else to do, staring at the orange flames on the canvas. The small hand squeezed lightly, ever so lightly. The older mans breath broke in his throat he thought he might gasp aloud. 

They both heard footsteps approaching from behind them, pulling away their hands, withdrawing to themselves. Tony jumped to his feet, rushing out of the room past the small group of people, his heart was beating so fast he thought he might die. 

Escaping the white walls, the crowds of people, he pushed past it all, hurrying down the stone stairs. It was now dusk, the sun was orange. Like the painting. Trying to catch his breath. He leaned against a tree, and he thought of the evening he hurt his leg, and the way the air stifled in his chest made him think of the night on the rooftop. 

“Tony?” The voice behind him made it all stop.

“What is this?” 

He snapped, spinning around. Wide, desperate eyes darted on Steve now, looking for answers. 

“What is what?” Steve huffed, dropping his hands to his sides.

“This!” Tony gestured between them erratically.

“You tell me! I mean you have all the answers don’t you?”

The boy was taken aback by his sudden brashness. 

“You-you don’t just get to-“

“Me?”

“Yes you!” His eyes brimmed red, his lip shook when he was angry, Steve noticed. “You don’t just get to come into my life and make me…”

“What have I made you do Tony?”

“Well, what do you want from me?!”

“Nothing!” Shaking his head, trying to think. “I don’t want anything _from_ you. What part of that don’t you understand?” His voice turned into a whisper, pleading. 

Tony looked at the ground, like he was trying to put piece together in his head, doing calculations. 

“I’m gonna get a cab home.” He spoke loudly, clearly trying to stop his voice from cracking. 

A heavy sigh shrouded the both of them. Tony realised he had gotten too close to the man he had set out to hate. So he did what he always did when he got too close, he ran away. Steve hailed a taxi for him and sent him home, whatever _it_ was between them had gone unresolved, unspoken. Some unspoken thing. 

-

Thankfully when Tony got home everyone was out. Which meant he could drink he sweet stash of bourbon in peace. Music blared in his room, sprawled out on his bed with the bottle clutched in his hand. Maybe, he thought, no, _definitely_ tonight he would go out, to a bar or maybe a club. Meet someone who didn’t have good intentions, and drink the night away. Because that was a lot easier than looking at your problems through a narrow lens.

All he could think about was Steve. 

The call of night beckoned him. He changed into a rugged t shirt, after finishing the bottle. Dutch courage they called it, right? He headed into the darkness, where hopefully he could forget about it all, the feeling in his stomach, the pain in his chest. Maybe he was dying. That was better than whatever this was. 

The part of town he’d found himself wasn’t exactly his idea of glamour. But he’d heard about this particular bar and was just right the amount of drunk for what he heard went down there. This part of the city was dirty, for the least part, trash littering the streets and jarring neon signs oddly placed on inappropriate buildings. The not so distant sound of sirens and cats mixed together in a horrible harmony, thankfully he found the set of concrete steps that led down to the bar. 

It was just as dark inside as it was on the streets. This particular bar was infamous for being the sort of place that men could find men, but it was all rumours and gossip, nowhere dared to openly admit this kind of thing. Another unspoken thing that he had to rely upon. But this wasn’t by any means a classy establishment, the kind of place where everyone is in agreement, unspoken agreements. The kind of place married men went based on rumour so that they could experiment with only one intention. 

He got a drink at the bar, double vodka and coke. Pretending not to notice glances coming his way. He quietly accepted a cigarette from an older man on a stool a few down from him, lighting it with a smirk of false confidence. A few men danced around the bar, and tired of sitting, with the alcohol rushing to his head decided to join them. The movement was distracting, he could make out _Come On, Eileen_ playing on a janky jukebox behind them, dancing, with his burning cigarette clutched between his fingers. 

Was he being ridiculous? His mother always told him he had a case of the dramatics. Oh, if she could see him now, doing what he does best. Drinking, partying. His father always said he was ‘wasting away his talents’. No, he just wanted to get over it, get over him.

Him. Oh fuck.

He looked towards the door, feeling the cold air sift in between the hot, drunk dancers around him, and suddenly felt like he was in some sort of tv show where some sick movie producer type was staging his life and trying to drive him insane.

Steve spotted him too.

“Ah!” In a trance his cigarette had burned down to his fingers, shaking his hand and fighting off the sinching pain that seemed to consume his entire body. He pushed through the sweaty men he had been dancing with to the bar, maybe there was a back exit? 

He didn’t know if it was the burn, but it was all clearer now. They were both here, in this place of all places. There was no denying it, no excuses, no short sentenced conversations or arguments about it. He thought he might be sick. 

“What are you doing here?” The painfully familiar voice slid beside him on the sticky bar, he couldn’t bare to look at him. 

“My favourite thing about this city is how big it is, you know? Hardly any chance of running into people you don’t wanna see.” Tony rifled through his pockets for another cigarette, ordering the same drink at the bar, he didn’t even remember finishing the first. 

“You are way too young to be in a place like this.” Steve tried so hard to sound sincere, but even he knew it was bullshit. Tony wanted to scream at him, this act of the protective role model was not working to hide their ever growing list of unspoken things. 

The boy sighed around in his pockets yet again, sliding his fake ID across the bar in front of Steve, refusing to look at his face in the dark red lights.

“Bruce?” 

Tony sighed, “A scientist. You wouldn’t know him.” Necking his small drink as soon as he got it. “You shouldn’t be talking to me. Not here.” 

Steve slid the ID back. “I think we can say that our relationship has gone past the bounds of professionalism.” 

Tony scoffed at the term ‘relationship’, “I think that happened a long time ago. Like when you bailed me out of jail. Or told me you cared about me on a rooftop under the stars. Or when I called you and called you handsome. I could go on. So if you wanna keep lecturing me about underage drinking or whatever bullshit you’re gonna come up with, I’d take a look at yourself. We are both here. It’s out now. Leave me alone.” 

“If there’s something you wanna say to me then say it.” Tony felt the music and the liquor on his tongue. “What happened today?”

“The same thing that brought you here. I can’t do this.” He looked around frantically like he was in a sweat, Steve reaches out trying to calm him down, but a large figure shadowed them both. He was a large man with a regular looking face, with almost a full beard. 

“This guy bothering you?” He looked at Tony, both visibly distressed and drunk. 

He stared at Steve, trying to take in his existence. The museum, what he knew about him now, the way he made himself so vulnerable to him and liked it.

“Yeah. He is.” 

A wave of hurt washed over Steve’s face from what he could see, and understanding. They had never been more exposed to each other, and it hurt them both, neither of them could let themselves be free. Steve left, Tony thought he heard him say goodbye. The stranger took his place on the stool next to him and realised he’d rather Steve be sat there.

And he wished someone else had taken him home that night. But he ended up in some skeez motel, with a man too old and a name he barely remembered. Who didn’t care if he was lying about his age and didn’t care about listening to him, this stranger didn’t want to take him to museums or listen about his family. 

It hurt, all of it. The alcohol blurred it all but the pain was there, the mans pants and groans slowed, droll streams over his head as he let this complete stranger fuck into him. It didn’t distract him anymore, none of it did. 

Tired, broken, he creeped out of bed. The man was asleep. He threw on his clothes which felt dirty and used. Looking for a pay phone. 

He dialled a number he’d done one too many times before.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I think we should talk.”

“…Come over?”

“Okay, Monday?”

“Monday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tfw you don’t even get to eat ur sandwich bc of ur teenage ANGST  
> P.S New endgame trailer?!?!?!?!?!?


	14. Enjoy The Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”Vows are spoken  
>  To be broken  
> Feelings are intense  
> Words are trivial  
> Pleasures remain  
> So does the pain”_  
> ~Depeche Mode

The weekend after the museum trip and… all that followed was a blur. Tony continued to go out to various bars and nightclubs so he didn’t have to do much thinking. It was only til the bell for his final class rang Monday afternoon that he realised he probably should have thought about what he was going to say tonight.

_”I think we should talk.”_

Talk? Talk about what? Okay, he was the one who said it, but he didn’t know then and he didn’t know now what it actually as he wanted to talk about. When he called he just thought that maybe everything would fall into place, rather than the fragments and shapes that currently was his life, his sudden inability to put things together and see things for how they really are, complete, everything he thought he knew about himself and others had become shapes.

He stared at the square tiles, the school bathroom was actually well kept, considering. He thought he was dragging out the time by sneaking a cigarette in the bathroom, biding his time before he had to drive to Steve’s apartment and ‘talk’. He stared at himself in the mirror, and then at a crude and unrealistic drawing of a penis next to the mirror that the janitor had obviously tried to scrub off and failed. He had dark circles under his eyes, he hadn’t had much sleep but that wasn’t unusual, but for some reason he was worried about what he looked like, using his free hand to push his hair back in an attempt to control it.

The door swung open, and out of habit he looked around for a place to put out his cigarette, but it wasn’t a teacher, he saw Rhodey’s face and let out a loud sigh of relief, which made his friend pull a confused face. “Sorry, thought you were my date.” 

“You’re waiting for a date in the boys bathroom?” His friend smiled, raising an eyebrow as he walked over to him.

“Obviously, where else would I wait?” He mumbled mindlessly, taking another drag of the cigarette and leaning against the sink. It was porcelain, the entire bathroom was in fact pristine, actually nicer than the club bathroom he had been in last night. 

James chuckled, leaning against the sink next to him. “I was looking for you actually.”

“Aw. Come to confess your love? Because I told you I have a date.” 

“You know I’m not buying that.”

“Was your first thought to look in the bathroom? Because if that’s the case you know me so well it’s sickening.”

“I came to ask for a ride.” 

Tony gave him a curious look. “I thought Nat usually takes you. Hey, you have a car, did you know that?”

“You know my folks don’t let me take it to school. And, look, we haven’t hung out in a while so-“

“So you wanna confess your love to me?” 

“You know what man I-“

He slipped him playfully on the shoulder, “I’m pullin your strings, I’m starved for some one on one time myself.” 

They smiled as they walked out together, Rhodey noticed how Tony seemed to avoid almost everyone as he walked through the hall, drifting in and out thought. He had the roof down so he could easily jump over the door into the drivers seat, Rhodey wouldn’t do the same and Tony would tease him for it, as always. 

“You’re ridiculous you know that right?” Rhodey watched his friend pull out into the road, his driving was always erratic and impatient, like he had somewhere to be and was too good for the traffic but he just seemed distracted and cornered a jock on a motorcycle. “I standby what I said.”

“There are other adjectives endings in ‘ous’ that I prefer. Like… glamorous, or _fabulous_.” Tony’s hands flew on and off the wheel as he spoke which made his friend slightly nervous. He shrugged it off, realising he hadn’t been alone with Tony in so long and that this was just one of his ways.

“Hideous.” He smiled, and let out a snigger 

“James, I will pull this car over.” 

Tony couldn’t remember the last time he had been to his friends house. Or the last time they had been alone together since Rhodey had wandered into a room he wasn’t supposed to some time ago. So he just tried to think about driving, and being with his friend, and not the dreaded conversation he was about to have with this man. The air was warm but it felt cold against his cheeks as he sped through the suburbs. 

When he pulled up outside of his cosy two story home, he felt a sudden clinging feeling, his stomach hurt like it was pushing out of him trying to reach his friend.

“Uh, my moms making spaghetti. You can come in if you want?” 

Tony didn’t want to say no, but he couldn’t say yes either. It felt so insignificant to him at the time, like his friend was just a combination of shapes and numbers in the passenger seat next to him.

“Can’t. Got a lesson with professor hard-ass. Next time, though.” 

His friend nodded, firmly. “Next time.” He put his hand on the door handle, but paused. 

“Tony, are you okay?”

He was surprised by the question. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

Rhodey winced, treading on his words carefully like they were shards of porcelain. “I don’t know you just seem… off.”

“Off?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. Just being weird.”

“Gee thanks.” 

“You know what I mean.”

Tony blinked, leaning against the back of the leather seat. “I mean, I don’t. But I assure you I’m dandy. Like a peach.” He smiled as sincere as he could.

“Promise?”

Tony raised his hand, sticking his pinky finger out. “Always.” 

Rhodey stared at his hand and rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll see you around Tony, don’t do anything stupid.” 

“You think the worst of me!” Tony shouted as his friend left the car, ascending up his porch, he turned and smiled in agreement, and Tony forced a smile as he waved goodbye, and began his drive to Steve’s apartment.

-

Bandaged fists collided with the punching bag, rough, hitting the sides, the middle, the hypothetical head. Sweat glistening off of his forehead, hair bouncing as he swung for the bad, knocking it around the room, his white shirt stuck to his chest, was he nervous? 

Steve realised that he and Tony hadn’t actually set a time for their meeting, maybe they just silently agreed to meet at their usually scheduled time, but he guessed that there wasn’t going to be much teaching or learning going on. He never missed a punch.

He heard three distinct pounds on the door over the groans coming from the hanging bag. Slightly out of breath, he realised the time and promptly reprimanded himself under his breath. He’d been in the battlefield, he’d been shot at, so why did he feel his heart thumping in and out of chest? He blamed the workout. 

He looked around his apartment, a shirt hung over his lampshade, a pair of worn socks thrown over the back of his couch, he reprimanded himself again, grabbing everything he could and shoving them under his bed in a rush, he didn’t hear another knock, suddenly anxious that Tony had made a break for it when he hadn’t immediately answered. Funnily enough that wouldn’t surprise him.

Almost stumbling to the door, he grabbed onto the door handle for dear life, straightening himself out. He didn’t know what to expect and he didn’t like it, he didn’t want to think about Tony’s face, and then he saw him. When he’d opened the door, the boy had his back turned, tapping his foot impatiently, but he immediately stopped and spun on his heels towards the sound of the opening door. He was still in uniform, his striped tie hung loosely around his neck like he’d been pulling on it, his eyes were tired but they still gleamed, dark and wide at Steve’s frame as he stood in the door. 

“Hope I wasn’t interrupting something.” Tony finally spoke, snapping Steve back into reality, he shook his head and opened the door wider.

“I was waiting for you, come on in.” He began to unwrap the bandages on his knuckles, noticing his skin was a faint shade of pink. 

Tony nodded, bowing his head as he tip toed cautiously into the apartment. Steve could feel his eyes on him still, he’d never heard him be so quiet, unsurprisingly it didn’t last long, when he crossed his arms to look at the boy, who was tugging on his fingers and scratching the back of his knuckles, the word vomit begun.

“Okay, I hate awkwardness so I’m just gonna come out and say it Uh… I’m not good at this, I never have been. I’ve been trying so hard to ignore it, like I do with everything. But I guess it’s all out on the table now, so I can’t exactly just sweep it under the rug. Everything in my life is kind of messed up right now, like pieces and parts, it’s… it’s all over the place. And it’s been like that ever since I met you.”

Steve stared, trying to process his words, watching him figure out his words as they came out of his mouth.

“I guess I’ll just…” Tonys eyes looked up to meet his. “I don’t like how I feel about you.”

A lump formed in Steve’s throat, his mouth felt dry and he hoped he wouldn’t say something stupid. 

“Tony…”

“Yeah, That was stupid, just forget I even said anything.” He tried to turn towards the door, and it pained him, there was so much he wanted to say to him.

“No, I… You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, I mean, you’re way in over your head.” Guilt filled his chest as he said it, the look on Tony’s face when he turned back to look at him made it hurt. 

“Don’t treat me like I’m a kid.” He took a step towards Steve, he was broader and bigger in comparison, but Tony held his ground, staring up at him challengingly. 

“I don’t want you to get hurt!” 

Tony stared. “And who’s gonna hurt me? You?” Steve tried to speak but Tony swiftly interjected, stepping closer him. “Why don’t you just drop the act? Huh?” 

Steve looked down at his face, soft and persistent, stubborn, as always. “You want me to drop the act Tony? Because I will.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I haven’t felt alive in so long, too long. And then I meet you, and you’re… a forest fire, you know?”

Tony drew short, sharp breaths. “I push people away, I know. It’s kinda my thing.” 

“Then why don’t you just stop? Realise I’m not out to get you.” 

Tony snapped. “Because I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t know what to do!” It was only then Steve realised that they were dangerously close, he saw the redness in Tony’s cheeks, the frustration quivering on the plump of his lips. 

“What do you want to do?” His voice turned into a whisper, his serious face edging closer, inches between them, two positives pushing against the magnetic field, managing to keep them apart. Tony’s eyes flickered, the confusion and the innocence the dark depths of his iris made him look his age. He heard his heavy breaths across the field, rising in and out of his chest like smoke. 

And then with forceful push, Tony pulled himself forward, his small chest slamming against his as their lips crashed into one another’s, he gasped slightly into Steve’s mouth, like he was shocked when he kissed him back, and couldn’t say it. Through the smoke, and the fog, and all the atoms that made up the space between them, each touch made things clearer, delicate fingers clawing into his shoulders for support, and control, Steve thought he might need the stability as the boys wet tongue slip into his mouth. 

Without even realising, his hands were gripped onto his sides, feeling the curves of his waist and how his stomach was slightly firm, his thumbs were pressing into him. His mouth tasted like mint, obviously to try to hide the taste of cigarettes and coffee. Had he planned for this? Suddenly Steve was sucked back into reality, the horrible, dreary reality that wasn’t just kissing Tony Stark, he took a step back, gazing at the dew in his eyes, his lips that had begun to swell and redden. He had a faint red mark on his cheek where his stubble had scratched him. Oh God.

“I shouldn’t. You know I shouldn’t.” God, he always had to be the voice of reason didn’t he? He was growing sick of himself. 

Tony’s blush began to show, he squinted trying to make it less obvious. “Well what do you want to do?” Steve realised he was still holding onto him. 

He wanted to kiss him again, and hold him, and take care of him. A feeling he hadn’t felt in an extremely long time and it was scary. The last time he felt like this, he lost, not to mention how young Tony was, but he, in his efforts to give Steve a hard time, had made him want to know him and protect him even though he shouldn’t, not in the way he _wanted_ to. And in trying so hard to figure Tony out, laugh with him, listen to him, he lost sight of himself and continued to fall into those big brown eyes of his and his stubbornness and wit. He was, a forest fire, in the bar, he was determined to burn, to push him away, and all he did was reignite Steve’s soul in the burning woods in his chest, the hollow trees of his heart of a country that only caused him loss and pain. 

So he let himself go. 

An arm wrapped around the nook of the boys back, pulling him in tighter, kissing him again although he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop. They’d come so far already that the way back was encased in a blanket of flames and smoke, no, there was no turning back now. Tony’s hands weaved together around his neck like he was pulling him down, causing both of them to tumble backwards, pushing into the door handles of his creaking cabinet. He felt his anger on his lips, his hands tightening as the man pulled him closer, his large hands sprawling across his lower back, the cabinet knocked and rocked, the creak of its legs filled the apartment threatening to collapse beneath them. Until another shrill noise flooded the hot, apartment. 

The phone continued to ring and ring, Tony released a frustrated sigh, his head falling back to lean against the wardrobe, “ignore it.” His voice was cool and thick like like a river, but his eyes were and his lips were wetter, hungrier, he so badly wanted to give in. 

But the ringing wouldn’t give in, he resentfully pulled away, trudging towards the phone above his kitchen countertop to answer it. Picking up the phone, he rested his elbows on the counter, running a hand across his brow, “Hello?” He muttered, out of the corner of his eye he saw Tony, awkwardly swaying in the corner of the room, surveying the area, holding himself in his arms with doubt in his eyes. 

The reality of his dingy looking apartment began to settle back into him, slowly, and then all at once, when he heard the voice on the other line. 

“Steve? It’s Maria, have you seen Tony? I know you were supposed to have a session today, but neither of you are here, I thought I’d gotten my dates all wrong.” 

He cringed, the ever increasing guilt made his hands curl into fists. “Yeah, he’s here.” Tony looked up, narrowing his eyes curiously. She said something he didn’t quite catch but didn’t really think to ask her to reiterate. “Yeah, it was my idea, it was a nice day out so I figured…” Tony’s ears perked up from across the room, “We were just heading out, Yeah.” He nodded along to her words mindlessly, he apologised, she said it was fine. 

“You wanna talk to him?” 

Tony shook his head, holding up his hands.

“No, I’ll let you two get on with it.” He felt very hot.

The phone made an obnoxiously loud click as he set it down, acknowledging the tension across the room. 

“I should go.” He stated, averting his eyes anywhere else and grabbing his school bag he had flung on the floor, Oh God, had he pushed him? Had he ruined it, made it weird? Tony kissed him first, the first initial release, but he was young, did he really know what he wanted? It all came crashing down on him.

“Tony, wait up.” Following after him, reaching his side before he could reach the front door. 

“This is all too real.” He let out in a breathy voice, anger between each sigh. “I don’t know how to do this.” He admitted it with a sigh of defeat, like it was an admission of guilt.

Steve thought for a moment, about what he wanted, and about what was right. The lines between right and wrong were blurring with every moment, but the one between what he wanted, and didn’t want, was as clear as day. And he realised he was tired of playing it safe, he wanted to feel the fire again. “Neither do I.” Tony head turned to look at him, he looked as if he were applying meaning to each and every word that Steve spoke, rather than only listening to the sound of his own drum.

He knew that, as Tony darted out of the door, pacing down the hallway toward the stairwell. Steve followed quickly behind, he couldn’t let Tony do this, he needed to know why. “This is what you’re gonna do? Run away as soon as it gets too _real_ for you?” 

“Uh huh.” His hand ran down the bannister of the stairwell as he stepped quickly.

“I thought you could handle anything.” 

Tony stopped in his tracks and spun around, “You know Uh.. ‘Bucky’, he wasn’t just your friend was he?” 

Steve just stared.

“I didn’t think so.” He swallowed, hard. “Is that what you meant by not wanting me to get hurt?” 

He tried to come up with words, but nothing would come out.

“You know about war and everything, so you know that no one really wins. Everyone loses, that’s what this is, one of us is going to get hurt.” 

He saw it then, across Tonys face, within his eyes. He was scared, he was scared of getting hurt. 

“I’m not going to let that happen.” Something about the way Tony’s lips parted made it seem like he was trying to believe him, but he just couldn’t. And took off once again downwards, down and down and down. 

But Steve was there, at the bottom of the dusty stairwell with him, resilient. He was there as Tony walked out into the streets, the sun was beginning to make its way down too, he looked around for his car. Swinging open the door with force, climbing into the drivers seat. 

“Tony…” Steve looked down at him, clutching onto the wheel and not moving, staring at his hands like his mind was telling him to go, but his body was forcing him to stay. 

“Let’s go for a ride. Come on, get in.” 

“What?”

“Let’s go somewhere.” 

He was going to object, but he knew if he did, Tony would probably start the car and drive away without another word, he couldn’t give up on an actual invitation of some sort, but he begun to realise Tony felt more comfortable when he had control. So he joined him in the passenger seat, saw Tony’s sketchy eyes as he pulled away into the busy streets, he drove with one hand, his elbow rested on the door, occasionally scratching his head and never looking over at the man seated next to him. 

“How did my mom sound? Mad?” 

“She was fine Tony, where are we-“

“You hungry? I could eat.” 

“…Sure.” 

The breeze didn’t seem to touch either of them, neither of them continued to speak. Tony would continue to tug on his hair with his spare hand as if he was irritated to not be consuming all the oxygen that flew by them. 

He pulled into a parking lot outside a 7-11, it was mostly empty, a single, lonely street lamp tried to light up the concrete. “Be right back.” He murmured as he got out the car, storming into the store without looking back. 

With the roof down, it didn’t matter when Steve got out of his expensive looking car, he could still hear the traffic in the distance, as he leaned on the low rising bonnet of the vehicle, looking around the empty space, he wondered how he had gotten to this point. How a simple job could’ve turned into something so insane, how he could end up falling for-

And he realised why he had, when Tony Stark re-emerged from the store. The lights in the windows protruded around his frame, boxed by his uniform blazer, but Steve knew what he really felt like, he looked at him and he could feel the curve in his spine. Steve thought he would tell him off for leaning on his car, instead, he threw a small bag in his direction, which he caught with both hands. He sat beside him on the hood, his own bag of sweets in his hand. 

“Thought you might want some.” He looked down into the red and white striped bag in his hand.

“Is this your idea of a meal?” Steve felt himself tease, a faint smile on the corner of his lips, it came so naturally around Tony.

“On a good day.” His head perked up with a smile, which swiftly faded. Tony watched as Steve tentatively placed a small hard candy into his mouth, he could tell he didn’t really want it, he was just trying to distract himself. 

“Tony… Do you want this?” The sun gleamed onto Steve’s cheekbones, the shadows made him look ever more serious, the light reflecting off of the muscles peaking out of the back of his shirt.

“I mean if you’re not having them I can always eat more…” Steve gave him _that look_. He gulped, Steve heard it over the police siren in the distance. “Honestly? More than I’ve wanted anything. And it’s really friggin annoying considering I wanted nothing to do with you. But I guess that’s where we are.”

“Yeah.” Steve spoke after a while of processing Tony’s words. “I guess it is.” 

“So… I cant. We can’t. You were right.” 

Steve didn’t want to agree, but he understood. Maybe they had gone too far. And although he was already too deep in the first to find his way out, he agreed. And settled for the empty parking lot where he sat next to Tony. He reached over him suddenly, his thin fingers reaching into the bag between his thighs and retrieving a sweet, carelessly popping it into his mouth. Steve gave him a curious look.

“They taste better when they aren’t yours.”


	15. Cane Shuga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Burn through my love  
>  Just like your drugs  
> I've had quite enough  
> Or lack thereof_  
> ~Glass Animals

_Act 1- Alcohol_

It had been a week since Tony and Steve had seen each other, He’d been making excuses that he was sick so that he didn’t have to see him, but that also meant he had to stay indoors every day after school. That was okay, he distracted himself in the lab, as best as he could. The worst part of it was that in avoiding Steve he only thought about him more. His current situation was less than desirable, he couldn’t down the days until he graduated so he could go to college full time and not have to deal with any of it, he could just study and party and make bad excuses about not coming home.

Speaking of coming home, his father was on his way home, he was in Singapore, or was he? He didn’t remember or especially care, because he had another inexplicable problem on his hands by the name of Steve Rogers. 

Maybe he would try and be rational. People always say to face your problems head first, right? 

The house was empty, his mother and Jarvis had gone to airport to meet Howard. He was doting around the kitchen, a beer in his hand. He looked at the telephone on the counter and pondered. Staring at the curves of it. He smacked his lips together mindlessly, variations of pops filling up the room. Taking a big swig from the bottle, he reached for the phone and pinned in the numbers. God, what was he doing?

He listened to the phone ring, doubt and other things running over and over in his mind. He did quickly realise he was making a mistake but as soon as he thought to put the phone down, the line stopped, and a low voice rose from the other end. The same, stoic ‘hello’ from previous awkward and unnerving phone calls. 

“It’s Tony.” He stated, a little too loud. 

“Oh. Is everything okay?” His voice was filled with sudden concern and Tony was annoyed that he was always so thoughtful. He expected him to be pissed or at least a little agitated. Maybe he just had a good way of hiding it. 

He took a sip. “Yeah. Always.” He realised he hadn’t actually thought of what to say before calling, he just acted on a stupid impulse, like most things in his life. “I was just letting you know we are _on_ for Monday’s lesson. We are on like King Kong. Yep.” He was thankful Steve couldn’t see his cheeks glowing red.

He heard a nasal laugh through the phone. “Okay. Great. Feeling better?” Steve knew Tony wasn’t really sick, he wasn’t bitter about it though. 

“Peachy.”

“Is that all you wanted to talk about?” 

Tony’s back slid down the cabinet, his knees up to his chest, he untangled the curly wire as he pulled the phone down with him, holding the receiver on his lap, he talked with the device in the crook of his shoulder, craning his neck to the side. “Uh, well. Here’s the thing, I’ve been trying to just ignore it, you know, all of this. But you see, I wanna be honest, that kiss uh, can’t stop thinkin about it.”

“…Can I be honest too?”

“Mm?”

“Neither can I.” 

Tony held the bottle tighter, hitting the rim gently against his two front teeth teasingly. “What are we going to do about this then?”

“…Nothing.”

That wasn’t what he expected, he felt immediately rejected although he’d barely said anything.

“Oh, all right then. Uh, all honesty, I didn’t plan what I was going to say. I don’t really do this.”

“Don’t really do what?” 

“See, I always say I’m gonna call em back, I never do. And now I have, and it’s weird.” He tried to laugh it off, not realising the full extent of his words.

“Is that what this is then, one of your… flings, like that guy in the bar?” His tone was serious all of a sudden.

Tony squinted, sitting upright. “I’m sorry can we back track a second? In your words, this is nothing, right? And if I recall, you were at that bar too, same intentions, same idea, you’re no saint, Rogers.”

“You…. I only went to that place because I was trying to get over the thought of you, the idea of you, alright? That turned out to be harder for some of us than others.”

Tony was quiet for a moment, a fleeting moment. “This isn’t just a fling.” 

He hung up before Steve could get a word in edgewise, extending his arm above the counter to shove the phone back in its place. Tony didn’t lie, he didn’t do that a lot, he was habitual in his relationships with others, if he could call them that, used to one night stands with acquaintances or in the case of Alex or an old fling he didn’t think about much anymore, serial and organised fucks that didn’t really mean much but it felt that way because it was the same person and not a faceless stranger. So, calling Steve, his tutor, an older man, after simply kissing? it was not something he was well equipped to deal with, as he quickly came to realise. Thankfully none of the aforementioned were around to see him curled up behind his kitchen counter with a beer between his knees, frustrated, and tired. 

And he didn’t lie, it wasn’t just a fling. 

Taking small sips, staring at his odd socks. It wasn’t purposeful, he’d rolled out of bed a little too late to be proud of, grabbing a red sock and a blue sock, maybe he knew it would displease his father, maybe he just didn’t care. It wasn’t really all that significant so why was he thinking so much about it? Then the sound of footsteps clicking on the hardwood floor approached, realising he hadn’t heard the front door, he quickly hid the beer in a cupboard by his side, jumping to his feet. He saw his father, followed by his mother and Jarvis, smiling widely.

“What are you doing? Stop acting foolish will you?” Howard branded his usual nonplussed expression, staring at Tony like he was examining him and his movements for flaws.

“Missed you too dad.” Running a hand along the countertop, Tony made his way around and stood firmly opposite him. “Have a good trip?” He said with a sarcastic tone.

“Fine, see I actually got some work done, your mother told me you’ve been sitting on your ass all week.” He looked at the bandaid on his leg.

“I’ve been sick actually so you better stay away, you wouldn’t wanna catch anything from me.” Tony folded his arms, Howard wavering his hand apathetically in the same way Tony usually did, turning away from him. “Did you tell dad I’ve been sick mom?” His eyes narrowed in frustration.

“Yes, Tony.” She sighed behind him.

“So, you know I’ve been sick? Right then.”

“Give it a rest Tony. I assumed it was from getting yourself drunk while I’ve been gone, you seem to have a habit of that, Making a mockery of yourself.”

“Hm. Wonder where I picked that up?”

“Certainly wasn’t from me, watch your tongue.”

He pulled a face behind his fathers back in childish petulance, Jarvis saw and gave him a warning nod. Tony stood upright, tense, the amount of alcohol he’d had wasn’t able to make him feel calm around his father. “I always love it when you come home. You should do it more often.” 

Howard barely looked at him. “I’m putting my things down and then I’m taking your mother for dinner, try not to burn the house down while we’re gone.” 

He didn’t let him get another word in, carrying a suitcase upstairs. Maria walked past him, her face was sad, disappointed.

“Why do you always have to be this way? Why do you have to be so difficult? I mean, who raised you?”

Tony felt himself growing angrier and angrier with each growing moment. He was used to not feeling good enough, for his father, his mother and everyone else, but lately he’d been overcome with this sudden and spontaneous urge to be better and he wasn’t completely sure why, talking with Steve always made him feel like he had to _do more_ , but it wasn’t enough, and he didn’t know how. 

“My nanny Juanita and she died when I was 14!” 

He saw the hurt on her face, and he felt bad, angrier at himself than her. “The things you do affect others Tony, I hope you realise that.” She turned, following his father in suit, her short heels clicking fast as she walked. Tony looked to Jarvis, for reassurance, that he wasn’t in the wrong or that he wasn’t upset with him too.

“They’re crazy, right?” He shrugged.

Jarvis pursed his lips in a nondescript way, looking at Tony thoughtfully. “I will see you tomorrow, Master Stark.” 

_Act 2 – Codeine_

Down in the lab, he fiddled around with DUM-E. Everyone having left he drank bourbon straight from the bottle, not his finest moment but nobody was around, his robot wasn’t programmed to judge him either. But he still had the sinking suspicion that he did. He spent the good part of an hour turning screws and bolts and cigs, trying to making him better, more advanced, drinking while he did it. He didn’t know what else to do, he decided for once that he wouldn’t ignore everything with Steve, which turned out to be a mistake, Howard coming home only seemed to make things worse. And in a mindless, tipsy, state, his head in heated, rough kisses and the thought of punching a wall over and over again without actually doing that, his elbow slipped off of the workbench and cut the inside of his forearm on a loose, incredibly sharp piece of metal. He shuddered looking at the open gash on his arm, pain soaring up and down his wrist, blood dripping down onto the table, ruining the shiny surface. He instinctively grabbed a rag covered in oil, pressing it against the wound, he was thankful for the alcohol making his mind number to the pain. 

Cursing under his breath over and over until he heard a phone ringing from upstairs. He thought it might be Steve, and in a slightly drunk and delirious condition of pain and sudden loss of blood, he decided to pull himself up the narrow stairway. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” He repeated breathily until he got to the phone, composing himself, the rag still pressed down on the cut. “Hello?”

A female voice answered, and he felt himself being disappointed. His arm, still bleeding profusely, by the way. “Hey, Oh Tony it’s you. It’s Nat.” 

The phone lodged between his shoulder and his ear, he stifled a groan. “What’s up?”

“Party tonight. You coming?” 

He looked at his arm, and then around his empty home. “Sure, what time is it?”

“People are meant to be turning up at Eight. If you mean the time now, it’s like Six Thirty.”

“Okay Great then we have time, awesome. I need someone to take me to the ER.” 

“What? Why? What have you done now?” 

“Kinda cut my arm open, no big deal, but please come quickly, thank you, don’t wanna be late for the party and whatnot.” 

“I think the party is the least of your concerns right now bud.”

“Just come, please?” 

“Alright stay put, try not to fall down any stairs and break your neck while you’re waiting.”

“Yeah yeah, Try not to drive off any cliffs.” He heard her laugh distantly as she hung up.

He remembered the beer he had left hidden in the kitchen, and wandered to retrieve it with his injured arm. Telling himself that it was distracting him from the pain. He finished the beer when Nat arrived, slipping into the passenger side of her old Camaro. She pointedly instructed him not to bleed all over her seats. She told him they were going to some ‘rich kids’ place ‘downtown’ and she didn’t want to be late because Pepper was going to be there, although Rhodey was taking Pepper so he didn’t see what the problem was. She continued to tease him for getting hurt and told him that he was like a chihuahua who constantly tried to stand up to Great Danes.

By the time they got to the the emergency room it had stopped bleeding, he sat beside Nat in the waiting room and he mentally scolded himself for the condescending thoughts that came into his head as he looked at all the other people in there and how he hated the smell of public places.

“You don’t have to wait with me.” 

“Great, I’m gonna go smoke.” She smiled, Tony squinted and frowned and she patted him on his shoulder. “I’m kidding, you always say shit like that and never mean it.”

“I’m trying to be polite and civil, that’s the kind of stuff people say right?”

“Again, they usually mean it.”

“I doubt it.” He grumbled, feeling increasingly sorry for himself as he held onto his wounded arm. 

“How’d you even do that?”

“Arm slipped, its not a big deal.”

“How much have you drunk tonight?”

“Hardly anything.”

“Well, Rhodey says you’ve been acting weird.”

He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Oh, did he now? Of course he would say that. He loves over analysing just about everything I do.”

“Just sayin’, Maybe you wouldn’t be falling over all the time if you actually talked about your issues instead of drinking them away.” She shrugged he leather coated shoulders.

“Woah!” He blinked widely at her, “Now you’re doing it!”

A corner of her mouth curved into a smirk and she chuckled dryly. 

“There’s nothing wrong with pre-drinking when you’re going out. Actually, it’s the rules.” He said defensively, she didn’t buy it and he could tell. But he wouldn’t admit to any of it, he was too annoyed by everyone’s sudden interest in his well being. It was just messing everything up more.

The nurse had given him some pretty strong painkillers, that he would find as the night progressed would not mix well with alcohol. The cut wasn’t deep enough to need stitches, so after being cleaned up and tightly bandaged, Natasha and himself were free to go to the party. He looked down at the neat white bandage around his arm and thought about Steve, and Steve’s big arms carrying him to land like a lifeguard, and how he squirmed on his shoulder, _God_ , no matter what he tried or what he didn’t he couldn’t seem to get the man out of his head. 

Night had come quickly in the time they had waited, darkness shadowing the emergency room parking lot. He walked side by side with Nat, her red hair glowing under the tall street lamps. 

“Hey. Can I tell you something and if I do will you get off my back?” He stopped under a yellow spotlight, pushing his hands into his pockets. She had walked ahead and turned around, staring curiously and then nodding to let him continue. “I think I’m… seeing someone? But I’m not? And it’s really weird and fucked up and I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

She crossed her arms, her legs in line with her shoulders. “It’s not gonna be like last time is it Tony?” He remembered he’d told her about someone in the past, obviously sparing the details of their gender and pretty much everything else he could at the time, but some things were harder to hide than others.

“What? No..”

“Tony…”

“I don’t need you judging me, okay? I just want you and everyone to stop thinking there’s something wrong with me when I’m fine. I know what I’m doing.” 

He really didn’t.

_Act 3 – Ketamine_

The party was held in a high rise apartment, walls made of glass looking down on the rest of New York City. Every room and hallway was dark and lit by flashing lights, red, purple and pink. All spinning around him as he bumped into stuck up socialites children as they got themselves wasted mixing liquors and trying to impress each other. His arm thumped with the music, numbing itself, or maybe he was just too intoxicated to notice the pain. 

He took something off of some kid in a black beanie and camo pants that were way too big, the embodiment of trying too hard. The living room held a long leather sofa wrapping around the room, he noticed Clint sat in the corner piece one Nat quickly walked around Tony to hug him, falling off of his lap and sitting next to him in a passive aggressive way, pushing the blonde girl who was next to him to the side. As he walked further into the living room revealing a long table in the corner mounted with bottles and bottles of drinks but hardly anyone was touching them because there was stronger stuff floating around the room. Through the crowd of people jumping together and dancing to _The Point Of No Return_ he noticed Pepper, sitting with her chin held high and her legs crossed, a beer in her hand which was unusual, he spotted Rhodey in the corner of the room with a classmate he recognised, he looked like he was telling him some lengthy story with no end and he felt bad for the guy he was speaking to. 

About to assert himself into one of their conversations, a petite, curly haired girl reached up from the sofa and wrapped her hand around his wrist. “Oh no Tony what did you do?” Her shrill voice shrieked with false concern, obviously to try and gain his attention, she did. The darker girl beside her turned and gasped loudly, slurring her words as she practically jumped onto her friend to reach his hand.

“You poor thing what happened?!” He recognised them both from school but again, found it hard to put names to faces. Nevertheless, he enjoyed the attention. He shrugged and smiled placidly.

“Oh, you know.” He pointed to his bandage. “Saw some old lady getting harassed by a mugger, obviously I stepped in, roughed the guy up and he pulled a knife on me!” They collectively gasped, looking up at him with wide, adoring eyes. He knew they were both too drunk to call bullshit, blindly listening in adoration. “Anyway, I scared him off but he got a few licks in, that’s why Natasha and I were fashionably late.” From the other side of the couch he noticed Nat staring at him with a smug look on her face, leaning back in the seat.

“Wow Tony, you’re such a hero.” She smirked and shook her head. Rolling her eyes when the two girls in front of him eagerly agreed, giving her a foul look.

“What can I say?” They giggled sweetly and dumb. “We can’t all be like me.” He gently shrugged their hands off of him once he’d had enough, sending a smirk towards Nat, to which she rolled her eyes again, murmuring something to Clint that he couldn’t make out. “I’ll catch you ladies later on.” As he slipped away from them, the room suddenly began to blur. Realising how the music was much slower and the lights brighter, he felt like he could hear his own breathing over the thudding bass in his throat, and wondered if everyone else could hear it too. He only just heard the two girls he’d been speaking too shout goodbye after him. 

The intensity of the rooms screams and shouts grew, spinning around him in endless circles. He’d gotten caught up with the dancers in trying to reach Rhodey. Losing control over his limbs one by one like dominoes, his mind and his body out of sync as the chemicals coursed through his thick blood. He laughed for no reason. 

Somehow, the slowed time went faster and faster as he moved with the group, up and down, left and right, all out of sync, Pepper and Nat were no longer on the couch, Rhodey wasn’t in the corner, the two girls from before were sliding up and down against him. In his mind he’d only just started dancing but he didn’t know where his mind was. And he rebelled in it for as long as he could.

Through his blurred eyes, a pale, feminine face and glossy lips smiled at him, and before he could react, she leaned forward and slipped her tongue into his mouth. His hands held on her hips for support. In his surprise, he hadn’t noticed a small white pill roll off of her tongue and onto his as she kissed him, burning as it fizzed and dissolved. He turned his head away, he smiled because she smiled, a different, curvier body pressed up against him, again soft, fuzzy lips kissing him and he kept kissing back because… _why not?_ thankfully mystery girl number two didn’t surprise him with anything else. 

Managing to untangle himself from all the bodies and lips around him until he felt a tapping on his shoulder, pressing harder and harder so that it would finally get through to him, the touch sending a shock to his body. It came from his friend, pushing through the crowd and looking at him with concern, worry.

“Tony, I need to talk to you!” 

Tony blinked, shaking his head, “Don’t be a buzz kill Rhodey!!!” 

Rhodey didn’t look amused. “It’s personal!” 

Tony stopped, wobbling slightly as he did. Giving a slight nod in confirmation. “This better not be stupid.”

He followed him through the bustle of people, feeling vague hands run over him and one guy tried to high five him as he reached the end. Finally he felt air in his lungs as the crowd lifted him away, hot oxygen flowing out of his mouth, and forgetting himself he tried to pull out a cigarette, but Rhodey had caught onto his arm and dragged him away. 

“What dya wanna tell me Rhodey? You got a crush on meeeee?” He snorted, willingly letting his friend pull him into a dark and empty room, whatever song was playing now distant, the words unintelligible but the beat bumped on the walls. 

“I just wanted to talk to about something. It’s… stupid.” James sat, and then Tony saw that it was on a bed. He practically had to launch his body off of the wall to make his way towards it, making the bed bounce as he sat beside him. His friend clearly wasn’t aware of the state that Tony was in, he wasn’t about to let him know.

“Go ahead Wordsworth.” Tony tried his best not to slur, he would feel guilty if Rhodey knew that he could barely see or hear anything, completely losing him in the poorly lit bedroom, but he couldn’t feel anything, and he preferred it that way.

“Ever since… ever since that party, when I saw you and… Clint. it’s had me thinking a lot.” 

“Pfft, Perv.” Something didn’t completely register in Tony’s head and then it did. “Wait, wha-“

“Shut up – no – not like that. I mean about myself. I never really thought about guys like that, and… I I guess you know? Right?”

“Wait wait wait, Clint? And what? Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?” Tony leaned back on his elbows in an effort to keep himself from toppling onto the floor. “Because you know it’s all love brother. But…” 

“Tony.” He said sharply. He knew he must’ve been drinking too, or else he would have never brought this up. Tony’s mind discarded this new information at the sight of his troubled friend. “I’m just curious is all.” 

Tony sat up. Turning toward him with glossy eyes, it looked like he was thinking. But he wasn’t, he wasn’t when he grabbed both sides of his best friends face and kissed him. It was messy, and hard, and Tony hoped it might end until James started kissing him back. His stomach felt like the sound of a static TV, as he climbed on top of him and they fell backwards onto the bed. He didn’t know why he was doing it, he didn’t know why Rhodey didn’t stop, they both closed their eyes and sunk further into the blackness and each others lips.

Their legs mangled together, Tony was going to make a joke about his friends inexperienced harsh kisses but he physically couldn’t get the words to fall out of his mouth. 

They pulled apart, and finally saw eachother as best they could. Faces inches apart, Tony’s body pressed up against his unnaturally, and then a small nervous laugh came from Rhodey. Getting louder and louder until Tony joined him, he laughed breathily, forced because he might’ve cried otherwise, or thrown up. It was fine, as long as everyone thought he was fine. 

And like time was just a never ending stream of reoccurring events, a sudden wave of burning light entered the room. Their heads turning in sync, to see Natasha, and a Peppers tall slim shadow behind her. He sat up quickly, his head rushing around in circles, she cursed under her breath and walked out, Pepper following with a confused look of worry on her fair face.

Leaving Rhodey alone, he searched and scoured through the party, looking for something, someone. The lights were all the colours of the rainbow now, flashing, red, green, yellow, blue, in no particular order. He heard some random people calling his name, in the confusion, bumped into a familiar firm chest. When he saw Clints face, reflecting all of the colours his words flashed too. 

“You. We have a LOT to talk about. So here’s what I just found out-“

“Hey hey hey Tony um, not here, okay?” 

But he couldn’t think, not rationally anyway. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?! I mean, that was _you_? Better yet why didn’t Rhodey tell me, why didn’t Nat tell me.”

“Huh? I thought you knew.” 

Tony scoffed, feeling bile in his throat now. “You could’ve been Burt Reynolds and I wouldn’t have noticed, I was out of my mind!” 

His face turned red, “I think they didn’t wanna make it weird…”

“Well it is weird! Okay! _God_ , why can’t my friends just be _friends_? Why does everyone want that from me?!” 

He stumbled away so that Clint couldn’t get another word in, through the now blinding lights he tried to make his way to the door, everything moving too quick or not quick enough. He reached the door, or he thought he did.

Natasha stood square in front of him, looking almost as angry as he could’ve been. 

“What the hell is wrong with you? You told me you were supposedly seeing someone and then you go ahead and-“

 _No, no, no, no_ , did she see? He was only trying to help. “It’s not like tha-“

“I don’t care what’s up with you, don’t bring him into it. You can’t just mess people around like that!” 

If only Tony could think. “Just because you think no one catches on to you doesn’t mean I don’t. I see you and Pepper! But I know where you go after school and she wouldn’t feel great if she knew about that huh?!” 

Nat stared, angry, hurt. Tony managed to get around her, leaving out the door. The music becoming another distant thud. 

_Act 4 – Benzodiazepine_

The back of Tony’s head was banging incessantly against a hard wood door. He’d forgotten which door it was, staring down at a long narrow hallway, Chinese takeout boxes on the floor and beer bottles. He had fallen onto the floor, and perched himself up against the door. Maybe he had been hoping someone would open it. Thoughts of Rhodey, and Nat, and Clint, and pepper, all raced through his mind. If he was a normal friend, he would’ve said _You’ll have plenty of time to experiment in college, man_ ,he didn’t have to get involved, he didn’t have to handle it that that way. But of course, he was himself, and so he didn’t do it the normal way. Feeling like he’d ruined everything for good.

Suddenly, he fell backwards, groaning. The door had been opened and all his support gone. Fluttering eyelids tried to make out the scene around him, and then finally, he made out the bulking silhouette of Steve Rogers, he had a baseball bat in his hand. 

“Heyyyyyyy.” Tony raised his hand to his forehead, bumping it into his eye at first, positioning his fingers in mock salute. “Cap’n.” He lowered his voice as he dribbled out the name.

“Jeez!” Tony must’ve made him jump. He laid on the floor, uncomfortable, remembering where he had come. Steve was just in boxers and some old t shirt, leaning the baseball bag against a chair with a thud. “Gosh, Tony, it’s like 2am.” 

“Mmm you weren’t asleep though.” Steve tried to lift him up off of the ground, Tony like dead weight in his arms. “I can tell, I don’t sleep neither.” 

He heard Steve’s usual disgruntled sigh, for some reason it made him laugh giddily. “What are you doing here?” He managed to get Tony onto his feet, softly shutting the front door behind him.

“Wanted to see someone who didn’t hate me yet. Orrrr am I wrong? Do you hate me?” His lashes began to curl open slowly. “I’d hate me if I were you, I was such a dick to you, why don’t you hate me?”

With his strong hands holding onto Tony’s sides gently he tried to steady him, propping him against his kitchen counter. “You can be pain I’ll give you that but…” he ran a hand across his tired eyes. “I could never hate you.” 

“You’re too nice to me, I hate it. You’re that kind of nice like, ‘I know what’s best for you’ nice. And you’re so pretty. It makes me wanna punch you. And how, I just wanna be a better person when I’m around you, but I’m not. And I loved kissing you.”

Steve resisted the urge to smile, at Tony’s dozy eyes, his words falling out of his mouth. He never had a filter anyway, but this was that, multiplied. Still, he had to be responsible, and do it in a way that wouldn’t make Tony scream at him.

“How’d you get here? Hoping to God you didn’t drive yourself.”

“Hmm… Maybe James took me, but he was drinking. Oh, my friend James, not yours. Haha – sorry. I did kiss him, my friend, Rhodey, and some other people too.”

“Oh…” 

“Didn’t like it.” He mumbled. “I don’t think he did either.”

“You should probably get some sleep, it’s really la-“

Tony stumbled forwards into Steve’s hard, broad chest. His gangly, loose arms wrapped around his body. Steve groaned and tried to detach him, but it was like he was stuck. Then his arms wrapped tighter against him, Tony staying as still as he could. 

“Come on kid, let’s-“

Steve was cut off by the muffled sound of a sob. 

Tony’s hands grabbed onto Steve’s back, so very small in comparison, grabbing at him tighter like he was trying to feel for something real. Choking sobs into the depths of Steve’s rigid chest, uncontrollable cries and a few stray tears sinking into the mans shirt. Tony felt weightless in Steve’s arms, the feeling that he had completely let go, diminished himself into nothing, he wasn’t trying to stand tall and proud, he wasn’t trying to take up the whole room. Maybe it was just the influence he was under, but Tony had finally let himself fit into his size, curling up into Steve’s body.

Steve, at first, stood straight, unsure where to put his hands, he didn’t want to push him. He didn’t know what was acceptable. Placing tentative bands onto the back of Tony’s head, stroking his hair and whispering gentle notes to try and soothe him. 

It was uncomfortable, Tony never ever truly revealing himself like that to anyone. He wouldn’t if it weren’t for the drugs. But would he have done it with any other person? He didn’t know why he was crying, but he couldn’t stop, it felt more like a confession than anything else. “I just want people to accept me. The _real_ me.” 

For the most of it, the most uncomfortable part was how perfectly Tony fit in Steve’s arms, and how willing Steve was to be there for him, at 2am, on a Sunday morning.

He gently peeled Tony away, Tony looked up at him with red rimmed eyes and wet cheeks. 

“Come on, you can sleep in my bed.” Guiding a left footed Tony to a small in comparison to his own bed. Placing him down, he room spun as he looked up but he closed his eyes and suddenly it all came together, feeling the warmth as Steve pulled a thin blanket over him. Drifting in and out of consciousness, he heard the sound of Steve placing a bucket next to the bed. “That’s there if you need it. I recommended you do use it.” Tony half thought that Steve would climb in next to him, but from across the room he saw the man grabbing a blanket, and throwing some extra pillows onto the couch.

“I’m right here if you need me.”

Tony nodded, those being the last words he heard before he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took a little longer! Wanted to focus on tony And his relationships with those around him, and how he deals with situations presented to him :)   
> PS. all this new endgame content is killing me!!!!!!!!


	16. More Than You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”It's taken me a while to say  
>  Everything I wanna do here  
> 'Cause lately I've felt a change  
> Maybe there's a truth to fear  
> And it's all because of you  
> And I'll fight it 'cause you ask me too  
> And I'm losing something good  
> And I'm doing this for you_”  
> ~Fenne Lily

Tony woke up several times in the night. One time to throw up, and then another, much more viciously. Steve was there by his side for most of the night as the sun began to rise and the street lamps went dark, Tony, small and shaking, shivering in and out of layers of blankets in his sleep, not fully aware of where he was or what was going on, he wasn’t awake when he was awake, like he didn’t feel Steve rubbing circles into his back, and he didn’t hear him getting up over and over again to check he hadn’t overdosed in his deep state of unconscious. 

He finally awoke to the overly strong smell of coffee filling up his nose and the sound of a whistling tea kettle, his eyes almost glued together, peeling away to look around his dimly lit surroundings, shards of light shining through broken window blinds. He sat up as slowly as he could with a groan as the jarring sound came to an abrupt halt. Through watery eyes, blinking the room began to clear out, the moving figure in the kitchen outlined and turned into Steve Rogers, who immediately looked over to meet Tony’s gaze as he poured two mugs of coffee. 

“‘Mornin.” His voice was gruff, lacking sleep to match his tired eyes. 

Tony’s brow narrowed. “How- how did I get here?”

Steve walked over, extending his arm out to hand Tony a coffee. Black. “I’m hoping the people you were with had enough sense to put you in a cab.” 

Tony accepted the drink thoughtlessly. “No, no, I-“ he rubbed his eyes with his spare hand. “I got into a fight with… everyone. No I-“ he squinted and rubbed his head, trying to sift through his headache and into his memory. “Maybe I… walked?”

“You, walked all the way here without gettin’ stabbed or robbed?” Steve leaned against the wall, his sweats hanging low on his hips. “I doubt that, but at least you’re safe.” 

The boy looked around some more, until he finally noticed the thin blanket he was under. Slightly concerned, he lifted it to look at his lower half. “Did-“

“Whatever you’re about to suggest, no.” Steve interrupted, which he knew Tony hated, but he wouldn’t let him speak another word. “You were zonked out of your mind, didn’t know right from left from right or up from down and you’re the smartest person I know.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Tony grovelled, dropping the cover back onto his legs, frustrated at all he had forgotten since he left the party. 

“…How you feeling?” Steve watched Tony, carefully as he sipped at the hot beverage.

“Like a dump truck that rolled off a cliff into a giant pile of garbage, but I’ve been worse.” He placed his mug on the bedside table, cringing at the sound it made as it thudded. “Lord I bet I said a load of stupid crap last night.”

Steve looked at him thoughtfully, he thought about Tony’s sad, intoxicated eyes, his loud drunken rambles and how he fell into Steve’s arms and he got a glimmer into his soft defencelessness, how the drugs and the alcohol made him vulnerable, sobbing quietly. 

It was uncomfortable, the openness. He could tell Tony didn’t really cry, it was like all the drugs were an excuse to let whatever storm he had inside him out for a brief moment. But he wouldn’t remember it, and Steve didn’t want him to.

“No. You just came in and passed out.” Steve shrugged. “And threw up a few times.”

“Not the worst thing I’ve done, or that you’ll see me do.” Tony groaned some more as he stood up, shaking.

“You know I’m not really planning on this being a regular occurrence.” 

Tony smiled as he attempted to stand up straight, like he was trying to distract him. “Well, I can assure you it will be a one time thing but, I just so happened to show up at your place of all people. So…”

“Like when you were in jail and you just happened to call me out of anyone.” Steve had a way of tilting his head slightly to the side, and folding his arms in thought. He was staring at the black shadow cast under Tony’s eyes, and brown strands of hair falling around his face.

“Just like that.” Tony smiled, speaking casually as if his insides weren’t churning and his brain didn’t feel like it was in a microwave. “Hmm. Funny how that happens.”

Steve sighed, still smelling the liquor on Tony’s clothes. “This isn’t funny Tony. You really shouldn’t get like that. I mean drinking is one thing but you’re gonna end up killing yourself.”

Tony groaned out of annoyance rather than pain. “I’m fine.”

The older man shook his head, and Tony hated it, it wasn’t like he really knew best. “God, how many people do you give that line to and they just shut up and take it? It’s not fine.” They were both tired, too tired to argue. But Steve didn’t want to argue, they’d both done enough of that, he just didn’t want to see Tony that way again.

Or fear the pain of losing someone again.

So stubborn, Steve couldn’t forget how stubborn a sobering Tony was. It was one of things that drew him to the boy. “Look old man, I’ll survive. I always do.” He stared up at Steve. “Can I use your bathroom?” 

With a discontented sigh, Steve nodded. 

When Tony saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he almost didn’t recognise himself. He looked, smelled, quite frankly, like shit. He knew it too. He looked around for mouthwash, or a spare tooth brush, and then decided splashing his face with water wouldn’t help. Steve had a small shower, and it took Tony, the mechanic, a while to get it to turn on. The water came out yellow at first but to Tony’s gratitude it quickly became clear and scorching hot. 

He peeled his clothes from his body, thinking about how Steve was probably outside very confused and alarmed at his running shower. He stepped in, he turned the water cold – to wake him up. To hopefully remember everything he did last night, the drugs he took, the people he kissed, the fights, how he got to Steve’s, so in the shower as he slowly recovered, migraine still intact, he could chalk it all down to drunken mistakes and awful highs, and that the come down was the worst part.

It came back to him in parts, the details, just as water came raining down on his face. _”I thought you knew.”_ he rubbed his hand over his wet face, pushing his hair back .

 _”You can’t just mess people around like that._ ” He felt like he might be sick again. 

He stepped out of the shower, feeling as fresh as he possibly could. Wrapping a towel around his waist, if Steve saw him last night, cared for him when he was throwing up in his apartment, and everything else, he didn’t really have much left to hide. Holding the towel on his hips and carrying his clothes under his arm, hair dripping onto his exposed shoulders, he emerged from Steve’s bathroom feeling slightly less ill but filled with considerably more self hatred, at least he had completely blacked out by the time he got where he was. 

“You could’ve asked if you wanted to have a shower yo-“ The older man looked up from whatever he was writing in and had paused when he saw Tony. 

He shrugged his damp shoulders, aware of the effect he’d had on Steve, usually so composed and stoic, impenetrable. Steve saw Tony at the lake, how the sunlight reflected off of his boyish chest but things had changed since then, Steve had revealed himself to Tony, showed him he wasn’t just a kid, showed him what he wanted. 

The towel hung just low enough to expose his pale hip bones. And it occurred to both of them that this was the first time they’d seen each other since…

“I felt gross. You know your plumbing’s completely messed up right?” He strolled over, dropping his clothes onto the bed, as he did he noticed a blanket thrown over the couch and pillows, guessing that’s where Steve slept. He felt a little better.

“Comes with the building.” Steve coughed into a tight fist and tore his eyes away, he carried on twirling his pen into a notepad, leant over the island that separated the kitchen from the rest of his small apartment.

Tony’s footsteps sounded too loud, water sliding down his neck and his legs as he walked over to Steve’s side. He tilted his head to look at what he was doing. The air felt thick, although Tony was cold, trying not to shiver. Steve saw his lips were so red they almost turned purple. “Does anyone know I’m here?”

Steve didn’t allow his eyes to wander. “Not that I’m aware of.”

“You didn’t call my parents?” 

Steve shook his head, smiling slightly. “How would I explain that to them? Oh hi Howard Stark, Tony’s here, high, almost catatonic, why did he come to me? Oh well…” He locked onto Tony’s wet lashes, how they moved to the side with his head curiously to provoke him. “That’s a long story.” He swallowed.

Responsibility was an easy guise when you were supposed to be ‘the adult’. The sensible one, the one with all the self control, the dog that sat and sat and sat, waiting patiently for a treat. It’s easy to say ‘don’t do drugs’ just because you aren’t doing them, and pretend that that makes you more responsible for the actions of those around you. It’s easy to say ‘do better’ when you’re the responsible one, because people assume your actions are always just. But Tony knew, the responsible one would’ve called his parents, no matter how late, told the, about their fuck up son and done it all under the guise that they were helping, responsibly. 

“Sure.” Tony said simply. “Thanks I guess.”

Steve probably told himself he was being responsible when he stopped kissing Tony to answer that phone call, when he bailed him out of jail and didn’t tell his parents. He could see in his eyes, the will it took him not to devour Tony right then and there, soaking wet, the only thing between them being air and Tony’s hand loosely holding up a thin, coarse towel. He was probably thinking about morals, that it wasn’t right, he wasn’t being sensible. He has let himself go once before and he’d become cautious not to let it happen again. 

After last night, Tony realised his morals had become blurred. And that created problems, but his biggest problem was that everything with Steve was becoming much clearer. His head still felt woozy.

“Still.” Tony begun, leaning on the counter beside Steve. “You didn’t have to help me out last night.” 

“I wanted to. I needed to, I couldn’t just throw you out on the street.”

Steve’s need to have Tony’s back had gone past the realm of authoritarian responsibility.

“My friends would’ve.” He put it bluntly. “Are you like this with everyone or am I just special?” Tony gleamed, grinning, it made his lobes hurt, yet he let himself enjoy teasing the man. 

Steve had been tapping his pen against the corner of his mouth, he stopped and dropped it onto the counter with a sly smile as he shook his head. “I don’t usually get drunk millionaires on my doorstep.”

“Oh, really? Wouldn’t have guessed.” He grinned in a sarcastic tone. 

“Glad you’re feeling better.” Physically, Tony was barely holding himself up, but Steve had helped him enough already. Tony nodded with a quick ‘yeah’. The air carried their silence for a while, for as long as Tony could take. 

“Anyway.” Tony rolled his neck, stretching in front of Steve before turning and walking toward the bed again. “Call me sometime, I can take a look at your Uh…” Looking over his shoulder with a slight smirk, suddenly feeling himself again. “Pipe problem.”

Steve visibly blushed, surprised and attacked by Tony’s sudden and unexpected abruptness, thankfully he turned around to look at his clothes, leaving Steve hanging on his random flirtation, what made it worse was that Tony probably found it funny. 

“Hey can I borrow a shirt? Mine smells funky.” He called over as if he hadn’t said anything, as if Steve hadn’t been standing there trying to retain himself. 

Steve almost rushed to his closet and grabbed a plain blue tee, chucking it in Tony’s direction. 

“You wanna change out here, cuz I can-“ 

“I’ll change in the bathroom. I don’t wanna offend your delicate sensibilities.” Tony scooped up all of the clothing, leaving behind his worn shirt. 

Okay. Steve did find it hard to be responsible. But it was only since Tony came in to his life. Trouble.

As Tony finally put some clothes on. Steve thought. It was weird, having someone fill his apartment. His living space was always so empty, never completely home. But having someone sleep in his bed, use his shower… Tony walked around with authority, even if he was drunk or hungover or vulnerable. Steve enjoyed his presence,.

Tony, alone in the bathroom, though about how he had to go to school tomorrow and see all his friends. And he longed to stay with Steve longer, which puzzled him, he had pushed those who cared about him away, and no matter how hard he pushed Steve he just wouldn’t budge.

Steve’s shirt hung a little too loosely on Tony’s shorter, smaller frame, only working to make him look smaller. He came out of the bathroom ruffling his hair with the towel, not bothering to hold his jeans up with a belt. Small patches of water from his wet hair formed on his shoulders, little navy puddles spilling down his back. 

“Hey, Tony.”

“Mmm?”

“Seriously, how you feeling?”

“Get off my back will ya? I’m as fresh as a daisy thanks to your _amazing_ water pressure. Seriously you should let me look at that.” He winced as he dropped the towel, it slid down his arm. 

Steve squinted and walked over, only now noticing the long cut on Tony’s arm. “Woah woah how’d that happen? How’d I not see that last night.”

He yanked his arm away from view, turning defensively. “Nothin. Don’t worry about it. God why does everyone ask that?” 

“I’m concerned is all. What, are you running into walls or something? I’ve never met someone so accident prone and I was in the military.” He tried to reach for Tony’s arm.

“Were you? I didn’t know.” Tony rolled his eyes, eventually letting Steve take a look at his forearm, he held onto his wrist gently, like he was scared he’d break it. “I got it looked at by a nurse.” He muttered, his irritation that had been slowly building up inside him throughout the morning nearly fluttered out of his chest as Steve touched him. Steve’s eyes observed Tony’s skin carefully.

Steve didn’t let go, he was looking at Tony, at his face, and Tony was looking back.

“You gonna stitch me up doc or can I have my arm back?” He smirked, and Steve let go.

“I’m just worried. I don’t even know how you’re standing right now.” 

“I have my ways.” He folded up his arms and tilted his head with a smile, pulling in Steve’s attention. “I appreciate the concern but I don’t need it.” 

“Then why are you here?”

“…Quit analysing me.”

“You were the one who said you came here out of anyone else.” Steve held out his hand, smiling as Tony screwed up his face. He balled up his small hands into fists and hit Steve’s chest with a gentle thud. 

“I swear to God stop it-“

Steve chuckled, freely, as he could, holding up his hands. “Easy there tough guy.”

The corner of Tony’s lips curved into a smile, “I shouldn’t have done that, I just made my head way worse. Ugh.” He rubbed the corner of his forehead, pushing away strands of damp hair, feeling himself drawn closer to Steve. “But I would fight you if I wanted to, so I would cut it out if I were you.” 

“You’ll fight me or you’ll get daddies bodyguards to do it?” He teased, Tony squinted.

“I’m too sick to do this right now, but if I wasn’t, then you know, you’ve been warned.” 

Steve dropped his hands to his sides, his laughter fading. “You really should rest Tony.” He said fondly. “I’ll drive you home.”

“You want me gone that badly?” 

“No no. It’s not that at all.” His voice became quieter, Tony’s plush lips teased at a smile, Steve admired how delicate he looked in his shirt, the way it didn’t fit his frame and fell off of his muscles loosely. 

Steve took Tony back to the Stark mansion on the back of his motorcycle after a brief argument about whether would throw up again and that he should really get a cab. Tony squeezed his eyes shut the whole time, his arms wrapped tightly around Steve’s chest as he tried not to fall into the motion, thinking about the man he was holding, thinking about his friends, his father, as the wind blew through his hair and made his eyes water. 

Steve held onto Tony, helping him off the back of the vehicle, sharing small goodbyes. 

“Hey Tony.”

Tony sighed. “Yuh?”

“Take care of yourself.” 

“Yeah, yeah, we’re still on for that brawl.” Tony smirked, and Steve smirked back, before driving away down the narrow suburbs and into the city.

Tony felt strange to say the least, and nauseous. He’d realised that Steve had his back and more than that, that he did care about him. Even after Tony had called him the previous morning, looking for some kind of fight or resolution to their kiss, the man took care of him, didn’t take advantage, even when he felt like he had no one but himself.

His mother wasn’t home, he walked past his fathers office hoping to avoid him, he was successful. 

He sat on his bed knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep. In an effort get Steve off of his mind, he called Rhodey.

No answer.

He decided to call Nat, and try and get her to stop being mad at him.

No answer. 

With no luck, and not being the one to try twice. He had the urge to call Steve. He was probably still driving him. What was wrong with him? He didn’t do this, he didn’t even think of this. He felt like a desperate girl trying to reach a one night stand that never happened. So he left it all together, and tried to force himself to sleep. 

The walls of his bedroom felt significantly empty. His eyes wandering around them as he tried to get even a portion of rest. He was disturbed. Disturbed by his thoughts, and his feelings, by what he’d done and by what he wanted to do. He’d pushed his friends away. Maybe he couldn’t push anymore. 

In many ways, Tony wanted to be like Steve. Strong, resilient. He never backed down from a fight, even with Tony, he’d gotten so used to everyone just getting tired of him, letting him win, shutting up when he walked into a room. Steve didn’t need to talk to take up space, he just did, he just made Tony feel like he had to be a better person. 

Maybe that’s why he went to Steve’s. He kissed his best friend, yelled at his other friend and… to Natasha, he didn’t mean to be so forthright. It happened though, so what was he supposed to do about it? Apologise? He was drunk, and high, it happens, no need to bring feelings into it or, whatever.

Steve would apologise, he would realise his mistakes, he would take the responsibility as he always did or tried to do. 

He got tired of laying in his bed and thinking. Rising to his feet, his head thumped in his stomach as he did. Exploring the spiral staircase down to the kitchen where he would find himself a drink, but he heard voices chattering in the dining room. Whoever it was, he wasn’t in the mood for any of them, his mind was too smokey, confusing everything all the more. 

Curiously, he wandered through, where he saw his father sat around the table with a couple of suited men, all of them holding small glasses of whiskey, acting important. One of them Tony recognised from the charity ball, and internally groaned. He wasn’t good with faces but he could remember the distinct feeling of his large greedy hands on his shoulders and his breath that smelled of champagne and cigars. 

“Look who finally decided to show his face.” Howard muttered in Tony’s direction. 

“I’m not staying, so you can carry on talking about business… stuff.”

“You should stay and listen, you’ll need to know this one day.” The man turned to Tony and smiled, Tony forced a wide, insincere smile. When the man turned his head he revealed a large yellow blotch under his right eye. 

“We were actually talking about that awful Iraqi attack on one our warships. 37 men dead, terrible stuff.” Tony watched Howard talk into his drink. “The frigate was called the Stark no less.” Tony wanted to roll his eyes. 

“Say, was that Rogers character Navy?” The darker man sat opposite the table tilted his head and leant back in his chair.

Tony’s ears perked up. “No.” He blurted out. 

“I tell you, I didn’t drink all that much that night but I swear that man right hooked me.” Tony didn’t know the creepy douchebags name. Let’s call him creepy douchebag. Creepy douchebag laughed, Howard and the other man shook their heads. Tony was now more intrigued. “Knocked me straight to the ground.”

“Steve’s not that kind of man. You’re probably confused.” Howard waved his hands dismissively, similar to what he often did to Tony, but he wasn’t paying attention to him.

“Yeah, What makes you say that? I mean, Steve wouldn’t just randomly punch a guy right? Unless he deserved it.” Tony spoke up, Howard shot him a warning look. Like someone in his head was sifting through the smoke, his eyes followed the conversation, his intrigue turning to a realisation.

Creepy douchebag had his thumb against his lip, his eyes darting back and forth in Tony’s direction. He knew, they both knew. 

“Hell, maybe I got the wrong guy…”

But something in Tony told him he hadn’t, like the smoke had cleared. The smoke, the drugs, the alcohol, none of it mattered as nets finally all became clearer, falling into place with sober little pieces of some grand scheme and mass problem that his life had become. It wasn’t just playful flirting to disguise the self hatred and anger and frustration building up a fire in your soul or getting so fucked that you can’t see straight just so everything that makes no sense doesn’t matter because nothing makes sense. No matter how much Tony tried to push it all away, push them all away, try and stop and control whatever was lingering underneath the smoke, the truth, the smell, always rises to the top. 

He knew that Steve was not that kind of man, to start a fight for no reason, he fought for what was right. 

The smoke had cleared, and all became clearer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who’s got their endgame tickets??????


	17. Seven Devils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”Holy water cannot help you now  
>  See I've had to burn your kingdom down  
> And no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out  
> I'm gonna raise the stakes, I'm gonna smoke you out  
> Seven devils all around you  
> Seven devils in my house  
> See they were there when I woke up this morning  
> I'll be dead before the day is done_  
> ~Florence And The Machine

It was a particularly rainy spring afternoon. The faux grass in the courtyard of the school still proved to be pretty convincing as muddy shoes trudged through the hallways, and smartly dressed boys with too much time on their hands flicked dirt from their feet and the ankles around the bathrooms making trouble for the janitor. Tony had been lucky, he hadn’t had any classes with any of his friends all morning, but knew he was screwed by lunchtime, dreading the strained conversation and awkwardness as much as he dreaded Steve coming to his home later that evening to tutor him as if everything was normal. 

Considering he hadn’t seen or heard from Rhodey, Nat or Clint since the party, seeing Rhodey sat alone at a long table in the food court, realising he had made accidental eye contact with Tony and beckoned him over with a reluctant hand. The food court was a grand hall with two stories, as soon as the lunch bell rang most people poured in, filling it up, finding their cliques and talking about meaningless things to make the days go by. Tony and his friends usually went outside to smoke but the rain confined them to the hall with everyone else, cramped up even closer together by people. 

Tony sat opposite his friend, who put down his food. Tony hadn’t brought anything, tension suppressed his appetite enough. 

“Geez, someone needs to tell the guys in here that expensive cologne is not a suitable replacement for deodorant. My eyes are burning.” His voice was loud as he rested his elbows upon the hard bench.

James forcefully laughed, looking thoughtfully at Tony. The two boys shared a brief, and thoughtful glance, Tony noticed his friends dark Adam’s apple bouncing up and down as he swallowed. Suddenly Rhodey shrugged his uniformed shoulders, looking around the hall, a boy on the table next to them had one foot on a chair as if that was a casual position, imposing himself on a yellow haired girl trying to eat a croissant.

“Yeah- and that everyone can see the socks shoved down their pants.” 

Tony allowed himself to smile a little more, sitting up in the seat and trying to engage in the co versatile quickly before it swindled. “Oh my god, I just had the best idea.”

“Here we go.”

“You know like how girls have those big push up bras?”

“You’ve seen a bra?”

“Shut up, listen listen-“

“I know where this is going.” 

“Hey you were the one who brought up guys junk, not me.”

“Shut up.” 

“I mean, you have got an affliction n’ all.”

“Tony.”

“I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if-“

“Tony.”

“James.”

 _’You went too far, again. Gee, will you ever learn?’_ Staring at each other from across the table, Rhodey’s face a mixture of embarrassment and anger as he tried to hide it. In Tony’s defence, what was he supposed to do? Just ignore it, act like nothing happened? Just let everything be awkward forever? And have one of his very few true friendships just become some measly acquaintance. 

“Look. We were drunk. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.” Tony looked over at his friend, his eyes were pleading and serious, for a brief moment, and then he reclined back and just shrugged, like everything was normal. And he wasn’t slipping on ice trying desperately to stay up right, but he felt like his shoes were burning a hole in the floor.

Yes, he would act like everything was fine, and that he didn’t feel sick with himself, and that he didn’t feel sick with his friend for kissing him back. 

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

But Tony’s mouth would run too much as it often did as his mind tried desperately to make everything okay, while simultaneously trying to act as if he was confident enough in the encounter to shrug it off.

“Yeah. Exactly. I mean, if anyone’s to blame it’s you, you totally came on to me.” 

James glared from across the table. Then he shook his head, like he had had enough, scoffing. “Yeah, you wish.” 

Tony smiled, but it wasn’t light, it was a small, grateful smile of slight relief. Relief that he hadn’t pushed him away completely. Even if what they had was hanging onto a thread off of the tip of his fingers, he could hang onto that. 

Rhodey ate his food quietly, as Tony picked at stuff from his plate despite his friends complaints. Tony hated the food hall with every waking moment and his current circumstances did make it worse. As if he weren’t already irritated, peoples bags bumping against his back as more and more people tried to squeeze past behind him and gather around tables where the seats were already taken, the frat boys all laughing together too loud trying to see who could be the loudest in some kind of attempt to assert their dominance over everyone else in the room. 

“Where’d you even end up that night Tony? I got worried but I didn’t…”

“Call? Why- cause you were feeling all flustered?” Tony mumbled as he chewed on a french fry he stole from his friends tray.

“Will you quit it? Seriously.”

“Not with that attitude I won’t.” He said frankly. “I… just went home. Whatever.” It was obvious to both of them. But neither of them were in the mood to divulge. Tony had tried his best ever since not to think of Steve and he wanted to keep it that way. 

Rhodey looked up from his food like something had drawn his attention, Tony’s ever curious eyes followed to see Natasha approaching the table, Clint following behind her. Neither of them looked at him as they sat around the table. 

He felt sick again, looking at them all, they’re strained faces, as he realised he caused this. There was never normal with them, but when they were together they were all comfortable in their relative normlessness, but in the over filled food court, the noise, the side glances to one another, he felt hot, like he was about to start falling through the ice.

Nat sat beside Tony, her arms prompted up on the table, crossed over one another. She said hello, but she looked at Rhodey when she said it. Suddenly, it was like all the chatter and shouting in the hall had been muffled, the overbearing presence of all that happened at the party seemed to be loud enough for all of them to hear it, and it showed, in the way they all sat like they were sound a little tight, it made Tony want to scream over it. But he wouldn’t, because it was his fault anyway. 

“Tony?”

He’d been brought back to reality, the bellowing of the crowd fading back in. They had been talking, but his mind couldn’t help but focus on his not right everything was and how it was all because of him. He shook his head and hummed at Rhodey after his voice called his name. Out of the corner of his eye, Nat was rolling her eyes at his obliviousness, but not fondly as she usually would, he tried to ignore it.

“Clint was asking if you’re coming to the game tonight.” 

“Oh, was he? It’s just so loud in here.” Tony passed Clint a placid smile, he didn’t want to smile at him especially after his revelation last night, but it was easier to pass it all off as drunken mistakes and stories to laugh about in ten years time, after they all drift apart and find each other at some bar or some charity gig. No matter if it made him feel used and a little gross, he’d done it to himself, all of it. He’d made people think that he was the type of guy who would get with anyone, and just pass it all off with the wave of a hand and smile, he’d almost ruined that at the party when he’d confronted Clint, when he yelled at Nat.

_’You can’t just mess people around like that.’_

“I’d love to.” He lied, scratching the back of his head. “But I got a thing – the tutor. Can’t get out of it.” 

He couldn’t get out of any of it.

“You playing?” Tony asked, and tried to make eye contact with Clint. He wasn’t _really_ asking, but he had to keep everyone talking, so they didn’t catch him slipping again, so that they thought everything was okay.

“Yeah. Linebacker. Like always.” He put it bluntly, the tinge of sarcasm under his tongue.

“Right. Well, break a leg? Sorry I’m not well versed in football lingo – What’s it called when they throw the ball all the way across —“

“Hail Mary.” Rhodey inserted himself to try and fill Tony’s thinking silence. He was the only one who really responded to his signals, even when they weren’t on flatlands.

“—Yeah, that.”

“That’s a quarterback move.” Nat finally spoke up.

“Oh.”

He’d run out of words to say. They were all silent, background noise came to the front in their place.

“This is awkward.” Clint spoke, Rhodey gave him a look, but he didn’t try and refute it, none of them did.

“Yeah, I wonder why.” Nat got up out of her chair, with a huff, carrying her annoyance on her pursed lips, she walked off alone without another word, she never had to squeeze past people, they all just seemed to gravitate around her when she walked, her school skirt was always a little too short and rode up when she walked. Tony thought she did it on purpose, but pretended she didn’t. 

He focused on her walking away, so he didn’t have to think about the reason why. 

“Geez. I knew she was mad, I didn’t realise she was that mad.” Rhodey’s voice made Tony Look back to the table, and not at the crowd where she had disappeared into. 

Tony didn’t say anything. 

“Tony, don’t you have class with her next?”

“Yup.” 

He sighed. He barely talked through the rest of lunch, blaming it on a headache. When the bell rang, he made an excuse that he had to go to the bathroom so that he didn’t have to walk with anyone. He always found that awkward situations were always made worse when walking, it was just like slowly squeezing out the last drop of pathetic-ness until you could finally breathe.

Last class of the day was drama. Which was honestly pointless to him, he didn’t want to be actor. Just like history. Tony had been allowed to do his masters as long as he graduated high school alongside everyone else, he couldn’t wait until then, so that he could go to MIT with Rhodey and focus on studying what he really, truly loved and thrived at. A lot of the time he thought his father making him continue with menial classes and subjects that didn’t matter to him or his future was just a way of hindering his progress, Tony knew he had already exceeded his father, and that he was bitter about it, and it showed. 

Maybe he could be an actor, he liked the attention, he already wore so many masks that he forgot which ones he presented to any one person at one time, and when that mask was necessary. Howard would hate it, when Tony was growing up, the only thing on TV he was allowed to watch besides documentaries was Star Trek. Sometimes his mother would sit with him and play old movies she liked from the time she was growing up, bickering with Howard that if she was there, he could watch whatever she was watching, like the time they were watching A Streetcar Named Desire. Anyhow, Howard often discouraged Tony from doing just about anything that wasn’t revolved around engineering, inventing. At one particular point during his childhood, Tony asked Howard if he could take up dancing, it was after a trip to London and his mother took him to the Royal Ballet, Howard laughed in his face. 

Howard didn’t want Tony to be anything short of what he wanted him to be. Yet he made him do what he thought was pointless, a waste of time, like some bitter insult about his ability. 

The class was in a medium sized room, large windows with white panels covering almost every wall, there were no chairs, except for a stool that his teacher would use, he was a young-ish, brunet bearded man who often wore ugly grey sweaters, that contrasted with the way he buzzed about the room eccentrically. Tony thought he was on drugs, and that he’d have to be, he didn’t think badly about much things, but he could never be a teacher, having to deal with boys like himself. 

There were a few students in there already, sitting on the cream vinyl floor in circles, quietly talking amongst themselves. Nat was sat alone, her legs crossed, skirt dipping down between her legs, her red hair fell over her cheeks as she looked down at a book, her fingers slipping through the pages. She looked up when the door shut behind Tony and the rest of the students filling up the room, then quickly looked back down as if she hadn’t seen him at all. 

Feeling irritated, and a little rejected, he decided to sit on the floor away from everyone, but made sure to smile at his peers as he walked past their groups so that wouldn’t think anything was wrong, or try and ask him about it. Too many a time has Tony accidentally conveyed his annoyance while walking through the halls and peppy bright eyed girls have pulled him to one side, manicured fingers wrapped round his blazer asking if he was okay. 

_”I’m always okay, sweetheart.”_ was his response, almost every time. 

He hated the feeling that others were disappointed in him. Being so used to it, growing up with his father, Tony just wanted to please people, he didn’t want to see that look of disdain across the faces of the people he loved but one way or another, it always seemed to happen, the ugly grimace or aversion of their eyes. Dismissive, repulsed. Sometimes he felt like he wasn’t allowed to be upset about the way people treated him. His friends hurt him, lie to him, attack him, he does it back, he’s a monster. His father…

His mother always tried to tell him that that wasn’t who he really was. And that he did love Tony. And she tried to explain to him that he shouldn’t argue back, he shouldn’t provoke him. 

The teacher began talking, loudly at the class, Tony picked at skin around his nails and thought about his current position in the world. The horrible awkwardness with the only people he trusted, Natasha’s anger, his fathers face when Tony dropped his screwdriver in the lab one time, how he snapped - _”utterly useless boy!_ ”. 

He thought about Steve. And how he’d spent so long attacking him, teasing him, trying to provoke him the same way he would to his father. And how he still defended him, looked out for him, cared for him. 

“Tony, you still with us?” Mr Barden said in that loud, abrasive voice, causing him to lift out of his thoughts, and causing the students in front of him to turn their heads in unison. 

He just nodded, pulling his knees up to his chest. He hated sitting on the floor.

“You’re being quiet today. That’s not like you.” He turned his head to the side, it seemed more like he was scolding him than concern. “Anyway. Today we’re gonna do some improv. We’ve been spending too much time from scripts I thought it would be good to get creative.” He slapped his hands together, which nearly covered the sounds of his peers groans.

Mr Barden picked out a few kids at random. They played out a scenario, one guy confronts his partner and their mistress. Fairly simple. Tony found it quite amusing, watching them awkwardly try and think of ways to carry on an argument to keep the teacher satisfied, he was also sure two of them were actually sleeping together, which made it funnier to him. 

It got to the point where the forced conversation and strained acting ability dwindled until they all just stood at the front of everybody, rocking back and forth on their feet. The teacher sighed, getting up off the stool and waving them all away. “Okay, okay. Who will I pick next.” He surveyed the heads dotted around the floor, all avoiding eye contact so that they wouldn’t be chosen. “Tony, I wanna hear from you, come on up.” His tone was inviting but it didn’t make it any less aggravating. 

He rose to his feet and stood in front of everyone, a faint smile across his lips, and his hands in his pockets, he didn’t know what else to do with them otherwise.

“Aaand I think I’ll partner you with…” he extends his arm out, pointing into the small sea of blazers. “Natasha. Please. Come up here.” Tony could see her trying not protest, walking to the front of the class slowly, her lips tightly together. She left space between Tony and herself as Mr Barden sat on his stool, crossing one leg over the other. 

His chest felt tight. 

“I think… Hmm. Let’s go for something easy.” Tony did not appreciate the teacher dragging this out, if he was aware of it or not. “Tony, lets say you’ve been accused of stealing from a store and – Natasha, you’re the shop owner.” He left it at, and sat back, holding his legs by his knees.

Tony coughed and looked at Natasha expectantly. She was staring back at him. 

“Hey there. I think I saw you steal something.” She started, emphasising each word as she spoke.

“Well you must’ve got the wrong person. I paid for these…” Tony thought and held up his hand. “Olives.” 

She shut her eyes, sighing deeply. If Tony knew any better it might’ve looked like she was trying not to smile. 

“I’d like to see your receipt then. Please.” 

Tony groaned and wiped a hand across his face. “Can I stop? This is stupid.” He looked at his teacher, who passed him a nonplussed expression.

“I’d like you to continue please.”

“Fine.” He sighed and turned back to her. “I don’t ask for receipts. It’s bad for the environment.” 

“I don’t think you care about the environment. I think you stole the olives.” 

“Prove it.” 

They turned their bodies to face eachother. Natasha wasn’t petty, nor was she the type to hold grudges, or indulge in drama. Something Tony said or did must’ve really stirred her.

“I don’t need proof. I just think that that’s something you would do.”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because you just take and do whatever you want.”

Tony’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t know me at all.” He looked around the class, their eyes on him, the couple that had been flirting in the back were even looking. “Or… the olives.”

“I think I know my olives quite well. Thank you.”

“Well obviously not. So are you gonna call the cops?”

“I don’t need them.”

“You don’t need them, or you’re scared you’re wrong for once?”

He saw anger flare up in her face, she straightened her shoulders, he could hear her breathing through her nose. 

“I’m not wrong. You are.”

“At least I know when I’m wrong. You act like you’re always innocent, and I’m the bad guy!”

“You’re full of crap!” 

“No you’re the one full of crap! You sit there behind your cash register and you judge me! I paid!”

“Maybe if you weren’t so weird about… olives - I wouldn’t think of you like this, but me, and everyone else in this – store, thinks so!”

“I’m weird? You’re the one with all the secrets. Maybe if you didn’t hide everything from everyone else, they wouldn’t walk around you on eggshells, and you wouldn’t think they’re all stealing!”

“Maybe if you weren’t such an inconsiderate jerk, people wouldn’t think you’re a thief.” 

“Screw you!” He took a shaky breath, remembering where he was once again. “And your olives.” 

He looked down at the floor, feeling slightly ashamed with himself. Neither of them spoke, just standing next to each other, angry and out of place. 

The students sat around them on the floor began to clap, slowly and unsurely. Tony sighed to himself, feeling a genuine headache from. 

“Um. Okay, thanks guys. You can take a seat now.” The teacher stood, placing a hand on Tony’s back to usher him away. 

Tony went and sat on the floor in the back of the room. Quickly trying to move on, the teacher picked out some more students, and the rest of the lesson continued as such. Him and Nat didn’t look at each other, but he could feel her frustration from across the room, and he was sure she felt the same. 

At the end of the hour, when the final bell rang to mark the end of the school day. Natasha and Tony both headed for the door as soon as they could. Nat made it out the door first, and Tony tried to catch up with her. 

“Hey. Wait up.” He tried not to call too loudly.

With a huff of annoyance, she turned to him, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the nearest supply closet.

The room was dark and smelled of bleach, he bumped into some cabinets and caused a mop to fall over as she practically pushed him inside, shutting the door gently behind her.

“Great, people are gonna think we’re fucking.” He moaned, she crossed her arms, not saying anything. “Have you got something you wanna say to me, Romanoff? Because I’m tired of this.”

“I think you have something you want to say to me. What do you know about me?”

He blinked. “Hang on. What does this have to do with Rhodey?”

“It’s not about Rhodey. He talked to me, told me what happened, cool, you guys are like bum buddies now, whatever. But you… you know what you said.”

Tony felt uncomfortable seeing her like this, so unsure of herself. She usually seemed so competent, completely controlling her surroundings wherever she went, other girls looked at her and wished they could be as confident, so independent. 

He saw control fading in her eyes, the same powerless stare he also branded far too often.

Tony was very drunk, and high, and upset, when he argued with Natasha. He in fact had his own secrets, because he believed them to be hers. Knowing she wasn’t very open about her life, her family, (Tony had never once been to Natasha’s home). One night, before Tony had even met Steve, he was driving around the city with a boy he’d met at a bar, who was only slightly older. He didn’t often go out on week days, especially after school, there must’ve been some small reason that he did but it seemed insignificant now. The main part he remembered about the entire encounter was driving through Hells Kitchen, it had gotten dark early, it was the beginning of winter, the street lamps turned on earlier and the streets quieter. Him and the boy, whose name he’d forgotten, parked on the side of a dark, dingy road to ‘talk’.

Tony had looked across the street, there was a club. Not the kind of place he would go, there were only a few cars parked outside, her remembers the bouncer was talking on a pay phone and smoking instead of minding the door. There were bright neon signs hanging off of every wall, he didn’t pay attention to what they said but he remembered one, a long legged outline of a woman, kicking back and forth, the ones that hung outside of stores that one would commit social suicide if seen inside. 

At first, he didn’t think anything of it, there were a lot of clubs like it in this part of town. It was the kind of place where he could meet guys in secret and people wouldn’t openly talk about it just rumours. The kind of place where he saw Steve, and Steve saw him…

He’d looked out the window, and saw a girl walking out of the club. Again, he didn’t really think anything of it, until he saw her orange hair tied back into a short ponytail, and red painted lips, carrying a large backpack and wearing simple, baggy clothing. He had to squint to see her in the darkness, but as she walked closer to the car, and began to light up under flickering street lamps, he knew he saw her, Natasha.

The boys hand was on his thigh, but he was so overcome by this revelation he’d quickly started off the car and drove away down the street, despite his protests. 

So Tony, overwhelmed with curiosity and worry, drove to Hell’s Kitchen every night for a week after school, at around the same time to see if it was really her. At around the same time, his father had hired Steve, and… He got distracted.

Tony felt anxiety rising up and down in his stomach, hot as he explained it to her. He looked at her wide eyes, which never gave anything away, and half thought she might gave a dustpan from the shelf and whack him over the head with it for making such an assumption. 

She looked toward the light switch on the wall suddenly. A distant look on her face, her arms wrapping tighter and tighter around herself. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

With a scoff, Tony held out his hands in disbelief. “Oh come on. Why else would you be acting like this?” 

“Maybe because you were a jerk about it.”

She wasn’t wrong. “I… I was drunk – I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” 

“…Have you told anyone?”

“It wasn’t mine to tell.”

“Mhm.” She nodded, she did believe him. 

“I don’t know if you already know this, but it’s not normal for a high schooler to be in that kind of place.” He was unsure of the words as they came out.

“Who are you to talk to me about normal, Tony? You’ve made out with both of your best friends in less than a couple of months, any opportunity you get to get drunk or snort a line up your nose you take it and you’ve got this weird thing with your tutor. Don’t think we didn’t notice that night at your house. Don’t try and talk to me about normal – about secrets, when you’re practically the reigning king of leading the opposite of a normal ‘high school’ life. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Tony realised this was probably the most real he’d seen Natasha. It only served to worsen the uneasiness in his stomach.

“Woah, okay. You’ve got a ‘weird’ thing with Pepper and you don’t see me pointing it out.”

“You did, actually.”

“You’re right, I did.” 

She didn’t respond. 

“Can I just ask one thing?” 

“Not really.”

“Why do you do it?”

She glared at him, maybe to try and hide how much she was thinking. With one swift movement, she turned around and opened the door, storming down the hall way. People in the hall gave them weird looks as Tony followed, he heard one guy jeer at them, and internally groaned.

“Great. What have I done now?” He tried not to raise his voice but the frustration seemed through.

“It’s none of your god damn business Tony.”

“I wanna help. I want you to stop thinking I’m a prick.” 

He followed her out to her car, she tried to get inside it as quickly as she could possibly get the keys into the door.

“Save it. Leave me alone.” 

She got in her car, and Tony thought if he didn’t move out the way she’d probably mow him down where he stood.

-

Tony has changed into a long sleeve tee and jeans when he got home, he liked looking smart but he hated wearing ties when he was irritated, it was like they suddenly began choking him, restricting around his neck. And he still had time before Steve arrived. So it was fine.

Fine. 

The events of the day combined with the raging mix of emotions coursing through the heat of his veins made him feel like his blood was itching, scratching for a way out of his skin, he wasn’t just irritated, he was on the verge of completely combusting. He had a vein in his neck that stuck out when he felt like that, his mother often pointed it out teasingly to try and calm him down after fights with his father. 

After getting changed, he slumped himself down the winding stairwell. He came down to his father, sitting on the couch, his legs spread. He was watching the news, they were talking about the Chernobyl crisis, Tony was interested in finding out what was happening, the aftermath, but he didn’t want to sit next Howard, he already felt like he was about to explode, he didn’t want to make it nuclear.

“I thought we weren’t allowed to sit on our asses around here.” Tony muttered as he walked by to set up the table for him and Steve. Dropping his textbooks from such a height so it would make a loud noise on the mahogany.

“I’ve earned it. What have you done? And stop making such a racket.” His voice was always stern, but he seemed like he was in an especially bad mood. It wasn’t to match well with Tony’s.

Tony rolled his eyes as he turned his back on his father. “Where’s mom?”

“Out.” 

“Let me guess, you upset her. Why am I not surprised.”

It didn’t take very long. Howard shut the tv off and rose to his feet.

“Excuse me.”

“I’m only saying this cuz’ she’s not here. You can do what you want to me, dad, just leave her out of it. You guys act like I don’t hear you yelling over each other whenever you come home, when you do come home.”

Tony didn’t know where his brashness had come from, probably the anger, the resentment, the frustration. He stared at Howard. His eyes wide. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew he should stop. He knew he’d regret it later.

Howard walked up to Tony. It felt like his nose was inches away from his own, his breath smelled like whiskey, and cigars. 

“Just who do you think you’re talking to boy? Because it sure as hell ain’t me.”

“You’ve been drinking. That’s a little hypocritical don’t you think? Jesus Dad, it’s 5:30.” 

He glares. “And What are you, huh? My son, thinking he’s above me. Without me, Anthony, you’re nothing. No one. You seem to forget.”

Tony’s jaw trembled, he clenched his fists tightly by his sides. His father continued.

“You come in here and you speak to me like that. You should be more like that Steve, learn some manners, some respect, for authority. You be grateful I don’t get you enlisted so they can whip you into shape. Come in here talking to me like that. All I do for y-“

He stopped as Tony broke into a bitter laugh, his eyes were red. The sickness and frustration in his stomach had turn to flames, the heat in his veins burned.

“Like Steve? Okay. Okay dad.” 

Like that, Tony took off, around his father, grabbing his keys from the ornate bowl by the door. 

“Where on God’s green earth are you going? Your tutor will be here soon.”

“Nowhere. That’s were nothing is right?!” Tony called out as he made his way into the garage, he might’ve heard his father shouting but everything was white noise. He barely recognised getting into his car before he sped down the street, as fast as he could during rush hour. 

The world around him was blurred, it was so hot, there was still rain clambering down on the roof of his car, he couldn’t breathe. It was taking everything in his body not to be the person everyone thought he was. Their disappointed faces flashed by him, as he drove and drove, not knowing where he was going. Maybe Natasha was right about him, maybe his father was too. 

He was dizzy, his foot had slipped off the pedal a few times in his blind rage, his limbs were too tense, too tight, his palms were sweaty around the steering wheel, gripping so hard he thought he might pull it off.

He thought about Steve. He thought about how angry it made him, that his father loved him more. And then he thought about how Steve made him feel, despite everyone else. The first night on the back of his motorcycle, drunk, screaming. The cold evening in March on the rooftop, his chest burning as she smoked, Steve looking at him and talking about the stars. How both of them had tried to escape Howard. When they kissed in Steve’s apartment, and it made him feel real, rather than a collection of atoms flowing along the space of time, existing, just getting drunk, feeling useless. 

He was driving through smoke, it felt like. And yet, he had never been more sure of anything in his life. 

There was a door in front of him. A brown, long door, covered in scratches with tears all the way through it. He’d gone where his head told him he shouldn’t go, but something in the fire dragged him through the smoke, to exist in that moment, in that hallway, outside of that apartment. 

_’Fuck’_ , he thought to himself. He should turn back, drive away, drive home, act as if it never happened. That it was just a normal afternoon where Steve would tutor him and none of his friends hated him and that his father didn’t just tell him he was nothing. 

The door opened, he didn’t knock. 

“Oh, Tony?” Steve blinked down at him, surprise in his voice. He was wearing a brown jacket, his bag tapered over his shoulder. Tony was looking in his eyes, at the smoke clearing in front of his face, out of his chest. “I was just about to head to your house… Is everything okay?” Tony didn’t even realise he’d gotten caught in the rain as he ran into the building, his shoulders were slightly damp, as was the top of his hair. 

_’Fuck. Say something witty. Say anything.’_

Everything went white. And like fire did, the flames took over, out his lungs with the intention to burn. 

He kissed Steve with force, his small hands on each side of his face, scratched by his stubble. He caused his bag to fall off his shoulder, as his big arms, gripped onto his hips as if he were catching him from a fall. Tony wrapped his thin arms around Steve’s neck, so he wouldn’t pull away.

Although he did, reluctantly.

“Woah woah woah.” His eyes were wide with confusion. “What are you doing?” He extended his arm behind Tony’s ear to push the front door shut. 

“What do you think?” His first words came out breathy, his mouth hanging open and staring at Steve with hungry, wet eyes. Steve shook his head in mock dumbness. Like he was scared of what Tony was implying, still, he held him close, dangerously close. Tony heard him swallow, hard. “C’mon Rogers —“ Tony pulled his shirt over his head swiftly, chucking it to the ground. “Just this once?” 

Steve looked star struck, his jaw was tight, eyes roving over Tony’s face, his flushed cheeks, the hair that had fallen over his face when he grabbed him and kissed him, how he could see his tongue inside his mouth through his wet parted lips. His eyes wandered over his chest, and then lower, he forgot how to breathe. 

“Is this what you want?” Steve coughed, asking firmly.

Tony laughed, as if he had said something incredulous.

“Tony. Tell me.”

Tony stepped closer, filling up the choked space between them, licking his lips and craning his neck up, so Steve got a better look at him. “Alright. How’s this. I want you to fuck me, Steve.” 

Tony could see in the mans eyes, this information processing in his brain. Like he’d come to a conclusion, he nodded his head, slowly, and then quicker. “Okay, that works.” With two large, strong hands Steve bent down and lifted Tony up by the bottom of his thighs, he gasped in his arms, his breath shuddering as Steve held him against the front door, his stubble scratching while he kissed the skin underneath Tony’s jaw. 

Tony’s skin was hot, the small startled sounds he made caused the warmth to travel through Steve’s chest, heat in his stomach. Tony had never thought he wanted to picked up, and carried, he might’ve thought it was emasculating but it only made him want more, he wanted to feel just how much Steve could manhandle him, he wanted to let him.

Steve’s lips moved to meet Tony’s gaping mouth, locking his lips with his, kissing him fiercely with intent. He pulled Tony off the wall, with one hand, he grabbed Tony’s leg and hoisted it tighter around his waist, and small hands clambered around his neck, fingers pressing, clawing at his back while the other tugged and sprawled through the mans chopped blonde hair. The desperation coursed through his fingers, out of his breath in hot waves into Steve’s mouth as he tried to carry him towards his small bed. 

Until the phone began to ring, Tony didn’t notice it at first. But when he did he dug his fingers into Steve’s broad shoulders, demanding. “If you answer that I swear to god.” Tony whispered harshly through tapered breaths, he knew it was probably his father wondering what was going on. With the same rough movements, the man pushed Tony against the counter, where the phone was, still ringing. Sucking on Tony’s neck he grabbed the phone, lifting it briefly before slamming it messily back into the dock to hang up, Tony was thrilled, pulling Steve in closer with his legs. 

Tony knew that Steve was a sensible man. Composed, practical, like he was that first time they kissed, he answered the call. But seeing Tony, wide eyed and willing, the words that came out of his mouth, he would be surprised if any responsible man could say no. 

Tearing his fingers into the fabric of Steve’s shirt, he tugged and tugged, trying to get it over the mans head. Steve complied, and Tony barely got a chance to look as Steve’s shirt fell to ground because his lips were trailing down his chest, propping Tony up on the counter and his fingers into the waistband of his jeans as his lips travelled lower and lower and lower. The way Tony instinctively bucked his hips toward Steve, the soft noises escaping from his mouth even if he didn’t want them to, he thought he might go crazy.

The phone rang again. He really thought he might go crazy, like they shared the thought, Tony, without looking, swiping his hand backwards and knocked the phone and it’s stand onto the floor, the crashing sound it made when the ringing was forced to a halt was just as pleasing as the tickling sensation on his stomach as the man kissed him. 

All the care in his chest seeped out with every moan, Steve taking, ripping off his jeans. It seemed like the world outside of Steve’s small apartment had ceased to exist, once the phone broke, and Steve sucked on the inside of Tony’s thighs, mouthed on the outline of his cock through his boxers, everything outside the windows could be lit up with flames, and it wouldn’t matter. 

His cheeks felt hot, only made worse when Steve pulled him off of the counter, onto his feet, he could see how flushed he’d been made, his underwear crumpled and twisted low on his hips. But neither of them wanted to waste any time. It seemed as though they’d scoured the whole apartment, pushing lamps out of the way, kicking stray boxes and shoes across the floor so that together, entwined they could find moments, rushed, but heated moments touching each other, shoved up against couches or cabinets, grinding against one another like a confession. 

Tony had been angry, so angry, even at Steve, but when he’d flipped Tony around, stood behind him so large and protective, spreading Tony open against a tall cabinet in the middle of the room, kissing the back of his neck and murmuring soft words of comfort, it all lifted out of him, like smoke. Tony hands hinged on the corners of the cabinet, causing it to shake, creaking too loud while Steve’s fingers curled inside of him. _”okay okay okay okay okay.”_ He whispered to himself, eyes squeezed shut, he tried not to moan too loud, out of sheer embarrassment. 

Steve, although rough and tactless in his movements, held Tony with the same carefulness he had that night he stumbled into his apartment. The way his chest encompassed Tony’s back, shrouding him in warmth. _“I’ve got you. Shh — Atta boy.”_ Those were the words Steve whispered as he finally fucked into Tony. 

The air was thick, moans rising up out of their wet mouths, the way they frantically pawed at one another. At some point they’d actually made their way to the bed. Tony’s eyes were as glossy as his lips, now that Steve could finally look down at his soft face, it was like he’d forgotten where he was, with Tony’s legs in the air, waiting for him, he cupped his face with his palm. Steve liked seeing him like this, desperate, pleading eyes, so separated from his usual self, the one that controlled the room, it was like he had willingly seized control. Steve was snapped back into the present at the sound of tony saying his name. “Steve, Steve, ‘cmon.” 

It stirred something unhealthy in Steve, as if the sight of him weren’t enough, listening to the way his voice shakily moaned out his name. The rain thumping on the window like the gentle reminder of their existence with one another.

It seemed like they fucked all night after that, the already fading day turning to black through Steve’s broken window blinds. 

-

Steve felt burned. Tinged by Tony’s fire, it wasn’t a bad feeling, but it was strange, how he could control him like that, move him, untether him from his responsible self. He was asleep in his bed, the stained covers that reeked of sex draped over his small frame, his body curled up underneath. It was the first time he’d seen him calm, after he almost burnt him down, and the apartment, just to be put out. 

He wanted to know why, and what would come after, but just like fires, once they’re started they’re hard to put out again, and they’re unpredictable, they can remain still and peaceful, only wavering like a candle or burn down whole forests, habitats, living beings. That’s how Steve felt about Tony, that he’d been caught in a forest fire and he want to make it worse.

He wanted to live in the quiet peace, looking at Tony, sleeping peacefully in the quiet of his apartment where only the sound of cars and cats can be heard outside the window. 

One thing he’d realised, however, was how much he enjoyed being burned, having the ice that surrounded him slowly melted down, even if it was scary. Even if it hurt him. 

He’d gotten up as quietly as he could, and half naked sat across the room on the couch. Sketchbook on his lap, he began to draw the image as he saw it in front of him. Tony draped in white cotton, the briefest moment of serenity across his face and his eyes closed shut, the way his hand smushed his cheek under his head. And around him there was flames. And he was the only thing that could be seen through them. 

It didn’t take him long, Tony’s eyes fluttering open, the first thing he saw was Steve sat across from him. A lazy, sedated smile formed on his lips as he sat up, pulling the blanket further over his chest like Steve hadn’t just seen it all. 

“Hey there.” 

“Hey.” Steve’s voice was airing on timid, which made Tony smile more.

“So uhh. That happened.” 

Steve licked his lips and nodded. He was never really sure of what to do or say in these situation, he hadn’t had much practice. When he stood, he placed the sketchbook on the counter, and feeling like he shouldn’t share a bed with Tony, kneeled beside him, Tony gave him a curious look. 

“How do you feel? I feel like I was too… I hope I didn’t hurt you.” 

He smiled down at him, dropping the sheet he was holding up to his chest and extending his arm out to stroke Steve’s cheek. The man was unsure at first, but he leaned into the touch. It was too affectionate, too affectionate for Tony, who was still wondering why he was still there, by now he would’ve left, that was definitely the first time he’d actually managed to fall asleep at someone else’s place. 

“If I didn’t like it, I would’ve told you. If you see me limping, take it as a compliment.”

Steve blushed. And Tony laughed. 

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Steve announced. 

“Alright Rogers, I’m gonna get dressed.” He eyed the room, scanning for his clothes, when he did he noticed the mess they’d made of the apartment, their clothes scattered around next to boxes full on vinyls that they’d knocked over, and the phone. He can pay to fix that, it was collateral damage. 

“Why do you call me that?” Steve stopped before he reached the door.

“Because it’s your name? You don’t like it so formal?”

“I think we’re passed that.”

“You think?” Tony joked, Steve rolled his eyes, laughing and head into the bathroom.

Tony got up, and retrieved each item of clothing, pulling it on one by one. He finally found his t shirt on the floor, and curiously, notIced the pad Steve had placed on the counter. So he flicked through it saw on top what he had just been doing, a rough sketch of Tony sleeping. He could’ve said it was creepy, but he didn’t mind, it was a good drawing, even if he didn’t really know what it meant. 

Amongst the pages, he saw various pictures. Some were little sketches of buildings, tall ones, short ones. There was a drawing of his friend, Sam, sat on a bench donning a pair of sunglasses. Tony smiled to himself. Never having realised that Steve actually drew a lot and that he was this good, it was hard to imagine someone so calloused and often times serious, with thick muscles on his back and rows of abs down his stomach - _’Oh, his abs…’_ \- Tony got lost in thought. While flicking, he found a small drawing of what looked like machinery, and a pair of hands, it took him a moment before he realised that it was DUM-E, and that those were his hands in his- well his fathers workshop. It seemed like years ago, the night where Steve had told Tony about Bucky.

 _”Your robots pretty cool_ ”

He never realised how much Steve had focused on things like that, all the way back then. Then he found the picture that first made Tony aware of Steve, as someone who thought of him that way, and someone he could possibly think of that way too. It looked as though he had finished shading it since Tony last saw it, adding details, like the Rubix cube by his side and he completed his work, his legs crossed in air, laying on his stomach like a child in a field in the middle of summer. 

The bathroom door clicked as it opened.

“Oh. You found that.” He says, a little embarrassed. It’s hard for Steve to look as shy as he sounds. Looking too large for the room, muscles and veins expanded across his chest, bulging out his arms. He had hair on his chest, but it was blonde like his head, so you could barely see it. He’d forgotten to shave his beard, which he shunned himself for, he had a thing about how he presented himself and after… Well Tony didn’t really mind, he liked it. 

Tony takes his eyes off of Steve’s frame for a moment to look at his sharp, angled face, the way his nose always made him look so serious, but his lips always looked soft. “Can I ask you something?”

“Uh – shoot.” Steve stepped closer toward the counter.

“Why’d you really draw this?”

Steve blinked, and thought. He’d told Tony once before that it wasn’t anything meaningful, and Tony didn’t believe him, he was right to.

“I thought you looked beautiful.” 

He tried not to show his surprise, or the lack of air in his lungs. Maybe his eyes gave it away.

Steve walked around and stood behind Tony, he didn’t touch him, but he was so close it was like he was hugging him from behind, reaching around him to flip through the various sketches. He landed on one that was a little less realistic than the last. 

It was Tony, in the museum, he was in front of various cases filled with model rockets and rocks. He was wearing his glasses, hair falling over the right side of his forehead, a bright look on his face. There was a cartoonish bubble next to Tony’s mouth that said _’Science!’_

He let a laugh escape from his mouth when he saw it. Steve thought he might be laughing at him, but he really wasn’t. He stared at it for a long time and accidentally leaned into Steve’s touch while he did. “I really like this one.” He spoke at once.

“Yeah?” 

“I do. I really do.” 

Steve kissed the top of Tony’s shoulder, and Tony thought. He realised how much he had felt this evening, the first stroke of genuine excitement and joy, even though when he’d showed up at Steve’s door, he was blinded by rage. And then he remembered how everyone else thought of him, Natasha’s words, his friends glances and looks, his fathers anger. He was thankful Steve couldn’t see his face, because he was overcome with a sudden urge to cry, blinking away his tears before it got out of control. He didn’t know why, but he had hated himself so much, and he had seen the way that Steve sees him. And it wasn’t like anyone else, he didn’t look at him with disappointment, with annoyance, with expectancy, it was like he could see into his soul and he didn’t even know it. 

Tony wiped his eyes quickly, and turned to Steve. 

“Steve?” 

“Yeah?”

“You know this is a one time thing right?” 

Steve didn’t know what he expected, he was disappointed, but he wasn’t bitter. Not at all. 

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Can I keep this?” Tony pointed to the drawing, he didn’t want to tear it out the book himself incase he tore it.

“Oh… really? Of course. Of course you can.” 

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re really good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOrry for the late upload, I’ve had exams, but I hope the wait was worth it ;)


	18. Bite the Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”I can't love you how you want me to_  
>  Who do you think you are?  
> Who do you think you I am?  
> What do you wanna say?  
> What do you think will change?  
> Maybe I'm afraid of you”  
> ~Lucy Dacus / Julien Baker / Phoebe Bridgers

Tony stood in the hall just behind the archway leading into his living room, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation between Howard and Steve. Howard was leaving for Berlin that evening but wanted to talk to him about his and Tony’s session a few days prior – or lack thereof. Tony was not allowed to be present for the conversation but his inherent curiosity found him hidden behind the wall.

It frustrated him, feeling like he wasn’t allowed to be in the room while the ‘adults are talking’. When he was a child, and too young to know any better, he tried to go and see his father while he was in meetings. Maria would then be called into the room and if she wasn’t present, his nanny, taking him away and distracting him when he asked, why? _”why does he not want to see me? Have I done something wrong?”_. By the time he was eight years old he’d learnt not to go where his father didn’t want him to go. To be seen and not heard.

Obviously, as Tony matured, he began to resent this. And then came the relationship he had with his father now, if you could even call it that. It was if Howard knew Tony would make some comment, snide remark if he’d told him he was going to talk to Steve, or do it in front of him to purposefully embarrass him, in all fairness, he would have, but Howard waited in the living room for Steve to arrive, and even opened the front door for him, immediately controlling the room and not even giving Tony a chance to say hello.

Still, he hadn’t entirely thought of what he was going to say. It was the first time they’d seen each other since… well. At this point, Tony should really have just buckled down and start getting A grades again so he wouldn’t have to see Steve, they wouldn’t have to be forced into a room with each other at every moment. But Tony kept making excuses in his head, that it didn’t stop him from going out anyway, that he only has a few weeks until he graduates so it doesn’t really matter…that he wouldn’t be able to see Steve as easily otherwise. He pushed them all away.

“I tried to call you, but I didn’t get an answer, at least he was with you and didn’t just go out and do… what he does.” Tony thought to himself in a smug defiant way - _”Yeah, we were busy.”_

“Sorry about that, I’ve been some problems with my landline, I just can’t get any calls.” He heard Steve say through the walls, thinking he said it louder so Tony would hear, and he did, and it made him smile.

After several more minutes of trying to make out there distant murmurs, he called out through the archway. “Can I come in now or are you just gonna keep gossiping about me!?”

He couldn’t hear but he knew his father sighed, that brief huff out of his nostrils when he was filled with contempt. Neither of them answered so he decided to come in himself, quietly taking a seat at the dining room table while simultaneously being the loudest thing in the room, everyone suddenly aware of his presence within the situation.

Howard looked down at him, Tony could see him trying not to sour his already serious expression even more. Then he looked back at Steve, and explained that he was going out of town and needed Jarvis to take him to the airport now anyway. He thought that it was probably just an excuse to get away from him, and the interpreted embarrassment from having to ask Steve what happened, or that he was tired of doing, well, parent stuff. They shook hands, it annoyed him. Tony was eye level with their hands, he focused on Steve’s grip, the way his veins ripples through his knuckles, so strong and effortless. Like the way held onto Tony’s hips, lifting him up like he weighed nothing, like he —

He averted his gaze, muttering a simple ‘bye’ at his father as he headed down the hall and out the door, grabbing his suitcase.

In the time, the seemingly long, long time it took for the sound of the front door to shut with a loud click, neither Tony or Steve said a word, he noticed how Steve didn’t really look at him, he only sat next to Tony when the door finally shut, leaning an elbow on the edge of the wood.

“Hey.” He said simply. He wore a blue sweater made out of a thin material, it hugged him nicely. His hair was combed back in the way it usually was, neat, Tony noticed he’d shaved since they last saw one another.

“Finally – hi.” There was a lightness in his tone, like looking at Steve’s soft smile and his hands and the way his chest bulged out the sweater, something that would probably fit loosely around himself – had a calming affect after being irritated by his father, he had a similar effect before. Tony wore his hair different, brown waves curled over his forehead, Steve noticed a delicate spiral of brown behind his ear. “Thanks for covering for me, by the way.”

“Just add it to the list of countless times I’ve saved your ass.” He grinned.

“It hasn’t been _that_ many times.”

“Yeah, well, it’s been enough.”

“What exactly did you say to him?”

“I said that you wanted to study somewhere else, and that you didn’t tell me why. And that I thought your dad was okay with it because he didn’t call but – oh no – my phone was broken and I didn’t get the call. Which isn’t completely a lie, my phone is still broken.”

“I’ll fix it, or buy you a new one. That’s a good story. Smart.”

Steve paid attention to the little compliment. “I gotta be honest Tony, it doesn’t feel right to lie to your dad like that. Especially considering – well, you know.”

“It’s not like he told you how I ended up at your place.”

“Well you haven’t told me.”

Tony looked at the grandfather clock from across the room. “It doesn’t really matter, not anymore anyway.”

“Somehow I don’t believe you.”

Tony turned. Eyes suddenly fixated on Steve’s, he had a way of being able to pry your thoughts out of you, through the deep ocean of concern in his blue, blue eyes. It was one of the reasons Tony used to get to so irritated with him, it was the same way he looked at him whenever he yelled at him, or smoked, or insulted him.

“He… I didn’t want to tell you this, but your dad described it as a ‘tantrum’. But I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t feel like it was true.” Tantrum was not a word Steve associated with Tony, in the beginning, before he knew him, and thought he was just some spoiled kid, maybe, but now he knew Tony didn’t get angry just because he didn’t get what wanted. A child stomping on his toys, his friends. Steve didn’t think of him that way, he found it odd that Howard did.

“Of course he would say that. It’s not true.” Tony sighed. “I was in a bad mood. I started a fight. I went to your apartment. That’s what happened.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I could tell something was different. I mean, you seemed angry, but you’re always angry around me.”

Tony smiled, and turned on his chair so that he was facing him too, he was wearing shorts because of the the heat, and they lifted up his thighs when he sat, exposing the dark thin hairs on his calves, all the way up to his knees. “Not always.”

Steve’s ocean eyes flickered, and Tony laughed, realising how sarcastic he sounded, and Steve laughed too. 

Steve had become so accustomed to preparing for a fight with Tony, every knock on the Stark mansion door, or late night phone call was like he was about to walk into a battle. And part of him, deep down enjoyed that, he enjoyed the rush of blood to and from his heart, beating fast as he got more and more angry himself, the adrenaline, how he felt that anger slowly sift out of him the other night with him. Fucking through every frustrated memory, and yet, now, feeling like they’d said most of what they wanted to say through their bodies, their thrusts, their angry, harsh kisses – Steve felt more adrenaline coursing through him than ever before. He wanted to reach out and touch Tony’s knee, drag his thumb across his skin, touch him again.

Touching him felt like a privilege, a message between them alone, Tony saying; _’Right here, in this moment, I want you to touch me, and you’re allowed, for as long as I say you can, until I decide when it is done.’_.

_”I want you to fuck me, Steve.”_

He’d done a lot of thinking about that night. Seeing Tony only seemed to make the images clearer, as if the thought of body, pale limbs sprawled out beneath him, pink in between his thighs wasn’t replaying in the back of his mind. He felt guilty, as if he shouldn’t be thinking of Tony like that unless Tony had given him the privilege.

“We should get started. We’ve run out of a lot of time already, and we need to make up for the other day.” Steve placed a hand over his mouth and coughed.

Tony seemed confused that Steve was actually doing what he asked, trying to move on, treat it like a one time thing. “Let’s go out.” He blurted out suddenly.

“What?” Steve laughed nasally.

“Everyone is gone, they won’t know, let’s go somewhere.”

Steve tilted his head, intrigued. “I’m already on thin ice with your father even if he did believe my phone is broken. You want me to piss him off more?”

“You can’t possibly piss him off more than I have. Believe me. I mean it’s practically my job.”

“As if you know what having a job is like.” He teased.

“Yeah you were working real hard on Monday night.”

“Tony.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re not.”

“No, I’m not.” The corners of his mouth curved into a sweet smile, delicate creases under his eyes like streaks and crevices in the side of a steep, never ending mountain. “I’m not going to learn more than what I already know, no offence to yourself. And if you get paid by the hour you can’t just, in theory, leave. But if I’m with you it’s like you’re doing your job but less sucky for me.”

“Your logic is, impenetrable. Where’s your mom?”

“Out, with friends, see, no one is here to notice the lack of us being here. So in theory no one would notice if we did no work —“

“Your grades would notice.”

“— and did something else.”

He’d leaned in close to Steve, suggestive, playful eyes pulling him in. The man thought about it for a while, thought about what Tony had meant, and then what he had said at his apartment, about it being a one time thing. He didn’t think he was the type to go back on his word so quickly, he thought he must be toying with him, teasing him. Steve remembered what it was to get burned, the sweet fire against his skin.

“Let’s go out.” Steve repeated, Tony looked confused, but he agreed.

They took Steve’s motorcycle after several minutes of bickering about nothing. 

“If Jarvis comes back in time, it’s gonna be pretty obvious if my bikes not out front.”

“But I’m hot.”

“That’s because it’s hot outside.”

“But it’s more fun.”

“I’m not here for fun. You know that.”

“Boo you. What if we don’t come back? I don’t wanna drive you back so you can get your stupid bike.”

“Oh it’s stupid now?”

“I never said that.”

“You _just_ did.” 

“Can I ride it?”

“What do you think I’m going to say?”

“…Yes?”

“No.” 

“Aw, why not?”

“You’ll crash it.”

“It can’t be that hard. It’s just a glorified tricycle.”

“You know what, the more you talk, the more I want to let you —“

“Really?”

“— So I can see you fall off it.” 

“Fall is different from crash. Even you know I won’t crash it!”

“You will. And I’ll laugh.” 

“I think you’ll be devastated.” 

“Hmm. Are you sure about that?”

“You’ll be all _’Tony, Tony it’s all my fault, if only me and my big muscles and I could’ve saved you’_ ” 

“My big muscles and I. And I don’t talk like that.”

“I think you mean ‘we’. Your muscles are sentient beings. They cannot be stopped.” 

Steve laughed, a genuine full laugh. Tony smiled back at him crookedly. Steve had come to appreciate a different side of Tony, breathing in his sarcastic warmth and his loose fitting bad tees (most of which he hadn’t heard of) that made him look so natural, an aside to the overly loud, boastful Tony he showed to others. Steve was grateful that he was allowed to see him like this, and wondered if someone else got to see this side too. 

He also wondered what had changed. What had suddenly clicked for both of them amidst their fighting, Tony’s anger, Steve’s frustration. Tony had lowered his defences, and in turn, Steve had let his guard down.

“Get on the back of the bike Tony.” Steve smiled lightly, and on Tony’s face was a wide grin. He slapped his hands together, like he was excited, or proud of himself, a little hint of boyishness he often tried to hide. 

Steve took them both to a small café opposite Central Park, where he would sometimes go early in the morning after a sleepless night, usually to draw or do work. He liked watching the cars go by, and joggers with their dogs while the morning was still warming up. It was somewhere he could concentrate, he thought it would be helpful, bringing Tony there, and he could actually focus on what he had to do. 

The inside of the store was fairly plain, the walls were a dull yellow flower and each table had a small white vase, with an assortment of lifeless flowers dangling over the sides. Tony’s eyes wandered around curiously, obviously not overly enthused. Steve had pushed the door open for him as they entered, leaving enough space between them.

“What a cute little place.” Tony mused to himself. Running a finger along one of the pale wooden tables. “D’you come here a lot?” 

“Sometimes. It’s nice and quiet. Sometimes everything gets too loud for me. Other times I don’t mind it.” 

“That’s my favourite thing about the city. The noise, the chaos of it all. It’s quite charming.” 

“Don’t get me wrong. I love this city. I don’t think I could live anywhere else, but I’ve had enough noise in my life.” He sat at a small round table against a wall, Tony placed his palm down and leant against it. 

“Sorry.”

“Why’s that?” 

“I’m quite noisy.” He looked down at Steve with a smirk. 

The man leant back in the chair, raising his chin with a matching smirk. “I don’t think I’ve heard who say Sorry more than you have today, and it’s only been short of an hour. And I don’t think you’re noisy, whatever that means. I think you just know that when someone screams fire, everyone’s gonna turn and look.”

“Maybe I’m feeling sorrowful. And are you callin’ me an attention whore?”

Steve chuckled, Tony’s eyes glimmering down to look at him, big and brown like the strong smell of coffee that flooded his senses the second they’d walked in the door. He was glad they were in a public place now, despite taking him to personal places NOT being in his job description. 

“Okay, jerk. I’m grabbing a drink. Want anything?” Tony tilted his head to the side, and his lightly windswept curls dropped over his forehead again, rolling his sleeves up to his forearms to reveal his olive painted wrists, the purple etching of the cut zig zagging down the length of his arm, small green bruises spotted over his green veins to accompany them. At first glance, it would seem like Tony belonged there, looking like a rough boy in a poor mans café, drinking coffee at four-thirty in the afternoon, with nowhere else to go. But he was here, with Steve, and in his head, he could imagine it way, that they were two simple men in a café, and Steve wasn’t his tutor, and Tony wasn’t the son of Howard Stark, and if they wanted they could have each other because it wasn’t so complicated. Maybe him and Tony could have been normal, gone on dates to cafés, and held each other when it was just right, the warm burning of caffeine on the tongue.

Tony’s offer still lingered in the air. 

“No, no I’m good.” He reached to grab his books out of his bag. 

“Come on. We can pretend we’re in a nite little store in Paris, and it’s quiet, and we’re like… tourists, and I don’t have a curfew.”

“You have a curfew?”

“Yes. I pretend I don’t.”

Steve wished he could pretend, wished it was that simple, two simple men in a café.

“You ever been to France?” 

“During the war. Not for pleasure, that’s actually where I met your father for the first time.”

“Oh.” Tony’s smile faltered at the mention of his dad. “I used to go a lot when I was younger. It’s a very beautiful place. Uhh, _Nous devirons aller ensemble un jour_.” 

The words poured out of his lips, and rolled off of his pink tongue like silk, Steve didn’t know he spoke French, blinking up at him as he spoke. He wasn’t surprised, however.

“What does that mean?”

Tony flashed his bright, lovely smirk before turning away, leaving Steve at the table as he headed for the counter. Watching him go as he walked around tables, he accidentally bumped into a short elderly woman on the way and immediately turned to apologise, placing a delicate hand on the side of her arm over her knitted cardigan in reconciliation, and saying something that made her laugh. 

He carried on taking out his books, and his notepad, he’d heard Tony ask for his drink ‘to go’, and rolled his eyes. He wasn’t getting out of it that easily, at least if Steve could help it. 

Tony walked back to the table with two cardboard cups in each hand, sitting opposite Steve and making a small disgruntled noise as he did, sliding one of the cups across. “I remembered you had your coffee black. So that’s what I got.” He popped the plastic lid off of his own and tore open a sachet of sugar into the dark liquid, dropping little white cubes over the table in the process.

“You didn’t have to – thank you.” He saw Tony dust the sugar onto the floor with the back of his hand as he stirred his drink over and over.

“You’re very welcome.” His eyes peered over the textbooks. “You know, I’m taking my SATs soon.”

“I know, same as my class.”

“Then you won’t be tutoring me anymore.”

Steve nodded, wondering what point he was trying to make.

“It’s a shame. I was getting into the routine of it. Seeing you, after school. I almost began to look forward to it.” He lifted to cup up to his mouth and sipped, and then scrunched up his nose and pulled it away, obviously too hot.

Steve thought carefully about his words, why Tony would say such things, after everything that had happened.

“You never looked forward to the actual learning part.”

“Can’t argue with you there. My dads gonna miss having you around too.” 

“I doubt that, I hadn’t spoke to him in years since the war ended. It was just as much of a shock to me that it was to you when he called me. I woulda thought I wasn’t good enough in his eyes.”

“Hm. We have something in common then.” Tony mumbled and looked into the blackness, but Steve heard him. “It wasn’t really a shock to me, I mean, when I saw you it was a shock. I was expecting some old man, like a World War Two vet or something! I remember when I saw you sat at the table and I thought: ‘seriously? This guy?’ Not in a bad way, although I did hate you, just a little bit.”

“…I saw your father quite a bit during that time. He was around quite a lot.”

“Yeah, I know. Not like that’s all he ever talks about – the war. I know because that’s where he was for pretty much most of my childhood.” 

“I’m sorry, Tony.”

“No.” Tony said sharply, bitterness on his tongue like the coffee on his lips. “Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault. I realise I haven’t been fair.” 

He drank his coffee quietly, and Steve did the same. 

“You’re nothing like him.”

“Huh?”

“Howard. You’re nothing like him. You have his smile, like when you come up with something, or say something clever. But _you_ are different.” Tony listened, eyes curious. “He was a lot younger then and you must’ve only been a child. Well, I was a lot younger too, I joined the army as early as I could. He would tour with us often and show us all his gadgets, he always seemed very pragmatic, resourceful, confident, like you, but he wasn’t as… thoughtful. In many ways, I mean I saw him try and solve problems and although he is an above average intelligent man it would take him a while, he would always come up with a solution but after two or three tries, you can just think of things so quickly and they come so naturally.”

Tony smiled, ever so slightly. “You saying I’m smarter than my dad?”

“Yeah, honestly.” 

“He did mention you, once or twice, I don’t remember all that well, I was surprised when I heard how little you were though, he was still older at that point.”

“Uhh, my mom told me they struggled to have a baby, hence why I’m an only child. Apparently I just came out of nowhere, wreaked havoc on everything.”

“Sounds about right.” He teased, gently.

Tony appreciated how Steve wasn’t trying to be overly nice about Howard, while not being totally disrespectful in an effort to gain his trust. The balance made him comfortable. 

“I remember your mother was with him once, she didn’t talk to me. I remember thinking she was very pretty, you look like her.”

Tony had a fond look on his lips. “She is. I’m glad, when my dads around people often forget she exists. I think it bother me more than it bothers her…”

“You know Tony. Howard doesn’t know me as well as you do. I can assure you that.” 

Tony tapped his fingers on the table and watched them in thought. “Okay. I like to think you know me, too, as much as it infuriates me.”

“I know you better now, that’s true. I think I should say sorry too.”

Tony looked up. 

“I was judgemental, when I met you.” His tone was deep and genuine, his expression hard and serious. 

“Wanna go for a walk?”

Steve was surprised by the shift in conversation but didn’t want to question it. Sure that Tony must have done it for a reason.

“We should really do some work.”

“You can quiz me on the way.” He stood up, coffee in his hand. Steve knew, if he wanted to and had the willpower that he could reel Tony in, get him to do some work and then drive him back home, he could be responsible. Tony listened to Steve, although he would never admit it. Additionally, Steve often thought of himself as having a good amount of self control, this was obviously shaken due to prior events. In the beginning, he was good at resisting Tony’s sarcasm, the way he tried to manipulate situations with the twirl of his finger, however he’d become thoughtless, and weak in a sense, he didn’t quite know why.

Tony had already begun walking, and so Steve had to quickly huddle his books together and shove them messily into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he tried to catch up. 

“Do you do that with everyone? Just walk away? Or is that a gesture specially for me?” Steve scoffed as he walked beside Tony, who was just getting ready to cross the busy street.

A small giggle escaped from Tony’s mouth, Steve almost reached out for his arm when he walked into the road carelessly, but refrained when he saw it was okay.

“There are a few things I did specially for you, the other night.” Tony was walking backwards as they walked into Central Park, waving his hands around in that confident way beside Steve that just made you pay attention to him. Like he was personally guiding you somewhere private. Until he was about to bump into someone walking in the other direction and Steve had to pull him out the way by his arm, it made Tony laugh, but Steve just sighed, as they walked side by side together into the park. 

“Tony, I didn’t wanna do this but…”

“What? What is it?”

“I know it didn’t mean anything to you, and that’s fine, it’s fine, I don’t care. But it wasn’t like that for me. I’m not really good at this.”

The trees shrouded the sun, shadowing the path the walked down, shards of light flickering through the gaps, Tony threw his empty coffee cup into a trash can and looked down at his feet. 

“I didn’t realise. Sorry. It just makes me comfortable, to joke about things.” He rolled his shoulders like he was shrugging off the sudden expression of his feelings. 

“It’s okay, I just-“ Tony had found a large, empty plot of grass, lined with a tiny metal fence, with trees shading most of it. He sat down, and brought his knees to his chest.

“We’ve never really been out like this, have we?”

“We went to the museum.” Steve looked at his perplexed expression, and sat beside him, his long legs outstretched on the grass. It had dried in the heat after the rainfall.

“Don’t make me think about that day.”

“You didn’t enjoy it.”

“I did. It was the first time I realised…” he stopped himself. “Anyway, I didn’t enjoy the evening that followed. I didn’t like seeing you at that place, it shook me. I didn’t think you were like that and – I was a jerk.” 

“It’s in the past, Tony.” Steve was used to burying bad memories. 

“Sometimes I think about that painting. The red colour. I haven’t always been into art, but I remember it made me feel like I was burning. Isn’t that the purpose of art? To provoke a reaction?”

Tony rested the side of his cheek on his knees and directed a slanted smile up at Steve. He wished he had his sketchpad so that he could draw him like that. How his knees smushed his cheek, and made his soft pout all the more full, his lips curving so purposefully, he remembered how they tasted, like saliva and cigarettes, but they felt soft, plush against his own. Tony had this harsh exterior to him, especially when him and Steve first met, but his skin was soft, bruises all over his arms and legs like a sweet peach, he saw he had a tiny cut on his chin from shaving. His blood probably tasted like fruit juice too, he thought, all his flaws were so quaint, and so lovely.

“Uh, I think that there’s art made to make you think, and others are open to interpretation, it’s about what it means to you. And then sometimes I think that there’s a reason a painter or a writer has done something a certain way, because they want people to see life from their perspective.”

“I never thought about it that way. I suppose I’m not very artistic.” 

“You don’t think? I think there’s a certain level of artistry in doing what you do. Like your robot, you could’ve made it look anyway or do anything and you made it into what you wanted, hopefully.”

Tony lifted his head off of his knees and laid back on the the grass, crossing one leg over the other. “I don’t know I mean theres certain pieces that have to go in some places and wires and… but I suppose you’re right, in a way.” He smiled as if he didn’t want to say those words to Steve, but he meant them anyway. “I like it when you talk like this. You’re smart. More than I give you credit for.”

“I’m not just a piece of beef jerky?” Steve smirked down at him.

“You’re never gonna let that go are ya?” 

“Really hurt my feelings.” 

“Owh, Sorry about that.” Tony grinned, and stretched, as he did his shirt lifted up ever so slightly to reveal the pale of his stomach, somewhat round, but small. He didn’t seem to notice but Steve did, his eyes trailing over his hips, how his jeans hugged them nicely.

Steve’s mind also wandered as he looked down at Tony, outstretched on the dirt, crushed some daisies beneath his messed up curls, he thought about touching him again, how lovely he’d look with his pale bones on the grass, his knuckles and his elbows digging into the dirt and rubbing off on his shirt as he pressed his fingers inside of him, that smug look fading off his face so that small breathy moans can rise out of his lips and into the hot summer air, the sun cascading through the trees and glimmering off of his lashes as they fluttered. 

He wanted to please Tony, even if it was mangled in the dirt in the middle of Central Park, the view of the buildings shifting in and out behind the trees. He also felt wrong for thinking about him like that. 

It was only then he’d realised they’d been look at one another, silently, transfixed in their quite appreciativeness of each other, the sound of cars and trucks and small voices shouting – a school trip, a gaggle of short children in high vis jackets jumping through the park. And then a sudden warmth on Steve’s wrist, Tony’s small hand above his, once again, like they were looking at a painting of chaos in a museum, until his fingers tugged on his hands, fingers dancing with his, entwining until he locked them together, still, a faint smile on his face. 

Tony had always had so much rage inside him. Hidden behind the smile on his lips, the pills on his tongue, the liquor burning in his throat and the power in his nose. It flamed on inside him, dull and always lit, but in that moment, it only seemed to send sparks through the tips of his fingers, but Steve held on tightly, like if he were to let go, he’d miss some of that elemental fury he’d come to desire. Holding on before Tony ran away.

“For a while, I blamed you for being the reason my life isn’t right. But it’s been like this long before I met you. I think you made me realise that… that this isn’t who I want to be.”

Steve laid beside Tony, their hands pressed together at their sides. “And who is that?”

“I’m a bad person, Steve. I hurt my friends, I hurt my mother, I hurt you. My friend dances on a pole every night, and I don’t know why, I know she doesn’t want to, I want to help her, and I can’t. I kissed my best friend, and I shouldn’t have, I don’t wanna mess him up. I don’t want to do to him that people have done to me. I want to be better, Steve.” Steve didn’t know where the outburst came from, or why, he was holding onto his hands tight, squeezing it, he leaned his head to the side to look at Steve, with sad, longing eyes. 

He didn’t think, but Steve reached out, and cupped the side of Tony’s cheek with his palm, his thumb twirling over his soft chin.

“You are good, Tony. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you’re not. You’re allowed to mess up every now and again, hell I made a lot of mistakes when I was your age —“

“You’re not that old.”

“Yeah well I’ve got eight years of life experience on you. You can’t help every body. If that’s one thing you’ll listen to, it’s that you just can’t save everybody, you just can’t.”

Tony thought. “It’s not your fault Steve.”

“What’s that?”

“Bucky. It’s not your fault.” 

Steve felt his heart skip, once, twice, then again. He didn’t think Tony remembered, or cared, and then he put his hand over the one that resided over his cheek. “I know that.” Sam tried to tell him often, that no one was to blame, that it was just a _’shitty ride.’_ but it felt different coming from Tony, the words hit him, hard, in his chest.

“Do you?”

“I do now. Hey, weren’t we talking about you?”

“Oh yeah, how’d I forget?” 

“I don’t know, you love talking about yourself.”

“Rude. I’m trying to have a moment here.” He smiled softly, and moved Steve’s hand away from his face, onto his side, it was as if they were alone. “I… I’m kinda just sick of existing? If that makes sense. I go out all the time, I go to school, I see you, even when I feel like I’m supposed to be having fun It just feels like I’m in a car, right? And I’m driving and driving and driving and I’m not going anywhere, and I see everyone around me out the window, and they’re having fun. No matter what I do, it’s all just… shapes and colours and noises. I just want to care about something, someone...” 

“I know I sound like a broken record, but ever since I got home from the war, left the military, got a normal job, I’ve felt the same.”

“Like you don’t belong?”

“Exactly like that. That was until… well, you. I care about you Tony, I do. I think you’re a good person, I know you want to be.”

Tony reached into his pocket to pull out a pack of cigarettes, lighting the stick between his mouth and then waving the pack in Steve’s direction, he declined.

“Yeah well, you’re a good person, I’m nothing like you.” 

“You don’t have to be like me, it would be better if you weren’t. I’m not perfect Tony, and you don’t have to be.” 

Tony looked at him, the cigarette burning between his fingers. “I’ll take your word for it.” He said simply. 

They laid on the grass together, it felt like no time had passed at all. It had cooled down but Steve still felt hot. He’d gone to countless meetings, support groups, talks, he’d never been able to open himself up as much as he had been able to with Tony. And for some reason Tony had been open with him, was it their night together? Was it something Steve did? He watched the smoke lift up into the air, and realised how young he felt. 

“You don’t smoke?” Tony finally asked.

“I used to. Got sick of it. They used to pass em around like candy… I suppose the taste made me feel too… hot.”

“Hm. They’re starting to say they’re bad for you, did you know that?”

“Why do you still do it then?” 

“The day they publish some proof, I’ll stop. I’ll swear on that.”

“Your father quit?”

“Yeah, don’t know why, he smokes cigars now, I think because they make him look richer. I don’t want to talk about him right now. I like just being here, and not worrying about him or anyone else.”

“Okay. You can always have that with me Tony. If not something else… Then as a friend.”

“Friend, huh?” 

“Sure.” 

“I didn’t think you wanted that.”

“I just want to be there for you. Maybe help convince you you’re not a bad guy, and other things you don’t believe.”

“Like that I’m beautiful?” Tony’s eyes beamed at Steve, crinkling with a smirk as he took the stick between his lips.

“Stop.” Steve picked at the grass beneath him, conscious that he would turn red. 

“You meant that?”

“Of course I did. Do.” Steve sounded like he was out of breath, as if he were embarrassed, and ashamed, but Tony just smiled, like he wanted to hear him say it over and over again.

“Maybe one day I’ll believe you.”

“I hope you do.” 

Tony put out the cigarette in the dirt, twisting and turning it before throwing it ahead of him. He sat up and rocked his head from side to side. “Well. The heart to heart was nice, I appreciate this man to man sentiment we just had, no tears though, thanks.” 

“It would be nice to get some work done.” 

“It would, wouldn’t it?” Tony rose to his feet and brushed himself off, somehow managing to look graceful. 

“I think that’s pretty much out of the picture now, don’t you think?”

“Yeah. Definitely.”

Steve stood to match him, he liked how much shorter Tony was than him. He was always shorter than Bucky when they were growing up, then Steve had a sudden growth spurt and didn’t hear the end up of it. He’d only hugged Tony once, when he was drunk, and he didn’t remember it, but Steve remembered, because as guilty as he felt he enjoyed how he fit perfectly in the nook beneath his arm. 

Something caught Tony’s eye, when Steve’s eye followed, he noticed he was looking at a short orange tree. It had been there the whole time, but Tony suddenly became drawn to it. 

“Gimme your bag.” Tony waved his hand, Steve unwillingly obeyed. He didn’t take the bag from him, just gesturing for him to open it for him, as he plucked the ripest oranges he could find and dropped them into the satchel. “For my mother.” He mumbled. 

The last one he ripped from the branch, he peeled, digging into it with his dainty fingers. The leaf that was still attached he tore, and dropped it to the ground. And then the peel.

He placed a segment into his mouth, before tearing apart another. 

“Come here.”

He dropped a piece into Steve’s mouth, and swiped some of the juice off of his lips with the flat of thumb. He grinned, and sucked the juice off of his finger.

They ended up going back to Steve’s apartment. He felt warm, inside and out. He thought maybe he could hug Tony, in a friendly way at least. 

The more that Tony was inside his home, the more like home it felt, although he became increasingly conscious about how most of his appliances were broken, and he had shelves that were falling apart. He couldn’t afford to fix any of it and, aside from that he just hadn’t cared. If this were to be a regular arrangement, he needed to fix up a bit, at least he was shaving regularly again.

Tony was good at making himself comfortable, Steve hoped it was because of him. He was flicking through his records, he’d put on his glasses, the brown frames sitting atop his nose, inspecting each vinyl he picked up. His player was in a dark corner of the living room, the lamp next to it had a blown fuse, that happened a few months before. 

“I’m trying to get a feel of what music you like, but this is stuff my mom listens to.” Tony lifted up a sleeve, _’Frank Sinatra, In the Wee Small Hours’_

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with classics.”

“I know, I know, I’m just saying, maybe you’re older than I thought.” He smirked over his shoulder, and it reminded Steve of the way he looked at him, slowly tiptoeing around his apartment after he’d showered, very hungover but still charming, and delicate, flirty and forthright. 

He ended up putting on an album by Bobby Darin. Steve just watched him, bobbing around his apartment, a slight bounce in his step, swaying his hips to _’Beyond the Sea’_. 

“This isn’t what I usually listen to, but I feel awfully retro.” 

“I’ve heard what you listen to, I don’t think you’re allowed to throw any judgement my way, Stark.”

“Please, my father is ‘Stark’, call me Tony, Steve.” He laughed from his chest, and Steve saw him pick up a small, framed photograph, he looked at it for quite sometime before holding it up.

“Is this him?” 

It was a black and white, yellow stained photograph, there were two men, one of the was Steve. He looked much younger, in a khaki army uniform, and dirt on his cheeks, the branded serious expression on his face. Next to him was a slightly shorter, brunet man, his lips in a serious pout, with some dirt smeared across his forehead where his hair fell over his eye, in a rugged, torn tee shirt, holding what looked to Tony to be a Stark weapon.

Steve looked over his shoulder, and nodded.

“Good looking guy.” Tony said lightly, and put the picture down carefully. 

“Yeah. Oh – come look at this.” Steve reached around Tony and grabbed a small shoe box out of a drawer, bringing it over to the round table by the window, it looked like it was rarely sat on. He shifted through it, and as Tony sat beside him he saw the box was full of photographs. Steve only pulled out one, and put it down flat on the table, rather than handing it to Tony.

It was Steve, and Bucky, and a few other men, and Howard. He was smiling, so was Steve, for some reason Tony smiled. But he didn’t look at the photograph for long, and instead, his eyes locked onto Steve. The air was still rife with the moans a night before, neither of them could look around it without seeing somewhere that had been tainted by them. 

“Thank you, for today.” Tony spoke.

“Well, the days not over yet.” 

Tony’s grin was devilish, almost, like he knew something Steve didn’t. He stood up, and walked around the table to where Steve sat, legs spread, his shoulders wider than the seat itself. Tony perched himself on Steve’s knee, and placed his hands on his shoulders. Steve had to force himself not to gasp, and was careful not to put his hands anywhere he shouldn’t, gently gripping onto his back to steady him.

“You’re right.”

“Tony.”

“Mhm.” He licked his lips.

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“If you’re not serious, then please don’t. You said this was a one time thing.”

“I say a lot of things.”

Steve just made a discontented sigh, his hand moving in slow motions on the arch of Tony’s back. His small hands slid around his neck, the music sounded as if it were fading behind them as Tony looked on in thought. He leaned in slowly, carefully, like never before, and placed a tender kiss on Steve’s lips. 

He pulled away, and stood up. 

“Alright. I have to go.”

“Uh. Okay, I’ll walk ya out.”

Steve had to clear his throat as he followed Tony to the door, a little bashful. But he couldn’t say he hadn’t enjoyed his day for the first time in a long time. And that his heart wasn’t racing at a million miles per hour, trying to jump out of his hard chest.

“Uh Steve?”

He nodded. And felt his stomach flip as Tony turned to smile at him out the door. 

“It meant something to me too.”

With that, he walked down the hall, confidence in his step, and practically hopped down the stairwell. 

He thought he’d hail a cab, and then.

 _’Oh shit.’_ he thought, and then realised he’d spoke aloud. 

Outside the apartments entrance was a long black Bentley, with blacked out windows. One of which rolled down at his presence. 

“Hello.” Jarvis leaned across the passenger seat, with an unimpressed yet smug look. 

Tony sighed for himself, and got into the passenger seat, not needing to be told.

“Okay, can you just take me home so I can get yelled at? Please don’t be a dick about it.” 

“Your father doesn’t know I’m here. Neither does your mother.”

Tony blinked in confusion, “Wha-“

“I’m here on my own initiative. I’ve had my suspicions, now I can only assume they’re true.”

Tony furrowed his brows and scoffed. “Whatever you’re gonna say. It doesn’t matter, alright? What are you gonna do? Ground me?”

“Give you some advice. Maybe.”

“What would that be?”

“Don’t be foolish.”

“You know I hate it when you talk like that, you sound like dad.”

“Rather, don’t get hurt doing whatever this is. It’s none of my business but —“

“You’re right.”

“ _But_ , this man is employed by your father, that’s what he is. Don’t let it distract you, I want you to do well just as much as your parents do. He shouldn’t be doing this. If I had any authority I would… I don’t like this. And it’s not because you’re… and I would never tell your father, but I care for you, Tony, I’m not about to let you fail because of some man.” 

“…It’s not like that.”

“It might not be. But I’m still going to put you first. Do you understand?”

“…I guess. Thank you. But you didn’t have to turn up here all Mr X, being all shady.”

“I was trying to be threatening.”

“It doesn’t work for you.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“Actually, I have somewhere I need to go, if you don’t mind taking me?”

-

Jarvis was obviously skeptical when he pulled up outside of the shady looking club. And almost continued driving. It hard started to get dark, but it was the right time Tony needed to be there. He argued his way out of the car which was getting some curious looks for the neighbourhood it was in, looking completely out of place. He’d told Jarvis ‘Its business, not pleasure’ as he exited the vehicle, and made sure he drove away before he crossed the street. 

He leaned up against a street lamp when he crossed the street. The bouncer stared at him, and Tony fought himself not to make a joke, he didn’t come there to get the crap kicked out of him – sometimes his mouth was too big for his brain.

He pondered what he would say, and then she walked out, right on time. Nat had a gym bag hurled over her shoulder, and waved goodbye to the bouncer. And then she saw him, he thought she might turn and run in the other direction.

Instead, she stormed up to him.

“Hey honey, good day at work?” He chimed, sarcasm lining his tongue, he thought she might swing for him.

“Tony. What the fuck. Why are you here?” Her hair was down, slightly matted but still curled, a vibrant red. She wore a large grey hoodie and flared jeans, but an awful amount of makeup on, contrasting from the comfortable look.

“Before you mess up my lovely face – I just want to talk.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t wanna talk to you.”

“Hang on, hang on. I’ve been thinking, a lot. And… I’m sorry.” He struggled to say it, although he meant it. “You’ve got your thing, and whether I like it or not, I shouldn’t try and… I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Natasha took his words seriously, even though it seemed like she didn’t take Tony seriously, most of the time. Her jaw was clenched, and she stood in the dark parking lot with tension in her shoulders.

“Alright…”

“I do wanna know why, not just cause I’m nosy, I’m your friend? Ain’t i? I’m not Rhodey, he’s never been as exposed to this shit as we have. But I get it. I know I’m an asshole –“

“You’re not an asshole. Not all the time. I just didn’t think it was necessary to bring up in conversation.”

“Okay, but I brought it up, so why don’t we talk about it?” He was really trying, he’d never been good at responding to others needs.

“…Okay.” 

“Wanna go somewhere? Do some crimes? Like when we first met?” 

“Okay. I know a place.” 

“Awesome.” 

The streets grew darker as they walked down them, going through mazes of alleyways until they reached a dingy back street. The houses were mostly falling apart, the apartments spotted broken windows and trash on the roads. She walked until she reached a metal fence, on the front was a large scratched out warning for trespassers, one that they would ignore. 

“So. Are you gonna tell me why?”

“Help me over this fence and I might.” She smirked, and like it was routine for them, Tony held out both his hands. 

He pressed on his hands with her boot, and with a groan Tony lifted her up. The chain link rattled and cried as she pulled herself over the top, manoeuvring over to the top and landing swiftly on her feet on the other side. 

Tony smiled at her through the grate. “Okay. You know how this goes.” 

After looking around the floor, which was littered with wooden planks and empty bottles, she found a brick and hurled it at the lock. He jumped slightly, and she laughed, and after a second attempt, cracked open the lock, and allowed Tony to swing the gate open.

“You should really learn how to lock pick.”

“Who says I don’t know already?”

“Oh you just wanted to get physical?”

She rolled her eyes, looking Tony up and down, she looked at some of the dirt on the knees of his jeans.

“My dads broke. I almost had to quit school.” 

“I didn’t know that.” 

“There’s a lot you don’t know. Anyway, I decided I had to graduate. Whatever. And then I remembered college.”

“Do they know?”

“They think I work in a bodega. I didn’t tell them which one.” 

“Why _don’t_ you work in a bodega?”

“You think I can afford this fancy school and college on that salary?”

Tony shrugged. “Yeah, yeah that’s true. Damn, the government right?”

“Yeah. The fucking government.”

“You know I can –“

“Don’t. If I want to fuck up my life Tony, I want it to be on my own terms. I don’t want to have to marry some jock just so that I can live a comfortable life. That won’t be me, and I don’t want your money, so don’t you dare offer.” 

“I mean, that’s kind of the motto I lead my life by.” 

She smiled. And Tony reached down to grab a long thin plank of wood, wielding it like a bat. He thought about what Steve said, about not being able to save every body, and in some ways he thought that was bullshit, but he realised he couldn’t force people to do what he wanted anymore, and that he should just try and be a decent person.

“Now let’s break into this place, shall we?” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and squeezed her gently, holding the wood over his other shoulder. 

“I mean it’s already kind of broken into.”

“That was just phase one.”

“You’re right. Not enough crime.”

“Not enough crime.” He repeated. 

When Tony and Nat first met at the beginning of high school, they hadn’t really spoke. They smiled at each other in the hallways, Tony tried to flirt with her once, she flirted back, it never went anywhere, thankfully. They became friends at a party, they’d both left to get some air, and stumbled across an empty building. Tony, as a way to break the ice, threw a rock through one of the windows, stupidly, he was all the more thrilled when Natasha grabbed an even bigger rock and hurled it through the adjacent window like it was nothing. It became their love language, in some childish, idiotic way, and they would remain as friends.

Tony swung the make shift bat at the small building, smashing a side window. Nat threw a few rocks to get rid of some glass stuck around the edges.

“After you.” He stretched his arm out to the window. 

“I’m still mad at you.” She climbed up, ducking as she stepped through.

“I bet. I could tell you something that will make you less mad however?”

“What could that possibly be?” She grabbed onto Tony’s arm to help him through as he followed through the window. 

The place must have been a storage unit of some kind, it was littered with junk, papers, boxes filled with forgotten memories. It was too dark to really see, but Nat pulled a flash light out of the depths of her bag, it was like she was always prepared for situations like this. 

“It smells like garbage in here.”

“Steaming. Hot. Garbage.” He scrunched his nose up and kicked a bottle beside his foot. 

“I wish we had alcohol.” She picked up the bottle Tony kicked, and lobbed it at a wall, he cringed at the noise. Watching the green shards fall to the floor, like the leaves he’d picked off the branch earlier that day.

“I fucked my tutor.” He said loudly, and she turned to him, wide eyed.

“That’s pretty fucked up.”

“Yeah. Do you know what’s the most fucked up part?”

“The fact that your dad is basically paying him to have sex with you?”

“Gross – why would you – no. It’s that, I think I like him. Like a lot.”

“Yeah that is kind of fucked up.”

“See, I can always count on you for moral support.” He swung the bat lazily against a box of papers on a shelf, knocking it to the floor. 

She laughed. “Eh. I can’t judge, can I?” 

“No, you can’t, heathen.” He smirked back at her, which made her roll her eyes once again, this time with a fond smile on her red lips. 

She explored behind most of the shelves, while Tony remained at the head of the room, attempting to hit objects with his plank of wood. 

“Do you think we’re cliché? The gay boy and the stripper. That’s like a tv show. They should make it a tv show. I’d be the star, obviously. You could be there to compliment me. We could both get super rich and move away and go to college on our own backs and pretend that we never knew each other. Wouldn’t that be nice? Nah, I’m kidding. Actually I’ve been thinking a lot, about our friends, like everything would suck and I’d wanna kill my self if I didn’t have any of you, is that weird to say? Hey, I know you’re still mad at me but you could at least answer me. Hey.”

“Don’t come over here.”

Obviously, Tony did.

“What’s-“

“Don’t look.”

He looked.

“Is that-“

“A dead body? Yep.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yep.”


	19. All Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”Found the truth beneath your lies  
>  And true love never has to hide  
> I'll trade your broken wings for mine  
> I've seen your scars and kissed your crime”_  
> ~Beyoncé

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mild Gore, Mentioned Underage relationships

He was running into endless blackness. It felt like hours, years almost. Surrounded by a deep dark void of nothingness, there was no wind, even as he sprinted faster and faster. He didn’t know what he was running from, something from within the darkness, calling out to him, reaching, black arms outstretched but he couldn’t see them, he couldn’t see anything. 

The more he ran, he began to realise the ground beneath him was like a night sky without stars, and his feet sunk into it like a desert when he trod into the sand, sinking lower and lower into the abyss with every step. Slowly, the sand began to tear away at his clothes, dissolving them into a fine clear ash off of his skin as he tore through the dark landscape. 

It felt like the hand had reached through his spine and wrapped its translucent fingers around his lungs, twisting and pulling him into the ground as he choked on the obsidian ocean in his throat, while the ashes slipped between his toes and up his legs, his body sifting into the ink, unable to move, unable to fight it.

And then he was falling, slowly, and then all at once through the pitch. He couldn’t scream, he couldn’t breathe, sinking up and down into nothing, tar filling every crevice in his body, seeing into his eyes.

Suddenly, he fell onto something hard. Hitting the floor with a sharp thud. And with tethered breathing he could open his eyes. 

Among the blackness, he was suddenly fronted with the cold face of his friend. Natasha lies beneath him, still, without a pulse, a lifeless corpse. He stared, and as much as he wanted to look away he couldn’t, his body hung over her, shadowy arms pulling him apart, stringing him up like a puppet, his breathing became faster, harder until it felt like he had run out of air.

Tony awoke curled up in a tight ball in the centre of his bed. His eyes peeling open from the strange dream, realising he had air in his lungs and light in his room. He’d gotten home in the early hours of the morning after what had happened with Nat, and with barely any sleep at all he got up, and got himself dressed for school, as if it were another normal day. He wore his glasses to cover the bags under his eyes and brushed his teeth twice. He hugged and kissed his mother goodbye and drove himself.

He’d had Art with Rhodey first period, and then Spanish with him again, and Nat. They both pretended all was normal, that they didn’t know what they about each other and that they hadn’t experienced what they had. 

_”Can we both agree to never speak about this. Ever.”_

_”Agreed.”_

Tony had never really thought about death before. He had aunts and uncles pass away but he was very young and never really knew them. Something had shifted since he saw what he did, like he had sudden realised what it meant to be a living being rather than just a passive collection of atoms existing, forming through the motions. He remembered what Steve had said to him about not being invincible, and realised that he’d begun to think of himself as immortal. That he was impenetrable to anything that could possibly challenge him. He had realised earlier that day that he had been merely existing, and further into the night had been shown not only what it was to live, but not to live. 

“Are you two okay? You been acting weird all day.” Rhodey sat cross legged on the grass, and eyed Tony and Nat sceptically. 

Tony also sat on the ground, lightly chewing on the cigarette between his teeth. Clint stood by them all, looking out for any teachers who might come around the gate. Pepper sat on her blazer, because she said she hated the feel of the grass against her bare legs, it was warm enough that the school allowed the girls to wear ankle socks with their skirts, she also caressed a cigarette between her long pale fingers, she always tapped it on the ground between each drag, and spared a curious tilt of the head when Rhodey asked, as if she had thought the same thing.

“Huh? Yeah fine. Tired.” Tony mumbled and pulled some grass out of the ground mindlessly. Nat was sat between Tony and Pepper, a coarse look on her face.

“Yeah you been real sketchy.” Clint added, leaning on the gate.

_”Oh- oh my god.” Natasha’s voice threatened to quiver as she spoke, Tony’s hand pressed up against the closest wall as he threw up onto the floor, his other hand clutching at his stomach. The smell had made him gag at first, and then it was the full view of the mans rotting flesh that finally did it._

“It’s hot. Let me enjoy the sun in peace, thank you.” Tony shut his eyes and held his head to the sky, bringing his knees to his chest and crossing his arms above them, almost forgetting to light his cigarette.

“I think he’s just like that.” Pepper teased, aside. 

“Oh my god.” Clint said suddenly, they all looked up thinking that a teacher was coming, only to see a barren school field with some other students walking together in the distance. “You two aren’t hooking up are you? Because that would really be a nuisance for all of us.”

“No! Ew!” Nat yelled, Tony was about to agree until he heard her second comment and squinted in her direction.

“He- Ew? You’d be lucky if you only got a smooch!”

“I’d rather die.”

“Yeah they’re definitely hooking up.” Rhodey nodded and looked back at Clint who now had a smug expression, Pepper looked around at them all, her lips slightly parted and blinking as she tried to process what was going on.

Tony flicked his cigarette away and pointed at Natasha, ignoring the guys. “You’re only sayin’ that cause you’re jealous.”

“Like, hatefucking?” Clint said in his own miniature back and forth with Rhodey. 

“Oh please.” Nat rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah that’s what they call it.” James nodded.

“Actually Tony’s fucking his tutor.” She turned to them all, raising her voice unnaturally.

Tony’s comment paused on its way out of his lips, gasping to himself in betrayal. 

“Hey!” He warned, half jokingly. 

“Woah, dude.” Clint also blinked.

“It was just once.”

“I knew it.” Pepper sighed.

“Thanks a lot, now I look like I’m whoring around, getting with a teacher and all, what do you want them to think of me?”

“Like you ever cared about that.” Rhodey sniggered. 

“Why would you sleep with your tutor? If you wanna pass history shouldn’t you sleep with your _actual_ teacher?” Pepper pursed her lips, swapping her crossed legs.

“Cause he’s like in love with him or something.” 

“Ouch.” 

“Okay!” Tony sat up and raised his voice. “I never said that, that is false information, you are spreading LIES about me missus. I’ve had enough.” He rose to his feet and brushed himself off.

“Aw Tony has a crush. Maybe he does have a soul after all.” Clint smirked, Tony didn’t smile back. 

He huffed, his hands on each of his hips. He looked down at Natasha on the ground who was staring at the floor, she had been the entire time they’d been talking. He felt a lump in his throat, betrayed and annoyed.

He thought about last nights events. He thought about how, if he wanted to, he could tell a secret of hers, but there was a haunted look on her face, and he realised that that was a secret only he knew too, one that he shared, one that he knew. His friend that had always been so strong, he saw himself, the defensive barriers built up, tall and hard around her slender limbs on the perfectly trimmed grass, deflecting a bullet coming her way, and firing back with an ICBM. Any threat or sliver of vulnerability neutralised, at what cost? 

For once in his life, he understood, realised he had done the same. Amongst that, he knew it was easy to turn a million missiles in his direction and justify it, because, after all, he was invincible, right?

Acting invincible and being invincible were significantly different things. Acting as though nothing can hurt you is the same as faux confidence, a bluff, only as strong of an armour for as long as you can keep up the act. He was good at it, and he could. And now in the face of his friend, baring the same translucent armour against him, and as easy as it would have been to call her bluff, he began to realise that he should wear the armour too. Be the soulless invincible man for the friend that he realised he loved, and needed to protect, even if she didn’t want it, even if she never stopped firing missiles in his direction. 

It was a strange feeling. He had a list of unspoken, buried things with his friends, the mountain grew taller and taller every day. He hadn’t even resolved his tension with Clint. He didn’t think he ever would.

“Yeah I’m a big sap now. How was that date with Tiffany by the way?” Tony suddenly chimed, raising an eyebrow towards Clint, whose smile had dropped. 

“Ha-ha very funny asshole.” 

Rhodey began to laugh. “Ay, Tony, you should’ve seen his face when he asked her what time they were goin’ out, the look she gave him.”

Pepper blushed slightly, and let out a small laugh. “I feel bad.”

“No, you don’t.” Nat smiled, ever so slightly in her direction, and it made Tony feel better, in some small, strange way. 

_”What are we gonna do? What are we going to do?!”_

_“Tony, calm down. We – let’s just leave.”_

_“Leave?! We can’t just leave him here we have to, we have to call the cops or something… I mean Jesus.”_

_“Are you insane? How do you expect to explain to them how we got here in the first place. Hey officer, we were just hanging out and we found this dead guy! We just get out of here and someone else will deal with it.”_

_Tony scoffed, trying not to look at the rotting corpse beside him. He wondered how he constantly ended up in these situations, nights that were already exempt from normality turning into exploding bouts of chaos. He wondered what would happen, if they left, and pretended as if it had just never happened, another mans problem, it would be so easy, wouldn’t it?_

_“This isn’t just a dead deer someone ran over and we’re just gonna pull it to the side of the road and that’s it, this is, I mean it’s a guy, a human guy. He – maybe he’s got like kids or something.”_

_“Okay – how about we… we drag him out to the road, so someone finds him, we did something but we aren’t involved.”_

_“Okay, first of all, you just entirely missed my point. Second of all, I’m not touching him.”_

_“You just went on about how he’s a person!”_

_“Doesn’t mean I want to touch dead bodies, Natasha! I mean who wants that?”_

_“You’d be surprised.”_

_“Well you can pick him up! God.” He placed a fist over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, he could hear her pacing on her heels in small circles in front of him._

_“Tony – I cant get in trouble with the police. It’s different for you, you can talk your way out of anything and if that fails just pay your way out, tell them who your dad is and you get out without a scratch. You got caught with coke and what did you get? A slap on the wrist. I can’t risk it. I’m sorry.”_

_“You’re not sorry. And you shouldn’t be.” He sighed, and regretted holding his mouth open for too long. “Why don’t we just find a payphone, alright, we call in an anonymous tip. The cops’ll come, but we’ll be miles away. That sound like a plan?”_

_“… I can work with that.”_

_“Okay. Let’s get out of here before I throw up again.”_

_He took a long, sour look at the man on the ground. Contemplated both of their existences in the world, why he was alive, and this man was dead, and how time and space aligned for both of them to have existed at the same time, and for one of them to still exist, and the others life being taken away. It made the bile in his stomach even blacker._

_They left together quickly, Nat helped Tony back out through the window despite his protests._

_“I don’t understand how you’re so calm about this.” Tony muttered and looked back at the building in contempt._

_“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget it, this whole night.”_

He smiled at his friends, as they laughed, throat constricting as he did. When the bell rang, he began walking back to school ahead of everybody, rolling up his white shirt sleeves to his elbows as he grew hotter, his school blazer slung over his shoulder. Rhodey caught up to his side, and surprisingly, sprawled his hand across Tony’s back. 

“Hey man, I got something to tell you.”

“Oh god, you’re not actually in love with me are you?”

He rolled his eyes and shoved the hand that was on Tony’s back into his pocket. “When pigs fly, man. No, I applied for MIT. Finally came to an agreement with my folks. Just wanted you to know.”

Tony smiled, genuinely. “We can be roomies.” 

“That’s if I get in, you’ve got a one way ticket there either way. I really gotta work my ass off now though.”

“Eh, you’ll be fine. You like sports and science, they’ll love you there.”

“I hope so.”

“No need to hope. You will. And when we’re roommates, just so you know, I sleep completely naked, with just socks, every night, just something you’re gonna have to put up with.”

“If you sleep top bunk, that’s just fine.” 

“Oh honey bear you know I’m not a top.”

It took Rhodey a second, but Tony laughed at the way he shook his head once he finally caught on. “You’re gross, you know that?” His friend laughed.

“Hm, well thankfully for you I don’t think you’re even allowed to pick who you room with.”

“Thank Jesus.” 

They smiled at eachother as they walked. He could hear the others chatting behind them, he was thankful he could talk to Rhodey, considering he didn’t really feel like talking to Nat. 

It was a strange feeling, how they’d all start to accept who he was, knowing what they all knew about each other. Yet, still feeling like they didn’t completely understand him, he felt like an angsts teenager just for having the thought, and he hated it.

“So… Are you and this guy dating?” His friend asked out of the blue, and Tony raised a playful eyebrow.

“Oh yeah, we just exchanged promise rings last night.” He laughed. “Gosh, no, hell no. That’s not my style.” 

Rhodey looked over his shoulder to make sure the others were out of ear shot before he spoke. “Well… good. Cause I don’t like it.” 

“You don’t – aw, you’re jealous, I know we shared a beautiful night together but you gotta move on.” Tony smiled, trying to ignore what Rhodey was really saying.

“How old is he?” 

“105, I got myself a sugar daddy.”

“Tony.”

“I kissed Adrian Johnson’s mom when I was like 15 and she was way older.”

“That’s still weird?”

“Is it? Because I distinctly remember you giving me a high five.”

“I gave you a high five because you gave him a black eye when he found out and tipped orange juice all over you.”

“Oh, Yeah, I forgot about that.” 

Rhodey laughed, and rolled his tongue around his gums thoughtfully. He knew how much Tony hated awkward silences.

“He’s not some creep. And your concern is pretty cute, but it’s unnecessary. You’ll see. It’s not even a thing, I don’t even know why every body is making it a thing! It’s not a thing. I don’t even like him. He’s a tool. He’s not a tool. But it just seems like everyone else is more obsessed with this than I am. Jeez.”

“Uh… okay?”

“I’m just tired, tired is all. I don’t want to talk to you about boys like we’re some girls. Next thing you know you’re gonna be braiding my hair.”

“You’re one cocktail away from letting Nat put you in a dress.” 

“I think I’d look very pretty in a dress. I think you’re just envious that you wouldn’t be able to pull it off.” 

“I heard my name.” Nat caught up and walked beside Rhodey, wrapping her hand around his arm.

“Just talking about Tony being a cross dresser.”

“That was taken out of context.” 

Thankfully, he reached his class before he had to indulge in that conversation any longer. The last class of the day always went fastest, he found, especially since he was alone for the last hour. 

He’d spent the entire class thinking about death, and Nat, and Steve, weirdly, how up until the events of that evening he’d actually felt content. He wanted to kiss Steve, in his apartment, so he just did. He tried not to think much of it, they’d done much worse, anyone else might say he was ‘leading him on’, but he wasn’t holding the rope, it was Steve’s choice whether he would carry on trying to keep up with Tony and his ways. 

So, he decided he’d call Steve when he got home. And, in addition to everything else, it might be a delightful distraction.

Nat was waiting for him outside his class, to his surprise. He joined her side to walk to their cars, waiting for her to speak first. He knew she wouldn’t have if she didn’t have something to say.

“Um. Sorry for exposing you back there.”

“Not a problem, my ass was on the cover of a newspaper once.” He said blankly, avoiding eye contact as they glided down the hallway.

“I remember. The principal was pissed.”

“He wanted to expel me. But good old dad fixed it all. He was also pissed.”

“Are you pissed?” She narrowed her eyes up at him.

“I know why you said it, and I don’t care. It’s not like I’ve ever kissed and not told. Whatever.”

“Still.”

“It’s fine.” Tony unlocked his car and leaned on the door. “Maybe one day I’ll make it even and tell them all how gay you are for Pep.” 

“I’ll kill you.”

“I’ll already be dead by then. I know what I’m gettin’ myself in for.” He smiled fruitfully. “Listen. Don’t worry about it, I know you’re probably not but. We experienced a pretty traumatic life experience together, I think our friendship is set in stone by now.”

“Is that how friendships work?”

“For us.” He shrugged. “Maybe when we’re both taken hostage, I can call you my best friend.” 

“I don’t like your use of ‘when’ in this scenario, but I’ll take it.” She smirked in that way she usually did, her lips curving wholly to the side. He smiled back.

“Good. Hey, need a ride?”

“I drove today. I have… business.”

“Right. Business.” He said with bitterness in his throat that he wouldn’t let seep onto his tongue, for her sake. 

They hugged goodbye although he didn’t necessarily want to. Feeling unsatisfied with their encounter but knowing there was nothing much else he could do, which only seemed to frustrate him further. At home he changed into a standard tee and jeans, and wiped his glasses several times so he could continue wearing them throughout the day, he didn’t want his mother to ask why he looked so tired and he didn’t want to face the bags under his eyes either.

In the privacy of his bedroom, lying flat on his stomach, he called Steve from the phone on his bedside table, and realised he should plan what he’s going to say before he does this. 

He answered almost immediately, Tony looked down at his fingers as he remembered he had to talk.

“Hi it’s Tony!!!”

“Oh, hi.” Steve’s tone grew slightly more cheerful, with a hint of confusion. “Is you calling me randomly gonna be a regular thing now?”

“Don’t flatter yourself I only call you when I’m bored.” He heard Steve laugh on the other end. “What’s up?”

“I just got in from work. Traffic is hell, thankfully I can avoid it. What’s up with you, um – it’s a nice day, I thought you’d be out.”

“Why, thinking about me?” 

Steve was quiet for a moment. “Don’t wanna inflate your ego anymore, but, yeah.” 

“Hm. Interesting.” Tony smiled because he knew Steve couldn’t see. “Well, Uh, if you’re not doing anything you should come pick me up. If you want to, obviously.”

“Uhm. Why?”

“Hang out.”

“Is that smart?”

Tony was smart, but that didn’t include common sense. “Probably not, but, it’s not like hanging out is gonna hurt, right?” 

“That’s a matter of opinion.” 

“Pick me up. Come on. Do it. We can go somewhere.” 

“You’re a bad influence on me.” 

“If I tell you you’re a good influence on me, will you meet me?”

“Maybe, if you’re lucky.”

“If _I’m_ lucky? You don’t know who you’re dealing with Rogers.”

“I have a pretty good idea. So when am I picking you up?”

Tony grinned. “Maybe an hour? When it starts to get a little dark.”

“That doesn’t sound shady at all.”

“I’m secretly a vampire, don’t tell.”

“No, you’re secretly a nerd.”

“Steve Rogers did you just call me a nerd? Me? That’s it, dates cancelled.”

“…date?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, obviously.” Tony held the phone tighter in his hand.

“I’ll take your word for it, nerd. See ya in an hour.”

“See you in an hour, I hate you.” He could hear Steve laughing softly just before the line went dead. Tony found himself looking forward to going out, biting his lip as he put the phone  
down. He doused himself in cologne and travelled downstairs to see his mother. 

-

Steve had learnt to be extremely punctual during his time in the military, they all did. Most days it was up at 5am sharp, bed made by 5:05, lined up by 5:10. It was something that had become ingrained into his motor functions, they all feared the extreme punishments if they failed to comply, and be on time, even if they didn’t admit it.

So, even in every day life, this trait continued on. It was great for his employers, not doing anything for him in the terms of style, but he didn’t care about such things.

He arrived at Stark mansion at 6:30pm. Exactly an hour after Tony called, admittedly, he was slightly embarrassed about it. The air was still hot, the street lamps took over the sun and small bugs flew around his head as he parked his motorcycle outside. At first he considered Tony would meet him outside, but after a few minutes he decided he might have forgotten, and rang the door bell, hoping he was home alone. 

Then Jarvis answered the door, and he muttered as much of a smile as he could, awkwardly. Before he could speak, the well dressed man Interrupted him. “He’s in the living room. If you would.” He gestured for Steve to walk inside. He nodded, muttering a polite thank you. 

As he transcended into the living area past the Victorian wallpaper and white columns he heard the soft melodies of a piano, and small voices with it. He walked cautiously, not wanting to disrupt, peeking his head through the door way. 

He saw Tony sat on a long velvet stool next to his mother, behind a grand piano, shiny and black. He’d always noticed it there, but he thought it was merely for decoration, a display of wealth. Neither of them noticed him there, standing in the archway of the door, and he was glad. Tony’s fingers stroked the keys, scraped knuckles gliding delicately across them. Steve recognised the song, but he waited, and listened. Once Maria finished sipping her glass of wine, placing it atop the piano, she began to sing with Tony once again.

 _” I memorize ev'ry line, I kiss the name that you sign, And, darling, then I read again right from the start —”_

Jarvis cautiously walked behind Steve and into a different room, ignoring the scene as if it were a usual occurrence, but Steve was transfixed. There was a way he had a slight smile threatening the curve of he lips as he sang in this mock low voice, and how his mother smiled back at him, like he was the most precious star in the universe. It was a big difference from how Tony’s father looked at him, from how Tony looked back, the entire atmosphere in the room had changed, a strange sort of peace.

_”— Love letters straight from your heart._

Tony looked to his side, and saw Steve, standing there, just quietly watching. And he just smiled as he completed the melody, naturally as if he’d done it a thousand times. 

“Hey there.” He smiled, Steve would have thought anyone else, including him, would’ve been embarrassed or become shy, not Tony. He felt guilty that he stopped however, and wanted him to continue, he felt like he could stand there, alone, and watch him, for as long as he could, playing out a thousand songs.

It hit him, the song was _’Love Letters’_ by Nat King Cole. He remembered Tony didn’t like that kind of music, and that he must do it for his mother. 

“Sorry, I should have waited outside.” Steve felt himself blush.

Wine glass in hand, Maria looked over Tony’s shoulder, she wore pale blue, and was draped in pearls like always. “Oh, Steve, I didn’t know you were coming.” Her voice was shrill, but warm and inviting, Steve only just noticed that Tony had her eyes when he looked at them together in this scene.

Tony stood, and pulled down his shirt. “We’re gonna hang out.”

“Oh, that’s nice.” She looked back and forth between them, pleasantly surprised. Tony leaned down and kissed her cheek.

“Hi, Mrs Stark.”

“I’ve gotta grab something from my room, come.” He walked past Steve, who felt inclined to follow, albeit wrong, yet he was utterly star struck.

As he followed Tony up the winding staircase it occurred to him he had never seen the upstairs of the Stark mansion, and that he was about to enter what he thought was the most private insight into Tony’s life, and he didn’t feel like he should, yet he did.

The room wasn’t what he expected, he had blue walls and it was unordinarily neat, too tidy for a young man and especially seeing how Tony treated the workshop, it was perfect. Tony shut the door behind them both and headed straight for some drawers, leaving Steve to his own devices as if he were comfortable there in Tony’s space. 

“I didn’t know you could play.” Steve finally spoke.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” Tony smiled over his shoulder and then continued rummaging. “My mother taught me. My dad discouraged it but, she wanted me to be able to do something artistic, she’s romantic like that. She used to play for me all the time when I was little.”

“Used to? Why’d she stop?” Steve began slowly trailing across Tony’s carpet. “

“I don’t know.” Tony mumbled. “She’s on these new pills, she says they make her feel better, my father says the same, I don’t know, it’s weird. Doctor prescribed them cause she’s sad all the time, but she’s always happier when he’s away.” 

“You make her happy.”

“I’m a pain in the ass. Just like you said.”

“Well, I think you’re using my words out of turn.”

“So you don’t think I’m a pain in the ass?”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far.” Steve smiled, and Tony looked back to smile at him. He let out a little laugh before turning back to what he was doing. 

Steve looked atop a chest of drawers, and stopped when he saw an array of framed Polaroid photographs. He saw Tony, smiling, wearing a varsity jacket that was miles too big for him, his arms wrapped around a darker boy and a red headed girl. Another young man with blonde, quaffed hair knelt in front of them. 

Tony appeared behind him, pointing over his shoulder. “That there on the left is Rhodey, and there’s Nat, and Clint.” He was standing awfully close to Steve’s back.

Steve always pictured Tony to have an extremely large circle of friends, more like followers. But all the pictures he saw, he imagined a tight knit group, all different, held together in strange ways. Sometimes he forgot that Tony had a life outside of him, different dramas and different arguments. He remembered how Tony cried in his arms about it, and it made him believe that he must truly have a bond with these people he saw. He never thought him to be the sentimental type, but he’d been wrong about Tony countless times.

There was another picture tucked behind the others but not purposefully hidden, it was just Tony, locking arms with a tall, slender, ginger haired girl, Tony looked quite a bit younger.

“Oh that’s Pepper. She was kind of my homecoming date? But not officially, she just bossed me around the whole night.”

“I thought you didn’t like being told what to do.” 

“I don’t. But I don’t mind it when she does. And she’s cute, so, that’s a added bonus in my opinion.” Tony circled back around Steve, who was trying not to gawk at him, so distracted himself with studying Tony’s room. 

“Um, so do you have any idea where we’re gonna go?” 

“Sorta. You comfortable with the thought of delving into the Unknown?” Tony said in a playful voice.

“Should I be scared?”

“I don’t know, should you?”

They stared across from eachother, while he thought of what to say. Tony walked up to him, facing him, he reached out and slipped his fingers across the collar of Steve’s shirt, which was also blue. 

“I like this on you. Looks good.” Tony dropped his hands with a messy sort of grace, and Steve just watched like he watched him playing the instrument.

Steve wished he knew how to flirt. “Oh. Uh. Thank you. You look nice, too. I know you hate them, but I like your glasses.”

“Doesn’t really help me get away from that nerd thing does it?” He crossed his arms, looking up at Steve with a crooked grin, from this angle Steve noticed dark circles ringing Tony’s brown eyes, his cheeks a flushed coral tone. 

“No matter how hard you try, you’ll always be a geek.” 

“Coming from you.” 

Steve looked harder, and reached out, tentatively pulling the glasses off of Tony’s nose, he was surprised that Tony let him, making a face like he was sucking on a sour sweet and mumbling a small; ‘Hey!’.

“You didn’t get much sleep last night?” 

Tony took his glasses from Steve’s grasp, wiping the lens where his thumb had left a smudge. “I was catching up on all the work we missed.”

“I’d be happy if I believed you.” He said almost instantly, Tony hated how he could see through him.

“I’d be happy if we left, like now. I got my ID. Let’s roll.”

“Well you know I can’t let you drink Tony, please let me at least try and be responsible. Is your mom even okay with… this?”

“All she wants is me to like you. Makes her life easier. She’s too zonked out to notice anyway.” His voice trailed off toward the end. “Also – who said I was drinking, I never said I was drinking, you did.” He sprouted suddenly and shrugged his shoulders, it caused the collar of his tee to fall down his left collarbone.

“Okay, then I say you’re not. Give it three years.” Steve half smiled. 

“I love it when you try and tell me what to do. And it’s two years actually, I’m 19 in May.” 

“Oh, What day?”

“29th!”

“Hm. I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Tony smiled. “I’m expecting lots of gifts, obviously.”

“I don’t think there’s anything I can give you that you don’t already have.” 

Tony nudged him with the tip on his elbow. The cut on his arm twisting around his wrist, exposed to Steve as he did it, a soft smirk on his lips. “You never know.”

Steve simply smiled, as he tried to find the words to say. It was strange how Tony always radiated so much light, although he looked like the sun had been taken away from him, tired, bruised and dark. Somehow his eyes always looked around with such captivating warmth, and how every time he touched him he felt like everything he knew in that moment had ceased to exist, and all he could focus on was the deep brown depths of his eyes. 

He was thankful when they left Tony’s bedroom. He didn’t like complicated, he could figure out practical solutions, find a way in, everyone has their own job to do, get out, don’t fall. Every time he saw Tony he realised there was no easy was around this, that he was a complex maze with a million entries and only one way out. 

Could they really just be friends? Considering how far they’d come would he really be able to find a way out – considering the definition of a ‘way out’. Everything would be easier if he just stopped altogether, quit, never saw him again. But he couldn’t do that, not now, not now that he’d seen into Tony’s eyes and seen what he was. Or, the way out could be an escape from this limbo of touches that made his heart think it was back in a burning jungle half way across the world, into something better and more reasonable.

He didn’t think Tony would ever be his _’boyfriend’_ , but it wasn’t implausible to think of something _more_ , right? He felt hopeless.

“Tony! Take a jacket!” His mother called as they headed for the door. 

“I don’t need one, it’s warm out. And they’re restricting.” Tony tapped his keys against his palm impatiently.

“It’ll get cold. Steve has a jacket.”

“Well I’m not Steve. I don’t let petty things like the WEATHER affect me.”

Steve laughed aloud, more than he should, Tony raised an eyebrow at him and smiled like he didn’t mean to. 

“Well, I’ll be here to say I told you so when you have a cold.” She walked to him and kissed him on the cheek the same way he had with her. Steve wished he remembered more of his mother, but he was happy Tony had this, a love that was only pure, and nurturing, although he was sure that Tony gave her trouble every now and again, obligatory.

“Doubt it. Bye.” He smiled and nearly pushed past Steve to get to the door, who waited until he could politely say goodbye to his mother. 

Steve’s bike was right where he left it, Tony had hopped over to it and ran his fingers along the seat. He enjoyed watching him. 

“I wanna be out all night.” Tony tipped his head up. “I’ve decided.”

“Do I not have a say in this?”

“Nope.”

“Alright boss, where we goin?” 

“First of all, don’t tempt me, cause I will be the boss of you, and there’s nothin you can do about it. And – second avenue, near 72nd street. I got a place in mind, or five, I don’t know, let’s just see where the night takes us.” Tony patted Steve on the arm, while he latched onto the words as if they were ringing in his ears suddenly.

_Us._

Steve bit his lip to hold back a smirk. “I trust you.”

Tony’s grip on Steve’s waist was much looser as he tore down the streets, slipping in and out of traffic. Steve didn’t especially like to show off but he felt a greater rush of adrenaline coursing through him when he was with him. 

He wasn’t quite sure where Tony was taking him but he was happy to be led. It had begun to get darker and so he parked in a busy spot, and walked beside Tony down a road lined with clubs and stores, flickering windows filled with trinkets and toys and people, but he watched Tony. How he just kept talking, you followed his mouth more than his body, like there was nothing else around but the words dancing out of his lips like song and the ever so slight confidence in his stride. 

“So, I thought we’d go to this club, well, bar.”

“I haven’t been to a club since I was – well, your age.” 

“I wanna see your moves grandpa.”

“I’m not really a dancer.”

“That’s what people who like dancing say.” 

“Bucky tried to teach me how to dance, so I could impress girls.”

“How’d that work out?”

“What do you think?”

Tony snorted. “I bet you’re better than you think.”

“With the right song I suppose.”

“Or the right person.” 

Tony looked up at him, just long enough for Steve to look back into his eyes, until he wretched them away.

He began digging into his pockets as he walked, huffing in frustration. 

“What you lost?”

“Ugh, nothing, I left my –“ he looked around the darkening street, and kept walking. On the sidewalk, leant against a wall beside a low lit door decorated in stickers and small neon signs were two drag queens, smoking, on edge and relaxed at the same time. Tony approached the shorter man, who donned a tall pink wig and a short spotty dress, Steve had read about such entertainers in the paper, he didn’t think too much of it, Tony didn’t seem to care, Steve stood behind him with his hands buried deep in his pockets waiting to carry on walking. “Hey miss, can I have one of those?” He nodded at the cigarette between his mannish fingers, that stood out beneath the orange and pink bracelets dangling off of his wrist. 

They gave him a cautious look before bouncing off the wall, pulling one out of a pack and handing it to him. He placed it in his mouth and leaned forward so it would be lit for him, it was. 

Steve just smiled, feeling a little out of place. “What’s your name darling?” The taller of the two pointed at Tony, his fake nail sharp and painted neon green. 

“Tony. You?” He blew smoke out of the corner of his mouth and stood arm to arm with Steve, causing the strangers to exchange glances and smirks with each other, Steve was uncomfortable, but he would do anything with Tony, he begun to realise. 

“Crystal. With a K.” There was a feminine drip on the end of his words, hanging onto each syllable with the back of his tongue. The pink heels he wore weren’t very tall, but he wore long pinstripe flared trousers that made him tower over Tony, and Steve, his blonde wig made him even taller. He smiled at Tony through his overlined painted pink lips, and he grinned back.

“Alright Crystal with a K and…” Tony blinked at the man who’d given him a cigarette, which was now nestled comfortably between his fingers. 

“Bob.” 

“Right. What’s inside?” 

“Who’s the bodyguard?” Crystal with a K said in a loud abrasive voice.

Steve suddenly realised he was being spoken to and extended his hand out. “Uh, Steve.” They giggled, Krystal took his hand first, picking it up delicately despite how rough and large they were, the other held the tips of his fingers as if they were a royal who hadn’t been curtsied too, and would wait for someone else to reprimand this person later. 

“You wanna know what’s inside?”

Tony looked to Steve with a small shrug, to ask if he was okay with that. Steve was not used to such spontaneity, but he nodded.

“Come on loves.” ‘Bob’ sang and grabbed Tony’s hand, he pulled them both through the door, they were faced by a waterfall of beads dangling from the ceiling, Steve pulled them aside so Tony could walk through them, and music, so loud but it had been restrained by the door. 

It was like they’d been taken into another universe, as they headed down several dimly lit stairs into a secluded showroom filled with men, smoke machines clouding their faces but they looked happy, dancing together freely while Sylvester played throughout the room. There was a stage, where it looked like someone may perform later in the evening, but there were other drag queens spotted about the room, dancing, shouting. Steve hadn’t ever seen something quite like it, Tony was surveying the room in amusement, allowing himself to be led to the middle of the room by Bob. 

The club smelt like lemons and sweet cologne, blue and red lights flickering and flashing above them, it room him some time to take it in, how alive it was despite how hidden it was underground in a neat corner of New York. Tony sat in a round velvet seat behind a table, Steve sat in the chair beside him. 

“Did you plan this?” Steve raised an eyebrow, an unapologetic smile on his face. Tony ran a hand through the curls over his forehead, propping an elbow on the seat casually.

“I’d like to say yes, but no. Something drew me in.” 

“And you drew me in with you.” 

Tony smirked and put his cigarette out on the china ash tray in the centre of the table. A man in a spotted shirt buttoned so low it exposed most of his chest, and a black ascot around his neck came to the table, asking if they wanted any drinks. Tony ordered, a vodka tonic, Steve gave him a warning look when the waiter wasn’t looking.

 _”Just one.”_ Tony mouthed across to him as the server was wrote on a tiny notepad. Steve couldn’t forgot how tempting those particular words were.

Steve ordered a coke, and Tony called him boring. 

“I have to drive.”

“Driving and cycling isn’t the same thing.” Tony teased, the waiter walked away.

“I never thought I’d be here, like this, with you. It’s not like me at all.” Steve admitted. It was true, mostly. He’d lived a fairly standard life after the war. Went to the same bar with Sam occasionally, other than that he worked, ate, tried to sleep, over and over again. Tony came into his life like the first star that you could see in the city sky since the industry came, a sudden fire inside him had awoken. 

He’d felt alive for the first time in years. And among the music and the love around him he realised that it wasn’t his frustration with Tony that had caused it.

It was just him.

“And what is like you? Dinner and a movie? Walks on the beach?” He spoke sarcastically over the bumps of the music. “I bet you’re a real romantic.”

“So this is a date?” Steve said with a sudden burst of confidence, Tony raised his brows and swiped his peach tongue across his lip, looking to the dancing couples and friends holding hands as they spun around the room. The lights followed them like moths.

“I’ve never been on a date before.” Tony finally admitted, waiting to speak as the waiter returned with their drinks. Tony gave him a bill that was much too large before Steve could interject, and they turned to each other. 

“…Well we have to do something about that don’t we?” 

Tony’s eyes hovered over Steve’s face, he used his tongue to swipe the straw in his drink up to his lips and watched Steve while he did it. 

“You’re terribly old fashioned,” he sipped. “What do you suggest?” 

“I don’t know. How could anyone impress Tony Stark on a first ever first date?”

“You could take me to the moon. Or we could wrestle. But you have to let me win. That’s the only condition, I mean I would win anyway.”

The older man laughed. “That simple huh?” 

“Well I mean if you can build a rocket.”

“That’s more your specialty. I’ll stick to the wrestling.”

“Nah, I’ll wrestle you better too.” Tony smirked and pulled the straw out of his drink so he could finish the rest of his drink, Steve had barely touched his glass. 

The last time they sat next to one another in an underground place based on secrets, forbidden passions and mutual repression for what they all felt deep in their stomachs, it was bitter, angry. When Tony had seen Steve across the room, he saw the hurt in his eyes, how their secrets had been unsheathed in the most awful way, not on purpose, a terrible accident as their naked truths spilled over each other like gasoline. 

They came here together, as what, neither of them knew. But Steve felt a million years younger than he had at that wretched bar, where he went alone, and felt alone. In this place, with Tony, he felt a chance for something new.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom. You better not stand me up.” Tony pointed at Steve as he got up, he looked around aimlessly for awhile and pretended he was just getting a feel for a club, not that he’d been looking for a bathroom for too long and was too awkward to ask. When he disappeared he knew he’d found it.

Steve’s eyes wandered, tapping his glass against his leg as if Tony had been gone hours already. 

Acrylic hands landed on his shoulders, causing him to jump and look up with curious eyes. Steve’s broad shoulders seemed uncomfortable disproportioned in the chair, especially under the green fingernails from which his calm manner seemed to contrast greatly, his strong jaw seemed to loosen as he realised it was Krystal, he walked around the seat and rested against Steve’s armrest. 

He held his hands together in his lap above his thickened thighs, a faint smile as he looked up at the queen. 

He smiled at Steve wickedly, but it was comforting in a way, he felt like he was in the presence of a greater being than himself, that had ascended the bounds of norms and judgement, someone away from the ideas that had plagued how he saw himself his whole life. He squeezed his shoulder gently, “Steve, was it? Oh, You’re a whole man, honey.” His voice was somber and soothing, Steve rubbed his thigh, he never knew how to deal with boldness in his direction.

Laughing awkwardly. “Yeah, Uh thank you.”

“Where’s that boy you were with? He was sweet.” 

“Bathroom.”

“Hm.” 

Steve looked away and stared at his nearly full glass, the bubbles exploding over and over again. Krystal hummed in thought.

“What’s going on there?” 

“With him? Nothing. We’re friends… I guess?” 

“Friends?” He laughed in high, bellowing shrieks. “I would’ve thought it was simply illegal to look at a friend like that.” 

“That obvious huh?” Steve said, a little pathetically.

“If my ‘friend’ looked at me like that, we wouldn’t be sittin’ n’ talkin’ around this sad little table!” Steve blushed. “God he’s so cute I wanna squeeze him. You care about him?” 

“…I do.” 

“Then just love! Just love, honey.”

“It’s… complicated.”

“Complicated?! So much drama! And for what!? He’s here with you ain’t he? And I bet there’s no one else he would rather be here with. And one like that? You gotta hold onto him or he’ll slip right out from between your fingers! And then see what complicated is worth! Ah!” 

Tony re-emerged from around the corner, smiling at Steve as he approached the table. Krystal smiled at them both, and gently hit Steve’s arm with the back of his hand, raising his finger and pointing at him. 

“And I’ll be seeing you around, mister.” He walked away and left them both with a devilish smirk.

“Wow, my first date and you flirt with someone else while I’m in the bathroom, typical!” Tony grinned. 

Steve looked at him in awe. How his glasses bumped up his nose when he smiled, how full and lively his cheeks looked and the light he radiated in the darkness. _Take Me Home_ began to play, and more people rose from their seats to dance, the thrill of the night taking over.

“Hey. I love Cher. She’s great, right? Let’s dance. You can show me some of them skills you learnt.”

“Oh Tony I don’t know, I’m not-“

“Come on!” He tugged on Steve’s bicep playfully, and Steve enjoyed how his hands barely fit around it so he stood up, with a face of faux reluctance. 

Tony pulled him into another realm when they were on the dance floor. He moved about so freely, as if he wasn’t scared of anything, judgement nor death. And he connected with others as if he’d known them his whole life, he could make everyone, the couples in love, the lonely dancers, the entertainers aware of his presence, shining through them all and it was blinding.

There were some nerves in Steve’s step at first, swaying in awkwardly, out of sync. Until he realised was out of sync too, he jumped around carelessly, arms in the air and swaying around his head in orbit. And how he looked at Steve when he did, biting his tongue through his grin, every now and again brushing his hands against the hairs on his arms to encourage him, freeing him as he freed himself.

He’d mouth the words, in an over the top exaggerated way, his eyebrows danced with him, and Steve thought about complicated, and how in that moment, dancing, stupidly, with Tony, that it really didn’t matter. He was warm with him, moving his feet more comfortably and shifting closer to him, and it just felt right. 

The night carried on like that, Steve allowed himself to have one drink, and Tony to have another. Someone on the dance floor asked Tony if he was Howard Starks kid, to which Tony obnoxiously replied: _”Who’s Howard Stark?!_ ”

It got later and later, Steve saw Tony becoming tired, but it wasn’t until his small hands wrapped around Steve’s forearms, looking up at him with stars in the dark of his pupils that Steve had willed to do anything different than letting himself be free. “Steve? Let’s go.” 

“You sure?” It was like everything around him stopped, although it kept moving, onwards.

“Yeah. Get me outta here. Let’s go to your place.” He licked his lips, it took everything Steve had not to whisk him off his feet right there in front of everybody and carry him into the night. 

Tony practically ran out the door, screaming goodbye to the people he’d met, Steve giving a warm and knowing smile to Krystal as he followed in Tony’s chaos. The sky had turned black in the time they’d been there, Tony wrapped his arms around himself. 

Steve didn’t have to ask, and knew he shouldn’t or else he’d annoy him. He shrugged off his jacket and held it by the shoulders, waiting for Tony to step into it. 

“Shut up.” Tony mumbled as he slipped his arms through Steves corduroy, slightly too big on the shoulders as he dropped it to sit on his body. 

“Didn’t say nothin’.” 

A couple of average looking men walked past, the door was still swinging shut, the music fading in an out. One of them sniggered as they passed by, muttering something under his breath, and Steve forgot he wasn’t a poor kid who loved getting into scraps in Brooklyn, newspapers in his shoes. 

“What was that?” Steve stood on the sidewalk with such dominance it felt like he took up the entire width of it, dignified tilt of the head as Tony watched in surprise and amusement. 

“I weren’t talking to you.” The man turned around and began to retrace his steps, his partner following beside him. “You better back off.”

“Sure seems like you were. Got something to say?” 

Steve didn’t start fights for no reason. But he hated bullies. That was that. That wasn’t to say the small smug smile on Tony’s lips out of the corner of his eye didn’t motivate him more, he was protecting him, really.

“Nothing to you, asshole.”

Steve almost smiled but he wouldn’t get too ahead of himself, he didn’t know what got into him. “Okay, well unless you’re gonna apologise to me and my friend here, you should probably just run along.”

The man laughed, a little unsure. “Fuck you, and your friend.” 

“Rude.” Tony mumbled from behind him, Steve reached back with his hand gently pushed him back further. 

Steve shrugged. “Alright.”

With a tight right hook Steve swung for the mans cheek, not like he had before with a separate man who intimated Tony, because he wanted to have an equal fight this time. 

“Ooh!” Tony exclaimed, thrilled and shocked all at once.

The strangers accomplice came for Steve after he processed the first move. He barely scraped the left corner of Steve’s lip, before his fist came into contact with his stomach. He’d gotten to his fair share of scraps in his life, he thought he’d calmed down in later life. Apparently not.

Exchanging blows until one was finally knocked to the ground, Steve took a second to catch his breath when the other attacker caught his cheekbone with his knuckle. A good hit, it caught him off guard.

Before he could retaliate, there was a sharp metal clang, and the final attacker fell to the ground next to his friend. As his tired body fell, Tony emerged from behind, holding the lid of a trash can, eyes wide. 

“Hey, look. Saved your ass.”

Steve tried to catch the air in his lungs and smiled breathlessly. “I wouldn’t say that.” 

Tony shook his head and kicked one of the guys on the ground who was cradling his stomach. He smiled wild, and stepped over them to reach Steve, touching a small cut on the shadow of his cheekbone that made him wince. “You’re crazy. Lets go.”

Tony seemed more ecstatic as they made their way to his bike then he was before. Steve had grew tired, and was only slightly in pain but he wouldn’t let it show, not while Tony was going on, and being proud of himself. Tony didn’t seem to question any of it, and wanted to get to Steve’s apartment as soon as possible. At one point, Tony referred to it as ‘home’ without noticing, and Steve wouldn’t bring it up in case it was just poor phrasing or a slip of the tongue. But he enjoyed listening to the words spill out of Tony’s mouth as different parts of his face and stomach throbbed. 

His apartment was dark, Steve simply turned on a lamp by his bed that had a round yellow shade around it, wanting to avoid a glaring bright light. As they entered together, Tony shrugged off Steve’s jacket and threw it on a chair, and he put his hand around Steve’s waist. 

“You okay? He got some good licks in.” His voice was smug, but Steve enjoyed the touch, he chuckled breathlessly. 

“There’s a first aid kit in the bathroom cabinet, if you will.” He sat on the edge of his bed and withheld a groan as he did. 

While Tony was rummaging around, which made Steve wonder if he knew what a first aid kit looked like, because he didn’t have much else in there, he unbuttoned his shirt to see if there was any bruising on his ribs, tossing it to his side so he could put it on again shortly. 

“I feel like you’re not talking about how I totally saved yo-“ Tony stopped when he saw Steve and looked away quickly, “saved your ass back there, like… totally bad ass.” He had the first aid kit under his arm, and a bottle of aspirin between his fingers. 

“Thanks.” 

“No, I can do it.” Tony flicked Steve’s hands away dismissively when they reached for the supplies. He clicked the box open on the bed beside Steve’s thigh, being careful not to let his eyes wander. After retrieving a wet cloth, and some disinfectant, Tony stood between Steve’s open legs, as they pinned firmly to the floor, and began dabbing the sliced skin on his cheek, quietly, in the dimness of his apartment. “Look who’s nursing who now, right?” He muttered, a sarcastic curve on his reddened lips. 

“I didn’t ask you to.”

“Oh shut up.” 

It was calm, like everything that happened in the night had settled, the blanket of the moon only wrapping itself around them, and their purpose in his small, homely place. 

From this angle, tony noticed something he hadn’t before. His fingers traced delicately across the back of Steve’s right shoulder, dropping the cloth to the bed, there was a string of raised red skin in a tiny loop in his back. Steve became more antsy as Tony’s hands explored.

“What’s this?”

“Just an old scar.”

“Hm? What from?”

The older man gazed up, meaningful eyes, serious to grab Tony’s attention. “I was shot.” Tony looked as if alarm bells were ringing in his head and behind his ears. “Yeah, I’m no doctor, but it don’t go all the way through and I don’t know if that’s better or worse, but it was in a pretty fortunate place?”

Tony was quiet for a while, and then squinted. “Idiot!”

“What?”

“Don’t go starting fights when you got this. You’re… Ugh… Steve.”

“I can’t remember the last time I got in a fight.”

Tony picked up the cloth once again and patted the tiny cut on Steve’s lip, brushing his thumb across the stubble on his chin in the process. “Liar.”

Steve’s cotton blue eyes blinked up at Tony. “What?” Tony just smiled, in fondness and disbelief.

“I know what you did. I know you hit that guy. After that charity gig? I know you think I wouldn’t find out, I did, I always do.”

“Oh… I hope I didn’t cause any trouble.”

“No, I mean, I saw that shiner you left on him, pretty impressive. But still…”

Steve was silent.

“Aaaand what I’m trying to say is, thanks for my having my back.” He licked his lips in thought, while Steve’s parted, looking into Tony’s great abyss. “I hate men like him. I’ve always just had to deal with it. Can’t cause trouble you know? For the company, there’s all this politics behind it. I don’t know. Just don’t get shot again. And don’t hurt yourself.”

“Okay. I won’t.” Steve smiled softly. 

Steve reached up and held onto Tony’s wrist, causing him to stop tending his wounds. 

“Wish I could’ve been there to see it though, like tonight.” He smirked. 

“I… I don’t want you to get hurt, I won’t let you get hurt.” Steve said softly, yet strongly.

That was Steve’s confession. His ode to protecting Tony, however he could, even if he didn’t want it. It wasn’t condescending, it wasn’t because of his age, it wasn’t because he was smaller than him. He’d seen into Tony’s soul, even if it was just in glimpses, and decided that he would do anything f defend this newfound light in his life, even if it turned out to be blazing fire that destroyed him in the process. 

Tony’s smile faded, pressing the cloth against the corner of Steve’s mouth as he thought, as he drank in Steve’s words. 

He replaced the towel with the touch of his lips, leaning down to meet Steve’s face, dropping the cloth, dropping everything. Tony placed his whole weight and his heart onto Steve, straddling his hips on the edge on his bed, tongues twirling, big hands running up Tony’s arching back as the boy was slot perfectly in his lap, his own small fingers reaching around into his hair. 

“Tony.” Steve huffed breathlessly into his mouth as the boy rocked against him slowly, desperate not to pull away, but he did, staring at Tony’s face, inches away, his glasses had been pushed a little further up his nose. “If we do this… I don’t want it just to be another… thing.” Steve’s breath was a whisper against Tony’s cheek, holding him tightly on his lap.

Tony chewed his lip. Eyes flickering like a fireplace, back and forth as if a million thoughts were sparking into the air, until he finally nodded. “Then it won’t.”

With that, their lips met with greater tension, Steve grasping for Tony’s shirt like he was grasping for air in his lungs. He enjoyed Tony in his lap, straddling him, their hips grinding against each others like two pieces of a puzzle, how Tony squirmed as Steve’s lips trailed down his neck, his bare chest, tongue gliding over his nipple. Tony made small, shy noises, Steve didn’t look at his face then, he didn’t want to see Tony’s red, bashful cheeks and have him try and look away in shame. 

“Gorgeous.” Steve whispered into Tony’s olive skin, it smelt like tangerines, and he tasted like salt. He wanted him there, on top of him, and rustled both of their jeans down the best he could.

He helped Tony get comfortable, murmuring encouragement into the bane of his neck, until Tony decided, determined, desperate, to lower himself onto Steve’s cock, tethered breaths as he got lower, Steve’s rough hands clasped around his hips, biting the inside of his gum to hold back to moans that might escape from his mouth and onto Tony’s chin. 

The noise Tony made when he sat down all the way almost drove Steve over the edge, restraining himself not to flip Tony over and fuck him until he couldn’t properly speak. But he let him hide him, it was enough just to see his face and hear the noises that were like music in his quiet apartment. He arched his back, hips swaying up and down, over and over, Steve’s hands slid up his back, holding him, nurturing him. 

As he picked up the pace, Steve had to lean back and watch him, stroking him as he did, which only seemed to egg him on more. “A – S – Steve, Jesus.” He pulled his glasses off of his nose and chucked them to the side. Air rising up and down in his chest as he rode him. Just for good measure, Steve bucked his hips upward, a choked sob sparking out of Tony’s throat, so he did it again, and again, his hand a tight fist around Tony’s shaft, forcing loud sobs out of him until white shot up his own stomach. Breaths quivering in the damp air back into the calm night.

Tony stayed in Steve’s bed for a long time. Neither of them were asleep, simply lying beside one another. Tony smoked, he’d bought a pack on their way home, and held his cigarette to his hip as he rolled to look at Steve, laying on his back, his broad chest open for Tony’s head to rest itself on, and he did, after admiring him for a second.

“You know… you can stay.”

“I know.” Tony had never slept at another persons home before, besides his friends, he’d never spent the night with an encounter, he felt strange for even considering it. But he was sedated, comfortable in the nook under Steve’s arm, he didn’t want to move although he thought he should.

“Did I do alright? On your… first ever first date?” He ran his fingers idly through Tony’s messed up locks, smiling down at him softly, feeling the warmth of his naked body next to his.

“You did good. Picked me up from my house, check. Actually rang the doorbell, check. Took me somewhere cool, check. And among other things… check. Only thing is, you didn’t bring me flowers, which I thought was like major date requirements.” He blew smoke to the ceiling and Steve rubbed his arm in slow circles.

“You seriously want flowers?” 

“Duh. Who doesn’t want flowers? That’s romance.” 

Steve donned a sad smile, and tried not to think about the past. Out of the quiet, Tony sat up and dropped his cigarette into an empty mug on Steve’s bedside table. 

“I saw a dead body.”

“Huh? Wait, what?” Steve sat up beside him, and pulled the blanket further up Tony’s chest, causing him to shiver slightly. “When?” He narrowed his eyes in concern. 

“Last night. It was weird.”

“That’s a very morbid thing to bring up after… Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Just…” His big tired eyes gazed at Steve next to him. “Last night, and today… Actually everything, it’s made me realise that I don’t wanna waste my life. I don’t wanna just exist. I don’t want to die… nothing. I want to do things with who I wanna do it with. Like you. I wanna be better, and I wanna be better with you. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

Steve kissed the middle on Tony’s forehead before he looked back at him. “You never fail to surprise me, Tony. I never know what to expect when I’m with you. But I’m… I’m ready for anything.”

“You’re gonna get tired of me.” He said it so quietly, it was as if it was to himself rather than Steve.

“I’m tired of playing it safe. I’m tired of existing, too. But you, Tony, you don’t understand.”

“What?”

“Im awake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a late chapter, been busy with exams and honestly! I saw endgame opening night and it took me a while to process before I could feel okay writing this again! No spoilers !!! but we all know why I’ve been so broken! Anyway, hope this heals a little pain for those who’ve seen it, and makes up for the wait


	20. Free Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”There is a pill I've been meaning to swallow  
>  And it's shaped like a record  
> That I'd love to borrow  
> And covered in shit I've been meaning to wallow in  
> I don't know where I'll be tomorrow_
> 
> _I'm free as a bird  
>  I'm free from my words  
> I'm free as a bird flying over the sea who just can't find the summer”_  
> ~AJJ

Tony didn’t end up staying the night after his ‘first ever first date’. He considered it, he really did, but he wasn’t there yet. But he did lay his head on Steve’s chest for as long as he could, looking to the window where the sounds of cars came from, an overwhelming amount of calmness in his body as he hadn’t been jumped up on adrenaline. He didn’t often feel relaxed, there was always some form of worry, anxiety in his stomach lingering with him while he ate, while he socialised and while he slept. There was of course, the fear. Fear of death, seemed to explain how he felt, as no one truly knew what happened after the stopping of your heart, it was a fear of the unknown, that was – Whatever this was – with Steve. 

And while the fear settled in the back of his throat he swallowed it down. And although Steve knew it too, he knew Tony, although he’d glide through them, had his SATs, he wanted him to focus. That didn’t seem to stop the intimate evenings and fractured moments together over the following weeks. Steve wasn’t actually Tony’s tutor anymore, but neither of the Stark’s seemed to question him coming over or taking Tony out, Steve was actually thankful for it, the previous labels on their relationship became increasingly uncomfortable the closer him and Tony became. He was glad to shed them. 

It was a strange few weeks, but they went by blissfully, May was warm and they were too. Damp nights in the workshop of the Stark mansion, the metal table was always unforgivably loud as it squeaked back and forth beneath them, but Tony always promised no one could hear them, in a low, desperate voice as he clung onto Steve’s back. Still, it was difficult to keep quiet, actually, it was more difficult to keep Tony quiet than anything. For someone who glazed around with a cool, calculated persona he wouldn’t have realised he would be so unashamedly loud in bed, but he let him bite into his shirts or his skin, and would often leave little red marks along his shoulders that he’d have to button up his shirts all the way to hide for the days after. After awhile it seemed like he’d caught on to how pink Steve turned when he noticed someone looking at them, so that even when they were in the solitude of Steve’s apartment, rolling around in his bed endlessly, or while they sat next to one another around his small dining table, Tony left lovely purple bruises across Steve’s collarbones, like it was amusing to him. 

Other times, it didn’t piece together as well as they liked. Other times it was awkward, and messy. They almost got caught, one night in the workshop, Steve had Tony against a tall cabinet filled with equipment that rattled quietly inside. Initially, Steve planned on helping Tony study, and acting as a make do assistant in the lab while he engineered. Those plans fell apart as soon as they saw one another, straining conversation for the first ten minutes of their meeting until the boy jumped in his lap after saying - _”Ugh I cant take this anymore._ ”. He thought that maybe he didn’t mean to say that out loud, because he quickly stopped anymore words protruding out of Steve’s mouth with a sloppy kiss. Once they had somehow got to the cabinet, Tony’s thin legs around Steve’s waist, one of them allowed to fall, ankle grazing his hip while the held the other up by his thigh. Tony’s hands gripping the roof of the cabinet as Steve fucked him, sucking the skin beneath his chin. The strength in Steve’s thrusts combined with Tony pulling and grabbing onto the cabinet forced a box filled with various flasks and Bunsen burners to come crashing to the ground. At first, Tony urged him to keep going, but the sound of soft footsteps at the stairs leading to the lab made them both snap back into reality. 

Thankfully in their frenzy they kept most of their clothes on, Steve helped Tony pull up his jeans before himself, and they both managed to be somewhat presentable albeit red in the face when Jarvis came into the room. He looked at them both curiously, they both stared back. Tony suddenly turned to Steve and exclaimed; _”I told you you weren’t tall enough to reach it!_ ” Steve had just coughed to fill the silence that followed, and Jarvis left without a word.

It made Steve feel like a teenager, the hickeys, the sneaking around, the hot summer nights, fooling around with no other purpose, or ambition for the world. 

After that, Tony said he didn’t want to continue, and Steve was fine with that. They were both frustrated, something they would have to deal with when they were alone in their own rooms that night. Looking back on it, it seemed like Tony assumed Steve would just leave, but he didn’t, he gladly sat next to Tony up until the late hours of the night and watched him build, not quite sure what he was doing but he enjoyed it. Tony often chewed on things when he was thinking, like a pen or a screwdriver or the back of his knuckle, an in between bouts of intense concentration he would make little jokes as if he thought Steve would get disinterested, if only he knew that he wouldn’t, that it was enough to just admire him in his natural state. 

It was exhilarating, exciting, every time he saw Tony he could feel his blood pumping around his body a little faster and his veins burning out of his skin. Even that night, when they had resided to the couch in the corner of the workshop, and Tony simply rested his head on his shoulder, it seemed to send shocks through his system. However, among it all, among the soft smirk Tony shot up at him when he was on his knees, how he looked in Steve’s plaid shirts hanging loosely off his body, the little sigh he made that night as he thoughtlessly nuzzled into Steve’s neck, was the constant reminder of what might never be, unspoken words, the fear.

It was Tony’s 19th birthday. Fittingly, it was the hottest day of the year so far. A few nights prior, Steve had dinner with Tony and his mother. Howard was out of town, and Tony made sure to mention more than once that, _”Oh yeah. He’ll be home by then. For sure.”_ Steve offered to wash up, therefore Tony helped him by proxy, but made sure to make a fuss about it once they were alone. In between Tony handing Steve plates to dry, instead of a dish, Tony slid one of the unused napkins across the counter. On it, scribbled in ink that had sunk through the layers and partly smudged by some water from Tony’s hand, was; _’I want u 2 come over on my b-day.’_ Steve realised Tony was looking back at a plate in his hand mindlessly, Steve smiled. He grabbed the pen that rolled past Tony’s hand and simply wrote - _’Okay’_ and slid it back over to him. He saw him glance at it, and simply nod, handing Steve a dish, and he didn’t notice that Steve saw his cheek crease into a smile out of the corner of his eye.

Later that night, lying naked beneath a thin blanket on the couch in the workshop, Tony tiredly mumbled that he was having friends over on his birthday, and that he should come over later in the evening. And that was that. 

With nothing to do until then on the day, Steve helped Sam out at group therapy. They sat next to one another on two plastic chairs after clearing away the rest. Steve missed him, he’d avoided going in a while and they never had many opportunities to see each other. 

“So. How’ve you been?” Steve tilted his head, smiling in a caring way he always did. 

“Ain’t I supposed to be the one asking you that?” He returned the smile, folding his arms over his stomach. “Coming for my job.”

Steve laughed with his chest. “The hours over. I’m speaking as a friend now.”

“A friend, oh right I see. Well, I’m doin’ fine. Been thinking about flying again.” 

Steve always enjoyed looking at Sam, he thought he was a good looking man, who always looked clean and presentable, his beard neatly trimmed and precise. He remembered Tony telling him about how his friend Rhodey wanted to be in the Air Force after college, of course, Steve wouldn’t bring that up now. 

“That’s good, Sam. I know it’s not been easy.”

“How about you? Sleeping?”

“Better. But that’s not saying much.” He shrugged.

“Still. Better than nothing. Any particular reason?” He asked in his somber voice. 

Steve thought for a moment, “Uh.” He wondered if he was allowed to say the reason, if he was allowed to think of it that way, of anything more than it currently was. “I’ve met someone.” 

Same eyebrows raised in surprise, and a giddy smirk grew on his face. “Shit. I never thought I’d see the day. Is it serious?”

Steve blinked. “I don’t know.” His voice was flat as he shrugged once again. “It’s as serious as I’ve ever been with someone but… I think for - _Her_ it might just be a fling? And she’s a little bit younger, and even though she’s mature and smart I just can’t be sure that she knows what she’s doing. I mean I don’t even know what I’m doing. This whole thing isn’t really part of my routine.”

“And what is your routine? Sitting around at home, depressed, angry etcetera. You know what I think?”

“That I’ve been needing to get laid for about five years? Yes, you’ve told me.” 

“Well, that. And I think you feel guilty.” Steve clenched his jaw but let him continue. “I bet you’re scared, and you think if you move on you’re doing something wrong, that you’re giving up. You’re a human being, man. You can’t live in the past forever, you’re allowed to get outta’ your routines.” 

“…The hours over you know?” Steve smiled slightly.

“Yeah, I’m speaking as a friend.” He repeated Steve’s words and it made him smile. “You like her?”

He chewed on the question for awhile. Realised that if Sam saw Steve with Tony he might be able to see that, yes, he did, like the drag queen he’d met a couple weeks ago. But this wasn’t an assumption, the outright question made him think just about what ‘like’ was and what it meant to him and what it meant to Tony and what it meant to Sam. A simple ‘yes’ would suffice, generally speaking. But it wasn’t enough to explain what was going in motion in Steve’s mind, his body, his soul. “H- She brings out something in me I’ve never known. I mean, I’ve done crazy things, and it’s almost twisted because when I met them, my life was _fine_. But now, everything’s off it’s kilter, I’ve seen the future, and I can’t go back now.”

“Do you want to, y’know, go back?”

“I don’t want to forget, that’s a cowards way out. But I don’t know if I can be satisfied going back when I’ve been opened up to what I have now.” Steve frowned after he spoke, he didn’t really have anything, just the thought, and the purpose, he didn’t have Tony. Tony wasn’t his, and he constantly reminded himself of the fact.

“When I told you you should put yourself out there I didn’t mean have an existential crisis.” 

Steve laughed, and rubbed his hands along his face, like he was trying to wake up from a lucid dream. “You know me, never do anything the easy way.” 

Sam clasped his hand onto Steve’s shoulder, and patted it a few times in a rough, boyish way meant to comfort him. “I do know you. And I know you’re a drama queen. You’ll be fine.” He took his hand away once Steve looked up. “How about we just talk about the basics? She cute?”

‘Cute’ was not a word Steve would use to describe anyone. Though, several images flashed through his mind, first was Tony under the shallow orange tree, blush lips sucking juice off of his thumb, how he maintained eye contact with Steve as he did it, as if he knew. And then he recalled the time Tony, in a feeble attempt to comfort him, made his robot pour Steve a drink, he remembered the way he bit his tongue as he hoped would work, how that was the first time it occurred to Steve how beautiful Tony was in his own way – cheeks stained with oil that had also trickled down his shirt, his lips parted ever so slightly when he was listening. Or sometimes he would allow himself to indulge in the more intimate moments without feeling guilty for it, times where he could admire Tony beneath him, naked, his skin soft under his touch and cheeks red, his lips wet, panting in desperation. He always smelled clean, like tangerines and lemongrass, cigarettes burnt on his tongue, like it was there to remind him of the boys spite, of a heated row on a rooftop or the way he pulled the blondes hair that evening he showed up at his apartment, damp from the rain and fire in his eyes. 

“Uhm. Yes.”

-

Maria allowed Tony and his friends two drinks each. Which he was fine with, and they all knew that would be stretched throughout the night as she grew tired. It was only the usual suspects, and some family friends that had come to visit and show their face. His mother enjoyed it when he had people over, she knew where he was, she knew he wasn’t getting into trouble, she loved seeing Rhodey, who was basically like family at this point. He kissed her on the cheek whenever he said hello, and goodbye. Howard wasn’t keen, and although he was home, he only came out of his office to say hi to Sharon, who he hadn’t seen since she was in her teens. 

The sun had begun to set, casting ribbons of light onto the water, they spent most of the evening in the pool, running around and chasing one another. They’d already eaten, as per the empty pizza boxes scattered around the lawn Jarvis would anxiously look over whenever he came outside. 

Nat leaned on the edge of the pool, her red hair slicked back behind her ears and framing her heart shaped jaw. “Jarvis what time is it?” She turned back as the man swept up an empty glass from the poolside, out of annoyance rather than duty. 

“Just gone 8.” 

“Hm.” He walked off, and she turned back to Pepper who had her hair tied in a high bun to stop it getting wet, she swam close to her side, and addressed them all. “It’s 8 and the cavalry’s still not here, I think we can finally say Tony’s retired.”

Tony was floating in the water, his eyes shut to the sky. He peeked at them through one open eye. “I’m an old man now, I can’t do my back in running after you kids anymore.” 

 

“I’m two months older than you.” Rhodey chimed beside him.

“Then get back to the retirement home grandpa you’re cramping my style.” Tony wavered his hand and splashed some water over his friend, and Clint who just happened to get in the way. 

“Don’t splash me!”

Tony began to tread water, and just smirked at the other boys. He knew everyone would be surprised when he said he wasn’t having a huge party, or going out on the town all night. That was fine, right? He felt calm and generally… alright, the sun hitting his cheeks and his shoulders as it began to hide behind the city and into a sea of purple in the clouds. He didn’t feel worry as he let his hair fall back into the water, listening to his friends, his real friends, laugh, realising he was perfectly fine without the overbearing music and the sweaty bodies, that he could just float in his current existence, every time he felt more and more purpose in his soul. A burning purpose.

He was lost in thought until an annoying burst of water shot across his face, narrowing his eyes at the perpetrator, which was Clint. “You’re not allowed to splash me it’s my birthday.”

“You can’t just use that to get you out of everything.” He retorted. 

“Okay it’s my house, my pool water. Don’t _waste_ it.” 

“Mrs Stark!” Clint called, Maria was sat on the lawn next to Sharon, who only meant to say hello and happy birthday, but ended up getting roped into his mother’s drowsy conversation. She popped her head up when he called, singing a quiet _”yes, dear?”_

“Is it alright if I splash Tony with your pool water?!”

She nodded, obviously, “of course?”

“Okay great! Thanks Mrs Stark!” He immediately pushes against the water with the full force of his hands and caught Nat and Rhodey in the process, Pepper had managed to perceive what he was going to do and migrated to the other side of the pool.

“Do you boys ever stop?” Natasha huffed a laugh and joined pepper, slinging her arms around the thin girl. “I mean, honestly, it’s just water, you’re already in the water, why do you get mad that there’s more water?”

“Because I didn’t ask for the water to be there.” Tony squinted and hurled water across at her. She blinked and tried to hide her annoyance behind a crooked smile. 

Before she could ever attempt to swim to him, splash him or even make a snide comment, was lifted up into the air above Clints shoulders, shouting as he held her in the air, holding her shins tightly over his chest so she wouldn’t fall. Pepper seemed amused but also made sure to get out of the way as quick as possible, until –

“OH, I see how it is.” Tony ducked into the water and hurled Pepper onto his shoulders as she passed by him, holding her up a little clumsier at first, she screamed and leaned down the best she could without falling off to try and hit his chest.

“Tony! Put me down! Now!” She squealed, and turned red when she saw Nat had begun to laugh too.

“Blame Clint for this, there’s one possible outcome to this scenario.”

“Yeah you gotta fight.” Rhodey laughed as he pulled himself up onto the poolside, dangling his legs into the water, getting ready to watch.

“I didn’t agree to this.” Pepper folded her arms as still as she could, cautious that she would fall off of Tony’s shoulders.

Nat smirked and flicked her hair off of her shoulders. “You scared?” 

Tony glanced over at Rhodey, they passed each other knowing glances. 

“…Okay, bring it on.” Tony always smiled when Pepper tried to sound tough because she didn’t realise she intimidated everyone even when she wasn’t trying. 

Pepper was timid at first, but when Nat reached to wrestle her in the air she immediately began flailing her arms around in an attempt to knock the other girl over. 

“C’mon Pep, we gotta show we’re as tough as these losers –“ 

“Losing your balance there Tones?” Clint grinned, Tony scrunched up his nose.

“She’s like 6 foot tall gimme me a break. It’s just physics.” He grumbled.

“Shut up Tony –“ Pepper groaned as she struggled above him, her slim thighs tensing on his shoulders.

“This is the lamest game of chicken I’ve ever seen in my life.” James spoke from the sidelines. 

“Oh you wanna take over?” 

“I’m not getting on your shoulders Tony.”

Tony choked out a laugh as he tried to stop himself from falling over, let alone the girl on his shoulders. “You’re right I should get on yours!”

“Yeah right like – Uh, Tony –“ Rhodey interjected.

“Kinda in the middle of something here!” He said in between huffs of laughter.

“Tony!”

“What?!” The boy looked over at his friend, who nodded to the opposite side of the pool where the mansion stood. 

By the grand lawn doors that opened up into the mansion, curtains swinging in waves in the faint wind stood Steve Rogers, an awkward smile on his face and a hand held up before shoving it into his pocket. Tony felt a grin spread across his cheeks without his meaning to. 

“Oh!” He exclaimed and let go of Peppers legs, causing her to fall back into the water, screaming his name as she did. The others sniggered as she rose up out of the water, hair soaking and anger on her face, but Tony was suddenly oblivious. He felt them all beginning to exchange glances as he pulled himself out of the pool, like everything else had ceased to exist. “Sorry Pepper I’ll Uh, make it up to you.” He muttered and walked with wet feet to Steve, hair dripping onto his shoulders and down his chest.

Steve wore a pale rosewood shirt, almost buttoned up to his neck and tucked in a smart fashion into his pants, his smile growing ever more as Tony approached him, sun kissed cheeks and wet hair. Laughs trailing behind him from the pool. “Hi.” Steve said simply, he looked a little embarrassed, but seemed to radiate warmth at the sight of Tony’s smile. “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks. I feel like I’m wiser already.” He ruffled his hair, damp strands falling over his forehead, making him look absurdly youthful, his skin was glowing. “We should probably talk inside. My friends are nosy and if my mom sees you then you won’t escape.” Tony grabbed a towel above a lawn table and threw it over his shoulder. 

Steve gladly followed him inside, feeling over exposed in front of Tony’s peers, wondering if they knew. “I don’t have to stay long.” Tony left trickles of water onto the wood in his path. “I just… came to say hi.”

“Rogers, remind me again, who asked you to come?” He stopped and stared at Steve with a tilted head, raising an eyebrow. The blond let out a breathy laugh. “Exactly. So, just don’t.” 

He looked at Tony with a feeling of fond recognition, like it was the first time either of them acknowledged that they actually wanted to be in one another’s presence, that Tony wanted Steve to be share his space, see his friends, the fire that looked you in the eyes right before it - 

“You’re soaking.” Steve remarked, following Tony around a corner, a small nook between the Victorian walls where they were hidden from sight, shielded by white wooden columns. Tony leant against a wall in the deep of the crevice, looking up at Steve with a private smile he’d reserved just for him, and the man hadn’t known it yet. 

“Guess I cant touch you then. It’ll make it too obvious.” He leaned his wet head against the wall with a drowsy smirk. “Shame. You smell good.”

“You smell like pool water.”

“Chlorine?”

“That.” 

Tony grinned like he was holding back a small laugh, Steve mirrored him. “You know, people are gonna question you bein’ around all the time now you’re not my tutor. God forbid I might have to say that you’re… my friend.” 

“Wow, that’s just gross.”

“I know, right?” He swiped his thumb across his lower lip. “We might have to start doing friend stuff like watching movies together and…” Steve raised an eyebrow, Tony looked away with a smirk on his face that was teasing, yet his eyes would tell a different story. “Painting each other’s nails and stuff.” 

“Sounds _terrible_.” Steve almost whispered with a smile that told Tony to look back, and made him feel okay. “Speaking of gross friend stuff, I got you something.” Tony’s eyes lit up as the man began to rifle through his bag.

“You didn’t actually have to – you’re so stupid.” 

“It’s only something small, don’t get your hopes up.”

“I rarely do.”

From the depths of his bag, Steve pulled out a hand sized multicoloured cube, with several rows of red and white and green and yellow. Tony blinked at the object as he took it from Steve’s hands. 

“Is this a sex toy or something?” Tony smirked.

Steve blushed. “Uh no its –“ 

“I know what it is dummy.” It was a 17x17 version of the original 3x3 Rubik’s cube, which Tony still hadn’t solved, by the way. “This is incredibly lame, and I can’t wait for it to ruin my life.” The boy said poignantly, twisting and turning the cube in his hands without looking in fear he would get wrapped up in it already.

“I saw it and thought of you – s’posed to be more… tough?” 

Tony just smiled as Steve struggled to justify himself as he needed not to. He threw it in the air and caught it with the opposite hand.

“I can’t lie. It’s pretty cool. I hate to admit it.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m really not. I’m gonna go put this in my room.” He jumped up and down a few times and ran past the man up the spiral stair case around the corner, he felt excited, he didn’t know why. “Stay there!”

He ran past his fathers office on the way to his room, throwing the cube onto the bed before running back. He passed by the room where his father worked quietly, and thought for a moment. 

He decided to walk back a few steps, finding himself catching onto the doorway and leaning into the room, leaning against the doorframe and tilting his head, waiting for Howard to notice him.

“You’re leaving a puddle.” Howard spoke suddenly, looking up from the large file in front of him. “You better get someone to clean that up.”

“Mhm. Yeah.” 

He never expected Howard to get involved in any events in Tony’s life, celebrate with him, or just generally spend time with him, a sudden wave of shame washed over him, embarrassed he had thought he could squeeze out anything from his inattentive father, that he would ever give to him that others have been able to give him as of late.

“You know dad… I’m going to college soon, so there’s gonna be like three whole years where you’ll barely ever get to see me so…”

“Yeah. I’m aware. You’ll be out doing yourself good, making a name for yourself. Becoming a man. And you’ll realise that you don’t need to be the centre of attention all the time.” His voice was always cold, monotone, when he looked at Tony it was the same way that a mathematician looked at an equation they couldn’t find an answer to, one that would be put aside to study later, or when he was feeling particularly fruitful, it was more similar to the judges panel at an ice skating tournament, looking for perfection as well as flaws, his father was always the judge, and he was Tonya Harding. 

Tony felt his throat constricting. “When I’m gone you won’t have to pretend I’m not here. That’s all.” 

“I don’t have to pretend. I’m not pretending that you’re squandering your abilities for… what? Pretending to be like them. I needn’t pretend, I’ll leave that to you.” 

“I do so much.”

“Well, do more.”

“I hoped all week that you might be home on time… just… next time, don’t worry about it.” 

“I wasn’t worried about it.” 

“Yeah.”

“But I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Tony inhaled sharply and swiped droplets of water with his foot. “I’ll leave this here.” He dropped his towel onto floor and spread it with his foot, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He left the hollow doorway without another word. Whenever Tony tried to stop himself getting angry, or crying, his nose twitched defiantly, and he began to pull his damp hair over his forehead once again for good measure. He couldn’t tell if he was beginning to get cold from the lack of clothes on his body and the wetness of his skin, as his heart burned hot enough to evaporate the dew on his chest.

He’d almost forgotten Steve, waiting patiently behind the pillar for him, smiling at him as he came down the stairs as all was right in the world. When Tony saw him, the lump ceased from his throat, and he felt warm rather than hot.

“Nobody has come by yet but I look kinda weird just standing outside the bathroo –“ 

Tony grabbed each side of Steve’s face, ran his thumbs on the underside of his strong, sharp jaw and pulled him down, crashing his lips into his. Pulling the man into the corner with him with a kiss that was hard, yet soft as his lips always were, heavy hands on his bare waist as he kissed him back. 

And then pulling away for just a moment. “Whoa whoa – I know the gift is terrible, you don’t have to keep pretending you like it.” His grin curved to one side, almost boyishly. 

Tony stared up into the blue of his eyes through his wet lashes, and longed to swim in them, and get lost, he felt like that sea would be inviting, a realised he would accept it, and finally, finally. 

Let himself float away. 

“Stay tonight.”

The boy said at once, in a low, gentle whisper, like it were his first tentative toe into the water, and he wouldn’t allow himself to be pushed. 

“Here?” 

“Where else could I mean? The McDonald’s down the street?” 

“I’m just surprised. That’s all. You’re not going out with your friends?”

“No. No I don’t think I will.”

“Your dad is okay with that?” Tony tensed, but as his brain registered he was in Steve’s hands he smiled.

“I can do what I want. Can’t you?” 

Steve squinted. And in response Tony tilted his head to the side, trying to avoid his deductions, it all just worked to make him look all the more dubious, and so he just flashed his deceptively playful smirk, while the man held him against the wall getting pulled into his trap, getting lost in the sea too.

“You really want me to?” 

“Kiss me and find out.” 

And he did. It was a kiss that made Tony feel like everything was okay. That was free from judgement, and expectations. Something his father would never be able to take from him. The rebellious side of him was ultimately thrilled with every touch, every glance and kiss, a symbolic _’fuck you!’_ to his father. Compared to the horrible months when he’d first met Steve and those same feelings came out through sarcastic remarks and ‘lost’ assignments. The key difference was that every touch, glance and kiss began to free him from himself. And he was only beginning to let it. 

“Uh –“

They tore apart at the sudden noise. It was Rhodey, standing uncomfortably in front of them, Steve who had distanced himself as far as he possibly could from Tony, as much as the small corner outside the downstairs bathroom would allow, looking at the floor, and Tony who had a placid grin as he looked at his friend, awkward but delightfully not disgusted. 

“I need to use the bathroom.” James said in a rushed voice. 

Tony took another step back against the wall and gestured toward the door. “Through there.”

“I know.” He grumbled as he walked past them both. Steve looked at Tony like he was confused he wasn’t reacting more.

“Is this a normal thing for you two?” Steve narrowed his eyes as he pulled Tony away from the wall, provoking a small smile from Tony. 

“It’s beginning to be.”

“Does he know?” There was concern and confusion on his face, hand wrapped around Tony’s arm.

“Does he know what? That I like dick?” Steve’s jaw tensed at Tony’s brashness, as it always did. “Relax. Stop manhandling me. Save that for later.” He brushed off Steve’s hand with his, rather than shrugging away. 

Sometimes Tony found it hard to keep up with himself. He could smile at Steve, stars in his eyes as he looked at the man whom he’d once despised. And then act as if it had never happened at all, that he hadn’t shared himself with him, opening himself up like the night sky or the sea and made himself vulnerable. Somehow he knew that Steve understood, that it wasn’t a definitive end to their moments, and that the feeling still remained, even when Tony peeled his hand away, there was a familiar fondness in their banter now, even when the boy continued to tease him, and surprise him at every turn - 

Steve didn’t know, that all of Tony’s friends knew. But in learning that, trusted Tony’s judgement, and allowed him to take his hand off of him. Some would say some secrets are better kept but Steve felt glad Tony had actually talked about him, in a juvenile way, like he was some high school crush and Tony told everyone about their kiss under the bleachers, as well as a general gladness that he wasn’t a total secret, or a nobody, that he had some kind of relevance in Tony’s life, and in sharing their secret, in others lives too. Tony’s smile, generally, made both of them feel better about everything. 

“Come on. My mom will wanna see you.” Steve sighed and nodded, trying to smile past all his racing thoughts and feelings.

When they turned, Tony extended his arm to smack Steve’s behind, running past him out into the garden, tossing a grin over his shoulder before he could react. Eventually Steve caught up with him and gave Tony a scolding look.

Maria and Sharon approached them, Sharon, wore a short blue dress that framed her pale shoulders, her light blonde hair drawing over her collarbones. She always looked feminine, girlish, but had a boyish, serious attitude when she spoke. Tony didn’t know her very well, and it looked as if Maria were showing her out until Steves eyes shot up from his half-serious half-joking glare directed at Tony. 

“Sharon?” 

“Steve?”

“You know each other.” Tony squinted, watching them smile and stare uncomfortably at one another, his mother stood beside them, too inebriated to have even clocked onto Steve’s presence.

“Uh yeah, she lives two doors down from me.” Steve glanced at Tony, his eyes wide, both of them suddenly aware of the problem they’d been made aware of. Surely she should have said something if she’d seen Tony coming in and out of the building, right?

“How funny.” Maria said breathlessly.

“Yes. How funny.” Tony said.

“And we went out once.” Sharon added and then smiled as she tried to cover how much she regretted the words out of her mouth.

Tony smiled, forced as he received this information, his eyes flaring up at Steve.

“A few times actually.” Steve said with the same amount of strain, staring at Tony and trying to appease him, immediately catching onto the in-genuine smile on his face.

“Really. Wow. Big city, small world, right? Sharon is my unofficial cousin, as you’ll probably learn.” Tony peeked Rhodey walking behind him and latched onto his friends arm. “Anyway I’ll let you lovebirds catch up.” 

Avoiding all of their glances as he let himself be pulled across the other side of the lawn with Rhodey, who, knowing his friend only acknowledged it to when they were out of earshot. “Trouble in paradise?” James said in a sarcastic tone, as they made their way around the pool to the reclining lawn chairs. Nat sat on the edge of one of them, Pepper sitting on the floor between her legs as Natasha combed her sharp fingers through Peppers wet red hair, attempting to braid it for her. 

“I just wanted to check up on you and make sure you weren’t getting jealous already.” Tony teased and sat on the chair in between Clint and Nat, Pepper defiantly smacked his calf with the back of her hand as he sat. 

“Jerk.” She mumbled.

He’d left a pair of sunglasses on the round glass table, sliding them up his nose as he leaned back in the chair. Rhodey, in an attempt to irritate him or pay him back for his prior embarrassment squashed up beside Tony in his seat, but being too focused on Steve and Sharon’s conversation from across the pool, simply slung his arm over his friends shoulder to get comfortable. “Don’t be mad, Pep, Tony’s too busy drooling over his crush to notice anyway.” James grinned. 

The sun beamed on them all as it fell behind a tree shielding their bare backs, the sound of their teenage laughs blowing in the slight breeze of evening, Tony sticking out his tongue at his friend. 

“So that’s him huh?” Natasha locked her eyes onto Steve’s back like she was observing a suspect, all the while her fingers worked delicately in the taller girls long hair.

“Either that or I just caught him making out with a completely different tall blond tutor.” 

“I think we should allow Tony a little action on his birthday don’t you think?” Clint laid back and closed his eyes.

“Don’t be gross.”   
“I’m getting enough over here with you cuddling up to me like is Rhodes. You’re bein’ a real personal space invader.” Tony dipped his hand onto his friends shoulder for a moment. “And I love it.”

“He’s cute.” Nat spoke out of nowhere, Pepper looked up at her with a smirk.

“He is.” Rhodey smiled, his dark brown eyes blinking at Tony next to him. “But you’re cuter.”

“Aw really?” Tony grinned.

“No, get ya arm off me man.” 

“Tsk. You practically jumped on my lap but okay, try and fight what we have.”

“You two are literally like an old married couple that just need to get a divorce.”

“He couldn’t go five minutes without me.” James was sarcastic and slightly proud.

“I’m your rock.” Tony smiled back at him, and then observed the rest of his friends. “You know, I really love how accepting you all are. But please stop gawking at him. It’s really obvious.” Tony groaned and watched them all watching Steve. It was obvious, thankfully Steve, Sharon and Maria were too wrapped up in conversation to notice.

Steve and Sharon were laughing. 

Tony dipped his head, and pulled his sunglasses down with the tip of his finger to get a better look at the scene.

Steve looked over his shoulder, and caught Tony’s interested gaze above his glasses. 

Meanwhile, he had just been talking about the odd circumstance of their meeting that evening, funny coincidences and the like, but Steve wanted to know what Tony’s look meant, was he making sure Steve cleared up any misunderstandings, if Sharon had seen Tony around their apartment block, was he trying to eavesdrop? Then he recalled Tony’s slightly strained, “ _lovebirds_ ” – no, surely he wasn’t – he couldn’t be bothered could he?

He found out Sharon was the great niece of one of Howard’s very good but passed friends, which promoted him to wonder who of the random relatives scattered around the lawn and inside the house were really blood relatives to Tony, they had begun to start leaving, which Sharon took as her _thankful_ cue to exit too.

“Let me walk you out dear.”

“Oh- Maria it’s fine I know the house.” She clasped her hands around Tony’s mothers. Before she left the patio, turned to smile fondly at him. “Bye, Steve. See you around.”

Steve still couldn’t get over the way the way Tony’s eyes stared at him, studying, all the while wrapped up around his friend like it was nothing. Once most of the guests had left, realising Tony’s disinterest in them most likely, Steve stood with Maria by the pool, a now distracted Tony engaged in conversation with his friends, laughing and shouting as the sun set behind them. Steve tried to remember their names from the photographs.

“He was a quiet child you know?” Maria aired in her soft voice, circling her glass of wine in her aged hands and smiling up at Steve, her eyes were tired, lilac eyeshadow trying to shield it. “You wouldn’t think it would you?”

“No, I certainly wouldn’t.” The man smiled.

“He used to love reading, he was always holed up in his room – he could read a book a night.” Her eyes glossed over the water towards her son, a little sad. “Howard didn’t always let him in the workshop but he loved being down there. Now that he’s away a lot he can go down there as much as he likes but… I don’t know what he does now, I don’t want to know, he’s always somewhere, doing something.” 

Steve just tried to listen to her. The almost distant sound of laughter behind her voice. “Well, boys are like that.”

“Hm. I guess you’re right. You know he’s my only child, I was never prepared for a – for a teenager! Oh, Howard could be harsh on him when he was small but he’s bigger, and he tries to rile his father up, always trying to outsmart him. All they do is fight when he’s home.” She sighed. “I think it’ll do him good, having you around.”

“Oh – I don’t think I’ll be much help, Maria. Dads and sons are just like that sometimes.”

“No, not like that. For him, for Tony. He needs some hope in his life. He’s awfully cynical nowadays, but of course Howard and I would raise such a pessimist.” 

Steve didn’t know why Maria was speaking to him the way that she was. He thought it might be the medication Tony mentioned, or the alcohol. 

He thought of Tony on the rooftop, in his suit, staring at the sky hopelessly. Hoping he would see a star. 

It made Steve wonder if he’d be able to bring him one.

“I think you did an okay job.” Steve smiled at her comfortingly to go with his gentle tease, she rubbed his arm in response. 

“He is fond of you, Steve. He won’t admit it, _always so stubborn_ and, oh – if I said anything he would cease all contact with you whatsoever, in fear of you or – even me knowing that he has any positive regard for anyone but himself. He has so much love to give, he was such a loving boy but I – I fear to think about what made him so angry with the world. You’ll understand when you have children you – you want to give them the world but… Oh, what am I saying, nonsense, let me get you a drink.”

Steve watched her suddenly walk through the large patio doors into the light, wondering what she’d meant.

-

Tony’s friends left not too long after everyone else, draped in towels, clambering into the back of Rhodey’s car still failing to keep the seats dry. Maria went to bed, and Howard remained in his office to which Tony was grateful. After a while of tugging on his arm and nagging, Tony convinced Steve to get in the pool with him, the water looked black in the darkness, but enough light from inside the house managed to cradle the outlines of their skin. 

Tony caused a ripple in the water around them as he flung his arms around Steve’s bare shoulders, seeing his visibly uncomfortable and unsure about his position, half naked in the water, alone with him. The man caught him, hands sprawling across the boys lower back and slipping a little, but he always had a firm grip on him, he couldn’t help but smile as Tony’s nose rubbed on the edge of his own, through the dark he could see the sleek curve of Tony’s smirk, and so he pulled Tony’s small body to his.

“I have my last exam on Tuesday.” Tony grinned, wrapping his arms all around the mans neck, he seemed absurdly petite like this, all bone and water sliding off of him like silk, Steve enjoyed it nonetheless, hulking arms clinging onto Tony’s frame, as small as a firefly in his hands, lighting up the great outdoors. “And then I have prom, and then I’m gonna graduate, and go to college.” He swung his head in circles as he listed. “Are you gonna miss me? When I set off into the adult world.”

“I’m not gonna miss someone using my toothbrush and stealing all my shirts.” Tony’s back pressed against the edge of the pool as Steve guided him, all so he could get a better look at Tony’s face, and push his damp hair away from his eyes. “…I will miss you, Tony.”

”Okay, rule number one, don’t get attached.” Tony grinned. “I guess you don’t really care about rules anymore though.” 

“I told you, you’re a bad influence on me.” 

“Oh yeah, such a bad influence. I invite you over over to my house, have polite dinners, you know, typical bad stuff.” 

“Don’t act so innocent.” 

“No that’s your job. You walk around with your nice hair and your nice shirts and your nice smile, like the type you wanna take home to your mom but you have a dark side, sir, it’s just my job to bring it out.” 

“I like when you come up with these little theories, it’s cute.”

After flashing his devious smirk, Tony pushed Steve from him, further into the pool, splashing water in his direction and climbing over the edge as quick as he could. Once Steve had recuperated, Tony looked down at him as he stood on the marble edge. 

“What you gonna do?” Tony challenged.

Steve laughed breathlessly and ran a hand through his hair. “Nothing, because I’m not 5.”

“You don’t wanna play with me Rogers? Don’t want me to see that dark side of yours?” Tony bit the tip of his tongue at the corner of his mouth, a daring sparkle in his black eye that blended with the sky above him. The summer air was heavy, on his wet shoulders but hotter in his stomach as Tony looked at him, it always was. 

They stared at one another for a while. The lights inside the house were switched off, distracting Tony and allowing Steve to climb out of the pool and gain an advantage on him – Tony yelped and laughed at once, and began running across the lawn, without any grace. Steve followed him down the narrow path that led to the pond, surrounded by overgrown trees, branches and leaves hiding the way as if Tony was leading him to his own secret world, without explicitly inviting him in. 

Tony was still running, giggling when Steve tackled him to the ground, also laughing as he did. They landed by the pond, entwined as the man flipped Tony onto his back to look at him, sleeping daisies surrounding his messy head of hair, grinning and panting beneath Steve’s weight. 

“What was that Stark?” 

Tony moaned. “You’re such a brute, I thought I – I found a gentleman.” He burst out laughing after he caught his breath, lifting his elbows stained with dirt and locking his fingers with the man above him. “And I told you not to call me that.”

Steve thought he might collapse at the sight of him, the feel of him. The trees circled around them, purple leaves swung above them in the light breeze and pale moonlight, as if the city were a million miles away, and out of all of it, the insects chirping beside them and the water dripping off of their backs, Tony was ethereal. He kissed him, hard, at first, soft as he pulled away.“You’re brilliant.” Steve said suddenly, and it occurred to him it was the first time he’d kissed Tony without gaining his permission first, without him making the first move. Tony’s wet lashes curled and fluttered up at him in surprise, a curve on his lips in amusement.

“I think you got too much pool water up your nose.” 

“I’m sorry. No – you know I’m not, actually, I’m not sorry. I think you’re great. And I could look at you all day without complaining.”

“My father once said: _’great men have their fame among the great’_.” 

“Well I’m not your father. And I don’t think that’s true. I think that anyone can do great things. I mean, you’ve certainly showed me that.”

Tony raised his eyebrow curiously. “So – What then? Do we live in a world where anyone no matter who they are could bask in greatness and I’m supposed to be one of them?” 

“I’m trying to say that I – personally – me – I think you’re great, Tony. I don’t think anyone should say any different, including your father. Maybe I’ll have to say it until you believe me, that’s fine, I’ve never met another person like you, with your mind and your… everything else. If someone had told me when I first met you that I’d be here, with you, in this moment right now I’d tell em they’re crazy, and it still is, but it feels… right.”

Tony was quiet staring into Steve’s eyes. Even as he spoke it was almost like a whisper. “Do you actually mean that or are you just-“

“I mean it.”

Tony said nothing, and shuffled out from beneath Steve to sit on the damp ground he’d created. Steve sat beside him, worried for a moment that his out burst had ruined it. That he’d ruined it.

“I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be. I’m not half the man that you want me to be. I’m not Bucky, I’m not Sharon. I’m just – me.”

“Tony, I’m not half the man I am when I’m with you. Just you. No one else, I don’t want you to be anyone or any _thing_ else. And Sharon? Is that what this is about? Tony that’s not – that’s nothing, absolutely nothing and - Who do you think you’re talking to right now? Your dad?” Tony’s eyes strewn away from his toes dipping in the mud when he said it. “I don’t know who you hear in the back of your head when I talk to you but it’s not me – I… I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.” 

There was a faint buzzing around their heads, rivets in the water in front of them tiding in an omniscient presence. “I wanted to hate you so bad when I met you. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that night and tell myself to stop being such an idiot. I thought you were everything I couldn’t be but now I can see you’re as fucked as me for seeing something different in me.” He leaned in closer to the man beside him, who wrapped a tentative arm around his shoulder. “But maybe we can be fucked up together.”

“Together?”

“You wanna back out now?” 

“No – God no.”

“Okay, good.” 

Steve planted a kiss on Tony’s wet forehead, earning a sigh from the boy which was content and disgruntled all at once. This is okay, he thought. This could work. Maybe it won’t all burn down, maybe we won’t drown. 

“I still don’t know why you hated me so much.” He laughed softly.

“I never hated you. I hated the idea of you. Now I know that hating you won’t make you suck less. I never needed a tutor, I was never going to fail – he knew that. I think he just saw an opportunity, he is a businessman first, dad second, after all. And on top of that, you remind him of the ‘good old days’, during the war, before me.” 

“He really makes you feel like that?”

“He’s surely shown me enough times. Even if he doesn’t mean to. Jarvis always said after an incident: _’he hasn’t always been like this, don’t think little of him’_ \- but I just always thought – why? Why hasn’t he always been like this? And why is he like this just when I’m around? Is it me?”

“No, no it’s not you. There’s no excuse for that, Tony.” 

“Maybe not. I guess I’m used to it now. I think I’ve finally realised that trying to get his attention has never done me any good, it’s a lost cause. I’m done with lost causes.”

Steve pulled Tony’s legs over his, and pulled him closer, Tony let him. “I would say – everything happens for a reason but that’s-“

“A shitty excuse to justify horrible things.”

“Yeah. But if people lived their whole lives without any pain, as sweet as it sounds, how are we supposed to grow? How are we supposed to know what true happiness feels like?”  
Tony looked thoughtful, and rested his cheek upon Steve’s shoulder, his sleepy eyes on him. “Together. That’s how.” 

Steve felt his heart constrict in his chest. He couldn’t fathom how he had been allowed to see Tony like this, that he’d been offered a second chance in life and another glimmer of light in the icy cage he spent most of his life in since the war. And then Tony smiled up at him, scared and hopeful, determined, the boy who charmed the city and made girls feel special, looking at Steve if he were the only real thing in their quiet little cove hidden beneath the mansion. 

Tony shifted around, lying his head on Steve’s lap, cradled on his side looking out to the lake, the man couldn’t help but run his hands through his curls. “And I’m not jealous of Sharon.”

Steve found himself smiling back. “I never used the word jealous.” 

“Just clarifying.”

“Yeah, sure, I believe you.”

“I’m serious. You’re just getting full of yourself now.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Just watch it, Rogers.”

Steve bit his lip, and remembered what Tony had said before.

“Can I tell you something, about Bucky?”

“Go ahead.”

“It wasn’t like you think. We were never intimate like that.” 

“Oh?”

“I grew up with him. He was my best friend. I realise now that we were… dependent on each other. Wherever he went, I went, wherever I was, he was. Until... he wasn’t. And I realised I had forgotten how much I needed him, and I had gotten used to the feeling of being needed by someone that when I wasn’t, I felt useless.”

“You think I need you?” Tony looked up with his big dark eyes, an air of playfulness returning to his lips.

“I think I might need you.”

-

The class of ’87 had finished their final exams, and someone had decided to throw a party to celebrate although their prom was only a week away. Steve offered to give Tony a ride there, mostly for his own safety and partly because they wanted an excuse to see one another, even if it consisted of Steve sitting on Tony’s bed and watching him get ready before he took him. 

There was a somewhat uncomfortable conversation, Tony running around his room looking for a very particular black shirt had asked in a hurry: “So exactly how many dates did you and Sharon go on?” Bearing in mind, it had been almost a week since Tony’s birthday.

“Three – I think.”

“Oh god. Ew.”

“What?” 

“I know what happens on the third date.”

Steve blinked trying to understand and scoffed loudly when he did. “Wha- how would you know that, you’ve only ever been on a date with me, as far as I know.”

“It’s just what people say. Right? And you didn’t go out again after that? Gee Steve I thought you were classier than that.”

“Nothing happened.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” 

“Hm. Alright.” 

Tony usually didn’t care about being late for things, he especially didn’t care when he’d ended up on Steve’s lap and found himself simply unable to stop kissing him, even with Natasha’s prior warning in the back of his head - _”idiot, don’t be late on purpose just so you can over drink to ‘catch up’ with everyone else. I’ve got my eye on you.”_ \- still, when you’re in an affair with the excessively punctual Steve Rogers, and even he can’t pull himself away for the sake of time, maybe a person can be spared fifteen minutes or so, or thirty, or an hour.

He almost didn’t want to go, looking at his reflection in the tall mirror in his room, undecided about whether it was actually necessary, or whether he’d enjoyed himself. Surprisingly, Steve encouraged it, standing tall behind him, big arms wrapped around his stomach, kissing the back of his neck, as if he was giving him a reason he should stay home with him – Tony couldn’t deal with the decision and so Steve drove him to the apartment block. 

It was a small place, the entrance led right into the kitchen and ultimately the rest of the apartment. It was an old building, old bricks and windows stained with moss. But the party was wild, alive, the stress and burdens lifted off of his classmates shoulders and even his own. 

He distinctly remembered jumping up and down to some song by Depeche Mode with his arms around Rhodey, who was shouting the lyrics – Tony didn’t know them and could barely hear them coming out of his mouth over every other noise in the room, he clung to his friend, the apartment was too small, too crowded for everyone in it, even with the couches and tables pushed to the edges of each room. 

“How drunk are you?!” Rhodey shouted in his ear.

“I’ve had two beers! I couldn’t be more sober!”

“Really?!” 

“Yes!”

“This is it, man! This is it!”

“What are you talking about?!”

“The beginning of the rest of our lives! Me and you, against the world – right?!”

“Right! You’re high!” 

“I’m not! It’s real now, you and me, we’ve gotta stick together!”

“Duh, man, that was always the plan!”

“I just never know with you Tones! Who’s to say when we get to college you won’t leave me for a bunch of smart asses!”

“Why do you think I like you?! Cuz I love YOUR smart-ass! I don’t know why alcohol makes you so insecure, you’re MY friend. This _is_ real!” They pulled away from each other, and laughed when they saw their faces, the expression of emotion had made Tony anxious in his gut, but he felt comforted as James slapped his hand upon his shoulder. 

“We’re gonna do it, Tones!” Tony wasn’t sure what he meant, but he was comforted anyway, and confused. He started to understand what Steve might have had with his friend, a strange sort of love, the feeling that this boy would always have his back, and would never be false with him. Tony then realised it was the first time he’d told one of his friends he loved them, and wondered what was wrong with him lately. 

Their moment was swiftly interrupted by Natasha swinging herself around Tony’s torso, which made him jittery. He never realised how repulsive he found the crowds and the noise when he wasn’t intoxicated. 

“You’re not gonna believe this!” She practically screamed, clearly drunk, Pepper, behind her was also drunk, and giggled as she pulled the shorter girl away from Tony. “Randy Norton just walked in on Clint screwing his girlfriend!!!”

Tony wanted to laugh, but he felt hot, too hot, it was too crowded. Everyone was sucking up all the air in the room. 

“He’s pissed!!!”

Reminded of several terrible nights, Tony found himself locked in the bedroom apartment. This time, alone. Breathing, heavy, hard. What was wrong with him, lately? He’d known he hadn’t taken anything, been slipped anything, yet the the room was spinning around his head, his heart jolting up and down in his throat and squeezing between his lungs.

Time seemed to speed up.

Somehow he’d found himself on the floor by the bed, knees clutched to his chest and his head in between them like when he was a child. When Howard would lash out, and Tony would try and hide, hide his face, so he wouldn’t see his tears – but he wasn’t crying – he just couldn’t breathe – he thought. 

He wished he was drunk, yet he was glad he wasn’t. The whole world was spinning around him.

It felt like hours had passed until his breathing was somewhat steady again, he’d ignored countless knocks and bangs on the door, barely registering them. 

Now there was a frantic banging, like a rush past the door. Screams, and smoke under the door. 

He shakily went to the door, and the handle was too hot to touch, he winced as he pulled his hand away from it, and then it occurred to him what was outside the door. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” His throat was dry from the constant attempts to catch his breath, attempting again not to panic once more. He’d seen that the window led to a small balcony, with no fire escape. 

“Tony!” Rhodey shouted from the adjacent balcony that came from the living room, people clambering around the window as he shouted at them to try and stay calm. 

“I can’t go in the other way the – the doors –“

“The front door is completely fucked! There’s no way anyone can get out!”

Tony saw that there was a low rooftop by his balcony, with a big step, someone in his position could climb on top.

“This is a shitty place to put a window- awful – awful fucking view!” Tony yelled mostly to himself. “This is why this neighbourhood is cheap as shit!”

“Are you serious?!” 

“You know I make jokes when I’m tense!” He screamed. “I’m trying to say, if people climb onto this balcony, they can get on this roof! Come on!” Tony held out his hand across the gap, a six story drop beneath them, but it was feasible, it had to be. 

“Good thinking – no, I’ll stay and help people over, you help people onto the roof.” 

Tony took a deep breath and tried to nod, as his friend began informing others of the plan.   
They began to filter people through the window, some people pushing, desperately, trying to get out first, stepping between both terraces. Nat was tense when she came out, and offered to switch places, both of them declined. 

Pepper was shaking, and shouting at both of them, even through Tony’s small, _”Come on, Pep I got you, don’t look down alright?”_

As the fire grew greater and people became more desperate, Tony and James were helping 2-3 people across at a time, somehow Rhodes managed to stay somewhat calm, concentrated as he guided people across, Tony wondered how many people the old balconies they were on could take. A siren started to approach them.

As they helped the last few people across, Tony noticed the screws of the adjacent balcony beginning to come loose, the hinges leaving it slanted off the wall. 

Tony practically pushed the last person onto the roof, shouting over at his friend, over the sirens as he did. “Come on man, now you!” 

He stretched out his hand among the darkness, his eyes were wide, a little too hopeful. 

“Come on I don’t think that things gonna last!”

James had frozen for a moment, tethered breathing, sweat beading off of his forehead, until he finally recognised he needed to help himself. 

He stepped onto the the gate lining the balcony, there was a deafening creek, one last step, until the terrace flew off of its hinges beneath his feet, and he fell to the ground with it. 

Tony had forgotten how to breath, his hand outstretched towards nothing, staring at the ground at the haunting thud of his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! But I thought I’d make this chapter extra long because I have my a level exams and I won’t have as much time to write! Of course, I couldn’t be too nice :)  
> As always, thanks for reading + feedback is greatly appreciated!


	21. Waiting Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _”When broken bodies are washed ashore  
>  Who am I to ask for more, more, more?  
> But you're breathing in my open mouth,  
> You're the gun in my lips that will blow my brains out_
> 
> _I want to make you drive all night just because I said maybe you should come over,  
>  I want to make you fall in love as hard as my poor parents teenage daughter.”_  
> ~Phoebe Bridgers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW ~ Paralysis, talk of underage relationships/sex, violence

Tony hated hospitals. One time when he was six, he got the flu. The Stark’s had a family doctor on call but he just so happened to be out of town, so Howard, as thoughtfully as ever, put him in a children’s hospital for a week and conveniently took Maria to France. Ever since then, he hated hospitals.

That evening, in the hospital, was a blur. In between Rhodey’s parents screaming at each other outside the surgery room, _”I told you something bad would happen if we moved to this city!”_ and his mother screaming at Tony, and then his father telling him not to yell at Tony, until Howard and Maria arrived at the hospital. At that point he’d completely blacked out from worry, sickness, smoke coming out of an adjacent window and the haunting sound of a thud.

Howard did what he was good at it, he told Rhodey’s parents, told, not asked, that he would pay for the best treatment, the best doctors, and then disappeared into some room in the hospital. It was one of the few times Tony had been thankful for his father getting involved, even if it was only to better his reputation. Even in the car home, Howard was quiet, so was Maria, or they might’ve talked and Tony just didn’t register them, he only stopped shaking when he got out of the car. Tony immediately ran to room to avoid a lecture from his father, he recalled his mother quietly saying _”please just leave it.”_ to Howard who’s eyes followed him up the stairs. 

The doctors said he would be fine. Mostly. ‘Fine’ meant that he would live. He was in a coma for 37 hours, when he woke, he was alone, and fell from his bed in the middle of a panic attack. Tony hadn’t had the chance to visit him alone, every time he was with James’ mother Roberta, who often didn’t feel like talking. Natasha and Pepper came with him once, for some reason the whole situation made Natasha incredibly anxious, Clint told Tony – she’d fled when the ambulances and the police and the fire engines had showed up.

About a week and a half after, Tony finally took up the offer to stay at Steve’s apartment overnight. He said he would for comfort, which wasn’t a lie, when Steve found out about the incident and held both sides of Tony’s face, concerned eyes looking over him looking for injury, it had made him feel immediately less-awful. But he had no reason to, because Tony wasn’t the one who had been hurt – unfortunately, he thought. Steve and Tony had never slept in the same bed, (they’d fallen asleep by the pond on Tony birthday) and Tony didn’t know if he was nervous about that or anxious about his friend. 

It was 1am, Steve’s apartment was always lit with comfortable yellow lamps, that still didn’t help either of them get tired faster. 

“No no no you gotta put your thumb over the tops of your fingers, don’t put it over the top.” Steve looked aside his swinging punching bag, holding it as Tony practiced.

“Okay that could not make less sense I thought you’re supposed to be a good teacher.”

“Think you’re just gettin’ tired.” Steve smiled and Tony rolled his eyes. 

“It’s my instincts, you know, I see you while I’m punching something and my hand just does what it wants to do.” Tony smirked and Steve nudged the punching bag in his direction, Tony laughed and released a small _’Oof’_.

“You think about punching me a lot?”

“Just enough to satisfy me.” Tony smiled and hit the bag again as it returned into Steve’s hands. 

“Sadist.” Steve smiled. “Come on you can do better than that.”

Tony hit the bag harder and Steve barely moved behind it. Tony huffed in frustration, looking awfully childish in his rough band t shirt and shorts. 

“Come here.” Steve walked around the bag, around Tony, sweats hanging low on his waist. He ran his fingers along Tony’s arms, pressing close to his back, his hands travelled down the length of his body until he reached his legs.

“Something tells me you could’ve just told me what to do.” Tony smirked as Steve angled one of his legs in front of the other, twisting his hips to the side slightly to perfect his stance. 

“Would’ve taken too long.” Steve teased and kissed the curve of Tony’s shoulder before releasing his hands from his hips. “Alright, try again.” He said from behind him.

Tony swung for the bag, giving it a mock hit, flailing his hand as he punched it.

“Darn.” Tony said sarcastically. “Could you show me how to do it again?” 

“One more time.” Steve’s voice was soft, and low in his ear. 

He ran his hands along Tony’s torso, trimming his fingers between his shirt and caressing his sides. Instead, Tony turned his head, and caught his lips with his instead, searching for safety. Steve didn’t question it of course, he’d pull Tony around slowly, holding him gently in his arms. 

“I _do_ think about doing _that_ a lot.” Tony looked up at Steve’s jaw, smiling gently. “Just as fun as punching you, I think.” 

“I can tell you find it fun, you’ve burned me out.” 

“Hopefully not too much.” Tony’s lashes curled suggestively when he spoke.

Steve smiled, and kissed him again, gently, a little tired – eventually they made it over to Steve’s bed. Their kisses growing messy as they grew tired, legs locking and intertwining, fumbling under covers.The whole evening, Tony had a lump the size of a frog in his stomach and it was jumping up his throat as he kissed Steve, it was guilt.

Breathlessly pulling away, and squirming under Steve’s weight, Tony huffed. “Um – I need to pee.” 

Steve just blinked and nodded, shifting to the side of the bed. “You okay?”

“Mhm.” Tony hadn’t really thought of his reply, and just shut himself in bathroom as quick as he could.

He didn’t know what happened. This had never happened before. He had never once, in his sexual career, gone cold, and ran away. He didn’t know why.

Sitting on the lid of the toilet, he tried to breathe as quietly as he could, the more tethered it had become. Fragmented, shaky breathes hidden behind his hands, he dint know how long he sat there for.

He thought about Rhodey. And Steve. And himself, feeling pathetic and exhausted on the toilet seat. 

He must’ve been in there awhile, because Steve knocked on the door.

“Tony, is everything alright?”

Tony didn’t reply, holding his head in his hands.

“Um… I’m gonna come in, is that okay? Tell me no if it’s not.”

Tony didn’t reply once again. 

The door opened tentatively, like one would when they’re scared to see what’s inside. But Steve wasn’t scared, kneeling down beside Tony almost immediately as he saw him, concern across his brow.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” 

Tony looked at the cabinet below the sink, ashamed he’d let Steve see him like this although – he wasn’t crying, he wasn’t drunk, wobbling over and throwing up, he was just nervous, trying to breathe through his nose at a normal pace. “Nothin’.”

“Did I do something?” He asked gently, trying not to let the worry sift off of his tongue.

“Not you, I just – can’t breathe I – dunno why.” His head move more frantically as he spoke, staring at his bare feet like they were turning into mush under his ankles. “I’m okay.”

“‘Okay’ people don’t usually hide from their boyfriend in the bathroom.”

“Boyfriend?” Tony finally looked up. 

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yeah you did.” Tony let out a big breath, Steve looked down at his own knee.

“Alright be quiet.” Steve smiled and reached out, pushing Tony’s hair off of his forehead. “Tell me whats up.” 

He felt himself slowly regaining his grip on his surroundings, Steve’s gentle touches seemed to help.

“I’m serious, it’s nothing.” 

“Tony. You don’t have to do this, not with me.” 

Tony chewed on his lip

“You know I help out at that charity support group? You know the one for ex-soliders.” Tony nodded in response. “I see much, much worse. When I grew up, where I grew up, you were told not to talk about this kinda thing but I suppose Sam helped me realise it’s fine.”

Tony looked away, still, slightly more calm. He didn’t want to believe it, that it was that simple. That you could just be open about your feelings and not just try and shove them back down ur throat the best you could, with a bottle of gin. Without either of those things you could just hide in the bathroom and hope nobody notices.

But, Steve’s eyes had a way of looking kind, his eyes furrowed together, it made him feel like he cared, like he could be better. 

“That night, when James fell… it should’ve been me.”

“Don’t say something like that.”

“N – no it’s true, we were – it was just me and him, trying to get – trying to help everyone out and – and he saved himself for last because, because he’s Rhodey and that’s what he does. I was in the bedroom, that’s why.”

“Why were you in the bedroom?” Steve didn’t question anything else.

“Nothing like that I haven’t – I wouldn’t I was – I don’t know I couldn’t breath like, like now, I wasn’t drinking so… I don’t know.”

“… Has this been happening a lot?”

“Not this specifically, but everything’s been fucking weird, all this shit happening around me…”

“You can’t blame yourself Tony.”

“But I can.”

“But you shouldn’t. Think about what else could’ve happened if you two didn’t do what you did, think about how many other people could’ve been hurt.”

“Yes, and I’m pissed off. It could’ve been anyone else, it could’ve been me, and it had to be him, the only one who was willing to put himself before those ungrateful – fucks!”

“Tony, he’s alive. He’s gonna be alright.”

“But he could be better. And that’s the point.” 

“He’s lucky he has you. You know that?”

“I’m not so sure about that one.”

“You’re a good friend Tony. You’re a good person, you were brave, and you’re still here with him. Stop being so harsh on yourself, for once.”

It occurred to Tony for the first time that Steve was the complete opposite of the voice of his father.

Eventually, after some careful consideration and still a fair amount of doubt inside him, he leaned in to Steve’s hand as he rubbed his cheek, a gentle breath escaping his lips.

“I’m not harsh. Just realistic.”

“If I say that you’re wrong will you try and hurt me?” Steve smirked, Tony reached out and flicked his knee.

“You’re a lot nicer now you’re not my tutor.” 

“I was always nice. You just didn’t want it then.”

“Oh I see. Make me look like the rude, mean, bratty, rebellious, uhh – punk teenager.” Tony bit his lip, trying not to smile back at Steve. 

“Hey, you said it, not me.” Steve raised his hands in mock surrender, Tony kicked out his legs with a small smile. “Now, I’m no expert, but I think this conversation would be much better in a bed.” 

He stood, outstretching his hand. Tony didn’t usually like to follow, or be led, but sometimes, in moment like this one, he’d let Steve lead him, taking his hand and lifting himself from the cold toilet seat. 

“Besides, when I was your age I was definitely more of a punk than you are.”

“You say that like you’re a hundred years old. Or are you? You might be, know so much about history an all.” 

“I don’t believe in vampires. I’d be a pretty bad one if that was the case.”

“You’d probably be like ‘sorry miss, do you mind if I take a chunk out of your arm, thank you ever so much.’ And buy them flowers after.” Tony smile revealed itself as he pulled his shirt over his head, sitting on the edge of Steve’s bed.

“I’ll take it.” The man sat beside him as close as his conscience would allow.

“Saying that, I think I woulda liked you better as a punk kid.” Tony teased.

“Please, a rich boy like you? Those loafers and trust funds would call me street rat.” The older man sighed with a smile, pulling his own shirt off, tossing it to the floor carelessly. “And then I’d get into fights and, well…”

“Get the shit kicked outta ya?”

“In the most crude terms, yeah.”

Tony allowed himself a laugh, letting his head fall back on the pillow. “You think I’m so shallow. You know my father is New Money, right?” 

Steve crawled beside him, his shoulder rubbing warm against Tony’s, looking up at the motionless ceiling fan. “I don’t think you’re shallow. I just know that I’m dirt poor and I’m not sure what I really have to offer.”

“Hm. You have a nice butt.”

“Thanks?” Steve raised an eyebrow.

“You’re welcome. And… I wouldn’t make any old street rat my _boyfriend_ now would I?”

Tony smirked just as Steve let out a groan. “Knock it off, you know I was just –“

“I really don’t mind.”

“Well I do. I’m not exactly boyfriend material.”

“I’ll have to ask Sharon if that’s true.” 

“Oh – I never had you pictured for the jealous type, Tony.”

“Jealous? What, no I, just… inferring about your past relationships and such.”

“Tony.” He turned on his side, and watched Tony as he lit a cigarette. “I’ve never been like this with anyone before.” 

The younger man tilted his head to the side, holding the cigarette between his teeth as he shifted onto his side, passing the man a curious look.

“Me neither.” Tony bit his lip and ran his hand up and down his leg, smoke following his fingers. 

They were quiet for a moment, Tony smoked and ran his eyes along Steve’s frame, the way he seemed like he was trying to make himself comfortable with the situation.

“Can I ask you something?” Tony said, tapping ash into the empty coffee mug behind him. 

“You’re gonna ask no matter what.” The man smirked, his hand falling gently over Tony’s wrist. 

He smiled. “Alright then. You haven’t told anyone else that you like men have you?”

Steve’s smile slowly faltered, his eyes falling on the bedsheets beneath him. “No.”

“Hm. I think all my friends are queer too.”

Steve’s eyes flickered in surprise, Tony got the impression that it was because of how normal it all seemed to himself, he thought that ever since Steve saw him with that strange man in that strange bar, and how out of place Steve looked there. 

“Steve. You know it’s okay right? Not everything that’s illegal is wrong. Does this feel wrong?”

“No. It doesn’t.”

Tony put out his cigarette in the old glass ash tray Steve had found for him, quietly, scooted forward and placed a tender kiss on Steve’s lips. Pulling away just as the mans lips started to follow his.

“Did that feel wrong?” Tony whispered. 

“I don’t know maybe, maybe try again.” 

“Asshole.” Tony smirked as he kissed Steve again, pushing him over and climbing onto his lap.

Steve groaned as Tony pulled away once again, sprawling his small hands across his chest and purposefully shuffling against his groin to get comfortable a little too much for Steve to tolerate, but he let Tony sit there anyway. 

“I have another question. Ever have a student come on to you? Guy or girl.”

“What? No. Do you think I’m like that?”

He laughed. “No, but you’re much hotter than all my teachers, they’re all wrinkly miserable bastards or pretentious stoners. If you were my actual teacher I would fail your class like over and over again until you got the message.”

“I think you’d give me hell. I’d have to give you detention.” 

“And then what – you’d bend me over your desk.” 

Tony smirked, Steve looked away immediately.

“Tony.” He warned.

“Sorry. Just like watching you get flustered.”

“Ha-ha. Actually, the most interesting thing that’s happened to me at my day job was the time this kid called me ‘dad’. I think it was more embarrassing for him than me.” 

“Oh so that’s what you’re into?” 

“You know what?” Steve couldn’t help but smile through his faux threatening voice, hooking his fingers in the waistband of Tony’s shorts as he sweetly giggled above him.

When Tony’s laughs had quietened, their smiles warming each other as much as the humid air of early June through the windows. Tony was usually comfortable with most people, the concept of stranger danger was something that passed by him since childhood. But it was different with Steve. 

Everything was different with Steve, his smile was different, he’d become more open, more aware of himself, the sex was different, too. 

His whole life had changed, and so had those around him. 

”it’s late. You should try and sleep.” Steve tugged on Tony’s forearms until Tony gave in, falling beside him, skin rubbing against each other’s. Tony hoped they could be together in his own bed one day rather than Steve’s or the couch in the workshop, it was much bigger. 

“Hope I didn’t give you blue balls.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“You’ll find out.” Tony crawled under Steve’s thin blanket, smiling at his naivety which he found strangely alluring. “By the way, snoring is a dealbreaker for me.”

“That’s fine. Don’t steal all the covers.” Tony turned on his side away from Steve, gasping as the man wrapped a strong arm over his stomach and pulled his back close to his chest, being larger than Tony, his head fell comfortably above Tony’s curls. Tony still seemed a little shaken, as much as he tried to play it off, but they both seemed to warm to the feeling of another person, touches that were just right, scary, but okay in the end. 

“You’re big.” Tony grumbled. 

“You’re small.” Steve replied.

“ _I’m not small._.” Tony muttered and smacked the back of his feet against Steve’s calves.

“Your feet are cold.” Steve wasn’t all that bothered.

“Like my heart.” He said with a soft sigh, shutting off the lamp by Steve’s bed. 

“Go to sleep.”

“Vampires don’t sleep. Are you gonna eat me now?”

“I think you’re the vampire. Cold feet. Bite me all the time. Oh, my coworker saw one of your little marks the other day.”

Tony laughed, shutting his eyes. “And your excuse?”

“I said I got bit by a dog, but I think she knew I don’t have a dog. I think it made it startlingly obvious I wasn’t sleeping with someone my own age.”

“That’s what you get for being a perv.”

“You’re the pervert here.”

“Okay Humbert.”

“I’ve read that book, I know what you’re implying. I don’t appreciate it.”

“Shush, sleep.” Tony smiled as he said it as he knew Steve couldn’t see, nuzzling into his back.

And they both did, eventually, even uncomfortably at first, neither of them were used to sharing a bed with someone else, Rhodey didn’t have a spare bedroom so him and Tony usually squeezed into his single bed, which is why Tony usually insisted upon his friend sleeping at his. Obviously, as childhood friends that needed no explanation. 

He tried not to think about him too much as he drifted off in Steve’s arms, where he felt safe. When Tony was sleeping, peacefully, it was so hard to tell that he was usually so angry. 

Although he wouldn’t admit it, he was glad he had Steve during these times, and glad that he’d been considerably less angry. His naïve mother encouraged him spending time with him, he didn’t quite know why, Howard was irritated that Steve had taken on more of a ‘friend’ role to Tony rather than ‘mentor’, but he couldn’t complain, he brought Steve into their lives after all, for better or worse. 

Tony was a light sleeper, and Steve’s apartment was almost black, red, blue and yellow lights sifting through cracked window blinds, just enough for him to see the outline of Steve’s back, turned away from him as people do in their sleep – he’d been woken by a gentle shaking of the bed, it was enough to stir him. He turned on the lamp beside him to find the cause of the disturbance, and quickly realised it was Steve.

Asleep, Steve’s shoulders twitched, back and forth. Slowly, at first, Tony looked over him and placed a cautious hand on the back of shoulder blade, his face scrunched up and his skin hot. 

Quickly then Tony realised something was wrong, and that Steve was shaking. 

“Hey.” Tony rubbed his eyes at first, mumbling in a tired voice and patting Steve’s back. “Come on Snow White, wake up.”

Steve didn’t, groping increasingly restless, short, sharp exhales out of his angled nose, Tony became concerned, and turned to face his back with both hands attempting to shake the man out of his state.

“Steve? You okay buddy?” Tony edged closer and tightened his grip on Steve’s shoulders. “Helloooooo.”

Tony had that feeling in his stomach when he didn’t know what was happening. Which wasn’t very often.

“Hey. Steve, will you –“

Before he had time to process, Tony was on his back, and Steve was on top of him with one hand pinning down his shoulder, and another wrapped around his throat.

With Tony’s hands slapping against Steve’s arms, trying desperately to get words out, too startled to do so, it was only moments until the shock registered in Steve’s eyes, and he wretched himself away like he’d been pushed, but he hadn’t, Tony was still. 

He couldn’t tell whether it was his own heavy breathing that was filling the apartment, Steve’s eyes looking around and trying to register his surroundings, what he’d done, who he was, when his eyes landed on Tony again, they filled with regret and despair. 

“Tony – Oh God – I’m so sorry.” Tony could see Steve thinking about reaching out to him, sitting up and shifting closer and closer to the bed frame, trying to regain his own breath. 

Tony felt like his head had escaped himself, like it wasn’t possibly real but it was. He was sat on Steve’s bed, he’d never been more confused.

“I have no idea what just happened I – I was having a nightmare I don’t know what…” 

Tony just stared at him, his throat felt sore but he didn’t want to touch it.

“Okay.”

Steve obviously wasn’t satisfied with the response. “Let me – let me get you a drink –“

“No.” Tony said, he swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Steve nodded, they were both shaken, Tony was the first one to stand and put his t shirt on. “Gonna go to the hospital.”

“It’s really early, I don’t even think you can visit at this time. Can we talk about this? I’m so, so sorry Tony.”

“Yeah I get it.” Tony grabbed his jacket that hung on a hanger by the couch, Steve had stood to follow him, nervous and desperate but Tony had stopped looking at him. “Don’t wanna talk.” 

“Tony I’m so sorry, you have no idea, don’t go – at least let me take you.”

“I have my car.” He mumbled as he put on his shoes, uneasily rising to his feet. He gave Steve one last uncertain look, unable to bear the regret in his eyes, and bolted out the door. Glad, that Steve didn’t follow. 

When he sat in his car, the roads somewhat quiet and lonely, and sat in his cold leather seat, he released a long hindered breath, sick of the sick feeling inside him, and his hard throat. 

Steve was right, it was far, far too early in the morning to be able to visit, Tony got to the hospital at 3:30am, and was promptly told by a fairly moody, overweight receptionist that he had to wait until 8am, as if he weren’t already frustrated. It was a Tuesday night, no bars would even be open, he could go home, but he told his mother he stayed at Natasha’s, and wanted to be spared the questioning. 

The waiting room had bleak grey walls and uncomfortable blue chairs that felt like an old carpet. An old cigarette machine in the corner, which Tony wasted $8 on until the delightful receptionist told him it was broken – he didn’t get his money back. He’d left his carton at Steve’s, begrudgingly borrowing one from the woman, her over permed hair curled onto his hand when she lit it for him and only bothered him more. 

Although he sat, alone in the waiting room, and tried to sleep, all he could feel was the vague ghost of Steve’s large hand around his neck. It had been the briefest of moments, probably even seconds, but Steve’s reflexes still left their mark on him. 

Tony hated hospitals. 

He drifted in and out of consciousness for hours, hunched over in the uncomfortable chair, flipping through magazines on farming and antiquing, had a small paper cup of filter coffee just to have something to do. At around 6am he lingered around the phone booth next to a rack of pamphlets with amusing titles and boring pictures, like ‘ _A bad reputation isn’t the only thing you can get from SLEEPING AROUND_ ’, _’HaveYouTalkedWithYourWifeAboutAIDS?’_ and Tony’s personal favourite, _’SAFE SEX – are you man enough?’_. He considered calling Steve, and quickly decided against it, but took some pamphlets so he could look at the stereotypical and crude depictions of gay sailors on the front. 

When he finally shut his eyes to sleep, a different receptionist who must’ve taken over, a younger and prettier blonde woman with uneven bangs poked him awake to tell him that he could go and see James now.

He was asleep when Tony saw him, looking peaceful and rested, a dim white light overhead framed his dark features, fragmented by the hanging bar above his chest. It calmed and unsettled Tony to see him all at one, as he sat in a chair beside his bed, now more relaxed being in his friends presence, managed to fall asleep next to him. 

Tony thought he woke up, but he was in blackness. 

He looked around the empty landscape, back in a sea of nothingness, blackness under his feet and everywhere he looked, he was the only thing in existed. He wasn’t running this time, he was sat on the floor, feet tucked under his knees like a child. 

His eyes turned to the right, or what he thought was right, his right, wondering whether this place had any concept of direction and existed on an axis at all, but when he looked back there was a toy. Completely out of place, an old wooden nutcracker.

As soon as Tony’s eyes set on it, it fell, from nothing, onto nothing, breaking in half. The head rolled away from him, silent as it did. 

For some reason, it made Tony upset, as he stared down at the toy and it begun to sink into the blackness in parts, he became so anxious he couldn’t breathe, and he didn’t know why – reaching out to try and grab the legs of the toy, only his hand, and then arm, until finally his whole body sank into the pitch with it.

He was falling again, and it never seemed to stop. Usually, when you fall in a dream, when you’re about to reach the ground, your body wakes you up to remind you that you’re alive just before you fall. That didn’t happen, his body continued to fall through the darkness, for a brief moment he thought he heard a voice.

He was suddenly woken by rustling beneath his head.

“God, you’re not in love with me are you?” 

Tony’s head had fallen onto the bed besides James’ legs, and he was somewhat relieved to wake up from the strange dream to his friends voice, to hear him mimicking his words from a day that seemed like years ago, a tired smile across his face.

Tony managed to smile back, some of the anxiety in his stomach sifting away. “In your dreams, I’m just here doing my time.” 

“You’re a jerk. How long have you been here?” 

Tony glanced over at the clock above the door, it was 11:43am now, he must’ve slept longer than he wanted, and dreamed more than he wanted. 

“Well it’s noon now, and visiting hours start at 8, so about 7 hours. Hit or miss.” He ran a hand through his hair, attempting to tidy it a bit as he leaned back in his chair. 

“Huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Uh, I dunno. Wanted to get here first before the rest of the Rhodey’s get here. I feel like we haven’t talked, you know, properly, for awhile.”

“Well there hasn’t been much to talk about, I’ve been stuck in this bed for like a week. Haven’t exactly got anything exciting going on on my end.” Although he tried not to, there was underlying resentment in his friends voice, and Tony frowned. 

“Cute nurses.” He tried to suggest lightly.

“I haven’t exactly got much game Tony, I can’t go to the bathroom by myself.” James let out a frustrated sigh, and shook his head. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t say sorry. Just gonna take time you know? It’s fine. We’re – we’re good.” 

“Mhm. Yeah, good.” They were both quiet for a while, Rhodey used the support bar to pull himself up, dismissing Tony when he tried to help – he thought that his friend would be better off without him, that by coming he was just making things worse, then he remembered what Steve had said, but he didn’t want to think about Steve, he wanted to think about his friend. “The police did come a couple nights ago, wanted to ask about what happened.”

“I still don’t really know what happened.” 

“Neither do I. I think when that fight broke out, maybe it got out of hand? I heard some glass breaking, but I don’t know how the fire started, it… it was crazy.”

“Maybe if I was in there with everyone, it might have gone differently.”

“Why Tones? Do you have some fire-stopping power I don’t know about? Can you shoot water out of your fists? Do you know that things happen with or without you and that it doesn’t just revolve around you?”

“Okay, I get it. I just meant –“

“Well don’t ‘just mean’. It’s over. It happened. Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You can’t do anything now so please just stop.”

“Alright.” Tony sighed, a little defeated, and exhausted. He knew James was probably upset, and that he was selfish for being upset when he was fine.

“Thank you.” 

“Do you want something from the vending machine? I’m starving.” 

“Snickers would be good, don’t let the nurses see it though, I’m on a strict gruel and mush diet. Feels like prison.” 

Tony just nodded, and headed out down the corridor. 

By the vending machine was another phone. As he bent down to retrieve his snacks, two snickers bars and a cold bag of chips, he stared at the phone with a longing feeling. Confused about his encounter with Steve and honestly a little frightened, he had an urge to hear his voice, like he had an urge to be touched by him when he was near him. 

He shrugged off the idea to call him, and headed back to Rhodey’s room. 

“Man, I gotta tell ya, the selection in that vending machine was like, worse than school. Makes me wonder where my taxes are really going.”

“Don’t act like you pay taxes Tony.” Rhodey smirked, catching the bar as Tony threw it his way. 

“Okay, my dad pays taxes, contrary to popular belief.” Tony climbed onto the bed sitting cross legged by James’ feet which were still under the covers. “Here, I got you another one, you can hide it under your pillow or something.” 

“Thanks, I’ll need it.”

Tony tore into his bag of chips, prompting it up gently between Rhodey’s knees so that they could share. He didn’t know if he was still in pain, or if he didn’t feel anything at all, thinking quietly as he chewed loudly on the chips, Rhodey tore him off some of the chocolate bar and gave it to him. 

“They’re gonna have me try and walk again once my mom gets here.” James spoke in between mouthfuls. “Doubt it’ll get anywhere though, last few tries have been… pointless, and painful. But whatever, I gotta keep at it, if I wanna be able to fly.”

“Well the trainers my dads got you are like the best in the state, they’ll come to your house and everything.”

“Yeah, yeah I know. Thanks Tony, sorry for being snappy.”

“Don’t matter. And you should thank my dad, I wish I could be more help. Um, is your dad coming?”

“Nah, Ma told me he had to go work today.” Rhodey’s father was a General in the military, Tony wasn’t quite sure what he did because they moved around a lot and he rarely sees him when he comes over. He doesn’t know why they decided to stay in New York either, having moved from Philly. 

“Well I can stay if you want me to?”

“I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than watch me shuffle two centimetres I’m five hours.” Tony frowned again. “Anyway. You got your own stuff going on, right? You still haven’t told me why you disappeared at that party. I thought you might’ve been with a girl, or well, a guy, I guess.”

“I was alone, don’t worry about that.”

“Why?”

“Get your head out of the gutter mister, I’m not that perverted, hey you know what I can do? I’m gonna go pick out your prom suit since you can’t right now, I’ll obviously find the jazziest get up ever.”

“Uhhh I’m not going to prom Tony.”

“What? No, you have to come. Its like one of the last times we’re all gonna be together and –“

“I can’t. You know that.”

“Sure you can, look I know it’s soon but it’ll be fun.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why?” 

“It’s. Ugh- it’s embarrassing.”

“James Rhodes I have never known you to be embarrassed of anything except me. Explain to me how it’s embarrassing. So what if I have to wheel you in there, I bet it’s so embarrassing being the one who helped a bunch of people, put yourself first, without expecting a thank you, yeah, real embarrassing.” Tony huffed in frustration. “You’re my best friend. Okay? I – I wouldn’t leave your bed side if that’s what you wanted, except maybe for a little bit because I’d get sick of you. But –“

Tony was interrupted by his friends sudden laughter, surprised, he looked up. Rhodey was smiling, and laughing, Tony smiled back crookedly in confusion. 

“You’re a dumbass.” 

Tony grinned without meaning to. “Hey, I was trying to sound like Rocky.”

“Yeah, real inspirational.” They stared across each other on the hospital bed and laughed, and Tony thought it was the first time he’d seen Rhodey genuinely smile since the accident, no matter his friends optimism, and the way he always tried to show that he was okay, as if he were worried that everyone else would worry. Tony was glad to have maybe done something good for once, having been worried he’d ruined it. “I love you, man.” 

“You too.”

“Okay, this is getting kinda gay.” Rhodey said, with a smile. Tony was glad that he was comfortable with him.

“Aw, really? I’ve been making these friendship bracelets for like weeks now should I throw them away?”

“Probably a good idea. It will look like we’re in some sort of super secret gay club.”

“Okay – Super Secret Gay Club is definitely how I’m referring to our friends from now on. Although it’s not super catchy, we need something with a bit more _flare_.”

“Why can’t we be something badass? Like, SAS always sounded cool to me.”

“It’s all gay, my friend. You know it just stands for the… Sucking Ass Society.” 

“That just sounds like an insult.”

“Ah, your mind is so pure.” 

As they laughed, another voice entered the room, interrupting them both. 

“What are you two boys laughing about?” It was James’ mother, setting her leather handbag down on the seat Tony had sat in earlier, black ringlets of curls bouncing off of her shoulders as she kissed her son on the cheek, and then Tony after. 

“Just told him what suit I got him for prom. Turns out he said _no_ sequins. Big misunderstanding.”

She smiled, slightly amused as she sat down, pulling her scarlet pencil skirt over her pointed knee. “You’re going to prom? That’s good, that’s exciting.”

“I haven’t decided. I might not even be out of here by then.”

“Why are you being so negative? Of course you will. You know the doctors said you can come home in a few days, we’ve got everything ready.”

“Yeah, everything’s ready.” Tony smiled and James shot him daggers. Tony glanced at the clock, and realised he should probably leave his friend alone with his mother to talk, swivelling off of the bed and landing on his feet as gracefully as he could considering how tired he was. 

“I didn’t think you’d be here so early Tony.” She smiled lightly, brushing her hand over his arm. 

“Well, ya know, Had to keep an eye on him, make sure he wasn’t stirring up trouble.” James held up his middle finger and quickly shielded it when his mother turned back. “But I’m gonna leave you two in peace.” 

“Yeah, get outta here.” Rhodey smirked.

“Alright, thank you, honey.” She passed a grateful smile at Tony, he didn’t feel like he really deserved it.

Before he could think too much, Tony began to leave.“By the way we’re driving the Bentley to prom, you can write me a cheque for the suit too Mrs Rhodes!” He called sarcastically as he swung around the corner.

-

Tony planned what he would do when he got home. Shower, eat, maybe watch tv, if dad wasn’t home, go in the workshop for a while, sometimes when he felt especially hectic he felt better having the tiniest bit of order in his day. 

All of that quickly went to hell as he pulled up to house, and saw the undoubtable figure of Steve Rogers waiting outside.

Tony wondered how one person could make him so relieved and so irritated at the same time. 

He felt hot and he didn’t know whether it was fondness or anger, perhaps it was just the weather. 

He parked his car outside, thought he’d let Jarvis put it in the garage later. When he got out, Steve was standing against his motorcycle, wearing a tan leather jacket although it was too hot for it. Tony thought the bike should probably fall over, it didn’t, it would be funny if it did though. 

“Mr Rogers we have to stop meeting like this. You know, at my house.” Tony tried, light with a hint of irritation. He wished Steve wasn’t looking at him in the glaring afternoon sun, he probably had bags under his eyes the size of Texas and was wearing the same gym shorts he slept in.

Steve looked more on edge than usual. His jaw was tense to match his shoulders, but Tony had begun to notice Steve talks more with his body than traditional conversation, as he still looked at him face on, tenuous blue eyes looking over Tony’s face, and then at the ground as if he weren’t allowed. “Sorry for just showing up –“

“You have a tendency to do that.”

“You’re one to talk, I think after all the times you’ve wandered into my apartment I can drop by to… I need to apologise, and explain. But Tony, I get it if you wanna end this, whatever _this_ is. I know what happened isn’t exactly what you signed up for.”

Tony chewed on his lip and squinted. “Shouldn’t you be at your job?”

“Uhm, it’s my lunch hour. Or two, however long you need me to explain, really, if that’s what you want.”

Tony didn’t really think there was much to explain, they both knew what happened, Steve had attacked him, pretty much. It didn’t need much explaining, but he admired Steve’s dedication, he could see in his eyes and the way he was holding himself back from touching Tony that it was genuine.

“I… I want to have a shower. I’ve been in a hospital for hours and I feel gross.”

Steve swallowed and nodded. “Alright I’ll g-“

“I’m saying you can come in. Have you had lunch yet?”

Steve was clearly surprised by the question. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Kay. I’ll shower and then we’ll go grab something to eat, I’m currently running on coffee, cigarettes and potato chips. And we can talk or whatever it was you wanted to do.” Tony liked controlling the situation, as much as he liked giving it up to Steve at times, he was surprised at how keenly Steve nodded and followed him inside. 

But he knew Steve was currently walking on egg shells or something else delicate, he saw it in the way he purposefully handled everything as gently as he could in Tony’s bedroom. Even with his bulking frame and rough hands, like he was a monster, Steve wasn’t a monster, Tony thought. 

Tony came out of his en suite with his towel wrapped around his shoulders, covering his body down to his thighs like a blanket, his hand poking out the side as he pulled it around himself, hair dripping wet onto it. Steve was sat on Tony’s bed, and immediately stood when he heard the bathroom door open, 

The air felt warm, steam coming from the bathroom and an awkward underlying tension over their heads.

“Do you any feel better?” Steve asked, walking towards Tony carefully. 

“Just like a rose.” Tony said nonchalantly, and allowed himself to look at Steve properly. 

“How was your friend?” 

“As good as someone who has been revoked their ability to walk can be. He’s fine.” Tony sighed, he felt a little vulnerable, naked, but that towel worked quite well. Still, his face was exposed, and the skin on his cheeks burned as Steve looked at him, studying his damp cheek to his nose, a little sad. Tony hated awkwardness, he hated when things were just weird, at least with Steve in the past they’d always had the privilege of being annoyed with eachother and expressing that in some form, even after the first time they had sex, it wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable being in each other’s presence, because Tony was good at stuff like that, when he wanted to be. 

He hated feeling unsure of himself, especially around Steve, who he’d grown to like, to actually want to be around. 

Steve’s eyes were fixed on Tony all throughout the silence, like he was thinking of what to say.

“Can I… can I touch you?”

Tony blinked. It was an absurd thing to ask, at least to him. Most people just… did. 

He begun to think about what he _wanted_ as Steve had said. Honestly, he wanted to be touched, by Steve and Steve only. To feel his hand on his cheek or in his hair – he felt embarrassed for even thinking that way.

Regardless, it wasn’t the right time. It wasn’t _appropriate_ as most people would say, as if Tony regularly took a page from that particular book. 

“No. Not at the moment.” He said firmly after some hesitation. 

“Okay. Sorry.”

Admittedly, it was pleasing to him. Although in this somewhat precarious position, petite in an oversized towel, flushed cheeks as he stood shorter in front of this tall, hardened veteran (albeit a serious case of sad puppy eyes) and his biceps too big for his shirt, he was in control. A pleasant change from the whirlwind his life had become. 

Tony walked past him towards his dresser, his back facing the man, sharp, poignant like a period. And then he dropped his towel to the floor.

Yeah he knew what he was doing. 

He glanced over his pointed, olive shoulder as he bent down to get out some clothes, he knew Steve would look away, but he just wanted to check.

Of course, he was right, and enjoyed the uncomfortable stain on the mans cheeks while he could. He then realised that him and Steve were in a weird state of learning new things about eachother, understanding each other more but weren’t in a complete state of normality, further demonstrated by the events of the early morning. 

“I can go outside.” Steve spoke like he had forgotten how to breathe, and had only just released the air from his lungs.

“Why, am I making you uncomfortable?” 

“No – I just. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, like this, after what I…”

Tony eventually fitted into a pair of dark blue jeans and a striped black and white t shirt, ruffling the towel through his hair a couple times so it would dry quicker, the sun would take care of it. He strolled past Steve then, whose eye had caught onto him. 

“See, fully clothed. Happy now?” 

Steve swallowed the air in his throat and followed.

“Ever had Gino’s?”

“Can’t say I have.”

“Kay, we’ll go there. I’ll drive.” 

-

In the restaurant, which was a cheap chain establishment, with everything from the walls to the seats and the paper cups covered in red and white squares, they shared a large bowl of fries, which Steve barely touched, Tony almost happily but quietly ate and occasionally dipped at his (extra large) coke. 

They barely talked in the car, like Steve was waiting for Tony to allow him to speak, which was unlike him. Part of what drew him in was how unapologetic Steve was in his regard for Tony, how he never saw him as just some guys spoilt kid and sucked up to him because that was his job, so it just made him feel awful, even more awful then he already felt.

Steve couldn’t bear it anymore either.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” He said suddenly, making Tony hesitate as he put a couple fries into his mouth. “I told you I wasn’t going to let anything hurt you and –“

“You didn’t _hurt_ me.” Tony huffed. “God Steve sometimes I swear you look at me like I’m made out of glass. I was just freaked out, and confused, I guess I still am.”

“Still… it’s just… it’s just been a long time since I shared a bed with another person.”

“I didn’t think you were that much of a player.” Tony scoffed and pushed the bowl to the side of the table, roughly scrunching a napkin in his hands and throwing it on top.

“Hardly. That’s not the case at all.”

“School teachers don’t get much action?” He tilted his head to the side, clearly able to see Steve trying to repress his irritation as Tony changed the subject, for one, he wasn’t in any position to get mad now, and he knew Tony didn’t enjoy these types of conversations.

“Not really. Listen Tony I-“

“I’m curious. What is your body count? And I’m not talking about when you were in the war.” He realised he shouldn’t have said that as soon as he finished speaking, shutting himself up by sucking through his straw.

“Uh, I don’t really think right now is the right time to talk about all this.”

“What? I’m sure you don’t have anything to _hide_ right?”

Steve and Tony stared across at one another, Tony had that somewhat menacing flicker in his eye, the same way he would look at Steve in the early months of their relationship, challenging, and brave. Steve realised he had been hiding too much from Tony as he noticed his pupils dilating and sifting in and out of the cinnamon pool in his eyes. 

“You’ll laugh.” The corner of Steve mouth raised ever so slightly but his eyes gave it away anyway.

“Oh come on, okay, I promise I won’t.” Tony dropped his wrist on the table and extended his pinky finger, so naturally he hadn’t realised he’d done it. 

Steve looked at his hand for awhile and Tony could see he was trying not to smile as he accepted, locking his pinky with Tony’s and feeling a little silly while he did it.

He pulled away and glanced at Tony’s almost smile before he finally spoke.

“One.”

“Oh. Like two people? That’s not bad, just me and someone else right?”

“No…” 

“Huh? Not sure what you mean.”

Steve groaned, “Tony, you’re the smartest person I know, I have no idea how you haven’t figured this out already.” 

“What do you mea- oh.”

“Yeah.” Steve looked away, a girl in a short red apron grabbed Tony’s plate as she walked past, interrupting their conversation.

“Steve I didn’t know. Uh… I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry sweetheart?” 

“Shouldn’t have been like that. It was selfish of me. I was selfish.” 

“What? Why do you think that? I probably should’ve told you.”

“Yeah, you should’ve. You should’ve been able to do that with someone you really care about.”

“Tony, if you haven’t realised yet how much I care about you… For such a long time in my life time has just stood still, just stopped… And then I met you. And it’s not just that I didn’t want to live that way anymore I just can’t. And I can’t stop being a soldier either, no matter how long I stay away from the fight, It’s like I’m being punished for not going back, for trying to live a normal life. So I’ve just been… like you said before, existing, with nightmares and sometimes things just set me off, it got so familiar.”

Tony listened, intently, his eyes wandering over the gold stubble on Steve’s chin and the crinkled green collar of his shirt as he talked. “So what changed when you met me?” He felt selfish asking, but he needed to know.

“I changed. I’m not the man I was. You know my mother was a Christian and I always thought I’d try and do what she would have wanted, be a good man, wait until marriage find a nice girl and settle down, even if that wasn’t what I wanted. I got back from the war and I… I started to think I would be better off alone. And then there was that night, in your workshop when you asked me about Bucky and you got your robot to pour me a drink and I thought that you were extraordinary. And now my life is a whirlwind and I’m scared that I’ve ruined it because I didn’t say all of this to you sooner.”

The younger mans eyes succeeded in giving him away, glimmering and dark as his breath hitched a little in his throat, and he was so scared, and so okay at the same time. 

Then Tony looked at Steve and slurped through his straw very loudly and Steve couldn’t help but laugh, it made Tony smile too.

“Steve… coming from the expert at screwing stuff up, you didn’t ruin anything.” Eventually, Tony allowed himself to smile wider, the chatter in the restaurant seemed to distant, like the only other person in the room was Steve, the only man with the ability to drown all of it, and Tony, the only man with the power to burn it all down. “I just know now not to wake you up. Lesson learned. It’s fine.” 

“I’m gonna work on it. I really like you Tony and I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” 

“Please, you’re like a grizzly bear, all big and scary on the outside but you’re really a big softie.” 

“Still waiting on that wrestling match so you can show me how tough you are.”

“Um I’m pretty sure I showed you when I knocked out that guy with a trash can and saved your butt.”

“A trash can lid, not a trash can, I doubt you can even lift a trash can let alone _me_.”

“I’ll hold you to that. My nanny when I was kid used to bring her son over when he was off school because she couldn’t get a babysitter, he was a couple years older than me and used to practice WWE moves on me, so I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve. That was, of course, until I zapped him with a toy I made and he cried.”

“Alright killer.” Steve smirked, and they both felt okay that it was okay. It was okay.

Tony smiled back. “You know… I have a secret too.” Steve’s raised a curious eyebrow. “I’m also a virgin.” Tony could barely stop himself cracking up as he got the words out before he burst into a big laugh.

Steve caught the contagious laugh. “You promised you wouldn’t laugh – and yeah sure thing. Alright then just so it’s fair why don’t you tell your ‘number’ or whatever.” 

“Aw you don’t believe me?” Tony said through laughs.

“No I don’t.” Steve smiled back. 

“Oh alright fine. I feel kind of bad saying mine after I’ve heard yours.”

“You don’t wanna tell me, fine, but for the record I don’t care. I’m not really in any position to judge.”

The corner of Tony’s mouth pulled up into a smirk. “Alright. It’s uhhh. Less than people like to assume, but more than you’d probably like to know.” 

“Sure it’s not that bad. Definitely not as bad as losing it when you’re 26.” Steve’s smile faltered but the air was still lighter.

“Eh, you can take your time, I guess. I ‘lost it’ when I was…almost 16. He was a little older.”

“Hm. Like, college?”

 _’I wish’_ Tony thought, and laughed aloud. “Yeah, ha, um, no actually he works with my dad.” 

Steve frowned, and went quiet. 

Tony wished he hadn’t opened his mouth, because he realised he never talked about it before, didn’t see the need. He brought it up to Natasha once when he was drunk but obviously stated that it was a woman at the time, and he didn’t explain. 

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Tony finally said in a rushed, tight breath.

“Yeah.” 

Tony nodded and they left the restaurant. In the car, Tony was quiet, and they drove to a quiet spot by the river next to the docks and the junkyards, where there was no one around but them, the car tucked in a spot by a tall chainlink fence, away from the streets. Steve knew, and he knew Tony was anxious by the way he clutched onto his knee after he shut the car off, and looked at him expectantly although Steve was just ready to listen.

“Tell me about him.” Steve’s voice was thick with concern but deep with underlying anger. He felt protective as he had that night before.

“Um. There’s not much to say. He runs the branch in California, but he’s a close family friend, my dads known him for a long time, but obviously we don’t see him as much anymore. I had fooled around with a couple girls, and I had this thing with this boy at my boarding school the summer before that when I was 14, that was when I realised I was queer. But that was all just… just fooling around.”

“Did… did-“

“I was mad at my dad. I know, such a cliché right? I’m like the poster child for daddy issues. At least I’m self aware right?” He wasn’t. Tony let out a laugh, but Steve had that stern look on his face that somehow comforted Tony. “Anyway, I always knew he was interested. He’s a very intelligent man, not an engineer like me or my father but he can turn a trick or two. But… men always give themselves away, I know, cause I am one. Soon after that I started going out with my friends and partying and having too much and _seeing_ other people so he cut things off, not like there was really anything, we just slept together when he was in town, one time in my dads office.” Tony laughed again, mainly as a defence mechanism, because Steve wasn’t amused at all, sat up straight in the passenger seat, his fists clenched in his lap like he was refraining from touching Tony. “But we’re still friends, and it’s all good. So you can stop looking at me like I’m a monster.”

“I don’t think _you’re_ a monster.”

Tony looked down at the handbrake separating him and Steve. “Touch me. Please.”

Steve hesitated, nodding promptly and reaching over to gently wrap his hand around Tony’s wrist, his thumb rubbing circles into the joint under his palm. Slowly, his hand trailed up and cupped the side of Tony’s face, and Tony looked at him, trying not to be vulnerable, trying to keep up defences, but he was burnt out. 

Suddenly Tony leaped forward and wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck, pulling the man into a fumbling tight embrace. 

Steve was surprised at first, but his instincts kicked in, he wrapped his strong arms around Tony and pulled him over onto his lap so they could be closer, Tony’s chin pressing against to top of Steve’s shoulder blade, crinkling his collar even more. 

Although it felt like they could stay like that forever, comforted in each others arms, Tony pulled away and looked Steve in the eyes. “Steve?”

“Mm?”

“I’m really glad that your first time was with someone who really cares about you.” 

His hand framed the cut of Steve’s jaw, his thumb tucked behind the mans ear, like he was protective of him too. 

“You need to go back to work.” Tony finally said with a breathy laugh, he hasn’t noticed how long him and Steve had just been _looking_ at each other – they’d always done it, it was basically their thing by now, hateful eyes staring challengingly had burned in flames, and out of the ashes came soft and longing gazes, even if they were inches apart.

“I’ll say I had an emergency.” Steve smiled, his hands moved up and down Tony’s thin tanned arms, fingers occasionally toying with the striped sleeve of Tony’s t shirt. The sun beamed above them, shining on the car no matter how hidden they were from the rest of the city it always found them, light reflected off of the wing mirror and onto Tony, on Steve’s lap, as if he’d been struck down from space just for him. 

“You always say I’m a bad influence on you, I’m starting to think you’re just a bad influence on yourself Rogers.”

“Maybe you’re on to something. Maybe I’m just falling for you.” Steve’s voice was breathless and hopeless as he spoke, as if he didn’t even think to say it. His mind had begun to escape him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeee sorry for the late update! But I finally got it done, thanks for waiting and giving feedback! <3


	22. Party Fears Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _’So what if this party fears two?  
>  The alcohol loves you while turning you blue  
> View it from here  
> From closer to near, awake me  
> I'm standing still  
> And you say I dress too well  
> Still standing still  
> I might but it's hard to tell’_  
> ~The Associates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> accidentally uploaded this chapter wrong, it is 10,000 words not 19,000 :/ anyway, enjoy!

Tony and Steve had created a practical set of rules following the more official lining of their relationship.

 _Don’t walk too close to each other, If you have to touch one another, don’t hold on for too long. Don’t look at the other for too long. And most importantly, obviously, definitely, don’t kiss in the presence of others._

That proved easy enough, kind of, the Starks never questioned Steve being around, apart from Jarvis, of course. Howard was really in no position to be uncomfortable, he was, after all the one who brought Steve into their lives, into Tonys life. 

They’d been for a run together, on a hot, wet June afternoon, and arrived back at the Stark Mansion sweaty and breathless, Tony more so than Steve, his tank top sticking to his frame and revealing the ever so slight pudge of his stomach and his cheeks flushed pink under his eyes. 

Steve was ultimately more composed, Tony made a joke as they were jogging through central park that the only reason Steve was so fit was because he’d had to use exercise to _”get all that pent up libido out”_ and Steve responded by speeding up so an already worn out Tony couldn’t catch up with him. 

That was until they eventually came across a secluded area by the path, shrouded in tall spiky bushes and Tony found himself dragged in deep enough so Steve could kiss him without being seen. They were interrupted by a lone dog walker before they could get too carried away, Tony obnoxiously and loudly saying that he lost his keys and was so thankful that Steve helped him look for them as they made their way out of the bushes, sweat beading off both of their heads.

After already breaking one of their rules, and the most important one (albeit they hadn’t been seen), abiding by the rest of them proved more difficult as they stood around the mansion around Maria, Howard and Jarvis.

Tony was never good at following rules anyway. Apparently neither was Steve.

Tony wanted to head for his room (and his shower) with Steve as soon as they headed through the door, but they were both called into the kitchen by Maria, who tried not to look at Steves glistening muscles through his shirt for too long as they piled through the house making small jokes amongst one another (Tony was having the same problem). 

“Worn out?” Maria raised an eyebrow at Tony, resting her elbows on the counter.

“Huh? Of course not, we were only gone for like... half an hour.” Tony tried not to make it obvious he was still trying to regain his breath as he poured himself and Steve two glasses of water from the jug in the fridge. 

Maria and Steve exchanged glances when Tony wasn’t looking, when he caught them he made a mock offended groan and shook his head.

“Alright you try and catch up to Speedy Gonzales over here. It’s inhuman.” Tony scoffed as he slid Steves drink across the counter, standing with his mother.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have got rid of your personal trainer.” Howard said as he passed through the kitchen. 

“I don’t need a personal trainer now that i have Steve. And he’ll do it for free.” Tony looked across at Steve, suggestively locking eyes with him while sipping from his glass. The corner of Steves mouth curved into a smile, but looked away as he drank from his own glass. “Also, Steve doesn’t yell at me like David. Guy got kicks out screaming at me like some sort of sadist, he definitely has some kind of sex dungeon.” 

“Where do you come up with the this stuff?” Steve laughed a little from chest.

“I wonder the same thing.” Maria muttered. “Anyway, you could use some motivation.” She patted Tonys stomach with the back of her hand and raised her brows in his direction.

Tonys mouth gaped open and looked back and forth between them. “I don’t have time to try and look like Swarzenegger while maintaining a 4.0, so if you’ll all quit being so rude i’m gonna go shower.” 

“Ah, wait a minute, something came for you in the post.” 

“Oh, that’s why you called me in. I told you i don’t open the mail after all of those pamphlets from the church kept magically appearing with my name on it.” 

This started to happen after a string of promiscuous events appeared in the papers.

“I think you’ll want to open it.” 

Tony looked at the letter in his mother’s hand curiously, it was the seal side up, so he couldn’t see who it was from.

He took it from her aged hands, and noticed that Howard was still standing in the kitchen, observing.

Turning it over, the front of the letter read _Anthony Edward Stark_ , his address, and in big red letters, _The Massachusetts Institute of Technology_. Tony, immediately excited but reluctant to show it, especially in the presence of his father, calmly walked around the kitchen island with the letter and sat on a stool next to Steve, who watched him cautiously, he didn’t look at the letter as Tony opened it and read through it, Steve was polite like that. 

They were all watching Tony, and although they all knew he would get in, it was an intense moment anyway.

“Hm. I got in.” Tony said nonchalantly and dropped the letter on the counter so others could read it, hiding his excitement behind a shrug. 

Maria released a tense breath, and a now relaxed sigh. She said her praises but they didn’t get through to Tony, neither did Steves hidden hand on the back of his shoulder blades, all he could hear was the abnormally loud silence of his father, leant up against the kitchen counter, tapping a finger against the whiskey glass in his hand, his wedding ring making a quiet and shrill metallic sound that tony couldn’t stop focusing on. 

When Tony couldn't take it anymore, he swivelled on his seat, almost falling off it and balanced himself big wrapping his arms around Steves neck. He could tell by the way the mans body jolted that he was surprised, and placed his arm on Tonys forearm. Feeling curious eyes on them both, Tony pulled away, getting up out of his seat. _Another rule broken._

“Yeah. Um. Thanks for tutoring me. And all.” Tony smiled tightly at Steve, who had awkwardly adjusted in the seat, his elbows rested firmly on the counter and his fingers covering half of his mouth. 

“Don’t thank me. You would’ve done fine on your own. I’m sure of it.” 

Howard didn’t look pleased that Steve had said that, and looked away as Tony walked around the counter to hug his mother.

“Well done.” He felt comforted as she rubbed his back, and pulled away with a scrunched face. “You definitely do need a shower, you smell like a wet dog dear.” 

“That’s what i get for working out for the first time in a year. Thanks mom.” 

He looked over at his father, suddenly tense. It would be awkward, and downright rude if he hugged everyone else in the room and not his own father, wouldn’t it?

It didn’t matter. Howard stood away from the counter, and placed a firm hand on Tonys shoulder as he walked out of the kitchen. 

Tony just stood there, trying not to look at where his fathers hand was, as he tried to figure out what it meant - was he happy with him? Pleased? Surely not satisfied? He shivered away the thoughts like the ghost of his dads hand. 

“Alright. I’m gonna get rid of this stink.” 

“Go rest, you deserve it.” Maria smiled and travelled around the counter, moving on like they always seemed to do.

“Hey, Rocky, you can use the guest bathroom if you want.” Tony quirked his eyebrows in Steves direction.

“Yes, feel free, there are fresh towels up there i’m sure.” Maria smiled at him.

“That would be great, thank you.” Steve stood, giving one last gracious smile to Tonys mother as he followed Tonys smirk out of the kitchen. 

Tony lead him through the halls, the mansion always smelled like fresh paint although the victorian wallpaper had been up on the walls for years, Tony practically skipped through the columns, like he felt somewhat good but his face wouldn’t show it. Steve enjoyed watching him though, he was never really a follower but he could follow Tony through the valley of death.

“You know, I have some doubt about all that crap you spewed that exercise makes you feel refreshed and whatever because i feel sore and cramped in all the wrong places.” Tony groaned as he headed up the stairs, about five steps up he realised he couldn’t hear Steves footsteps behind him, and that he wasn’t saying anything.

Tony turned, looking down in his path. Steve stood at the bottom of the staircase, gazing up at Tony with an unapologetic smile across his face, like he’d been moved to the point his body forgot to function properly.

“What?” Tony turned around to face Steve on the staircase, the old building creaking under his feet, unable to contain a smile himself.

Steve shook his head back into reality, “Nothing.” He said a little breathlessly.

Tony chewed on his lip, puzzled, and yet he felt like blushing. He turned away and ran up the stairs before the man could see. “Last one upstairs is a fucking nerd!” 

“Stop cursing!” Maria called all the way from the kitchen.

“I’ll give you a dollar!” Tony called and stopped at the top of the spiral staircase, swinging on the bannister and smiling down at Steve, who speechlessly shook his head with a grin and followed up the stairs.

“Didn’t think you had any energy left.” Steve chimed. “Makes me wonder if all those times you made us stop and walk that you were faking it.” 

“Don’t worry, i never have to fake it with you.” Tony lowered his voice and smirked at Steve suggestively, the man blushed in return and hurried up the stairs so that Tony would hurry along, and he did.

“You haven’t exactly mastered the art of subtlety have you?” Steve scoffed as him and Tony clambered into the younger ones room.

“We broke enough rules today. Didn’t think a few more would hurt.” Tony smirked and locked his bedroom door behind them both, feeling Steves arm latch around his back.

“Hugging me, in front of your family? That was a bold move i have to say.” He huddled Tony against the nearest wall by the dresser, firm hands gripping onto his waist, as if he’d been desperate to touch him again ever since. “You’re not worried they’ll think something’s going on?” 

Tonys fingers hovered over Steves, and then along his damp chest, enjoying how it peeked through his white t-shirt. “Worried? No, never worried. As far as they’re concerned i’m as straight as a ruler, to them you’re like... my mentor.” He laughed and placed his hands on the back of the mans neck, still a little sweaty but Tony didn’t mind, something deep inside him enjoyed the thick, masculine odor from them both. 

“Well i think you could teach me a thing or two Mr MIT.” Steve grinned, his body pressing against Tonys, although the shorter man rolled his eyes.

“Shut up. Everyone knew i was gonna get in either way, perks of having a dad with good connections.” Tonys smile was slightly reserved, he didn’t really feel deserving of any of it, because he would never know if he could do anything on his own merit, his own knowledge and talent without having his father’s shadow peering over him. 

“Oh come on. You woulda got on in your own either way, you’re so smart and i know you never needed my help.” Steve was smiling an awful lot, that combined with the much needed validation made Tony want to melt under his fingers.

Even more so, when Steve leant in and began leaving a trail of hot kisses along Tonys neck, provoking a surprised soft sigh from his lips.

“I’m proud of you.” Steve whispered into Tonys collarbone, he gasped beneath him, pressed hard against the wall. Tony felt himself go as the words sunk into his skin, it didn’t matter then what Howard thought of him, hearing it from Steve was enough. Better, even.

Steve hooked his fingers into Tonys gym shorts, kissing the exposed skin on his shoulder before he slowly dropped to his knees. Tony had shivered, only because Steves words had let his guard down, the man looked up at him almost smug.

“This alright?” Steve was devious when he wanted to be, not as innocent as he seemed.

“Yeah, just thinking, um, I should shower, and that you look good on your knees, _oh my God stop talking._ ” Tony sighed but his breath hitched when Steve pulled down his shorts. Ugh - he was embarrassingly hard. 

“We can wait a bit, can’t we?” _Yes, yes we can._ “Wanna make you feel good.” 

Tony forcibly rolled his eyes to stop himself blushing, muttering to himself as steve kissed his hip bones and pulled his boxers down.

Steve took Tony into his mouth without warning, causing him to swear aloud, he couldn’t peel his eyes away from the mans mouth and tongue working over him, on his knees like Tony was the only person he’d ever let himself submit to.

An airy moan escaped the younger ones lips, his head falling against the wall behind him. Steve was hardly tactful, but his inexperienced mouth only turned Tony on more, he feel feel that Steve was trying to please him, to look after him, that was all he needed. 

When he peered down to get a good look at him, Steve was looking right up at him, it struck a nerve in him, he bucked his hips forward and let out a desperate moan. “Shit - sorry.” 

Steves wet mouth slid off of Tony, leaving a trail of saliva from his tongue, he continued fisting Tonys cock, maintaining eye contact. “Don’t, I like it.” Although his voice was soft and breathless he was still commanding, taking Tony into his mouth more eagerly this time. 

The moan that escaped Tonys mouth was a little too loud, almost instinctively Steve raised his right arm and shoved two fingers into Tonys mouth, for a second Tony might’ve let himself fall to the ground but quickly, eagerly, maybe too eagerly began sucking on Steves large salty fingers.

Tony thought, when he was able to think, that he’d never been like this with any other person. So willing to open himself and please and be pleased, he’d never felt so free and validated in his life - spent so long looking for a high or a party to satisfy him when Steve was there all along. 

He’d barely even registered it when Steve slipped his fingers out of Tonys mouth and pushed them between his legs and into his hole, in and out, while his tongue continue to work around Tonys length.

Eventually it got too much, Tony had one fist in Steves hair and another over his mouth, but Steve didn’t take that as an indicator to stop and Tony didn’t want him to. 

“H-hey Steve i’m gonna - hey -“

Either Steve didn’t listen or he didn’t care, because Tony came in his mouth against his warnings. 

Tonys chest rose up and down, unsteady breaths out of his mouth, watching Steve as he pulled away, he must’ve swallowed - _Jesus_ \- rising to his feet and planting a harsh, fierce on Tonys plump lips, although he was too breath taken to kiss him back with the same force. 

Gently, in between kisses to his warm, pink cheeks, Steve pulled Tonys tank top over his head. “How about that shower?” Steve actually smirked.

Tony laughed, his forehead head dropping onto Steves chest. “You’re an asshole.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Steve smiled and pulled Tony away from the wall, his undergarments kicking under the boys feet as he walked, the man had a firm grip on his ass as he lead him to the en suite. 

“But - what about you? Should be your turn.” Tony smiled dumbly, his eyes glassy and deep, sinking into the crook of Steves elbow as they headed for the bathroom together. 

“No, don’t worry about me. This is just about you, but I’ll join you in the shower if you don’t mind.” 

One part of Tony was ready and to willing to lie on his bed, spread out and say _’Use me, please.’_ but he couldn’t have Steve see him be that needy, that vulnerable. 

“I’m perfectly okay with that, my showers a lot bigger than yours so there’s room for the both of us.”

“I don’t think it’s fair that your bedroom-bathroom is bigger than the one bathroom i have in my apartment.”

“Did you just say ‘bedroom-bathroom’? You’re the cutest. And forget I said that.” 

“I won’t. I’m gonna hold that against you until I die.” Steve began to strip hung his clothes on the rack, always with the manners even when there was the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen stepping into a hot shower for him to join. 

“If you don’t get sick of me by then.” 

“Stop with that.” Steve stepped into the shower behind Tony, the water steaming, the pressure was much more than he was used to. Tony practically nuzzled into Steves back as the mans swollen arms wrapped around his smaller frame, the mans shoulders were so broad they encased Tony more than the water from the shower head. “I could never get sick of this, of you. I love this, i really do. Even with all the sneaking around.” 

Tony smiled, hesitantly at first, a little startled by Steves use of the word love in relation to him but he knew it wasn’t direct. Steve didn’t love him, he probably never would, that was fine. 

They showered, changed, Tony didn’t have many clothes that fit Steve to his own personal annoyance, he had to wear a pair of the boys comfy, grey sweat-shorts in lieu of underwear, which proved to be a flattering look, seemed to outline the _right_ parts of his body for Tony to shamelessly admit as they tangled together lazily in Tonys bed, Steves fingers stringing through Tonys wet hair as he lay on his chest.

“You excited to see me in my prom suit? i’m gonna look so funky, you have no idea.” 

“Didn’t know I was seeing you on your prom night, and I can imagine it will be something. I didn’t go to prom, you know?” 

“Uh, yeah I wanna see you after.” Tony suddenly realised how needy he sounded and regretted it. “Or not i don’t care.” 

“You’re not going to an after party or anything?” 

“Thought you said you didn’t go to prom.”

“Well technically i go to prom at least twice a year, chaperone duty. So, you know, i hear all the gossip and the arrangements to go and get ‘wasted’ - I remember some kid in my class invited me to go out with them and their friends once.”

“Did you go?” Tony smiled up at him, intrigued.

“No, of course not. What, do you think i’d go out and drink and dance with an underage kid?” Steve teased, Tony rolled his eyes back at him.

“You know, You could be my date.” Tony grinned. “I’ll get you a corsage.” 

“Would rather not be that creepy 20 something guy that still goes to senior prom every year. Have you got a real date?” 

“We’re doing like a group thing, you know, eff the system and social standards and all that. Severely batters my chances of being prom king but that’s the price you have to pay for equality.” 

The phone on Tonys bedside table rang, and he immediately groaned. 

“God, don’t people know I’m having an intimate moment with a handsome man?” Tony huffed and reached for the phone, draping himself over Steves torso, shushing him even though he didn’t say anything. “Tony Stark can’t come to the phone right now he’s in a very important business meeting and -“

“I know you’re there motherfucker!” Rhodey yelled through the other end, Tony dropped his head and grinned. 

“What gave it away?” 

“Uh - you being a dumbass gave it away. Are you busy?” 

Tony glanced at Steve, who was calmly watching Tony, tracing his fingers along Tonys skin. “Like i said I’m in the middle of a very important _business_ meeting right now.” 

“Oh, we talking _business_ business?” 

“Yup, serious biz-snatch.” Tony put on a voice and Steve squinted at him in amusement, Tony just shoved on his chest, slightly embarrassed. 

“You sound like a fool. I’ll leave you to it, I just wanted to know if you got a letter from MIT?” 

“I’m no fool - And yeah, I did, did you?” 

“Yeah...” 

“Did you get in?” Tony asked warily.

“Oh, nah...” 

Tony frowned, Steve tilted his head in concern, he didn’t know what to say in these situations, _’better luck next time!’_ Jesus, no, he wondered why he was so incapable of responding to other people’s feelings.

“I’m just fucking with you man!” 

Tony let out a sigh of relief. “Why would you do that? I heavily don’t appreciate that.” 

“Be happy for me.” 

“Ugh, no, how dare you. But, on a other note you’re not getting rid of me just yet!” 

“I’m stuck with you til the end of time no doubt. Anyways, see you later jerk have fun with your _boooyfriend_.” 

“Yeah yeah see you at PROM! No escape. Bye.” 

“Ugh, bye.” 

Tony smiled as he put the phone down, turning back to Steve had been mindlessly drumming his fingers on Tonys back the entire phone call.

“That was your friend Rhodes i’m guessing?”

“You guess correctly.” 

“How’s he doing? Is he any better?” 

Tony shifted uncomfortably, annoyed with admiring Steves look of genuine concern. “Getting better at walking thanks to Howard’s team of private asshole doctors so... Fine. He’s gonna be on crutches at prom and graduation but he can’t stand up for too long.” Tony shrugged and dipped his head back into Steves chest so he couldn’t see his face. 

“That’s great, Tony, it really is.” Steve hand now rested firmly and comfortingly on Tonys arm. “I can see you really care about him.” Tony didn't know if he liked that or not, but he felt safe nonetheless. 

“Your optimism is inspiring and downright cute, if i’m honest. Maybe I should try that some time.” 

“That’s -“ Steve coughed a little and turned his head away from Tonys hair. “That’s the second time you’ve called me cute.” He continued to cough into his fist, Tony sat up and raised an eyebrow in concern.

“Hope i didn’t make you choke.” He smirked and rubbed his knuckle along Steves cheekbone, pulling him to meet his eyes as he stopped coughing. 

“You’re always so crude.” Steve settled into a dopey smile at Tonys touch, taking his hand from his face and wrapping his large hand around it. “You’ve just tired me out is all.” 

“Am i too perverted?” Tony held up his wrist, and slid his tongue over Steves fingers. 

Steve let out an involuntary grunt, tugging Tony down by his hands and kissing him hard and desperate, only pulling away to look at Tonys face, inches away from his, Tonys signature smile. Steve had come to learn the difference, there was his sarcastic, horrible smile, bitter and flaming dark eyes, and then the smile he gave to the public, the glimmering shining starlet smile that hid all his secrets while revealing too many, then, a smile that was especially reserved for Steve, whether he meant it or not. It was wild and free, violent and sex filled but his eyes were warm, even soft around the edges, like a forest fire ready to submit to the ocean. 

 

-

 

“Where are you going?” Howard asked, peering into Tonys room. Tony was in the middle of straightening out his blazer in the mirror.

“Prom, Dad.” Tony let out a discontented sigh as he examined himself. 

“Didn’t think you would bother with all that nonsense.” 

“ _You_ think it’s nonsense. This is probably the last time i’m gonna be with all my friends, get that last drop of validation from all my peers because what else would i do if i didn’t soak in all that high school popularity while i can? How will i have self worth?” Tony continued to tug and pull on his tie, suddenly unsatisfied with how it fell over his chest, too much sarcasm sifting through his words as he tried to concentrate on himself rather than his father.

“Perhaps you should invest in something better worth your time instead of wasting your potential on a bunch of drug addled nobodies who are all trying to get into each others pants instead of _working_ -“

“What is this ‘potential’ you speak of? Last I heard i was a lazy, good for nothing - we can add drug addled nobody onto that list too while we’re at it.” 

“Maybe you’re right.” 

Tony scoffed, fiddling with his belt as he became more irritated. “Didn’t think I’d ever hear you say that to me.” 

“Stop being dramatic, Tony. Save it for your speech, i’m hoping you’re writing one.” 

“I’m valedictorian, I’m not running for president I don’t need to prepare a speech, I’m a pro at winging it.” 

“Yes and almost every time you’ve ‘winged it’ you’ve made an exponential fool of yourself. Unfortunately this time I’ll be there watching so i would hope you would try not to make a mockery of yourself, this is important, more important than ‘prom’.”

“Yeah whatever - MOM!” Tony yelled suddenly, and Howard scrunched up his nose. He heard footsteps coming down the corridor but wished for them to get to him faster, “MOM!” 

“Alright, I’m here!” Maria pushed into the room past Howard, who looked tired and apathetic. She had a selection of ties over her wrist and made her way towards Tony, shutting the door behind her as Howard left to his office. “Why are you yelling? Don’t tell me you two are fighting again.” 

Tony ripped off the spotted gold and cream tie from his neck and let his mother hold up various options from her cashmere coated arm. “Not fighting, he’s just being a... You know what he’s being.” 

“I hope what you’re thinking isn’t nasty. Now which one do you think out of the red or the green? The black won’t go if you’re wearing the blue suit.” 

“What I’m thinking is kind compared to what he calls me. Red. I’m not feeling green right now.” He took a red tie from her which was covered in thin burgundy stripes to accent it, beginning to knot it under his shirt as he looked in the mirror. “Mother dearest,”

She sighed and smiled a little, dusting off his shoulders. “What is it my darling son?” Tony definitely didn’t get his sarcasm from his father. 

“Do you love dad?” Once he finished tying the silk around his neck he turned to look at his mother, staring up at him with confused and doting eyes.

“Thats a ridiculous question, of course I love your father.” She shook her head and immediately began fixing his tie. “And so do you.”

“I know you love him in that way that you have to cause you’re married to him and it’s a ‘commitment’ and all that but... I don’t really know anything about ‘love’ the entire concept of it has always seemed really gross to me until lately but I suppose but ‘love’ I mean like, movie love, like Pretty in Pink or - pretty much anything with Molly Ringwald kind of love, does that make sense?” 

“Do you mean is he the Joe to my Norma?” She laughed in a delicate and amused way, buttoning up his blazer.

“Well I mean if we’re talking in terms that _you’ll_ understand.” He smirked.

Maria slapped him on the side of the arm with the back of her wrist. “Don’t be cheeky. That movies a classic. Anyways, I suppose when I first met him, yes it was like that, fireworks and the rest, I guess now the fireworks are just... quieter, otherwise I would get sick of him.” 

“I don’t know how you aren’t sick of him, I’m sick of him and i’ve only known him 19 years, you’ve known him for like, what, three times that?” He laughed a little and dodged out the way to avoid another slap.

“You love to tease me, you little - ugh.” She smiled. “When i met your father I was... amazed, his company was nothing like it is now but I still thought he was a genius, i thought his mind was brilliant, and no matter what he tells you now he was an enormous flirt. But, most importantly. He gave me you. How can I not love someone who gave me such a gift?” 

Tony smiled at his mother, one of the very few people that he could look at in the eyes when he smiled at them. 

“Why are you asking that? Anyone particular got you thinking about _love_?” 

“Ugh - no. Love just seems like a fallacy, to me at least. I’m supposed to believe that one other person is my ‘soulmate’ and they’re gonna care about me and commit themselves to me forever? People aren’t like that.” 

“Well, the version of love you’re talking about is a fallacy, because it’s not like the movies. Love is about making sacrifices, God knows i’ve made one or two. And you have to try and make each other into better people, and I don’t know if i believe in ‘soulmates’ myself but I imagine if two people are meant to be together, they’ll come back to each other one way or another, eventually.”

“Sounds exhausting.” 

She snorted, and sounded like him as she did it. “Nobody said it was easy.”

“Except Molly Ringwald.” 

 

-

 

“This dress sucks.” 

Pepper was wearing a long purple silk gown that hugged her long slender frame, and tugged on the fabric by her knees and scrunched up her nose.

“You’re only saying that because you know you look good.” The corner of Natasha’s lips curved into a smile as she pushed Peppers curled golden hair behind her shoulder with the back of her fingers. 

“She’s right you know. You look lovely.” Tony commented as he reached the girls, Rhodey by his side through the white and black drapes at the entrance. There were low hanging fairy lights scalloped for miles along the ceiling. Pepper grinned at Tony, which wasn’t very often, she seemed to be in a better mood than usual. 

“Thank you Nat, and flattery will get you nowhere Tony.” 

“Maybe, but I can at least try. I will get that dance from you tonight.” 

“Get me a drink and we’ll see about that.”

“Don’t worry, got you covered.” Rhodey winced a little as he sat at a large table covered in a black glittery table cloth, Tony took his crutches and rested them against the back of the chair without saying anything so that he wouldn’t get irritated. James pulled a metal flask out of his black suit jacket, waving it in his friends direction. Tony gasped and sat in the cushioned chair beside him. 

“How did you get that in here?” Pepper asked, Nat looping her arm in hers as they walked to the table, seemingly segregated from the rest of their classmates who were either huddled around the punch table, pestering the DJ for requests or sitting around tables and pretending to like one another for the last time. 

“You think they’re gonna pat me down?” He raised an eyebrow and they all generally shrugged in agreement.

“You’re a genius. I could kiss you right now.” Tony took the flask from his friend excitedly.

“Please don’t.” 

“It’s a little early for that isn’t it boys?” Nat raised an eyebrow, running her hand along Rhodey’s back as she sat in another chair beside him. Pepper took a seat next to Tony. He got frustrated that he now couldn’t see everyone of be addressed when he spoke so he flipped his chair around and straddled it, resting his elbows on the rounded arch and tearing the ribbon wrapped around the back of the chair with his groin.

“Since when did you become the sensible one?” Clint asked, after finally managing to shake loose from a girl he’d been chatting to ever since they walked in. 

“Since almost every time my friends drink, something bad happens.” 

“Well it would be a shame to break the cycle. Might be the last time i get to hang out with you losers.” Clint replied, sitting next to Nat and completing the table.

“Finally, the man makes a good point.” Tony nodded and took a sip from the flask. Scrunching his nose up at the strong taste as he passed it back to James. “What is that? Absinthe? Are you trying to kill me so you don’t have to be with me at MIT is that it?” 

“You got into MIT?!” Pepper exclaimed, more so at Rhodey then at Tony.

“Oh, yeah, may have let that info slip a little bit.” He shrugged. Nat punched him in the arm.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” She squinted.

“I was going to!” 

“Well since none of you care about me, I’m gonna go find literally anything to mix that poison with.” Tony announced as he stood up, most of them seemed to ignore him and flattered James, which didn’t bother him, but he was feeling stuffy already.

He walked around the dance floor so he wouldn’t get caught up in it too early, towards the punch table. He always thought it was fitting how underneath all the table cloth and drapes and silk and glitter and fancy foods and drinks it was just a regular fold up plastic table, boring old, the thought didn’t interest him all that much though, and tried to get a couple of paper cups of punch with everyone else. It was too sweet for him, he liked sweet things but punch was basically glorified kool-aid, the only other choice was water, and he wasn’t about to stoop that low for a mixer.

He was already getting impatient, a trait Steve commented on once or twice before, but people were just standing around the bowl pouring like it was liquid gold and they didn’t want to date spilling any, maybe he was exaggerating, it was still irritating. “Hi Tony.” 

Tony glanced to his side, and formed a tight, false smile, as if a simple trip to the punch bowl couldn’t get more irritating. “Hi, Christine.” _’God, leave me alone’_ He thought as he spoke from a tense jaw. 

“I heard you had a new squeeze, i was surprised to see you walk in here without anyone on your arm.” 

Tony avoided looking at her, trying to shuffle away towards the punch bowl. “I don’t know where you got your info but it’s false, as always. Why, jealous?” 

She scoffed, although she didn’t really have anywhere to go, Tony wouldn’t look at her even if she had a giant penis strapped to her forehead. “I don’t have anything to be jealous of, I feel sorry for the girl who gets trapped with you.” 

“You’re awfully bitter this evening, let me guess, boyfriend stood you up? Daddy wouldn’t fund your half-witted spread for the college paper, and thank God, now i don’t have to suffer through reading that garbage you call journalism.” He said, the whole time with a smile on his face.

Her mouth dropped as she tried to think of a response, Tony was just about to make it to the punch bowl when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder, immediately turning towards it. 

“Tony, I thought you said when the music got slower I could have that dance you promised me.” Pepper smiled, as false as Tony, but his changed to relief. 

“Yeah, of course, what song is playing? Oh, _The Lady in Red_ , perfect.” He took Peppers hand. “Shall we?” 

“Yes, we shall. Christine you look... Lovely.” Pepper smiled at her in that way she usually did, polite and genuine but obligatory. 

“Yep. I hope we don’t meet again in the future.” Tony nodded away from her and pulled Pepper away onto the dance floor. 

She sighed as he put his free hand on her waist, holding her other one as they joined the crowd of actual couples swaying to the cheesy love songs. “I tried to see where you disappeared to and it turns out I had to save you. I thought you being in a monogamous arrangement would limit how often I have to deal with your old girlfriends and one night stands.” 

“You are very good at it. I don’t know what i’m going to do without you at college.” 

“I wonder that too.” 

“We’ve always had something different to the others haven’t we? You look out for me and I... overlook you organising these things.” 

She rolled her eyes, still swaying close to him. “You barely hold up a ladder when we’re putting banners up.”

“Well. Okay. That’s fair I guess. I just... How come you and I never got together?” He smiled softly at her, suddenly feeling a lot less annoyed. She met his eyes for a moment, and then shook her head.

“I don’t know, because you were always busy chasing after girls with no self respect?” 

Tony chewed the inside of his cheek. “Okay, _Or_ maybe it has something to do with our lovely Miss Romanov?” 

She looked away as she blushed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tony.” 

“Oh come on, we all know. Like it isn’t the most obvious thing in the world.” 

“It always feels like you get annoyed when you’re cut out of the loop.” 

“I feel like I am cut out of a Pepper Potts and Natasha Romanov shaped loop. I mean, do you think me, _me_ of all people is gonna care? I can see the way she looks at you Pep.” 

“Oh, stop. It’s nothing.” 

“Hm. Okay. Nothing, I believe you.” He nodded, she groaned and hit him on the shoulder.

“Ugh, I hate it when you do that. Alright. maybe there’s something going on but it is none of your business.” 

“Ha! I knew it.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Okay, okay, I will.” Tony held her close, moving back and forth to the music and she didn’t seem to mind. “You should make a move tonight though. Just saying.” 

“I’m not taking relationship advice from _you_.”

“I’m the only one in the gang who is _in_ a relationship! Kinda? “ He felt weird saying the word, speaking it into existence made it all seem very real. “You’re not gonna get close tip toeing around her vagina like there’s a guard dog outside it.”

She scoffed but a laugh escaped her lips without her permission. “You’re seriously disgusting. I hope no one can hear us.” 

All Tony could hear was _Every Breath You Take_ and the sound of Peppers lip gloss when she pressed her lips together. “I doubt it, they’re all just tryna get into each other’s pants.”

“I don’t doubt that. I can only hope of being so lucky.” She said in a sarcastic tone. 

“Excuse me sir do you mind if I borrow Miss Potts for a moment.” Nat spoke from beside them. 

Tony gave Pepper a suggestive look and took Nats hand. He held onto both of them, stepping back and forth as the music grew faster, changing its tempo. “It will be my pleasure, only if you can direct me towards my Rhodey.” 

“He’s at the table with Clint, couple cheerleaders came over to play nurse.” 

“Hmm, lucky man. Alright, I’m gonna love you and leave you. Have fun.” Tony winked at Pepper as he let go of both of their hands. He allowed himself to bop to the music as he made his way through his glammed up peers, looking for his friend once again.

The lights were low, yellow twinkling above him, golden light on his friends face as he made his way to the table, sitting on top of the black table cloth. “Tones! Where’s the juice?” James exclaimed as he saw his friend, there was a girl dressed in pink fawning over his shoulders.

“Hello to you too lover boy.” Tony quirked his eyebrows at the girl, before resting his smile upon his friend in his seat. “No juice. Got a little distracted.” 

“Juice is loose?” Clint tilted his head. 

“He knows all about what it’s like to be loose.” Tony smiled sarcastically at the girls who simply giggled, and then whispered something amongst themselves. Clint handed him the flask, he took a quick swig, grin and bearing it, the music seemed louder in his chest when he cringed at the taste, passing the cold flask to James. “I’m bored already.”

“You’re always bored. If there were half naked girls everywhere you wouldn’t be bored.” 

“This prom is seriously lacking strippers and booze. I agree.” Clint said satirically from beside Tony. 

“We got booze.” 

“We _got_ paint thinner.” Tony took the flask again and drank from it despite his comment, he didn’t realise that the two girls had since wandered off, Clint with both of them, leaving him alone at the table with Rhodey.

“Give me some of that.” 

“Nu-uh, I’m a functioning alcoholic, you just become a mess when you’re drunk.” 

“Or, the most reasonable explanation for that is that you’re just a mess all the time. So it’s like nothing changes.” 

“Ouch. If I’m a mess, I’m _your_ mess.”

“Gotta make everything weird. But sure. Just gimme my drink back, i’m the one in pain here.” 

Tony gave in. “Alright but can we get out of here? All I can smell is perfume and hairspray.” 

“Nothing’s worse than that cologne you got on.” James smirked as Tony grabbed his crutches for him, allowing him to lean on him as he slowly pulled him to his feet.

“It’s a very expensive bottle actually, Calvin Klein. At least i’m not repping Old Spice like you.” 

“Shut up and just hand me my crutches.” 

“Yes sir.” Tony let him stand on his own when he thought it was okay, trying not to be too overt about it as he knew Rhodey was conscious people were looking at him, even if he wouldn’t say so.

The less Tony drank and flirted, he realised how the world still moved on around him without him having to try and gets it attention or permission so that he could spin with it and not end up alone and insignificant. That he wouldn’t be ignored.

They walked out of the dance and into the school hallway, which surprisingly was completely empty, and so Tony got that strange feeling in his stomach when you see the lockers and the dark empty classrooms all alone down the narrow hall, because you only ever see it bustling with self centred teens, filling up the space with their own bullshit.

With some help from his friend, Rhodey sat on the floor against the tall grey lockers, which rattled to the music booming from the speakers in the next room, Tony sat beside him, lifting his knees to his chest, not good for his suit (Howard always nagged at him about it) but he didn’t care.

“Boy do we look like a couple of losers right now. What happened to us?” Tony smiled fondly at his friend.

“Oh shut up. You’re gonna be back on your bullshit when we get to college. I’ll bet money on it.” 

“I’ve got a new beau. No bullshit for me.” _If it lasts that long_ He thought cynically to himself.

“Oh yeah, you’ll get bored of him soon. I’ve never known you to settle down and be with someone, just one person.” 

He was a little hurt by his comment, he knew he’d gained a reputation as a playboy among his peers and others but, he didn’t think his friend thought the same. “Maybe. But... Things are good, for the first time, uh, ever, probably.”

“Well i’m happy for ya.” His tone didn’t suggest so. 

“Doesn’t sound like it.” Tony reaffirmed.

“I don’t exactly feel like myself right now, I thought i was gonna be able to celebrate like everyone else, run out of the school with my report card like everyone else, and I’m sat here with you, outside prom, not that i especially wanted to come anyway. Sorry if I’m not in the best mood.”

Rhodey let out of a long breath, Tony finally spoke after roaming deep eyes over his sullen looking friend, who had done his best to remain optimistic. Tony wanted to let him know how strong he was, especially compared to himself, but he was never good at talking to people. “Okay but like, you’ve recovered so fucking fast, and that’s not all the doctors and physical therapy and crap that’s you, you know... I’d rather be out here with you then in there with all of those losers anyway...” 

“Hm. I’ll try and believe you, man.” He sighed, and Tony unknowingly scooted closer to him. “Um. Just so you know, you know a while back at that party when I saw you and Clint and i freaked out?” 

“Vaguely.” Tony squinted.

“It was mostly because it was you two. I’ve never had a problem with you being... you know. I mean apart from growing up around military folk, my mom always took me to church so I suppose in the back of my head I was just scared and confused, but I don’t care. I hope this guy treats you well.” 

Tony blinked at him, not really knowing what to say. “My dad has never really cared for religion. I think my mothers mother was catholic but I don’t think Howard likes his space being influenced with what he calls ‘superstitions and fairytales’, but I suppose i can see where you’re coming from.” 

James nodded. “I don’t think i’m religious myself.”

“Well if you were I don’t really think you’d be my friend at all. I think you wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole, I’m the type of person people throw tomatoes and piss at on the street.”

“If anyone did to that to you, I would not hesitate to punch a bitch. Even while being disabled.” 

“I’d punch some bitches for you too.”

“As far as I can recall you’ve never been in a fight, you punched that kid and gave him a black eye but he just cried and went back to his mom that you made out with.”

Sometimes Tony wished people wouldn’t recall back to him things he’d done because he just ended up feeling terrible. “No wait! I didn’t tell you! I hit a guy over the head with a trash can.” 

“Okay, you definitely didn’t do that.” 

“I did! Okay it was the lid of a trash can, but still, it was pretty cool. Tutor guy was getting in a fight with these assholes and then I came up out of nowhere, you know, like a badass.” 

James slipped up a laugh. “I would’ve liked to have seen that. Jeez if this guy is a teacher and getting into brawls on the street you might as-well date Clint.” 

“No, never, don’t ever say that again. I didn’t even know it was him I was making out with I was drunk! And nobody even told me! Not even him! God.”

“You act so normal with each other, like nothing happened.” 

“Because in my memories, nothing did happen. Not with us. I was drunk and high, I did _so_ many drugs.”

“You were drunk and high when you kissed me.” 

They stared at one another. _Pearly dewdrops’ Drop_ was playing in the next room.

“That was different. We are different. I’m not as close to Clint or any of them like I am with you. That’s why it’s easy to pretend nothing ever happened with him, that’s probably why Nat didn’t get mad if I fooled around with him, because she didn’t think either of us would ever catch feelings.” 

“I didn’t catch feelings.” 

“Aw. We would’ve made a cute couple.” Tony teased, Rhodey hit his shoulder with a small laugh, quieter than the distant music. Tony rested his head on his shoulder. 

The girls bathroom door swung open, causing both of them to spring up as if someone had walked in on them doing something private. “This is an adorable scene. I like it when you boys get along.” 

Thankfully, it was just Natasha and Pepper.

“I heard girls take forever in the bathroom but I didn’t know it was true.” Tony tilted his head to the side.

“Maybe if you let a girl stay the night after you screw her you’d know.” Pepper smiled, the better he got to know her the more he could differentiate between jokes and genuine attacks but sometimes it was still difficult.

“You’re assuming he lets girls come to his place.” Rhodey interjected, lending Natasha a hand as she sat on the floor beside him.

“Everyone has it out for me tonight.” Tony furrowed his brows at all of them. Pepper sat beside Nat against the cold thumping locker as he suspected. 

“It’s because they’re gonna miss you.” Nat smiled as her red head fell back against the metal, giving Rhodey a suggestive glance before resting her eyes on Tony. 

“Hm. I never would have thought.” Tony meant that. Letting himself smile back before she turned and looked ahead. They all looked ahead, at the opposite row of lockers, symmetrically running down the hallway, alone, not to be touched until next years class claim them as their own.

All of them had their own lives, their own problems, God, Tony knew he could name a few of his own if he wanted to. Although he felt existential, suddenly aware of how he cared about their individual existences, each sat in front of a locker on the floor away from the party and the noise, and how he’d miss them too, he was surprisingly, happy. 

After they’d all sat their for awhile, quietly thinking and sharing the flask. Wondering how they’d formed such a motley crew of inconvenienced and troubled, injured kids, some ABBA song Tony heard from the hall provoked him to get up and do something, and they did. All of them a little tipsy left the school.

They wandered around the streets, drinking and shouting. Tony knew he had time until Steve picked him up, and as much as he enjoyed the company of his friends,

Nothing could beat how he felt when he was with Steve.

It was dark out, they were in a nice neighbourhood, lit by working street lamps and chandeliers through the windows of tea rooms.

“Do you think we could get into a bar?” Rhodey asked, Nat stayed beside him with Tony and Pepper walked ahead.

“Maybe if we ask nicely. Or if one of you girls are willing to question your dignity and seduce the bouncer, I mean I could try because i’m totally open to objectify myself but he probably wouldn’t enjoy that. However, I’m open to suggestions.”

“Girls always get into bars, seduction or not. Bouncers and bartenders just hate obnoxious boys.” Nat said.

“It’s true.” Pepper sighed.

They strolled around the evening. Sometimes bundling together, holding hands, brushing shoulders and shouting. Clint caught up with them eventually. They joked as much as they could, dancing in the twinkling lights to music coming from bars and clubs.

At one point, Rhodey told them he needed to stop, and rest for a second. Tony didn’t hear and wandered off while they stayed with him. 

Across the street, was a grand hotel, gold and lovely, standing tall with the name written on the roof in large thick bronze letters, it was a Hilton. 

A Bentley had driven away, swiftly and promptly after a couple had gotten out together, the man, tall with greying hair had his hand on the woman’s back, from the backs of their heads she was a little bit younger, but not outrageously so. The only reason Tony seemed to be fixed on the scene at first was how the hotel glimmered from the inside out, how it was so elegant but subtle and mysterious compared to the rest of the street, but he recognised one of the figures. 

Surely enough, thanks to the street lighting, he saw that it was his father. Strange.

That definitely wasn’t his mother.

He tried not to think the worst, as much as he was pessimistic. Howard was an asshole, but Tony never thought he would ever stoop that low.

Then he kissed her.

Tony thought he was going to be sick. 

Just as everything started to spin around him, a hand clapped on his shoulder. 

“Hey! I was calling your name, what’s up?” Clint raised an eyebrow. 

Tony shrugged him away, more aggressively than he meant to. “Nothing. Nothing. Um, I think Steve might be at the school waiting for me so i’m gonna head back.” He choked out each word like there was bile in his throat, clawing at his insides.

“Uh huh, we were gonna head back too, Rhodes needs to get home.”

“Is he okay?” Tony said hurriedly.

“Yeah, just don’t think he can handle walking anymore, says it hurts. It sucks.”

“Oh, oh, okay.” Tony nodded and walked past Clint like he was a ghost, once he saw Rhodey was mostly okay, the rest of his friends, the cars, the street lamps all mended into a flashing contortion of shapes and white. 

Music was still booming from inside the school when they headed back towards its old English structure. He couldn’t have possibly been more relieved to see Steve parked on the corner, straddling his motorcycle, picking at some thread on his pants.

He thought his friends might have hugged him goodbye before he approached Steve, but he could barely feel anything. 

“Looks like you snuck off. Have fun?” Steves voice was like sanctuary to his ears, which burned, hot, with anger. 

Tony touched Steves chest, the faux-leather bomber jacket that zipped up over it, looking up at his eyes for comfort. His friends were shouting at the distance, probably something at him, goading him on, but he didn’t need it.

“Take me home. Please.” 

When Tony said _’home’_ he didn’t mean where he lived, where his family lived, he meant Steves, and Steve knew it too. He knew the look in Tony’s eye when he was uneasy, and nodded firmly.

“Okay, get on, I’ll get us back in no time.” 

Tony obeyed, and with Steve he was able to muster up enough courage to flash a false smile at his friends sitting on the brick stairs outside the school doors, waving to them with a measly, unwilling hand from the back of Steves vehicle. 

And when Tony wrapped his arms around Steve waist tightly, Steve always went faster. 

Steve had left the record player on in his apartment, it was playing a David Bowie album, which Tony thought was strange, Steve didn’t listen to anything past 1957, maybe he bought some new one. There was also a few candles lit in odd corners around the room. Tony felt instantly much calmer, much readier to forget about what he’d seen but unable to push down the anger in his stomach. 

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to leave candles burning when you go out? That’s a fire hazard.” Tony tried to joke but it came out shakier than intended, considering he hadn’t said a word walking up the stairwell.

“Was trying to be romantic. Candles aren’t always romantic though are they?” Steve looked around his apartment unsurely.

“It’s fine. It’s nice, actually.” Tony sighed.

“Okay, now, can you tell me what’s up? Something happen?” The older man spoke in a soft voice as rested his hands atop Tony’s shoulders from behind him.

“No. Nothing happened. Just hate dances.” 

Tony spun around on his heels, held on Steves forearms, glad he’d taken off his jacket, glad Steve was smiling down at him. 

“I don’t buy that, why would you put such an effort into getting ready if you didn’t like dances - I mean, you don’t need to make an effort you still look great, you look great.” 

Tony held onto him a little tighter, looking up into his blue eyes that looked grey in the dimness of his apartment, he didn’t even mutter a thank you, instead kissing the man fiercely, angrily, using the flames inside him to work up the might to get back at his father. 

Steve kissed him back, wrapping his strong arms around him that made him feel safe, but to Tony’s annoyance, Steve could always sense when something was wrong.

“Hey. What are you doing?” 

“Kissing you, is that not allowed? You don’t wanna fuck me?” 

Steve tilted his head. “Do _you_ want that?” 

“Sure.” 

“Tony.” 

The tension in his spine decreased as he sunk into the warmth of Steves arms and eyes. Huffing out a breath. “I really like you, Steve.” 

Steves eyes widened. “I hope that’s not what’s making you so tense. D’you mean that?” 

“I do, yeah, I do. I really mean it.” His anger stopped his inhibitions that would usually stop him sounding so needy. “You’re not - You’re not so bad.” 

Steve smiled. “You’re not too bad yourself. I feel the same way, you know.” 

Tony did really like Steve. More than he’d ever liked anyone. He only wished that Howard wouldn’t ruin, like he ruined everything.

Tony wrapped his arms around Steves waist, resting his head on his firm chest, strong arms pulling him into an even tighter, comfortable embrace. _Life On Mars_ by David Bowie spun out on the record player, and Tony felt himself slowly swaying with Steve, carefully, holding one another in their arms. 

Suddenly Tony forgot about Howard, about getting revenge on him. He drowned in Steve, in all of him, dancing ever so gently in his small apartment, their own personal rendezvous, their own world away from everyone else, it was just them, and Tony had never felt so appreciated, Steves soft whispers into the top of his head and candles gently flickering around them made him feel safe at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait! i’m officially don’t with exams so i can focus on writing! thanks for being so patient and thanks always for the feedback it’s really appreciated !


	23. When I Kissed The Teacher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _Nearly petrified 'cause he was taken by surprise  
>  When I kissed the teacher  
> Couldn't quite believe his eyes  
> When I kissed the teacher  
> My whole class went wild  
> As I held my breath, the world stood still, but then he just smiled  
> I was in the seventh heaven  
> When I kissed the teacher_”  
> ~ABBA

After much hesitation and worry from Steve that there would be another ‘incident’, Tony slept in Steves bed by his side, and thankfully it was a (mostly) peaceful night. Tony spent a good while staring at a spider on the bedside table, spooned by Steve who was fast asleep by then. He was thinking about his father, and that woman, who wasn’t his mother, and his friends, and college, and Steve.

The morning was cool and bright, The light between Steves broken window blind woke Tony, and there was instinctive concern that disturbed Steve when the younger man fidgeted against his chest. 

Tony enjoyed how Steve looked when he slept, at least when he was having a peaceful, nightmare-free sleep. His arms and his chest still looked uncomfortably large but the tension in his muscles was no longer there, so he looked much softer, despite the little wrinkle on his forehead that suggested he still had his guard up. 

“Are you staring at me?” The older man mumbled, before opening one eye to look at Tony, sat beside Steve with his knees against his chest. 

Tony’s cheeks warmed, and he smiled, pushing back Steves blond hair. “It irritates me how good you look in the morning.” 

“You give weird compliments, you know that?” He took Tony’s hand from his hair and kissed his palm, a gentle and tired hand around his wrist. “C’mere.”

Tony grinned, allowing himself to be pulled onto Steves chest by his dainty wrist, a large hand on his back wrangling him onto his lap as well as he could sleepily. 

Thin arms propped up on Steves chest, his head tilted in his elbow to look at the older man, their bare legs tangling together over rumpled bed sheets. Tony liked how small he felt even when he was lying on top of Steve, how Steve held his face in his hand, another one running up and down his side like he would disappear. 

“I like waking up to your face.” Steve said simply, brushing his pointer finger over Tony’s lips, which were always redder and plumper in the morning. “You’re too beautiful to not be seen first thing in the day.” 

Tony’s face screwed up in between trying not to smile and look angry, so he just buried his face in Steves chest in embarrassment. The man laughed, and tried to lift Tonys face up, rustling through his hair and grabbing his chin.

“What? What is it?”

“Stupid, you’re stupid. Why are you doing this to me?” Tony was smiling, but he wouldn’t let Steve see, roughly pulling at the mans arms so he wouldn’t see his blush.

“Doing what? Look at me, are you shy?” Steve chuckled tiredly, trying to get Tony to look at him. 

“No Im just tired, leave me alone.”

“You get hit on all the time, and you’re shy over me? come o-“ As Steve finally managed to look at Tony’s face, he interrupted with a hard kiss as to avoid looking him in the eye, and because he wanted to. 

Tony straddled him suddenly, pinning Steve down by his shoulders. He detached his lips, their mouths still a little dry from sleep. Steve had a dewy, warm smile on his lips, his hands on Tonys waist, pushing up his dress shirt from the night before, hanging onto his body loosely by a few buttons and wearing nothing else but his underwear. 

He looked at Steve, and felt like he was really there with him. That they hadn’t had a fight and that Steve hadn’t had a nightmare, and that they had become something utterly different to what they once were, that Tony had never known what it was like to feel like he belonged and wondered if Steve felt the same way. 

“I’m sorry. What’re you thinking about?” Steve said.

“Hm? Oh. You.” Tony spoke shortly. “Us. I’ve never really...” Tony chewed on his gum, Steve just rubbed his hand on his thigh patiently, which Tony both appreciated and hated, because he wanted to be stopped before he said something humiliating and wanted to stop trying to communicate his emotions at all costs.

“I know.” Steve said after a while of watching Tony bite his lip and look around the room for the rest of his sentence. “I’m going to make a coffee, okay, you want one?” 

“Yeah. But i also want you to stay in bed with me.” Tony admitted, a little insecurely, looking at the blue grey wallpaper that was peeling above Steves wooden bed-frame. 

“We’ve got all day to stay in bed.” Steve sat up, holding Tony in his lap, hugging his arms around him for just a moment longer. 

Sometimes it took Tony some time to adjust to all of the... _affection_. He’d slept around in the past, ended up in the same bed as people who’s names he’d long forgotten about, but that was different.

Sometimes when people patted him on the back, or squeezed his shoulder, or hugged him or kissed him, he felt rotten. 

Steve planted a harsh kiss on Tony’s ever so slight stubble before lifting him off his lap as if he weighed nothing, making sure he was sat comfortably on the bed, Tony pulled his sleeves over his hands, causing his shirt to lift up and expose his thighs, that added on top of Steve manhandling made him feel too small, but still had an annoying urge to be near him.

So Tony had gotten to his feet and ran (ran being an overstatement) behind Steve, jumping up his back and wrapping his arms around his neck, his legs dangling childishly to the floor, smiling to himself as Steve grabbed onto his legs.

“Can’t be without me for five seconds?” 

As his feet dropped to the floor, he brushed his fingers over the scar on the back of Steves shoulder, how it rippled black and red like a tattoo of a rose. Steve didn’t seem to mind, but peeled Tony’s hand away as he turned to face him.

“Does it hurt?” 

“No, not anymore.”

Tony hopped up on the counter, Steve rubbed his hand along his bare olive calf before putting the kettle on to boil. 

“What was it like, getting shot? Before when you used to talk to me about the war you never mentioned it, like it wasn’t a big deal at all.”

“It was a big deal, they wanted to ship me home but I recovered fast enough, I wanted to stay there at the time.” 

“I would ask why but we’ve already established that you’re insane.” Tony smiled placidly. “Sorry if this isn’t what you’d rather be talking about first thing in the morning.”

“Talking to you is never boring, Tony, I’ll give you that. To put it blankly, being shot is no fun, I’d probably avoid it if I were you.” 

“Yah I’ll try, thanks for the advice.” He replied sarcastically. “It’s strange - I’ve been around weapons manufacturing since as long as I can remember, my dad used to test out these stupid giant weapons in our basement and it became normal to me. He never lets me forget what they’re used for - you know - _’protecting our freedoms for the greater good’_ and whatever but... on our end we never see the consequences of it, so it’s hard for me to realise that.” 

He cringed and tensed at the thought of his father once again, wondering how one man could make him so uneasy even when he’s not around. 

“I mean, your childhood certainly sounds interesting.” He shrugged. “And it’s not like I got shot with Stark Weapons, it was some kind of handmade dart-bullet? Got me good. Not to underestimate your father but we were going in there with the latest tech and these guys were hiding in trees shooting at us with bamboo bullets and... Yeah.” Steve poured the coffee, having gone quiet.

The quietness seemingly caused by Tony’s nosiness and/or ignorance of what Steve had went through made him feel annoyed at himself once again, and increasingly angry at this father. 

Wanting to change the subject, all the while feeling fire in his belly that wasn’t from the steaming black coffee Steve handed him, Tony spoke suddenly out of the silence. “I think my dad is having an affair.” 

Steve paused. And set his own coffee down. “What? Really?” 

Tony just nodded, swallowing hard, struck with the reality he’d brought to it once he’d said it aloud. “I saw him with another woman when me and my friends ditched prom. I’m certain it was him.” an irritated huff escaped his mouth.

“Oh, Tony, are you really, really sure?” 

“Well yeah? Don’t tell me I’m not because I am.” He sighed once again, and scratched his thigh to distract himself from displacing his anger at his father on Steve, like he had done for too long, a long time ago. “He’s always been - I know he’s always been a piece of shit to me but I didn’t know he was capable of this. And i don’t understand why either. It doesn’t add up in my head.” 

“Is this why you were on edge last night?” Tony just nodded again. He could see that Steve was trying to figure out what to say, which unfortunately irritated him further. “I don’t think these things are as simple as calculations and formulas with correct answers Tony.” The younger man scrunched his nose up, tilting his head to the side. “There’s usually not a single explanation for these things.” 

“A part of me doesn’t even care why, I’m just... She wasn’t even like really young and pretty or his secretary or anything like that just a normal, nice looking lady and I don’t know who she is but I’m mad at her too. Fuck him. Just fuck him. What am I supposed to do?” 

“I... I don’t really know Tony. I’m sorry. It always seems like you’ve got so much on your plate.” Steve took Tony’s coffee from him and set it aside, standing between his legs against the counter.

“It’s not about me. It doesn’t matter about how I feel, what about my mom?” 

“I know you’re gonna hate me saying this, but your parents have obviously been together a very long time, they’re both adults, whatever happens, I think you should just let them deal with it in their own way.”

“That’s bullshit, and I do hate it when you talk to me like I’m a kid.” Tony groaned and brushed Steves hands away from him. “If I don’t tell my mom then he’s just going to keep doing this and making her look stupid and taking advantage but if I do tell her she’s going to be hurt and she might divorce him and then she’ll have no money, and -“

“This happened last night, yes?” 

“Yes.” Tony replied, overtly irritated.

“I don’t blame you for thinking about this a lot. It’s not fair, none of it’s fair on you. God, sometimes I wish i could just whisk you away, take you somewhere where you won’t get hurt anymore.” 

“That sounds like an awfully nice fantasy Steven but a fantasy it be.” Tony smiled tightly. “There’s no knight in shining armour coming for me, unless you’ve got a white horse or something. And that’s fine. It doesn’t matter.” 

“You matter to me. Okay?” Despite Tony’s initial aggravation at Steves hand on his chin and trying to pull away, he sighed, allowing his head to be pushed up to look at Steve in the eyes. “And if I’m being honest, I don’t give a damn about any of these people and their stupid self centred bullshit, I just care about you, it’s always only been you, right from the start. Haven’t you got that by now?” 

Steve sensed Tony relaxed a little, and kissed his neck. Tony found it hard to believe and hard to hear, but he’d be damned if it didn’t make him feel ten times better.

“Maybe we could go away together...” Tony suggested quietly, and Steve looked down at him with a smile. “Summer is coming up, we could go to Italy or France, oh, I hear Rome is beautiful this type of year.” He tried not to sound too hopeful, or too eager, but the thought of Steve suddenly ‘whisking him away’ sounded too appealing whether he would admit or not, even if he felt selfish for it.

“That sounds... perfect.” ‘ _though nothing could be as beautiful as you_ ’.

“We could go to the Netherlands, we could go to Amsterdam.” Tony exclaimed, glad that Steve was distracting him.

“I’ve been. During tours we’d stop there a bunch. It was the only time the other soldiers could meet hookers and smoke opium deep in the city late at night.” 

“Sounds like a hell of a party. I’m guessing you didn’t indulge though.” 

“I stayed in the hotel to draw or read.” He said blankly with a slight smile on his face, because he knew Tony would giggle and he did. “I was lame.” 

“ _Was?_ ” Tony raised an eyebrow.

“I knew you were gonna say that, you’re getting predictable Stark.” 

Tony flicked Steve in the ear. “Was that predictable?” 

“Ow? And yes I saw you coming from  
a mile away.” 

“Pfft, okay.” Tony hooped off the counter, and ended up caught in Steves arms once again, kisses on his neck, and it calmed him mostly, a moan of relief slipping from his lips. “You know, we own a small place in Colleferro, it’s just outside of Rome and by all the mountains and and the trees, and we’d be alone.” 

“Wherever you go, I’ll go.” Steve said lowly as he bent down to kiss the crane of Tony’s neck, the boy leaning into his lips like they were his only remedy. 

Tony sank into him, and it was so easy for his father to seem like a distant memory, his father and every other inconvenience in his life.

He pulled away, and gave Steve a look that said _’Thank you’_ without him needing to say it. “You make me feel good.” He smiled awkwardly. “I need to pee.” And then he retreated to the bathroom before Steve could get another word in. 

Steve knew, if Tony took too long, he would check up on him. But he knew he couldn’t stop him. He drank his coffee, finally. Ignoring his messy bed and clothed on the floor for once and sitting at the table, flicking through his sketchbook. He’d started a few drawings, and just hadn’t had the time to finish them. 

Just as he picked up a pencil, there was a knock at the front door. _Odd_ , he thought, most people didn’t come around this early in the morning, and the mail went straight to a letter box at the end of the hall. 

He threw on a shirt, and only opened the door to reveal himself, embarrassed of the mess that mostly Tony had made. 

It was Sam. 

Fuck. 

Why, why, why, is he here, now, of all times.

“Oh, hey, Sam. I wasn’t expecting you.” Steve tried his best not to look panicked. 

“Hey man, sorry to just drop by like this but i gotta talk to you.” Sam looked tense, a little tight around the lips.

“It’s not _really_ the best time right now.” 

Sam peered through the door, saw the bedsheets slung over the mattress messily and an assortment of clothes on the floor. “Oh?” 

“Uh, yeah.”

The noise of the faucet running from the bathroom alerted both of them, mainly Steve. Damn creaky pipes.

“ _Oh._ ” Sam raised his eyebrows suggestively, obviously piecing things together. 

“Yeah.” Steve coughed.

“Is it that girl you were telling me about?” He grinned, Steve just nodded and tried to smile back.

“Yeah, yeah, um. Is what you needed to speak to me about important?” 

Steve didn’t hear the bathroom door open as he was speaking, and then Sam was staring over his shoulder at Tony. Stood in the middle of Steves living room. In his underwear. And now nothing else. 

None of them spoke, and just stared back and forth at one another, until Tony raised his hand and waved, flashing a big forced, uncomfortable smile at Sam. “Hi. Seth, was it?” 

Sam stared at Tony, and then looked at Steve, without saying anything, wide eyed. Steve back into reality and ushered Sam away from the door, shutting it behind both of them in the hallway.

“Okay, I get this probably looks weird -“

“Weird?!” Sam half whispered-half shouted. “Why is the Stark kid in your living room, using your bathroom and - oh, you know, the most obvious thing -“

“It’s nothing like that! I just knew you weren’t really fond of him and...” 

Sam looked bewildered. “It’s still doesn’t explain - you know what? It’s none of my business, none of my business.” 

“His folks, you know, they kicked him out... I just, gave him a place to stay for the night.” 

“In your bed?” Sam spoke abruptly, and look as though he regretted saying it. Steve clenched his jaw. “Look, I do really need to talk to you. If i go back in there, is he gonna be fully clothed?” 

“Yes. Yeah.” _Hopefully_. “Just. Don’t worry about this.” 

“We’ll talk about it another time.” 

“Okay.” Steve inhaled a long, hard breath, worried. “Come in, I’ll make you a coffee.” 

“Mhm.” Sam nodded with pursed lips, Steve felt very uncomfortable, and prayed to himself that Tony had changed when he opened the door.

Thankfully, Tony was sat at the table with his coffee and the sketchbook Steve had left there, wearing a pair of Steves sweats and a t-shirt, his glasses dipping off of his nose, not as subtle as he hoped but good enough. It also seemed that he’d kicked his clothes under the bed, to avoid how suggestive the scene looked prior, Tony’s prom clothes scattered messily on the ground around the bed which was also in a state until Tony made it.

“Tony. You remember Sam.” He tried casually, giving Tony a warning look when Sam wasn’t looking. 

“I sure do.” Tony smiled widely. It was hard to tell that he was extremely uneasy. 

“Hey.” Sam nodded, and gladly followed Steve to the kitchen area where he watched him make a coffee. 

“What is it you need to talk about? Besides... You know.” Steve coughed into his fist.

“I’m just wondering if this is... If i can talk about this with him here.” 

“He’s alright.” 

“ _He_ has a name and is sitting right over here.” Tony spoke loudly as he mindlessly flicked through the pages. 

Tony didn’t like being ignored or disregarded.

Sam mouthed ‘seriously?’ at Steve. He must’ve observed the familiar _’cut it out’_ head nod Steve threw at Tony as he narrowed his eyes as he took the coffee from Steve, sensing more than just an acquaintanceship between them.

“Tony’s alright. You can talk in front of him.”

“If you’re sure, then fine. You might wanna sit down.”

“I’m sure whatever you throw at me, I’ll be fine.” 

“It’s about Barnes.” 

Steves head shot up. So did Tony’s.

“I’m listening.” Steves voice was low, stern, as if he’d forgotten about what Sam had walked in on, that the importance of that was now gone. 

“I’ve been having some talks with some of the old generals, they invited me in for a meeting. I shouldn’t really be telling you this but I thought you should know.” Steve was listening intently, he’d learn against the kitchen counter, his fingers digging underneath the granite. “He was missing for so long they just assumed he was KIA, you know this. Well, they think, there’s a possibility he might have been spotted in Berlin. A couple of days ago.”

The man was silent, Tony’s eyes saddened as he watched him from the other side of the room at his confused and distressed glances at his feet. 

Tony therefore decided to break the silence, as Steve would’ve done for him.

“Reagan’s in Berlin. Did you hear the speech on TV? telling them to tear the wall down. Do you think it has anything to do with that?” 

“I don’t know, maybe. It might not even be him.”

“Who - who would’ve known it was him? In Berlin especially. It doesn’t make sense.” 

“There’s some US soldiers over there on the West side. Saw someone who could travel back and forth between West and East Berlin who looked an awful lot like him. And it made sense, whatever Reds that might have been out with the Vietcong might have had something to do with it. But we don’t know. I’m sorry, Steve. I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear.” 

Steve was quiet, trying to process the words as they came into him. 

“At least there’s a possibility that he’s alive. That counts for something.” Steve had this way about him sometimes, he’d be optimistic and hopeful while still looking stern and almost sullen, that’s how he looked in that moment, Tony watching him from the table. Tony felt a pit in his stomach, he wanted to reach out to Steve but he couldn’t with Sam there, but another part of him didn’t want to touch Steve at all - He felt incredibly selfish and sick that he wanted to run away, that once again someone he’d come to care about in his life would displace him and most likely leave him, set him aside for something or someone better, that he cared about more.

 

\- 

 

Ever since Tony and Steve heard the ambiguous news about Bucky, Tony had done his best to be as distant as he possibly could, which he knew was unfair, as Steve appeared relatively okay and unaffected - which was the best as he could be, his friend _may_ be alive, the only certainty was Tony, and in Steves mind, Tony was there and he was with Steve and he was happy, while Tony on the other hand was only plagued with more doubt about whether Steve would stay by his side given the possibility that his long gone friend returned home. 

Tony had tried to seem less interested in Steve given he already feared that he looked to needy. Which was hard, harder than he thought it would be.

Graduation was coming up, Tony was arranged to give a speech and the rest. 

He wanted Steve there, annoyingly. And aa valedictorian he had another invite in addition to his parents.

It irritated him how awkward Steve made him.

Tony slid the invitation under Steves front door, and then was confronted with the decision whether to walk away or stay there until Steve opened the door, he knew he was there, he saw his bike outside, fuck. 

“Um, hi?” Steve stood in the door frame with the invitation looking petite in his hands, curiously looking over Tony with as he stood in the hallway, not knowing where to put his hands, so he pulled out a cigarette. 

“Oh, hey.” Tony said, with false confidence. “Think i dropped something there.” He smirked, and alluded to Steve that he could open it. 

“What are you up to now?” Steve smiled as he peeled into the envelope. 

“Nothing, just being my usual, innocent self.” He lit up the cigarette and watched Steve as he opened it, trying not to look too interested.

“Mhm, sure.” Steve mumbled with a similar smirk to Tony’s. He pulled the card out of the envelope with ease, and read it quietly while Tony filtered between pretending not to look as he smoked and trying to gage Steves reactions. 

“Really?” Steve asked, looking up at Tony. 

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “Yeah. Yeah why not.” 

“Hmm well. You know my students graduate on the same day so, you’ve put me in quite a pickle here.” 

“You don’t have to come.” Tony said quickly.

The man tugged on his arm with his finger, slipping the invitation under his arm pit. “I’m kidding. Of course I’m kidding. I’ll be there.” 

That ended with Steve pulling Tony into his apartment.

On the day of Tony and his friends graduation, it was hot, the school field filled with teachers and parents and most unfortunately: Howard. 

After Tony had seen Howard with the _other woman_ he’d been as spiteful and as resentful as he possibly could. He even considered writing a valedictorian speech until that had happened, but now wanted to have fun embarrassing himself and his father. 

It was clear to see too, that although Steve was happy to be there for Tony, to see him happy with his friends, in their cloaks and hats, he was equally uncomfortable having to sit with Howard and Maria considering he knew a secret about them that neither of them knew about each other. However, some could argue that he should have been uncomfortable around them the minute he began an affair with their teenaged son. Thankfully, it was evident Sam was not going to speak about what he saw in Steves apartment, it didn’t seem like he especially wanted any involvement in it.

It was never going to be exciting, sitting and watching everyone collect their diplomas, awkwardly smiling at their loved ones and their friends as they shook hands with the principal and the superintendent (neither of which were pleased with Tony being valedictorian but they had no choice given his outstanding performance and the fact he had already begun his degree in Technology every other day). 

Tony could feel Steves eyes burning the back of his head, warm and anticipating. 

Carefully avoiding eye contact with his father sat two seats over from him, Tony peered back at Steve with a glittery eyed smirk, the smile back he received back was proud and he almost felt deserving of it, until the tassels from his cap fell over his face. The man tried to hold back a laugh from several rows away as Tony twisted his lips into an ‘o’ and attempted to blow the tassels away, he succeeded, with a smile, and then was slapped in his right shoulder, forcing him to turn around.

“When you stop gazing into his eyes maybe you’ll realise they’re calling you up soon.” Pepper exhaled, her hands clapping for a random student walking off of the stage. As class president, Pepper was sat at the front row with Tony. “Do you have a speech? You don’t look like you have any notes with you.” 

“Nah. Just gonna wing it, preparing for things isn’t really my style.” 

She rolled her eyes. “I know that. But you should take this more seriously, other people would kill to be in your position, you know how good it looks to colleges.”

“Please, no lecture now. I’m sure i’m gonna get a good enough one from my father.” 

“Fair point.”

 _”And now we’d like to present this years Valedictorian, Tony Stark.”_

“Ah, here I go.” 

“Good luck.” She said dryly, with a curve in her lips. “Although you don’t need it.” A little more sarcastically. 

He gave her a wink, and headed up the long separated steps up to the stage. His principal, an older balding man who’s nose hairs were always too long, giving him a forced but polite smile as he shook his hand, and let him stand up to the mahogany podium at the foot of the stage. 

The crowd in front of him wasn’t especially daunting. Rows and rows of bobbled heads and blue square caps, nameless faces, Rhodey and Nat sat in the back row of the students, James on the end seat so he could get in and out easily - both of them lifted their middle fingers at Tony when his eyes set on him, and it was oddly comforting, as comforting as the natural smile he spotted on Steves face in the back, like whether Tony could see him or not he was giddy to see him, it filled his stomach with excitement, and a sick nervousness at the same time. 

“Hi.” Tony smiled into the mic after a while. Earning a couple of laughs. “This is a little daunting, being up here in front of all of you and it shouldn’t be, i know all of you -“ He didn't. “- It’s uh, privilege, to be up here, really. I didn’t really plan a speech or anything because I think it’s better to just go in head first and speak my truth and I don’t really see the point.” He glanced over at his principal, who was unimpressed but trying to hide it. “Um, so anyway. Thanks, parents and teachers and the rest of you for putting up with me while I go on about how far we’ve all come and how you’re all gonna become doctors and lawyers and do great things. It’s been a long ride, but I suppose it has to end somewhere, right? I cant say it’s been a steady journey either, there’s been a number of bumps along the way. I - We’ve learnt a lot about ourselves and...” His eyes glazed over Steve, warmly, and drifted too far over to his father. “And others. But we made it here. Some would say the journey is more important than the end and that might be true you know? it’s not ending a chapter that makes you feel fulfilled it’s the time you spend on reading it and cultivating it - uh, I kind of lost that analogy there.” There were some charmed laughs in the audience, but all he focused on were his friends. “What I’m trying to say is that I know everyone has... worked hard. Despite the obstacles in the way. And when we go to college we’ll meet new people and get new problems, i’m sure there’ll be a bunch of surprises a long the way, but that’s just it isn’t? That’s part of... growing up, and becoming a better person. Finding yourself. And trying to better the future, creating a better world. I imagine a lot of people won’t take me seriously and I don’t blame them, I am a clown of the highest degree but - _’The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool’_...I don’t really know where I was going with that but I know people sometimes use quotes in these things.” The audience laughed, and he really didn’t know why, he wasn’t trying to be funny. Oftentimes, Tony just had a way about him that made people chuckle. “I don’t know, I think, I think about that time that the gym flooded. And it must’ve been Freshman year, because I thought that we were gonna die, I was _adamant_ that that was my last day on this earth even though the water barely even reached my ankles, I mean the scientific possibility of it happening didn’t even add up in my head but I still thought that I should be getting my affairs in order or something. That’s what life is gonna be like when we graduate and go on with our lives, whatever you all do. Just a bunch of times where you think you’re gonna drown but you don’t, because your friend, he tells you to stop being stupid and you realise that you’re alive.” He didn’t realise he was smiling, not because of himself, the thought of Rhodey. The thought of Steve. “Aaaaand our lovely principal is giving me that look like it’s time to wrap it up so...” Tony smirked, causing a deliberate laugh from the crowd. “Thank God we all made it here alive, right? Thanks everyone for listening to me, if you did, of course, if you snuck off behind the bleachers to make out I’d also understand. And I wish you all the luck in the world in your journeys through your lives and your mishaps.” He pulled the square cap from his head, fixing his hair as he did it. “I’m guessing this is the part where we throw these in the air. So.” The rest of his peers copied him. 

He was glad that most of the crowd had smiling faces, although he looked through most of them, he didn’t hear himself when he exclaimed the year of his graduating class, or the row of cheers and blue caps flung into the sky carelessly. It didn’t phase him. He wished it did. 

It was a stream of flashing cameras after that, some unwarranted, forced pictures of him with the faculty, ones his father said will be put up on the school walls if he were to become a ‘great man one day’ but, _fuck that guy_. Back on the field however, Steve held the camera, capturing a picture of Tony, Rhodey, Natasha, Pepper and Clint, caps back on their heads. Tony’s head almost tilted onto James’ shoulder, their arms all around one another.

“Do you know how to work that camera old man because I’ve been smiling for like five minutes.” Tony seethed through his toothy grin. “My jaw hurts.” 

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Rhodey sniggered.

“Virgin.” Tony quipped back. 

“It’s just slow! I got a couple.” 

“Leave him alone you already dragged him here, just to make him your personal photographer.” Nat said. and moved just as Steve managed to take another picture. 

“Ugh!” They all groaned and fell out of place naturally.

“Well, that worked as well as always.” Pepper sighed.

“Cheer up, this might be the last time I see any of you losers.” James leant on Natasha for extra support, but tried not to make it too obvious.

“I’ll get Stevey to paint a picture of us, really capture the essence of our spirit.” Tony said jovially.

“You better pay me.”

“Being around me is enough, no?”

“No.” Natasha inclined.  
“  
“That was unnecessary.” Tony squinted.

“You set yourself up for that one I’m not gonna lie.” Politely, Steve attempted to give Clint his camera back, only for Tony to tug on his arm, like a child trying to get someone’s attention, resistant and eager. 

“Barton, take some of us will ya?” 

“Sure, if you pay me.” He called back and winked at Steve, who was willingly being pulled away for a picture, fondness on his face. While Tony didn’t appreciate the signal, not one bit, but he wouldn’t say anything.

“I’ll give you some more scraps from the trash for target practice Arrowhead.” 

Steve wrapped his arm around Tony’s shoulder as they posed for the picture, seemingly comfortable that Tony’s friends knew, that to anyone else they looked like nothing more than friends. 

But Tony was feeling careless, and stood up on his top toes, kissing Steve on the cheek just as the camera flashed.

“ _Ewwwww_.” 

Tony had a proud smirk on his cheeks, Steves face a little red. 

“Thanks for that.” The older man smiled, furrowed brows. No one else seemed to notice, everyone surrounded by their families, chattering, some people crying because it was the last time they’d see their friends. 

Tony removed his cap so he could whisper something unintelligible in Steves ear, but he didn’t cover his mouth with his hands like most people would, he loved to reckless in his intimacy, he loved how distracting Steve was even when he was just being there for him. 

“Thanks for coming by the way.” He said as Steve coughed into his fist, giving Clint a thankful nod for the photo before the rest of Tony’s friends got bombarded by their families.

“I’m happy i’m here. Loved your speech, it was... interesting.” 

“I’m just glad you came and found me, I’m sure Howard is searching for me so he can wring me by my neck for it. But I don’t care.” Admittedly, Tony felt fine with Steve watching him.

“You shouldn’t. It was great. It’s nice when you actually say your thoughts out loud, and I don’t mean telling me that my shirt makes me look like a stuffed sausage.”

“I like sausages.” He shrugged. 

Steve chuckled. “I take it back. And you look like a curtain.” 

“Touché.” 

A little quiet pause, while Steve toyed with the blue fabric draped over Tony’s shoulder.

“No touching.” 

“Oh. Right.”

“Later.” 

“Alright.” He smiled, full of commitment. “You go catch up with your friends. You look happy when you’re with them.”

“I’m happy when i’m with you.” Tony blurted out. 

Steve was clearly holding back a grin, sparing Tony from his own embarrassment.

“I mean like, right now. Like i’m happy right now, it’s not you specifically. Obviously. You actually annoy me all the time actually.” 

“- Tony.”

“I don’t even know why you came even it’s not like you have a whole class of students to watch graduate like-“

“Stop talking.” 

“Okay, I’ll stop. Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” He carefully slung his arm over Tony’s shoulder, pulling him close, it didn’t look like anything.

“Like - Um what happened to no more touching, you’re getting brave.”

“I cant help myself.” 

“Mhm, alright.” Carefully strolling through the field, stepping over a long white carpet that had been laid across the row of chairs that were now mostly empty, he spotted Rhodey sitting a little far away to rest, accompanied by his mother and father. “It seems that being mean to you no longer works.” 

“Because i know you’re not actually being mean. And because you look really nice when you blush. And I think you should probably wear blue more.” He almost said into Tony’s cheek as they walked, allowing some space for appearances.

“Is this you saying your thoughts out loud? I don’t mind it. Maybe I will start doing it more, like, you don’t look like a stuffed sausage, you actually look really hot, I want you to pick me up and make me feel like Thumbelina.” 

With a chuckle, Steves arm tightened ever so slightly around Tony’s shoulder. “I could do that, but it might look a little bit weird.” 

“My gown will fly all up in the air and I’ll expose myself, I mean it’s not something everybody hasn’t seen already but still, wouldn’t be appropriate.” As Tony giggled, Steve actually looked down to check if Tony was actually wearing anything underneath, doubting his memory but not doubting that it might be something he would do, thankfully he was actually wearing a pair of smart navy dress pants underneath, and his white shirt peeked out underneath the robe. “But maybe later?”

They stopped under the shadow of the bleachers, unfortunately still surrounded by other blue gowns. 

“You’re funny sometimes, too bad you’re a twerp every other time.” Pulling away to look at Tony more clearly, leaving a hand on his shoulder, watching him rearrange his cap on his head. 

“I’m always funny, i’m a hoot. Didn’t you hear my speech?” 

“Yeah, and it was an honour.” Tony laughed. “No, really. I’m actually really glad to be here and see this, see you. And it’s taking everything in me right now to not just...” 

“Me too.” 

They had their own way of understanding one another, different from most. Words weren’t always necessary because they could see what they meant by the look the others eye. And then they would just stare, holding the other in some way or fiddling with their hands just so they didn’t look so wrapped up each other, that their one priority in that moment wasn’t just _him_.

Tony felt sick in his stomach. But he was smiling.

“There you are!”

Steves hand fell to his side, as they were both faced with Howard and Maria. 

Tonys smile turned to scowl when he saw his father. 

“Thank God you found him Steve, I thought you ran off after your speech.” Maria kissed Tony on the cheek dotingly, squeezing his shoulder.”

“I did.” Tony said, eyes on his father. Steves eyes flickered between them worriedly, like Tony was about to maul his father’s face off then and there. 

“I would do the same if I gave an utterance like that.” Howard was unimpressed, as usual, but seemed put off by Tony’s penetrating glare.

“I wanted to be truthful, you know, I didn’t want to _lie_ , I didn’t wanna _stab anyone in the back_. And anyway, it wasn’t for you so it doesn’t really matter.”

“I thought it was great.” Steve interjected, before things got too heated. 

“It was unique. Just like you.” His mother added, linking her arm with her child’s, her head falling gracefully onto his shoulder.

“Thanks mommy.” He sung with a passive air about him, although it was entirely passive aggressive against Howard, unbeknownst to him.

“Well I think we should be getting off soon, the reservation is at 6.” 

“Didn’t anyone teach you how to be fashionably late, father?” 

“Since when did tardiness come in style? Sounds completely idiotic to me.” 

“Most things do. Doesn’t mean they are.” 

“Steve, will you come?” Maria sighed, interrupting their back and forth.

“Where to?” 

“This fancy-schmancy place in Madison Park. You should join us.” Tony locked eyes with Steve, and knew he couldn’t say no. “I know you’re hungry.” It was thrilling how Tony could flutter his eyelashes and roll his tongue so suggestively, but Steve was the only one who understood, averting his gaze quickly.

“I don’t want to impose.” 

“Don’t be silly, you’re like family.”

“Yeah, family.” Tony repeated sarcastically.

“Okay, sure. Thank you.” 

“On the condition that you sit in the back with Tony, this heat is making me feel light headed and I have to sit in the front.” She smiled, and Steve smiled back.

“Why do I have to sit in the back? I mean we’re celebrating me righ- actually. That’s fine, not a problem at all.” 

“That’s a surprise.” Howard muttered, Tony made a face behind his back when he looked over at the rest of Tonys class.

“Yeah, that’s not a problem.” Steve smiled.

The car ride wasn’t especially exciting. Apart from the fact that Tony was overly excited from the graduation ceremony and had two missions, Steve noticed.

_1\. Slight my father at any possible instance, because i have something over his head, and he doesn’t know about it._

_2\. I am going to make Steve as horny as I possibly can, without my family or anyone else in the car or restaurant noticing._

For some, stupid, childish reason, Tony flicking Steve in the knee as they sat with a small seat between them seemed to work, just a little bit, whether it was the fact that Tony had removed the robe and the white shirt he wore complimented his growing muscles and exposed just enough of his collarbones for Steve to admire without looking perverted. 

Next, in the restaurant, around an unusually large round table for four coated in a long white cloth and a tall glass vase with real flowers inside that shielded Steves view of Maria. It must’ve been a rich people thing, because they didn’t seem to mind - Tony continued to rub his ankles up and down Steves calves while maintaining an innocent and casual smile when he spoke across the table, if he could even see anyone.

The restaurant had a tall ceiling lined with golden pillars, a bronze tinted mirror in the ceiling that did nothing to compliment the New York sky but had grand chandeliers hanging all over, glimmering with delicate silver crystals and golden lights. The walls were a deep shade of reddish-purple, and made the restaurant which was filled with tables looks smaller than it actually was.

Tony was used to nice restaurants, they didn’t phase him at all, while Steve felt completely out of place, seemingly comforted and aroused by the glances Tony passed at him during conversation - he even insisted that he order for Steve, and while he was scared that Tony had ordered him some kind of plate of fish cut into the shape of roses with a dollop of mayo on the side, it was just a regular pesto spaghetti, which Tony also got the same.

He didn’t know whether he did this on purpose, but Tony ate in a very unusual and unique way, opening his mouth very wide and only chewing on one side of his mouth. Now - Steve thought, he was definitely not the kind of person who got aroused watching people eat, it was not a general thing, it was a Tony thing, he ate like his food was trying to escape from him, slurping up noodles so uncharacteristically animalistic and sloppy in a way that Steve enjoyed watching but knew he couldn’t without looking really strange.

While Steve was busy focusing on the way Tony ate, the younger man was engaged in a nearly heated discussion about politics with Howard, who at least had enough decorum to not get loud or abrasive at dinner, at least in public.

“Reagan’s policies are so fucking outdated, i don’t understand how you can support that old bastard, all he does is follow Maggie around like a sick puppy.” Tony spoke with a punch but then ate his food as if he didn’t care about what he was speaking about at all.

“You’re too young, and naive to know anything about this sort of thing.” Howard replied. Maria looked at Steve and rolled her eyes - apparently this happened a lot. 

“I know that you’re like, obsessed with that old geezer, because he got shot once and you think it’s really cool but Steve got shot and he doesn’t act like it’s the biggest achievement of his life, even if he does look like he has that American flag above his bed.” 

“I think having the flag around is a little _too much_.”

Ignoring him, “Wow, Steve I didn’t know that about you.” Howard added over Steve.

Tony, ignoring Howard. “- Wow, Steve you think that _loving America_ is too much?” 

Steve squinted at Tony, trying not to smile, or touch him. “I don’t think it’s polite to talk politics at the dinner table.” 

That shut them up. 

“Yeah, _Dad_ it’s impolite.” 

Howard was trying not to look so obviously confused as to where Tonys confidence had come from. 

Then Tony reached across, underneath the table cloth, and squeezed the inside of Steves thigh.

He looked over at Tony, who was nonplussed, shoving a forkful of green spaghetti into his mouth. 

“Excuse me.” Steve wiped a napkin over his mouth before exiting the table, Tonys eyes tailing after him.

“Yeah, I need to pee anyway.” Tony stood up a little too quickly and followed Steve to the nearest bathroom.

In the bathroom, which was very white, porcelain floors and walls and basins, mirrors surrounded by antique marble painted frames, Tony found himself immediately being dragged into a stall, which thankfully had no space above or below it.

“What are you doing?” Demanded Steve, locking the door behind Tonys back, his other arm holding him immobile, suspended in his embrace.

“Isn’t it obvious?” 

“In front of your family?”

“That didn’t stop you before. And anyway, if you really cared, why did you drag me in here?” 

“You didn’t have to follow.” 

“Yet here I am. In here. With you. You don’t like being teased do you?”

“God, Tony, sometimes I just wanna...” 

“What?” 

Steve searched Tonys eyes, they were angry, hot and excitable, not angry at him - but his hair fell over his forehead messily and his breath smelled like red wine and there was a small stain on his lips - oh, his lips, that the man couldn’t just ignore, even with the rest of the Starks sitting in the next room.

“You drive me crazy.” Steves rushed words pushed into Tonys neck as he kissed him there, a startled and lovely noise rose out of Tony’s lips which only provoked Steve more.

“You’re hard.” Tony moaned. “Didn’t realise I had that much of an impact on ya-“

Steve grabbed Tonys jaw with his open palm, squeezing his cheeks slightly with his finger and his thumb. “You talk too much sometimes.” Tony frowned, turning his head away from Steves grip, until he kissed him, and he smiled, because he couldn’t see it.

“Wanna blow you.” Tony mumbled into Steves lips, they made a quiet pop sound as they pulled apart, the blonde looking at Tony with intrigue and concern.

“Here?” He looked bewildered.

“Yes, here.” 

“Jesus, Tony.” Steve muttered breathlessly, Tony dropping to his knees and not wasting any time unbuckling Steves belt.

There was a brown curl around Tonys cheek which he pushed away as he gazed up at Steve with wide, wild eyes. “What? Am i offending you?” He chimed, and licked a sliver of Steves exposed toned torso.

He was sinful, and so honest about it. Steve couldn’t get enough, he couldn’t dream of anything more thrilling than the way Tony looked at him, the way he smiled just for him.

Needless to say, the pair of them left the restroom looking much more flustered than when they entered. Avoiding eye contact as they sat back at the table. 

Steves cheeks always burned red after he came, Tony thought it was cute, but sadly they weren’t alone.

“Sorry about that, Steve didn’t feel well. Had to play nurse.” 

If they _were_ alone, Tony would’ve made some crude remark about ‘ _nursing his boner_ ’ and evidently Steve thought that too because his blush grew pinker.

“Yeah, sorry.”

Tony had succeeded in both of his goals that evening, practically killing two birds with one stone.

 

-

 

Steve stayed at the mansion that night. Tony seemed reluctant to go out with his friends, and insisted he’d much rather be with Steve, even if he didn’t really pay much attention to him all night, his mind seemed to be in other places.

“What’s wrong?” Steve planted his hand on Tonys head, scrunching up his hair into his fist as he walked around to see his face, They were in the garden, taking in the first real breath of a free summer. Some dragonfly’s hovered over the pool, Steve waved a mosquito away from Tonys bare forearm where he’d rolled up his shirt sleeves, causing the brunet to complain under his breath about getting a bite.

“Wrong? I’m fine. Just tired. I ate a lot too.” 

“You're thinking about something.”

“I’m always thinking, everyone is.” 

The younger man screwed up his face, looking irritable as he pulled his socks off, dipping his feet into the pool tentatively after he rolled up his trousers. It was too dark to see their reflections, just a trickle of ripples in the water were shadowed by the light from inside the house.

“Do you ever get that feeling that somewhere, in some part of the world there’s someone doing the exact same thing as you at once? The possibility is minuscule, but I always wonder if there’s someone out there just like me, with the same name as me, sitting by the pool with a man, feeling the same things that I’m feeling.” 

“That sounds... terrifying.” 

“I know.” 

“But i get it.” 

“It’s comforting, in a way. Like i’m not alone.” His eyes focused down on the pool, fearing how vulnerable he’d be gone given he lock eyes with Steve. “But, realistically, I know that my life is so well and truly fucked up that it would be hard to find a reliable doppelgänger.”

“I think that’s just empathy, Tony. You have so much of it, too much, sometimes. In my opinion. I think you worry so much about what everyone around you is feeling that you forget to focus on yourself. This ‘second Tony’ is not you, and will never be you because you aren’t them, and you have your own objective. It’s not a bad thing.”

“Alright Philosophy 101.” Tony finally smiled up at him, but it quickly faded. “I suppose, the reason I say it is, the stuff going on in my life, and my friends lives, is so inconceivable and ridiculous that it would be better if I wasn’t the only one. But i probably am. And i suppose I just have to deal with that.”

“Well what are you dealing with, Tony?”

Maybe it was the excitement from the day, the adrenaline floating in his stomach like the water beneath his feet, that caused Tonys outburst.

“You see, people always tell me I’m a _drama queen_ or that I like to shake the table but I’m really not, reasonably, and I know that this is all real and is happening and it’s crazy - my friend Natasha is like, a stripper, or more than that but I don’t think she wants to be, Rhodey, well - you know, my dad, apart from being an all around asshole anyway, is cheating on my mom, your friend Sam knows about us now, and on top of that there’s the slight possibility that your friend is alive and that you won’t need me anymore.” Tony exhaled sharply to signal he’d finished talking, honestly, feeling relieved that he’d gotten it into the air, simultaneously worried, his breathing becoming more and more tethered, feeling sick like an animal.

“Wh- Why do you think that?” Steve said, visibly confused as he scooted closer to Tony, still trying to process the rest of what he’d just said.

“I don’t know because then you’d have no use for me and I feel really selfish about it but I know it’s true and is probably gonna happen anyway so what’s the point in anything?”

“Tony...” Steve sighed, a heavy sigh from his chest. “You are incredibly smart, and gifted, but you’re also really, really stupid.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Do you think I want you because i have no one else? Like i’m only doing this because I don’t want to be alone?” 

Tony looked away, most of the time, he did think that. Why would Steve want him otherwise? 

“Don’t mock me.” Tony uttered quietly.

“Then don’t insult me like that. I have been surviving for five years, and yeah I’m a little shaken about this news, why wouldn’t I be? But that doesn’t mean anything, that doesn’t change anything, especially not how I feel about you. My life is so much different now, because of you. And while this is difficult to process, I can deal with it, because I have you by my side. At least, I hope I do.”

“You do.” Is all Tony replied. “I just... I don’t wanna be anyone’s second choice. I know that sounds so bratty and childish but I would hate to come in second place for you. And - and the thought of you with someone else also makes me feel gross, and I don’t know why.” 

“Tony. That’s called being in a relationship. You’re feelings aren’t wrong, I hope you realise that. I wouldn’t want to see you with anyone else. Honestly, you’re the boy who knows everything about anything and you find it so hard to conceive that someone might care about you. And that that someone might be me.” 

Tony’s instinct was to tell Steve he was being condescending, and rude, but he realised that was probably not true, and that he just wasn’t used to being wrong when he was so sure that he was right. 

“I don’t know what I would’ve done without you there today.” He admitted, finally. “And now.” 

“I’m sure you would’ve been fine -“

“No. Really. For some reason, I feel a lot better just _knowing_ that you’re there. It - it calms me down.” 

A smile formed on Steves lips, and he brushed his thumb over Tonys hand that was flat on the floor, both of them seemed to be glad about their honesty.

“I’ll always look out for you. It’s one of the few things that keeps me going.” 

Tony slid his hand from beneath Steves suddenly, but so he could wrap his entire small palm around the mans fingers. 

“I was so dumb, back then I -“

“ _Was?_ ” Steve mimicked him, causing a smile to rise on Tonys lips.

“Watch it, old man. I’m talking about how much time I spent trying to hate you, to get a rise out of you. And you did it too, sometimes. It all seems like such a waste of time, now.”

“Maybe you did test my patience more than once, but I think if things had gone differently, I wouldn’t know you the way I do now.”

 _Yeah, you’d probably like me more,_ Tony thought.

“And besides. We’ve got the whole summer now to make up for it. Maybe longer. Whatever you want. All those things you listed, you don’t have to worry about that when you’re with me.” 

“Not worrying about them doesn’t make them go away.” Tony pulled his feet out of the water and slotted his legs over Steves lap, the man instinctively running his free hand over Tonys wet calves and his bare toes.

“Its not always about making the problem go away, but maybe just... dealing with it.” 

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but i’m not the expert when it comes to coping with negative things.”

“We’ll work on it. Together, right?”

Tony paused, staring at Steves eyes, a darker shade of grey in the dark. Then he nodded, quickly and speechlessly, squeezing Steves hand tighter without realising it.

“Alright, lets go inside. It’s getting cold.” 

The man pulled Tony up with him as he stood, a not so delicate grip on the small of his back as he stood. 

Tony stared at this socks on the ground. And then kicked them into the pool with the side of his foot. Not looking too proud of himself, and just huffing dramatically.

“Why?” Steve just asked.

“I don’t know.” 

“Are you gonna pick them up?” 

“No. They’re soggy now.”

“Okay?” 

“Yep.”

“Child.” Steve shook his head. 

Tony narrowed his brows, and swung for Steves stomach, throwing a few playful punches at the mans gut. 

“Woah, I didn’t teach you to punch like that.” Steve smiled, pulling Tonys arms up with ease, despite his thrashing. 

“How bout I kick you in the balls?” 

“Why would you do that? I’ve been so nice to you.” Steve didn’t sound nearly as strained as Tony did as he attempted to wrestle against Steve. 

“I think you should know by now not to question my actions.” Tony mumbled, suddenly spun around, Steves large arms encasing Tonys own around his stomach, his bulking frame wrapped around Tonys back, rocking him back and forth. Tony didn’t struggle then, because Steve kissed the back of his neck, he just smiled to himself, and partly wished to be squeezed to death. “Steeeeve.” He whined.

“Okay, you win.” 

Steve began to slowly let Tony go.

“God, I love hearing you say that.” Tony moaned. “Too bad you’re a sucker!” Freeing himself from Steve completely, he ran around the pool towards the house, swinging open the double doors. 

Steve just followed, with a smile, when Tony looked back at him.

In the living room, Howard and Maria were sat around the TV. The news was on, so Tony stopped by them, they never watched the news this late and it was rare anything that exciting was going on at this time anyway - by then, Steve had made his way in and joined Tonys side behind the couch, watching other his parents shoulders.

There was a Breaking News heading at the bottom of the screen, the old, white presenter sitting in the middle of an empty desk and looking seriously at them through the small flashing box.

“ _-as been confirmed that State Senator David Michaels has been found dead in an abandoned storage unit in Albany -_ ”

Tony froze, and recognised the picture of the man on the TV. The picture showed someone a lot brighter in the face than the man he’d seen on the floor of a dark, littered place with Natasha one night many months ago.

“ _The Chair of the Infrastructure and Capital Investment Committee here in New York was found in the early hours of Sunday morning by a local property investor. Coroner reports have suggested that Michaels had been dead for as many as three months before he was found, authorities treating the death as foul play, following the discovery that Michaels had failed to fly from LaGuardia Airport to Tokyo, where friends and family thought he resided for the months he was missing.”_

Steve knew that Tony was stressed. Just by how fixated his eyes were on the picture of the man in the corner of the screen. 

And he was, thoughts rushing through his brain. _’Why didn’t the police go there when we called them? Why didn’t they care? Did they think we were lying? He was on his own for months, and I just did my part and tried to forget about it, while he was there every night, alone and dead. The storage unit was locked when we broke in, so we broke into a MURDERERS property.’_

After he’d calmed down, Steve putting the pieces together himself and allowing Tony to have his space, he thought a lot about truth. 

Endless truths had continued to spiral around him for the past year. Things he never thought he’d know or could know were shown to him as plain as day, truths about himself opening up to others, and Tony had a never ending hallway full of closed doors, secrets that he would never tell, and now a few open ones. 

When Nat called him, a little drunk from the party she was at but still sober enough to whisper into the phone about the news she’d somehow heard, he realised how strange it was that it had been their secret that had come to light to the rest of the world, how she had secrets hidden from him that night she found him, how tony revealed secrets about himself. 

He began to realise that the universe was being more honest with him. And how it was going to treat him, and those he cared about. 

And how the world was becoming much brighter and more open. 

It was a terrifying, inevitable and infinite. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you understand the significance of this chapters song in relation to the chapter - i love you


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